Thursday, December 29, 2011

ending 2011 single. what a surprise. the strangest thing is, i could PROBABLY change that.. and yet i dont. at least this year i HAD someone, even if it didnt last long. thats a step up from the last 16 years:P but even sad. like, i dont get it. why me? why am i not with someone? whats the problem? i dont want to think there is something wrong..with me.. but maybe there is. sighhh i dont knowwww!!! :// but i DO know that im not a huuuuge fan of this. HES STANDING RIGHT THERE WHAT IS STOPPING ME?!?! seriously..i mean, sure maybe he isnt everything i was hoping for. but, my friends, beggars cant be choosers. :P its true though. i sit here and complain about being single and there is a guy that SEEMS willing to change that and yet i dont give him a chance, albeit it would be ANOTHER chance, but still.. or maybe im just being stupid. maybe he has moved on. maybe, maybe he didnt care AT.ALL. EVER. .......annnnnnd then, all i have to do is click around on your profile to remember WHY i wont reach out for you. we are done. im all done. I REFUSE TO JUST BE ANOTHER GIRL TO YOU!!! and i even TOLD you as much!! well, i meant it then, i mean it today, and ill mean it for forever. no matter HOW badly i want to not be ending 2011 single, no matter how badly i want a guy in WILL.NOT. be you.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Im really dragging my feet for Christmas. Christmas eve tomorrow..say whaaaat?? i cant believe its really here... it doesnt feel like it at.all.!! im excited, for sure! dont get me wrong:) i loooove Christmas!! im just a little sad...because this is the last year i get to celebrate as a "kid". ok im sad for more than just that reason.. im sad because i didnt expect to be celebrating alone. i know thats stupid and completely NOT the point of Christmas...but im just being honest. there was a time i believed i would, finally, not be alone on Christmas. i thought id have a sweet boyfriend to open presents with. the sit by the fire with. seeing the happy, adorable couples skating together last night was like..salt in the wound. idk..and maybe im just being stupid. i shouldnt have planned 2 months in advance, even i can see that. but..i finally had someone...i didnt want to let him go! im so sick and tired of being alone.. even if he wasnt right, he was something. and..thats all i wanted. someone. well, evidently i wanted more. because he tried to come back and..i wouldnt let him. im proud of myself for that..i think.. no i am. i made the right choice for me. i finally stood up for myself! and sure, it wasnt with the people it mattered MOST with..but..its a start:) so i guess..i am ok. i wont lie, i wanted to spend the holidays with someone. doesnt everyone? but...i NEED to learn to be content with God. i know i do. and i want to..its just..hard. but life is a journey. they day it stops being hard will be the day i go to Heaven and probably not a second sooner..and i think im ok with, and even LIKE, that. i like working for things<3 But theres something God has NEVER made me work for. Thats His love. His forgiveness. HIS Christmas present to me is free<3 just sayin..:)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

i i miss us. i miss summer. i miss how we used to be. i miss freedom. i miss secrets. i miss people respecting our relationship and space. i miss the love we freely gave. i miss openly sharing our feelings with each other. i miss knowing someone like the back of my hand. i miss having someone know me better than i knew myself. i miss knowing youd be there for me, forever; and like no one else. i miss knowing you better than anyone. i miss never having any secrets. i miss letting my guard down. i miss fully and completely trusting someone. i miss giving love without questioning it. i miss when our relationship only involved the two of us; no unwelcome third parties. i miss knowing we'd stick by each other no matter what else or who else came into our lives. i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss my best friend. <\3
why..??? dang it..i was so stupid. i believed you when you said there'd be no more fights. ok, well at first i didnt believe you. but then we went so long without one that..i dont know i sort of unwillingly let myself believe. i shouldnt have done that. i can see that now. i let myself heal only to be torn back open again. i hate this. i hate feeling like this. all the time. this isnt fair!!! i was trying, TRYING, to be happy. to accept my circumstances. but...why do you have to do this?? again?? and the WORST you dont even know..HOW.MUCH. it hurts. you dont. you know from your point of view. but you are fighting for something. im just caught in the crossfire. my heart breaks a little more with each word of fire. and i want to tell the one person who is always there for me but..IM SO FREAKING SICK OF DRAGGING THEM INTO THIS!!! and im afraid imma lose them..bc im too much. too much drama. too full of it.. and i WILL.NOT. let that happen. <\3

"Can you help me forget, dont wanna feel like this forever.."

"I know im a mess and i wanna be someone, someone that id like better, i can never forget, so dont remind me of it forever..what if i just pulled myself together, would it matter at all? what if i just tried not to remember, would it matter at all?.." ohh..skillet<3 listening to this song reminds me of the LAST time i was here. memories carry me back to september.. september. back when everything was so right. <33 i miss it. but that word isnt big enough to describe my feelings. not even close. im so filled with regret. and shame. and tears that threaten to release at even the thought..the memory.. im still so sorry.. but i didnt even do it. but that doesnt matter. because i didnt stop it, either. and yes, im aware that the past is the past.. whats done is done. yes, i know. but, in my cant say that.. sighh.. just another thing i miss. being able to say what i really think.. im not interested in typing only "ok" parts of what i want to say.. so ill just stop here. i wanted to express how much i but i cant. so never mind.. but i hope..i hope you know.. its a lot.

Monday, December 19, 2011


Ron Pope<3 Goshh i love this guy:) "Im holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven.."--the lyrics i have written on my arm today:) im feeling better...i think i am. something just...flipped. i grabbed my Bible last night...for the first time in SO. freaking. long. but i did. and i read. and i..i almost cried actually.. God has faithful. thru everything. and i know He always will be. but me? i was so..doubtful and stupid.. i feel ashamed to even admit this. i feel stupid. for so long, throughout this whole process, i didnt tell anyone about my doubts. because i felt like such a bad Christian. and i felt one would understand.. and i was afraid of being judged. but im just gonna say it now. i dont even care. forget the masks, the pretenses.. im sick of hiding. this is me. the good, the bad, and the ugly. ... and, i dare say, the beautiful. i need to breathe. i need to believe. i need to become. just soak it up. just..all of it. ill still say though, when i told someone the other day that i needed out of this town and to just go somewhere no one knows me and i know no one...i meant it. and i still do. i do feel like i need to get away, just..get away, from everything. just for a while. i need to get ME back, before i can deal with everything. and, while its not exactly what i had in mind, i do get a little vacation... and i intend to make the best of it. <3 God has a plan in everything. i know it. ive seen His will work out through some of the most AWFUL, ugly and heartbreaking situations. and theres still some things i sit here and wonder how good will EVER come from them. but i trust my Father. and i know He will make things clear to me in HIS time. <3

i miss the old days..

August...september...even june and july. What a nightmare october was. ...but i wish it had only been a nightmare. No, it was reality. I lived it, WE lived it.. And we've been forever changed since. ...i hate it. Like, more than ive ever hated anything. I miss that sense of security i had with you. I miss the love, the craziness, those magical carefree days of summer. Our inside things, skype dates, just...everything. I miss it all. Its not that i didnt know what i had.. Its just that i never knew i stood to lose it.
i dont know what it is, but whatever Christian rock song my brother has playing in the next room seems to fit with what i feel. just the intensity and the..just the amount of feeling.. ya know, to anyone that reads this, i probably sound like the most ungrateful, narcissistic, pessimistic person ever. and maybe thats what im like in real life too. maybe THIS is why no one ever sticks around for long. maybe im just too much to take. maybe im not worth fighting for. he certainly didnt think i was. but i dont blame him. most days..i dont think im worth fighting for. why would i be? if i was reeeeally worth it, someone wouldve been fighting for me long ago. ... (*has a thought that stops her dead in her tracks)...Jesus fought for me..over 2000 years ago... and Hes been fighting for me ever since. Hes never stopped... wow. how stupid and self-centered can i get?:/ guys i cant keep doing this. i cant keep doing this to everyone around God.. i dont wanna cry anymore!!! i really dont. when people make jokes about things like crying yourself to sleep and lying and hiding behind a smile...they dont know it..but all those things are true about me. and i hate it. and i dont WANT them to be. but they are. "I wish today it would rain all day, maybe that'd kinda make the pain go away, tryin to forgive you for abandoning me.." truth. i looove rainy days. bc they match how i feel. its almost like..they understand. the skies cry and i feel like i can too. I feel less alone. Somedays, thats all i need. to feel like, maybe, im not as alone in this world as i thought. "Did you ever stop to think..that i actually loved you..?" Most people in this world..choose to play games. Well, not this girl. When i say i love you, i mean it. But, like everyone else, i DO want something in return when i say it. ... I want you to tell me you love me too..and mean it. Thats all. I miss the old days..

Sunday, December 18, 2011

yupp..i should be packing right now. my sister's bag is sitting downstairs, already packed and set to go. and mine is still empty on my floor. my best friend and i decided last night to be happy and embrace our circumstances and stop wallowing in self pity. we even agreed to keep each other accountable, as we do with everything, to be positive about life.. and yet, what she doesnt know.. i cant do this. i cant. i hate that im now keeping secrets..?? noo..i never wanted that to be true. well, she cant talk right now and, honestly, i dont think i could get words out anyways. im just sitting here letting ke$ha play thru my headphones and typing this jumble of words..bc i dont know how to do anything else. if i actually had to talk to SOMEONE..and not just not sure i could do it. because everything is either lies, or truths i cant say.. what she doesnt know is i sit here and type this. i tweet my feelings. i listen to sad music. i cry in the shower and every night when the light goes off. my life.. and yes, i SHOULD be making the best of it, like we said. and i tried. all day. but when i feel like im losing something.. something that meant near the world to me.. theres nothing i can do BUT fall apart. but i couldnt put these feelings into words and share them because the one person i wanna share them with... is the one person im afraid this miiiight be true about. and then i look at reality and i feel stupid and im like, "of courseee they love you.." sighhh... in a confused and insecure little girl lost in this crazy world..<3

Friday, December 16, 2011

"I hate, feeling like this, im so tired, of tryin to fight this.."

so maybe theres a million and one things i should be doing right now. but maybe theres only one thing i can do. sighhh...guys.. i dont even know whats wrong. its just...i think this year is catching up with me. or maybe thats just an excuse. but cmon, after the year ive had..i think its justified to feel like everything is wrong and not even be able to pinpoint one thing.. it just...feels wrong. everything. i wake up and, for a moment, im ok. and then its like i remember and i crash. and im not alone in this. but even more than wanting myself to feel better..i want my friend to feel better. i haaaate seeing someone, especially someone i love, hurting. i hate it. but i dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to fix this for either of us. ahhhh!!!!!!! i just wana scream. just scream. i cant even cry anymore. my tears know that whatever im wasting them on isnt even important anymore and they refuse to cooperate. so i just sit here. and even though everything is tearing me apart inside, theres no evidence on the outside that would ever lead you to believe that. and i know thats my fault too. ive trained myself to hide. why does it feel like im never gonna be on top of things again? i feel like i have the world on my shoulders and i just HAVE to keep running, because, if i dont, its gonna run over me. i feel like every step i make has to be carefully calculated..except im left with no time. so i have to just step in blindly and PRAY i made the right call. maybe this is supposed to be like, a test of faith? ... if thats the case, im pretty sure im failing..

Thursday, December 15, 2011

ok. so i know God is here with me. so im not alone. not at all actually. i got Him and someone else who gets me.. but guys.. im still so.sick. of feeling like this. "I hate, feeling like this, im so tired, of trying to fight this..and the more i hide i realize, im slowly losing You.." <\3
will i never, ever learn? nope. i dont think i will. haha thats just..part of who i am i think. i never get things the first, second or even third time im told them. usually, i have to experience something in order to understand it. i guess thats what ill call this past year. yeah, its a little early for a reminiscing post...expect that one on new years eve ;D haha but im just gonna say that..this year tore me to pieces. and i would try to repair myself and it would tear me apart again. so finally i decided it would be best to stay broken. ... sometimes i wonder where i get my ideas:P yup. not my best one yet. last had it. id reached the point where i cried and cried out to God. "I was always yours to hold." that He was. that He is. mine. to hold. and He doesnt care about what ive done, He doesnt hold my past or my doubts against me.. i just brought it all to Him. no masks, no pretenses. and i told Him i was sorry. i am sorry. more than words, or even tears, can express. and, i do believe, that last night was the FIRST night i havent cried myself to sleep in...gosh i cant even remember the last time i slept in my own bed and didnt cry..O.o thats pretty bad, isnt it? yeahh.. but God has changed that. guys...this...i dont know how to explain this to you. this is different than any other time God has saved me.. He really pulled me off a cliff. i mean i pushed Him away and away and in turn just got closer and closer to this edge... He saved me AND I DONT DESERVE THIS!!! i dont deserve Him. guys....HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT WHAT IVE DONE!!! and He DOES care..about me. even if no one else in the world does.. that was MY mistake. i told myself He was no different than all the people in my life who have and are letting me down. i believed that lie. i really did. i WANTED to trust Him... but i "knew" He'd just let me down.. BUT HE DIDNT!!! guys....ahh im at a loss for how to explain this to you. i stand here and i..i cant even wrap my mind around this fact. and i feel stupid because ive grown up all my life "knowing" this. but i never accepted it for myself. and i even believed it was a lie for a while..but the fact is GOD LOVES ME. HE CARES FOR ME. HE WILL NEVER, EVER, LET ME DOWN. HE WONT EVER ABANDON OR LEAVE ME. guys...this is truth.. i still cant wrap my mind around this. but i know it. i know it now. i know it in my heart. and, whats more? i believe it now. I dont know how or why.. but He DOES love me. <3333

Friday, December 9, 2011

"In the middle of this crazy mess, i forget how big im blessed."

Soo much has been happening..its crazy!! And then some days? It feels like nothing happens at all. But its like, even the little things. Its skype dates with my best friend. Its hearing a song that takes me back to summer. Its the snow thats falling softly out my window. Its the little things in life that hold the most magic. If we only learn to enjoy them. For the last couple months..i havent been able to see magic anywhere. The world was dark to me. I was void, emotionless, empty.. Just broken. But im done. Im done with all of that. I cant live that way. And i dont want to. The truth is, ive been struggling soo much since summer ended. And to everyone that has stuck by me, through alll of this..i love you. Honestly, to the few that stick by me, through the dark and the<3 And now..nothinga changed. Life is still hard. Its still GONNA be. But im done letting the dark times in life make me miss out on life completely. Im done waiting for huuuge things. Im gonna look at the little pieces of magic, the little blessings, and enjoy them.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

sometimes im just...amazed at how far i let myself go.
but not amazed in a good way.
i have days where i just stand and wonder how on earth things ever got so.messed.up.
yeah..i look back and see where i was, and i look at where i am now..and im proud of myself for making it out of all that. and im grateful to God for pulling me through it all.
but on the same hand..sometimes i just get stuck on step one. i look to the past..
and thats where it stops.
i see how.far. i let myself get..
and i hurt. i break.
i feel ashamed.
God does love me, yes. but..He shouldnt have to.
and i feel like i dont..deserve His love. i know i never could, but, when im looking back, i feel especially undeserving.
my brother just showed me this video from my old church..he says "you looked so innocent". and im like, "i was innocent".
and thats the truth.
i was.
in the video, im dancing with God. we are so in step. and then all these things of life come along, guys, money, body image, hatred..and they steal me from God. i mean, in the video, i let them steal me.
and the video gets really intense. the closing scene my character has a gun to her head. and in the last few seconds..she drops it. she drops the gun and she tries to run back to God. but all the things from her past stand in her way. they push her down. they literally tear her apart. they claw at her and do everything they can to keep her from God.
eventually, torn apart and worn out, my character falls to the ground. and all these people that represented her past just start kicking her. even though shes down, thats not enough. those things would be the death of her, if they could.
and then, just when i think my past has won..
God steps in.
He fights back it all.
which is amazing, if you stop to think about it.
God fights back all the bad stuff *I* let into my life.
He doesnt say, "well, you messed up but Ill take you back BUT you have to get to Me first. its your job to fight thru it all because you brought it upon yourself" thats not what He says at all.
HE fights it. all. Himself.
for me.
and then He takes me by the hand..and we are back in step, just like that. He brushes me off, and we go back to walking together again.

what an image that was for me.
when i made that video with my church..i couldnt really relate. or anyways, i didnt see it that way...
but i do now.
oh boy, do i.
ive been places im not proud of, by all means.
ive pushed God away for "other things"..
i DONT deserve Him.
but i know He'll take me back anyways..
what a humbling, truly humbling, concept..
God.Is.A.LOVING.Father. <3
God is also..a FORGIVING Father <3
it feels like ive been stuck in this depressed state for...far too long.
i think its literally been months.
and its been worse than its ever been.

but, after allll this time;
after allll my doubts and
questioning and pain..
read that again.
He NEVER left.
not once.

i fell harder than i EVER have.
i questioned things and people ive believed in all my life.
but ALL this aside..He's still here.
and im ok.
i am truly, for maybe the first time since summer, and for sure the first time since october 11..
i know im gonna be ok.
everything might not be ok..
but I am.
because of Him.

Friday, December 2, 2011

do you ever KNOW something is wrong, but you dont care and you just do it anyways?
well, i do sometimes.
it has a lot to do with the way i think.
for instance, i let myself fall into thinking about the past and thinking about and reliving regrets...and all it does it bring me down.
but even though i KNOW whats gonna happen, bc ive done it how many times before, i still do it.
and i feel awful.
im so sick of not being strong enough to rise against all this.
ive grown to be pretty strong with physical stuff. but as far as the way i think?

thats still SO hard..

one thing ive come to know is that im NEVER gonna be done growing and changing.
and i think thats a good thing actually.
but that means theres always gonna be SOMETHING that is a challenge for me.
because in challenges you grow.
and in the moments i am weakest, He is strongest.
and in the moments i fall short, He picks me back up.
its so hard for me to admit my shortcomings though..
but its been good for me.
it keeps me accountable.
you cant go it alone.
i should know, after all.
just another example about how i know something but dont act on it..haha

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

i flip back and forth.
between feeling numb,
and feeling everything.
i wanna be happy.
and sometimes, for a moment,
i am.
but it..never sticks.

"you cant stop me
from fallin apart,
cuz my self-destruction is

life has been soo..
especially lately.
especially since..
since summer ended.
and it only got harder
come october..
and from there?
things flip.
between getting worse
and seeming better.

"Im not giving up
givin in
when will this war end??"

no. i wont give up.
but the question still screams
when will it stop?
will i ever see the day
where i DONT have to fight
just to make it through?

"right now.."

i cry out to Him.
He comes.
i know He does.
i cant always feel it.
but ive known Him long enough
to know He comes.
but all my life..
ive known OF Him.
theres a huge difference between
knowing Him
and knowing OF Him.

I want to trust Him.
but i trust everyone.
and they always let me down.
and i dont have much left in me.
if i get let down again
i just dont know..
if i can pick myself up again.
so if i take a chance on Him
and He lets me down
like basically everyone else has..

"do you believe
that time heals all wounds?"

no. i honestly dont. 
there are some things that,
no matter how long its been,
will still hurt.
time isnt a miracle worker.
time doesnt really CHANGE anything
it simply makes memories 
fade a little.
and lets wounds become scars.
but i dont believe time HEALS.

"I cant believe it 
still hurts like this."

but it does.

"we'd listen to the radio 
play all night,
didnt wanna go home
to another fight,
through all the hard times
in my life,
those nights kept me alive..
i remember when,
we used to drive
anywhere but here,
as long as we'd 
forget our lives.."

i do avoid the fights. 
i avoid conflict.
i avoid emotions 
and feeling things.
basically at all costs.
i didnt used to.
i used to handle things.
when they say you dont know 
what you have till its gone,
they dont lie.
i didnt know how much 
it meant to me to be
able to express myself
..until it was taken.
oh, i can still do it.
after all, i am right now.
but i do so recognizing
that there could be 
honestly, if you didnt
go through it, you cant
you might think 
im being dramatic.
but when your privacy
is so far invaded that
it breaks OTHER people
and invades their privacy
you learn to watch what you do.

"theres nothin wrong with us..
those nights belong to us.."

no matter what ANYONE says.
no matter how much they have
messed this up in my head.
no matter what lies we've heard.
we know there is 
in fact, in my opinion,
never has anything been 
i think thats why theres a lot
of hate and..
controversy, if you will
about "us".
i know satan hates everything
about the two of us.
and he will do ANYTHING
to try to see the death
of our friendship.
too much good has come
out of us for him to
do anything but wish 
for it to end.
but, try as ANYONE will,
we arent going anywhere.
"You cant tear apart
what God brought
you said it yourself.
and youre right.

I know God has a plan
in alllll of this.
but its just so hard
to trust.
even Him.
THATS how far broken
i am.
unfortunate, sad..
but true.
i have to admit the truth
if i am every again gonna
come face to face with the Light.
im sick of standing in darkness.
but the cold truth is?
i think its..safer.
i was fine in the light
and i was vulnerable.
i was open.
and i got attacked.
well, no one dares venture
into my darkness.
but the truth?
i secretly hate it here.
i love the security it brings
but i hate the loneliness i feel.

"I must confess
that i feel like
i hate what
ive become,
the nightmare's
just begun..
i, i, i feel
like a MONSTER..
theres no escape 
for me
it wants my soul
it wants my heart.."


Monday, November 21, 2011


when i reached my breaking point, i finally handed everything over to God. i hate that it took me so long. but i suppose what counts is that i did it. i handed all my cares to God. i begged Him to intervene..and to do it quickly.
i went to bed last night LITERALLY feeling so much lighter.
He LITERALLY lifted my burdens from me.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

i let you in to let me down
its ok its just how things go
no one ever really sticks around
i should just learn how to breathe on my own

hes the reason i fall asleep with my phone in my hand.
shes the reason i believe there are people out there that care.

people can either be your reason to fly,
or your reason to fall apart.

i have some of both people in my life.
but the honest truth is..i think i have more people that make me fall apart, than i have people to build me back up.
i was sitting in church today, just having a real honest conversation with God.
i told Him i had reasons i couldnt give Him my whole life.
im not doing that great a job holding myself together these days. But i have my life by a thread. and im not letting go.
i told Him that. i told Him that to give it up to Him, to let go of the last thread im holding onto, to give Him me and to allow Him to break me if He so chooses...was something i couldnt do.
not again.
it was then that i realized WHY i felt like this.
and i told Him what i was feeling.
"people always break me when given the opportunity. but they never stick around to put me back together. if i let You break me..who is to say YOU'LL put me back together? i just cant afford to be broken and left one.more.time. because...if im broken and the one who breaks me walks away...i may not be able to put myself back together this time.."
i told you it was honest. and thats not verbatim get the picture.
its all true though.
i really dont think i can keep putting myself back together. knows i feel like this. and yeah, i WANT to trust God. i really do. but i trust everyone and EVERYONE lets me down.
EVERYONE. far, of everyone ive ever known, ONE person is still trustworthy.
the point is, if you knew my track record, youd understand why my heart is so hesitant to let me trust anymore.

God help me. im too broken to cry out much more than that. just...rescue me, please. i KNOW, probably better than most, that i dont deserve this. that i dont deserve You..but i need You. please dont leave me. ever. <\3

Saturday, November 19, 2011

"There is a new place, where dreams just cant come true, it started the day, that i left you.."

"I could never love again, the way i loved you
I could never cry again, like i did when i left you
...I could never love again, now that we're apart"

i really missed out on a great era. the 80s.
God, can i just say...i feel sooo stupid. like, seriously.
i wanna cry. i just burn inside. i wont let anyone see it, but im really upset. everything about him used to make me feel amazing. now everything about him makes me feel ashamed.
maybe this is a sign..?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Who do you think you are, runnin round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart..

i wish it would snow. im ready. im ready for this season to just change.
to be honest, im not really ready for the holidays.
to be honest, some days i wish i could just sleep right on thru...well..just a while.
because when im asleep...i dont have to deal with anything.
its not that im tired of living...
im just exhausted.
dont get me wrong, i love life and i wouldnt give it up..
i just need a break.
and 6 hours of being haunted by dreams and nightmares really just isnt cutting it anymore :/
i just dont think i can play games much longer.
im looking back at the last 2
and its not good.
much less the last YEAR..
in the course of 2011, ive gotten into relationships i shouldnt have, ended relationships i could have saved, hurt people, broke hearts, broke my OWN heart, gotten into relationship altering arguments with people i love and people that love me but the fights have SERIOUSLY put a strain on our relationship, fallen for yet ANOTHER player, had to relive and try to deal with last winter...
and thats just the beginning.
theres a few good things that came out of this year.
they are few and far between but, when they came, they were monumental  
all i can hope now, is that 2012 will be much better.
because ive just given up on trying to make 2011 good. come what may. i can tell, this was definitely NOT my year :P
"Leaving scars.." you know when you play a song, and its just like a mirror image of your life? yeah. "you broke all your promises, and now youre back, you dont get to get me back.."
"Dont come back for me, DONT COME BACK AT ALL.."
ughh you want to know the worst part?
even once 2011 is over...all of this stuff will come back to haunt me. ://
sometimes it just feels like im never gonna win. never gonna beat this life.
i feel like its taking over me.
oh! and i didnt even get to the absolute worst.part.
...i cant even feel God with me <\\3
i pray, i read my Bible..and He just feels sooo far.
ive never felt like this before.
not even when i basically removed Him from my life for like a year... :'//
honestly i...i cry out and i beg Him to become real to me...
but my heart is numb. and worse, cold. my heart is like an icicle.
i dont feel God's warmth there at all.
and i dont blame Him. i know i did this.
last month...
i can trace it back.
seriously i wanna cry. i know what happened and im both horribly angry, and terribly sad and upset.
for SO long i worked to make myself open. to embrace my feelings. to be honest about what im feeling and going through. i didnt open up to just anyone, but there were always select people i was honest with. and moreover?
i was ALWAYS honest with myself.
but now? i write off feelings like they are nothing. i dont DARE. LET. MYSELF. FEEL. ANYTHING.
because my feelings, my tender, open attacked.
so i shut myself up, and i built walls, and i closed the doors and let no one in.
i even started doing that with the one person i swore to never do it with.
thankfully, we talked about it..and..its ok.
but as far as everyone else? and as far as the ones who took shots at me and my heart?
BIGGGG walls. BIG.
and somehow, i ended up shutting out God.
i never NEVER meant to do that.
but i dont know how to get Him back.
even though i KNOW its not true, i cant help but feel like i blew my only shot. just like a person, i shut Him out, and He's not coming back. well, i KNOW in my head that that isnt true.
but my hearts got nothing. its too icy and numb to know anything.
and thats where i need to know it the most..<\\\3

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"I learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time..."

wait...i just got over you...or anyways i was getting there...and NOW you come back?
maybe she's right. maybe im too blinded to see it so maybe i should take my best friends advice. maybe i see the best in you because thats what i want to see..but maybe she can see the truth in you. that youre no good for me. that youre only toying with me. that you hurt me once so, yeah..youll probably hurt me again.
maybe this is the truth about you.
but maybe, just maybe, there IS something to be said for a guy that keeps..coming back.
i mean, ive told you how.many.times. that youre not getting what you want physically from this relationship.
so WHY do you keep coming back?!
could it be, oh, you actually CARE..about me? O.o
no. no i wont let myself believe that. bc its probably not true.
no, you probably just came back around bc you thought you could wear me down.
i shouldve never talked to you last night.
but, for all my talk, i sorta knew if you texted me..i would text back.
and i did.
i have to learn how to do this with you, how to talk to you, how to feel out the relationship..withOUT getting emotionally attached.
i NEED to learn...
i need to..
you hurt me once..
or WHOEVERS fault that was, *I* got hurt once already...
i wont.  let it happen again.. [<3] see that? WALLS. around my heart. and i wont just let them fall for you. no, if you want them to fall, youre gonna have to WORK for it. youre gonna have to work for ME. because #IAmWorthIt :D

Monday, November 14, 2011

I can find a MAN and not a boy..

i ok. for now. ugh. guys. and yes, my fb status IS for him.
hahaha i hope he knows he blew his chance.
and hes never getting another one.

Why is everything so confusing, maybe im just out of my mind..

in case anyone's wondering, yeah, he broke my heart.
he broke my heart and i just...let him.
he left and i just...let him.
he lead me on and lied to me from the VERY START...and i just let him.
is this my fault?
it sure as heck feels like it.
to basically everyone around me, i looked like i had my head on straight.
well, as hard as i tried to keep it on straight, i just couldnt. i got caught up in his lines, lost in his eyes...

"this doesnt mean i dont love everything about you, but sometimes thats not enough.."

that in and of itself is horrible. love. not.being.enough.
but whats worse?

"Im not enough and i wont be ever if not not cut out.."

*I* wasnt enough for you.
i wasnt.

goshhhh i am SO upset with her. your LAST gf. because i feel like she tainted you. you were so nice, such a sweet boy...and then you went out with her. and i feel like you held me to her standard. 
well, IM NOT HER!!!
get that thru your head!!!
and the thing is, i TOLD you that much. i TOLD you i wouldnt be the girl she was. you said that was fine. you said you RESPECTED me.
youre a liar.
im hitting the keys so hard and typing these words so fast...i am SO mad at you. and her. there arent even words.

"im done hopin we could work it done thinkin you could ever change, i know my heart will never be the same, but im tellin myself ill be ok..."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

worse than just knowing whats gonna waiting.
just wait and see.
anyone that knows me knows that isnt something i do well.
i can be patient physically...sorta...but emotionally? nope.
youre making me wait and my heart is getting more and more attached..
which honestly, could be one of my biggest mistakes of the year. because if in waiting, youre searching out other girls or, i dare say, SEEING other girls, and im sitting here letting my heart get attached..
and i would trust your words...but, ya know, i havent heard from you in days.
and your words are fading in my heart.
sure, i have your texts locked on my phone...
but i miss hearing you SAY them.
i miss being with you.
i cautiously replay memories of that night..
i miss you.
that was hard for me to admit.
i never thought i had pride..
but seriously, there is no room in love for pride.
love destroys all your pride. and i think, thats a good thing.
but its been hard.
my pride tells me not to miss you bc if you dont miss me then i look clingy and desperate and whatnot.
NEVER a word i expected to describe me.
honestly, im learning a lot about myself this year.
yesterday, i fell apart..
tomorrow ill probably fall apart.
today i might even fall apart.
i want to be happy again.
i hadnt been truly happy in SO long..
and then you came along.
and i smiled more in those first few days than i think i have all year.

but just because someone makes you smile, dont EVER think that means they cant make you cry.

because they definitely can.

im sorry. for..whatever i did that..
im just sorry.
and i miss you.
it may be stupid.
i may be stupid.
i miss you and thats that.

Friday, November 11, 2011

lately...i cant even stand to see your face. 
it just hurts too much.

i miss being close.
i miss even being friends.
now...i dont even know WHAT we are...
all i know is i miss it. i miss us. i miss you.
i honestly do.
but i dont know how to tell you.
because you dont like me anymore.
and i dont miss THAT you.
i miss the you that liked me.

i miss him too. 
something inside of me just wants to text him and tell him i miss him. just leave it at that.
but i refuse.
i will deny myself this because, from the very beginning, HE called the shots. i liked it like that and i miss it and im SURE not gonna step up and start makin moves.
he knows where to find me if he really misses me.
and you know where to find me if you can first find it in you to stop hating me and want me back as a good friend
im not that hard to find. if you really want me, youll look. and if you look, youll find me.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

i dont even wanna say these things. i dont want them to be true. i sit here and talk to myself, alone, wishing that last winter had never happened.
i always want what i cant have. i feel stupid to keep going on and on about this.
but it was real.
and it was fake.
all at the same time.
note to self: never let a boy hold your heart, if he isnt even holding your hand.
this is...what i get.
i shouldve known.
why do i keep going on?
i thought i let go. maybe i was think i ever COULD let go.
maybe letting go...isnt even an option.
or maybe im being dramatic and stupid...
but is that fair? i feel these things. should i just discredit them? write them off?
i need to talk to someone. im letting this...ruin everything.
i hate this. some sick way...i like it.
i like feeling something again.
i think...i like...thinking about you.
thats sick.
seriously sick.
that after ALLLL of this...
no way.
there is no way on this earth that i could still have feelings for you.
oh God please tell me this isnt true...please...
goshhhh!! NO! not again, not this all over again. im asking for heartbreak.
and i have someone! someone sweet and amazing...
someone nice to me. someone real...with me..
you never were. ANY of those things. you took advantage of the fact that your dazzling smile blinded me.
you worked those lines.
didnt you?
why do i feel like maybe im the only one to blame?
is that true? am i blaming you for something that is only MY fault? did *I* blow this up in my mind?
no. no i was there. i remember the words you said, the looks you gave me...whether you meant anything or not, we were flirting. and we both know it. so maybe you honest to goodness werent trying to toy with me. maybe you never meant for me to take things the way that i did.
but the fact is..i did.
how stupid is this? just let him go! my head screams.
but my heart...
NO.ONE. would look at this situation and see why i am sooo wrapped up in it.
no one.
but they werent there. they dont understand.
and as much as i want to talk to someone, *I* cant explain.
i dont even remember the story...
i can just still feel it.
and i cant explain that to someone because these emotions are ones youd have to feel to know.
i WISH i knew the truth. i WISH I knew WHAT happened last winter..but i dont.
all i know is pieces of how i felt then, and how i feel
and it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up...
its just there.
he was the first.boy. to pay any real attention to me.
so i took it, i grabbed onto it..and i swore to NEVER let it go.
but then the time came...and i had to.
and i tried to convince myself that it would be OK for me to stay...for him.
and i thank God i never did.
but....ugh! nothing.happened.
thats just it. i almost wish something had...because at least id have legit reasons to feel like this. reasons...that people might understand.
but it didnt, and i dont.
all i know is how he made me feel.
and the confidence he gave me.
when i was with him...i felt SO gorgeous.
i dont even know why...he just...made me feel like that.
but then when i left...and he made NO effort to keep in touch even though he said he wanted to..
he left the pursuit up to me.
or maybe he'd let go and didnt care at all.
i dont know.
but whatever we'd HAD or ALMOST HAD...was over.
and i felt like i wasnt enough for him.
and if i wasnt enough for him..why should i ever be enough for anyone?
i never have been.
and things with him pounded that in me further.
i wasnt worth pursuing, i wasnt worth chasing after...
i just wasnt.
and so all these things i had felt with him..turned into icy lies in my heart. and in my head. and i told myself that everything he'd said was a line; that every nice word out of a guys mouth was a lie. or a line.
and i told myself that along with that, everything id FELT with him, was a lie.
so me feeling pretty? lie.
me being liked by someone? lie.
id told myself all along that he pursued me.
i guess then i felt worthy of being pursued. "a guy like him" pursuing me...
cept...he never did.
in retrospect, he MAY have started things. BIG "if". he may have. but i kept them going and i kept them going long after he'd lost interest and moved on.
im scared thats what im doing now, with this new guy.
but i dont even WANT to mix him into all this.
i hate it...but the truth of the matter is that he's already in it.
i havent cut ties from last winter. so my past still follows me..and haunts
this is stupid. seriously. get up, move on...
i used to be strong.
those words are words i LIVED by. 'get up..move on..'
but i was strong WITH him...and after him i became weak.
because 'strong' was a lie.
'pretty' was a lie.
'worthy' was a lie.
not lies HE told me. no. these were lies i told myself.
things that were true...but after him i told myself everything id ever known..was a lie.
i dont even know why.
i just wanted to run. after that. i wanted to start over. i wanted to be everything i wasnt..maybe because it felt like everything i WAS was what wasnt enough for him.
i dont know.
all i know is i wanted out. of this town, of this state...
just out.
i needed to get away.
i ran away as best i could...
no. thats a lie.
because we're still friends..on facebook.
First snowfall 
winter scares me. honestly. i think i seriously have like, seasonal depression..not to mention the whole "last winter" thing...
im scared.
i want to enjoy winter. i want to snuggle up next to the fire, with my cozy pjs and oversized sweaters, with a mug of steaming cocoa and my family surrounding me; friends to go sledding and build snowmen with, a sweet boyfriend to brush snowflakes out of my hair and make snow angels, a tree to decorate while dancing like idiots to old Christmas carols on the radio, cookies and pies and "comfort food"...
all the beautiful things about this season.
oh! and Christmas present shopping...i love it. i love the secrecy and surprises. 
seriously, this season is so..magical 
until....its been ruined for you.
now, when i think of winter, i remember long, cold, dark nights; all alone, wishing he would just go through with even half of the things he acted like he meant, emptiness, scars, tears, knowing that whatever i was wasnt enough for him and never would be...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

everyone might think im weird for knowing this and having thought of this...
oh wait, no one knows it but me and you :)
haha ok so you might think im weird, but...its like a big deal!
im so proud of us...
im gonna be cryptic on here so happy, i had to get it out somewhere!
100 days.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

i hate apologies. i mean, i hate having to say them.
kind of like how i hate goodbyes.
but id much rather apologize to you than say goodbye because i was too stubborn to apologize.
so i did it.
i sent the text that i sat on all day.
now i just pray and wait for your response.
♥ its raining. my playlist for the morning is swapping between Impossible by Shontelle and Tightrope by Ron Pope.
its just a sad song kind of day.
fall is almost over. its kind of sad. but, im the weirdest way, im looking forward to winter.
but i didnt come on here to write about the weather; but to tell you what it means for me.
season changes bring out different emotions in me.
lately, ive been kind of scared for winter.
because of LAST winter.
once trust is broken, it CAN be fixed.
but it will never be the same.
i know God can restore anything.
but i still have scars and thats just fact.
but that doesnt mean im never gonna love again.
so maybe i got played once. maybe i got lead on. maybe i lead my own heart on. maybe this isnt even his fault. ok, it is. but i think its my fault too. i need to be more responsible and careful with my heart.
but im ready to let all that go. it doesnt matter whose fault it was. it doesnt matter what happened, and it certainly doesnt matter what didnt. all matters. it mattered then, and it still does matter.
but i can forgive him, forgive myself, forgive the situation, say 'yeah it does matter, but im ready to let go', and then? do just  that.
im ready.
i slept for like, a reallyyy long time last night. and all throughout that time, i dreamt..of someone.
i dreamt of you. 
not the same guy that hurt me. no, i dreamt of the guy i cant LET myself love and trust BECAUSE of that other guy.
i saw all that we could have, all that we could be....and i could FEEL the emotions.
i like him.
a lot.
before i went to bed last night, i read back over our texts from this weekend.
i was so cold.
i was short with him.
nothing like it used to be.
i USED to let him sweep me off my feet. 
and this weekend, it was like my feet were buried 4 feet under the ground.
:/ i feel so awful.
i was scared of getting hurt so like i ALWAYS do, i protected myself.
'if he doesnt get close i cant get hurt.'
but i also cant get love. i miss how things used to be and yet, im the one wrecking them.
all because of some guy i knew last winter.
no. no more.
i woke up this morning and i knew.
its time.
im letting him go.
i also terrifying as this is to admit....i really like this kid.
i dont wanna lose him..especially over some old ghost from my past.
i want him to pursue me like he did before. 
i want to not resist. 
i wanna let everything from our pasts go and let THIS relationship happen NOW.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Too Far Too Broken

i cant write this song.
i just cant do it.
it hurts too much.
its just too real.
i dont wanna dig up all those old emotions.
i didnt want to feel that way the first time and i sure as HECK dont ever want to feel it again.
but to write the song...i have to go back there.
to deal with this, i have to go back there.
this is how i deal. i know i need to do this.
but im scared.
im scared to dig up those old feelings. thoughts. memories. tears. emptiness. hurts. disappointments. lies. lines.
im scared to remember you.

Umbrella in the sunshine

im just carrying my umbrella, waiting for rain that may or may not ever come.
but, if it does come, im prepared.
i may miss out on things in life because i cant grab on to them, considering that one hand is always being used to carry the umbrella; BUT, if it rains, ill be the prepared one.
and if it doesnt, well, then maybe ill regret carrying the umbrella and missing out on other things because of that.
but at least i knew that, IF it DID rain, i wouldnt get soaked. i would stay nice and dry and warm.
looks like either way ill regret. if it does rain, and i dont carry an umbrella, if im not prepared for storms, ill regret that. but if i carry and umbrella and anticipate the rain clouds, and all i get are sunny skies and missed opportunities, well, ill regret that too.
whats the right answer??
"Worry about nothing, but in everything pray and give thanks.."
worrying is what causes me to carry an umbrella. im worried its gonna downpour any second, and ill be caught in the middle of it UNLESS i protect myself.
this is all a metaphor, of course.
but it paints such an accurate portrait of me.
the Bible says not to worry.
and yet,
here i stand with my umbrella.
life has taught me,
i have to prepare and protect myself.

"And though You're invisible, ill trust the unseen.."

How often do i do that? Lately, i cant even trust the seen...

I hate everything about you

i wish that were true.
"Its just that my girl's been so hurt and im not tryin to be the next one going through it.."

"This time i wont say no, cuz sayin no is a way to protect me.."

i dont wanna just be another regret. another scar. another girl from his past. another ex-girlfriend.
another almost lover.
thats what i dont want him to be.
another almost lover.
i went through the whole "almost lover" thing once.
ya know, i spent all morning going back through all my stuff from last winter....
and i still cant piece together exactly what happened. i only remember snapshots.
i can tell i was torn, bc half the time i loved you and half the time i wanted you gone. half the time i was mad at you and half the time i couldnt bring myself to hate you at all.
but as for what actually happened?
i dont know.
i cant make sense of this.
i look at your picture and i want to cry just to try and get this out. but i cant. i just feel so much but the tears refuse to come.
i want to just freaking forget you already.
im so tired of this. it makes me sick to see the feelings i still have from you affecting the way i feel about him.
you broke me and you literally KNOCKED THE NAIVE OUT OF ME.
you were the FIRST GUY to introduce me to the art of lines.
and now i cant trust him because of WHAT YOU DID. you didnt mean what you said, hence, lines. and now i cant trust that he means what he says because im only used to sweet words being lines used to get something from me.
wow. i havent typed your name in so long. (shortened to D for identity cover)
it feels weird. it like, still affects me.. :/
i want to just keep typing it because, when i do, i actually feel something. i need to feel something if im ever gonna get over this.
and i WANT to get over this! because i have someone new, someone waiting on me to let you go. to let the past go. to let mistakes go. to let my scars go.
....hes waiting on me.
people say he must like me. otherwise, why would he take things slow with me; why would he be so patient with me? if he were just out to get something, he would pick a different girl. one that would give it to him. i know he knows i wont because ive told him. ive told him straight up that if thats what hes looking for, he better find a different girl.
he said thats not whats hes after.
and even more than ANY words hes said, i look at the way he acts.
he texts me
he takes things slow with me.
and hes said he doesnt want a different girl EVEN THOUGH he knows i wont go very far physically with him.
he knows alllll of this and yet...
he does all of that.
he stays.
but im distant and cold because of you.
im broken because of you and that flows over into how i feel about and treat him... :///
im DONE letting you hurt me.
im done. i dont know HOW to let go yet, but what i do know is i WILL let go.
i will.
im done.
goodbye D.