Monday, September 27, 2010

A Glimpse of Happiness

there is something about fall that makes me happy...actually i think it's mostly just the changing season. and i can say that this is not where i wanna be. that there is a place that would make me even happier, but i won't...not now anyways. i just wanna say that, for a moment in time, i am happy. and this might be taken away tomorrow, it might even be taken away in the next minute. but, while its here, i will choose to embrace it and enjoy it...i realize that this post is probably not gonna be as long winded as my sad, heartfelt posts. there is a lot more to say in those, plus there is usually an issue or emotion i need to work through. but happiness just is. :) i can just be happy, no questions asked. 
i got new bedding today! aren't you so excited for me? ;) haha. its fall. my mama is making amazing pumpkin desserts, frosted bars and pumpkin fluff :) refreshing. so comforting. this is love. 
if you couldn't tell from my last post, there's been some drama lately. it happened last night and i was so angry, i could feel my blood boiling. like, literally. i was sitting there just shaking. you know...sometimes i make way too big a deal outta things...i blow them out of proportion. or anyways, my heart does. i rarely deal with things rationally. that's just the way i am. 
but i got it all out last night. the game is over. and so i am just letting it go. i don't see the point in dragging this out any longer than it has already gone went on for way too long and so i am not gonna let my heart drag this out too. 
i am happy today, in part, because i choose to be. i am just shutting up everything negative and just breathing. and being happy. i am in love today. with the One that captivates me and will never leave me.
i started a new devo today. i couldn't tell you the last time i had one of those, or at least, one i did! i found my Bible today too. i am ashamed to admit it, but i did not know where that was for a while... :/ i'm coming around. i know its what i want. and when i want something i am pretty good at pushing myself to get some degree...but i also have God on my side here because this is what HE wants as well. i know it is and so i know He is rooting for me. I know He is waiting for me to come to Him. <3
i am happy because of Him. Happiness is a choice. everyday we must choose to either fall into all the negativity in our lives, or we can choose to see the glass as half full. maybe, somedays, we can completely overlook the glass and just see the world, see Him...and i hope it makes us smile. and if it doesn't, then maybe there is something we need to do about that. God made this world for us to enjoy. we shouldn't always have to resort to fairytales and dreamworlds to see a happy place. our world, the world our Daddy made for us, should make us smile. and if it doesn't, then i think we need to change that. and maybe changing the world starts with changing your attitude. try it. even if it doesn't work, what have you got to lose...? :)

this is all i can do, maybe i should be sorry but i just can't right now

i'm holdin on your rope got me ten feet off the ground
and im hearin what ya say but i just cant make a sound
you tell me that you need me and then you go and cut me down but wait
you tell me that you're sorry, didn't think id turn around and say

i'd take another chance take a fall take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat but its nothing new
i loved you with a fire red now its turnin blue
and you say you're sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you

it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late
i said it's too late to apologize, yea
i said it's too late to apologize, its too late

its just too late, ok? you have been playing your games for so long, i can't believe i didnt see this until now. and the funniest thing is all i thought you were...was everything you wanted me to. you didn't want me to see this side of you. you put on your mask and you think that disguises how ugly you really are on the inside. and for the longest time, i believed that. i fell for it. i trusted you. but now i see your true colors. and i hate it. there is not words enough that i can say to explain how badly you messed things up.
i love the way you tell me you love me and you will miss me. like i ever really meant something to you. because i know i didn't. i know i didn't because if someone means something to you, you treat them with respect. i thoughts as Christians we were allowed to call each other out on things. you act like you are the perfect Christian. but that message you sent me last night, was anything but. the way you spoke to her and the way you allowed him to speak to her, was anything but Christian. and i am not saying this is all your fault. but, contrary to what you believe, or at least what you tell yourself, you did play a part in this. can you even see it? well, i know that you know it. it's funny how quickly someone can become hurtful once they are exposed. you know that i know who you are now, so why continue pretending. you play the victim, like you were the one getting hurt this whole time. when, in reality, although that may be true, but you are the one hurting! and i know you can see that too. i know that you know all of this. even if you won't admit it to yourself, you know it. you might lie to yourself and tell yourself what you need to hear, but the cold, dark reality is that you are just everything you say you aren't. and eventually everyone will catch on, just like i did. you are so see through... "i got your game, its so see through, you know i'm way too good for you...when its time to reminisce, you're gonna realize you miss this, you're in my mind for the last time, and at the most you were a pastime...i'm sick of all of your little lies, so sick of you, i'm sick of the rumors and the alibis, so sick of you, so sick of feeling bad by your side, what you dont know, is how great it feels, to let you go"
i dont actually believe all of that. i wouldn't say that i'm better than you, anyways, but maybe too good for you. anyways, too good for the way you act. but, mostly and for sure, she is too good for you. no doubt about that in my mind. i say that with every ounce of feeling i have because i really honestly believe that. you can think whatever you want. i so seriously wanted to gag when i read that message you sent. there was a loop hole in EVERY WORD YOU SAID!! and i know that is why you did it all the way you did. just the way he said what he needed to and hung up, you sent the message and blocked me. you know that there was a million and one loop holes, or whatever you wanna call them, in your message. you knew that i am smart enough to see them. and you didn't wanna hear what i would have to say.
funny how you apparently love me and will miss me. funny how none of this is your fault. if all that is true, you shouldn't have anything to be afraid of as far as my message back to you would've been. but i know that you are just saying those things. you know it too. i am not sad to see you go. you are right. when you wrote that you were wrong. i was gonna miss you. but after its all said and done...i wont miss you. i wont even miss what i thought you were, because its tainted. that memory and image is tainted. i can't believe the way you have treated her for so long and i never even knew. but its a good thing for you that you blocked me, because if you hadn't, you would've heard from me because now i know the truth. and trust me, everyone hears from me when they mess with someone close to me.
you're the only exception. and that is only cuz i have no way to contact you.

i prayed last night about this. maybe this is not the attitude Jesus would want me to have. but then i think about the way He spoke to people..i know i need to forgive. and in a sense i guess i already have. but at the same time, know that forgiving is not the same as forgetting. i won't keep playing your game and i won't allow you to be in my life at all. Is that Jesus like behavior? you would say no. but we don't serve the same Jesus. if its not the right attitude, i trust that He will show me. but for now, this is all i can do.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

"I think i've wished on every star..."

"what do i really need love for
it leaves me heartbroken
leaves words unspoken
things i dont say
things i wont say
cuz i cant
you'd run away
and i cant...let that happen

oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,

i won't shift the blame
i know what part i played
and i also know that i'm done
get away from this game
as fast as i can run
it's not the same
its never the same

oh oh
how many times can i say
close your eyes itll be ok
but its never ok
i think ive wished, on every star by now
when we kissed, you said we'd never be apart
but now we're apart
just look at my heart
in pieces in my hand
if that dont tell ya nothin
did ya know that ya broke it
oh oh, oh oh,

take a deep breath, breathe in the cool air
i didnt expect, to see you there
what are you doing
since when do you care
never stick around
broken unresolved
arguments and runnin away
left me with pieces of a heart to explain"

is anyone ever really your friend?? how can you tell?? i am so sick of being alone. so sick of thinking people are your friends. only to find out they're not. i am not blaming anyone or looking for sympathy, none of that. but... why does this keep happening? why do i get my hopes up time and time and time....and time again...only to have them be shot to the ground when the seemingly inevitable happens...? i want a friend whose shoulder i can cry on...and who i can laugh with. have a good time and make memories with. i want my facebook to be full of pictures of me and MY friends havin fun together...i wanna have friends to have fun with.
i want to have a friend to have sleepovers with and drink soda and stay up till 3 am and laugh hysterically over something that could only be funny to us.
and i wanna say that i know better than this. i wanna say that i don't need this...but i do. and like i said, i am not looking for sympathy from anyone that reads this. i'm not...i dont even know why i am posting this but, then, why do i ever post things on here?
i know that this is not a happy post. but it's a heartfelt one. it means something. and yea, i'll probably get over it. i usually do...i dont know what else to say...just know i'm really not asking anything of anyone, ok? thats why im hesitant to post this on here, because i dont want to appear manipulative, but if i am treating this blog sort of as my journal, as i subconsciously have been, then i shall post this...ok enough rambling... <3

Ghost of You

"Turn my back, to the door
Feel so much better now
Dont even try, anymore
Nothing left to lose
There's a voice thats in the air,
saying don't look back no where
There's a voice thats always there...

And I'll never be, quite the same, as I was before this
Part of you, still remains, though its out of focus
You're just somewhere that I've been,
And I wont go back again
You're just somewhere that I've been.....

Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...

And I'll, never be, like I was
The day I met you
Too naive, yes I was
Boy, thats why I let you in

Wear your memory like a stain,
Cant erase none of the pain
Here to stay with me forever...

Im breathing in, breathing out
Aint that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...

One of these days I'll wake up from this,
Bad dream im dreaming
One of these days I'll pray that I'll be
Over, over, over you
One of these days I'll realize that,
Im so tired of feeling confused
But for now, theres a reason that you're still here
In my heart...

Im breathing in, breathing out
Ain't that what, its all about?
Livin life, crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left for me to doubt
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you...

Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Like I have the right to
No more words, in my mouth
Nothing left, to figure out
But I dont think I'll ever break through
The ghost of you..."

I don't know why, but this song holds a special place in my heart. i feel like, anyone can write/sing a happy song. a song that says, "everything is perfect in my world, i've never been happier"
but you see someone, really see them and what they are made of and what they feel...when they write or sing a meaningful song. that's definitely what this is. <3 "You're just somewhere that i've been and i won't go back again, you're just somewhere that i've been..." you are my past. you shouldn't be, but you are. actually, you just got caught in my past. i had to leave other things behind and, by default, i ended up leaving you behind. but, like the song says, i can't go back again. you have no idea, but for me to come back to get you...i just can't go in reverse. i can't take back everything that has happened since we were split up...nor do i want to...i mean, i want YOU, but...i don't want everything that comes along.. with going to you... "Turn my back, to the door Feel so much better now Dont even try, anymore Nothing left to lose There's a voice thats in the air, saying dont look back no where There's a voice thats always there.." stop, take one more look back...and move on. this is it. no more living in the past. and i could sever all ties with it...except for one. i just can't do it. and i stand here and cry because i can't go either way right now. i can't move on still living in the past. and the only way i see to do that is to cut off all ties with it completely. not that i don't wanna take what i learned with me, good times, and all that. but i just want to live my future. which i can't do always looking backwards. so it should be simple. cut the ties, and move ON!! .....i can't lose you. i can't let you go because...maybe i should. maybe i should let go and move on. i can't decide. and i can't just cut you out but i can't start walking away from it all either, because, with a piece of my heart still in your hand, i'd just be dragging you, and my whole entire past, along with me. and, when you are dragging your past everywhere, there is no room in your life for anything else. there is no room for anyone to get close when my past is completely surrounding me... And there is no chance for a future. there is just no room for it.... Great, so i just dug all this up...what do i do? is there a way to take you and only you? leave all the past behind so i CAN make a future, but take you? because i just don't know what to do. i am so sick of living in the past because i want to live my future. i can see it, it is so bright. but it is only an illusion for now. because i am not even in the present. i'm still living out the past...all for you... <\3 the only way i could move on would be to just get over you. but i don't really wanna get over you...i like you. i don't want to just get over you and move on. i don't wanna forget you. if i want to move onto the future, my future..."One of these i pray that i'll be over over over you..."

"But for now, there's a reason you're still here in my heart.." maybe my future is YOUR future. maybe you ARE my there has gotta be a reason you are still here...

maybe ultimately i need to let go.
i need to let you alone
trust that this will work out
we will get through this,
are you ready to do this
i need you to be
if you wanna be with me

writing a love story
can be so boring
when its all in my head
i need something real something instead
i'm sick of going this life alone
and i've been waiting on you to show
i've been expecting that you would know
i wanna write this story yes
but i'd rather have it be real than in my head

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"I'm over screaming down a wishing well..."

"if you're leavin don't look back, leave me like you mean it..."

don't mess with me. don't mess with my heart. come on. just be honest with me. really. that's all i want. all i am asking for is for you to be honest and to tell me the truth. even if it hurts. i respect the people in my life that are honest with me more than i respect you at this moment. do you think you are protecting my heart? by leading me on?? either be clear about your intentions and take this somewhere or else leave me alone. i wanna be able to walk away. to say these things and tell you to come find me if you decide to be decent. but i think even if i did leave, it wouldn't be my final decision anyways.

"but i get the feelin that you'll be comin back, just like you did before..." exactly.

but i shouldn't have to make that decision. i shouldn't have to because you shouldn't be messin with my heart in the first place. so, yea, i love you. but i can', i won't put up with this. i don't need this, i don't deserve this and i won't stand for it i won't take it.
Just thought you should know.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

smile. camera's flashing, everybody's watching.

we are expected to be so perfect. we wonder why there is so much pressure or where this mindset even came from. really?? um...look through a magazine. even look at the front cover. walk into abercrombie or hollister, where everything in there is a size xxs. and even the things they have in medium and large are still like 3 inches wide. so either those of us that aren't "xxs material" or that don't wanna wear skin tight clothes have to get like 6 sizes larger, which makes you feel fat you see how this works? i went into the aeropostale outlet this weekend. there was some cute stuff in there, but i didnt buy anything. because everything i held up was either too tiny or else i had to keep grabbing sizes bigger. the second part wasn't actually a huge deal, because i am pretty secure with my body, but it was the principle of the thing, so i put down all the clothes i was looking at and bought a $5 necklace and walked out. :)
but i still have a problem with this. will it ever end? or are we stuck with being brainwashed with unattainable "perfection" for the rest of our lives??

Monday, September 20, 2010

Definition of a girl: mood swings!!

what can i say? i am laying here and i am empty. i am not usually like this, but i have my moments. one thing that helps me through is knowing this isn't forever. that it will pass in time, as it always does. but sometimes i just get caught up. i wanna feel something. but at the same time i feel too much. close your eyes. fall into His Arms. but i am holding on. onto something.
i dont know what to say. i dont know where this is going and i dont know where i wanna take it.
"and when the day is done, do you have the feelin, that you're all alone, givin up on your own dreams" {miranda cosgrove}
Taylor Swift just came on the radio now. "Today was a Fairytale". she can make me so happy. her songs anyways. :) i want to live that song, haha. "Today was a fairytale all that i can say, is now its gettin clearer. nothin made sense till the time i saw your face, today was a fairytale...can you feel this magic in the air, musta been the way you kissed me..."
that gets me in trouble too, because then i feel like i need a guy to make me whole to make me complete and to make me happy. which i know isn't true, oh, i know in my core inner being that it isn't true. i know that only God can truly make those things.
"won't take nothin but a memory, from the house that built me..."
"the moment i could see it, yes yes, i could see it"
my sister is sitting in here skipping around on the country radio :) makes me happy. its happy. i really am. but there is just something trying to drag me down tonight. maybe i just need to make a conscious decision to NOT fall into it. to not let it get the best of me to not let it get any of me.
"You said, "I'll never leave you alone"
I'm holding onto that. Jesus. I am holding onto You. oh, i know that is a line from the newest Taylor Swift song. and i know that Jesus isn't really who Taylor was probably referring to, but that's how i am choosing to take it at this moment. i need to put my faith in Jesus, the True Love of my life :)
weird how i seem to sound all "religious" lately. im not trying to be. but i really dont see it as a bad thing. :) i see it as proof that Jesus is just pulling me closer to Him. and i'm not writing about Him to be all snooty and 'holier than thou'. i am writing about Him to tell myself things i should know but sometimes need to be reminded of. when i write i let my heart tell my fingers what to type. my head and mind arent involved. so when i write something its from my heart and sometimes i need to write out for my head to know it. make sense? haha, if it doesnt thats ok. most of what i say doesnt make sense to other people. im just telling myself what i need to know right now. and what i need to know and remember and hold in the front of my mind is that Jesus is everything. He is everything a guy can be for me, but He is also everything a guy can't. if i hold a guy to the standard of being Jesus for me, i am gonna be hurt over and over and over and over again. no one can do it. if they could we wouldn't need Jesus. and trust me, we all definitely need Jesus :)

"never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy"

love, always, forever <3

-notice how i started this post kinda depressed and by the end was happy and spiritually refreshed, at least to some degree. haha. well thats a good thing i guess. writing is good for the soul. its good to get all your feelings out sometimes. just like a good "for no reason at all" cry :) love

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Not Your Average Girl

when i first told my brother about this missions trips and how we'd be building houses, his response was how that wasn't women's work. any maybe its not. but im not your average girl. i am tough. i am sweet. i am rough, but i can be all you need. Jesus made me this way and i'm done denying it. i dont know how i got to be this way but its who i am. now, i ask you, what is so wrong with that? being who i am. The world has a problem with it. the world opposes it. and it opposes you if you do it. but Jesus says He is the shelter for the oppressed. i read that in the Bible. i dont know where, but its in there. and i am running to Him.
Daddy, i'm coming home <3

"Forever You Are Faithful, Don't Let Me Be Turned Away From Something Good, Don't Let Me Be Turned Away From You"

Dang! here it is! i have been praying for God to just capture my heart. to pull me back to Him. where i really wanna be. i am so excited and typing so fast now that i am misspelling practically every other word! haha, but thats ok. man, this just really feels like a wake up call. this could be it. this could be what i really need. and more than that, it gives me a chance to really build up my faith while at the same time, really making a difference in someone else's. :D i am soooo excited right now!

"Nashville Needs Rebuilding – Join a team that, under the direction of Samaritan’s Purse,
will be rebuilding up to 20 homes in the Nashville area. Four teams with leaders are in place:
Oct. 10-16, Nov. 7-13, Dec. 5-11 and Jan. 16-22, 2011. Per person cost is $125. Interested?
Contact Pam by email or 414-412-0415 or visit her table on Sept. 19 and Oct 3.
Prepare to be changed forever!"

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! in case you dont know, i am absolutely in love with nashville. when i went there, briefly, with my daddy two years ago, it was just like, everything connected. all the pieces of my life felt like they fell in place. I feel so open, so creative, so....happy there. or anyways, i did. and yes, i still remember these feelings vividly. even two years later. because i have been holding onto these feelings praying and wishing and hoping that someday, one day, i would get there. i would get back to the place that.... <3
what better place for me to connect with God? what better place to make a difference? what better place
but i dont, in any way, want this to be all about me. i really dont. the purpose of a missions trip is to change someone else's life. but i dont see what would be so wrong with me rebuilding, or rather, restrengthening, my own faith there too :)

again though...there is a roadblock. but isn't there always one? is that just life?
i don't wanna go into this selfishly. i dont WANT to view this as simply a free (ok, $125 isn't exactly free , however, that is beyond the point) but as just a way to get me to Nashville. i dont want this to be something i do only for myself. or even with myself first in my mind, if that makes any sense.
but i also don't want to just reject this idea that God could've very well placed in my life.
Maybe..just maybe...He wants me to go...maybe the enemy is trying to talk me out of this BECAUSE it could be good, not only for me, but for a lot of other people too... i am praying about this. for sure! :) i really wanna go. and i really want God to want me to go.
but even if that is all decided and i know its what God wants and its what i want and need and all that pretty stuff...convincing my parents may be a different story...<3

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Randomness and such :)

I just changed the template or whatever you wanna call the background stuff of my blog. I clicked on it in the preview and at first glance, it might appear depressing. But on my first glance i thought, 'that's me!'.
So with the first week of school almost under my belt, i can feel fall coming on. Usually that makes me so happy. It really does. It does something in my heart, it sparks something creative in me, and i am just so... happy.
I was rudely (i didn't actually mind too much..) by the rain coming down hard and i had to shut the window. The wind was blowing, the rain was just pouring down, there was even a little thunder off in the distance. Even now there is still a very nice, cool autumn breeze :) im sitting in my room with the window thrown open, sitting here in my dress, just kinda feeling princess like, for no particular reason. I can hear the wind even through my earbuds. It is like, THAT breezy!
I am listening to We The Kings' "Check yes Juliet". I recently discovered i love love love that song :)

"Check yes Juliet, are you with me, rain is falling down on the sidewalk, i won't go until you come outside, check yes Juliet, kill the limbo (I don't actually understand that line...) I'll keep tossin rocks at your window, there's no turnin back for us tonight...
Run baby run, don't ever look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance..."
haha, i've been listening to this song ALL morning. I love it. it makes me think of someone although i don't know why.
If i were really honest for like just a second, this particular person has kinda been all consuming for me lately. (sheepish grin)
i know that is not a good thing. it is one of the things i'm trying to work on with God.
well, honestly, i don't know where this post is going, haha. just my random thoughts.