Fear has held me back for...my whole life. honestly, i am just now starting to figure out how to break free from its strong hold that its had on me.

this is actually a good one. well, the breaking free part anyways!! but honestly, my life has been basically a captive of fear, i did what it told me to do, i stayed away from the things it told me to stay away from. 

FEAR controlled ME.
im learning, but its HARD.

i have never worked for anything in my life. I mean, REALLY worked.

hmmm...this occurred to me at work (lol of all places) today.

but like, if something is too hard, I.JUST.BACK.DOWN.

seriously i have been soooo lazy it is ridiculous. and now, EXACTLY 8 months and one day and i will be a dang adult!

i need to prove something, not only to everyone else, but to myself. i need to WORK for something.

its like, in some twisted way, i expected life to just hand me what i want? no, i know i have to work for it. ive just been too lazy or too scared to get up and get out there and....DO SOMETHING!

i run this course over and over and i can never seem to get out. its like, i know im going in circles. i just don't see an exit...

or i choose not to take it.

i.cant.trust. 

im not angry anymore. just hurt. really... disappointed in myself.  because it wasnt supposed to be like this. and yet....it is. 

familiar, no matter how bad, is better than unknown. something, whether or not its a lie, is better than nothing.

why yes, i DO think like this. sometimes. subconsciously. but i do.

or maybe i dont even think it. i just live it.

seriously, i just dont know how to leave these bad things behind me. 

how to move on, and hope for the future...

i dont know how. i wish i did, cuz id do it in.a.second.

but i dont. i WISH i could do it in a second. cuz this is turning out to be such a long and painful process...

everything is broken, nothing will ever be fixed.

gosh. you know those kind of nights when it feels like youre never gonna heal. 

lets just say, i have these nights a lot.

i ruin everything good that comes my way.

speaks for itself. honestly, you can think im being dramatic...

but its true.

don't hope for things. you'll just wind up hurt.

seriously. if you hope for things you.are.gonna.get.hurt.

i dont know many people that share this view this me. they still think its better to hope.

they are probably right.

but they havent seen my heart.

honestly, it can afford another scar.

theres like, physically not enough room to even put another one on there.

although, im sure life will prove me wrong about that statement too.

dont trust. people, situations or yourself. you just wind up with scars on your heart.

um. sorry. but life has ALSO proven this one to be true for me.

i HATE it. if i could pick one to change, it would be this one.

im trying. 

i just.dont.know.how.