wow. what can i say? something that has haunted me for YEARS....
but now thats over. its dealt with. or its being dealt with.
its no longer the thing i hate most about myself.
now what i hate is yet another flaw.
my inability to trust.
honestly, if i could choose ONE thing to change about me, that would be it.
and here is what i have learned.
the process itself teaches you a lesson.
and i KNOW that the process of learning to trust is what is going to teach me to trust again. i know its not something i can just wake up and do, its gonna be a process.
but heres the thing...
i don't know if i have time to go through a process!
what if....what if you don't wanna stick around through all this?
ill be honest, i wouldn't blame you.
id hate it but c'mon really? what reason am i giving you to stay!?
none. you trust me completely and i physically CANT do that yet...
im just....not in that place...
im sorry. believe you me id give anything to just be there.
and i know that IF we come out of this, we will be stronger.
its just the "IF" part that gets me.
but see?? thats half my problem! im alwayssss playing 'what if?'
i want to just let go and enjoy what we have now.
i imagine im wearing you VERY thin with my constant need for reassurance of where we stand and all....
but you need to understand something.
my heart....has scars engraved so deeply in that they will NEVER heal. they just wont.
my heart is so damaged and bruised...
ive given myself away emotionally FAR more than i wish i had.
and yeah, i look at you and i go, "one more time". as in, ill give this one more shot.
ill trust one.last.time.
but i look at my heart...broken...shattered...scarred.
and i just.cant.do.it.
i just cant put one more scar on it.
i KNOW its stupid. cuz, 'whats one more?'
but if you could see the emotional state im in, you'd understand.
you are confident. your heart....
and maybe it DOES look like mine.
but i just cant imagine that anyone's heart is AS scarred...as mine.
at least, anyone without reason. there are people who have lost far more than me. at least THEY have a reason for their heart to be in the shape its in.
although, i guess i do too.
its just that my reason is my desperation for love and my stupidity in giving my heart and trust and EVERYTHING to...anyone.