Wednesday, April 27, 2011


and then there's you…
i knew better than to think about you…but i did it anyways. what i didn't know was how much it would hurt.
thoughts of you floated in on the breeze..little did i know they were razor-edged memories. they ripped into my heart.
i am praying that God will right my head and heart. because, as much as thinking about you hurts, i like it. and yet i know its dangerous. i need to keep myself in check. i need to not let thoughts of you crowd of God AGAIN!! and none of that is YOUR fault. i am the one that let it happen. 
but the fact is, i need to be careful. but tell me, is thinking about you so wrong? as long as i keep myself in it so wrong?

"Someday i'll be, big enough that you can't hit me..."

i'm lying here listening to Demi Lovato's Back Around.
I am mad at her for the way she talked to me today. for assuming i would just be there for whatever she needed and that i would be her puppet and just play along at a tug of the strings. The way people talk i'm sure i have a reputation there too. a reputation for being innocent and quiet. whatever. 
but she thought she could cross me and yell a little and i would give in. people always assume that.
But you were wrong. i knew you would yell. and i looked like the bigger person because i remained calm. monotone even.
i remained mature.
something most people i know cannot manage. if you are unhappy with your life, stressed, whatever, that doesn't give you reason to take it out on me. and i know exactly why its me you choose to mess with. 
And you're wrong!
Obviously. I proved that today. And i don't want to go on and on about this because all it does it frustrate me more. and you don't deserve it!
"I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer…"
so, once i am finished ranting here…i will try to forget. 
except that i can't. because i have to deal with this. grrr…stupid people always messing with my head. 

Forget you!!

grrrrrr :@ yeah…whatever. if you don't respect me, which you obviously DON'T then i suppose i need to not care either. 
i am pretty sure i will be leaving. as soon as i work up the nerve. i hate that you are making me go through this AGAIN!! because i hate this process. but i won't stay simply because i am too scared to make the first move to leave. =/ But good try! hahaha you think i am so innocent and i will just play along. well, today was only a little taste of what's to come! (*evil chuckle) yep. you just wait. i have let far too many people take advantage of me. but i won't let you. you don't deserve it. you don't even pretend to hide your disdain. "forget you and for-get him too…" hahaha. XD
that's perfect, i'll go listen to that and laugh! :) and in a couple of days you will regret having ever crossed me and having shown me so much disrespect! =P

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"I wanna wake up feeling beautiful..."

it's scary how increasingly fake i am getting. 
i am looking at hair extensions. i have dyed my hair. i hate winter paleness and would get a tan if i could.  i cover my face in foundation every morning and slather my eyelashes in mascara and i don't feel beautiful until i've done that. and no one can say anything against that because i never let people see me without makeup. there is a handful of people i guess, but it is small...
Anyways, the point is...fake nails. fake hair. fake faces. 
and i stand here and say i want to be real. 
i don't know where this is gong but its something i've noticed about myself. i am happy to know it now rather than later when everything had elevated and progressed and whatnot. 
It is something i will be praying about later tonight when i write in my (newly established!!) prayer journal <3
because i don't want to be fake. not again. not when i was just coming to terms with being real. <3

Monday, April 25, 2011

"Our July...In The Rain..."

ack. so i only have 10 minutes…i am clearly going to have to come back to this…
but i will start anyways. because i fear if i don't start soon, i won't do it at all. at least this way if i start, i have to finish.

this is it. in less than 12 hours i will be 17. not that big of a deal, right? except that this is my last year of being a "child", of high school…potentially of living at home, although that i can control, where as the other two are beyond my control.
yup. in one year and 7 and a half hours i will be 18.
an adult.
that scares me.
i have a lot of decisions to make.
tomorrow is my birthday…sure feels weird. it doesn't feel like i'm gonna be 17…
i am trying not to stress. a birthday is supposed to be fun, right?
but it just reminds me how little time i have left to actually "be a kid". and how near and looming my future really is.
i feel mature. i mean…ish.
i guess i feel like i have had a fair amount of responsibility, these last couple months especially, which has done me some good actually. a little taste of "adulthood". and i feel like i have grown up a lot this year. i am learning to have my own opinions (okay, so i have always had those!) i am learning to make up my own mind about something. whether to believe it or not; how i feel about something…
i have trusted when i shouldn't have but i learned for the future what to look out for. 
that's how i need to look at this. 
i learned something.
i can take these lessons with me.
i need to not look at my past, look back at the last 16 years, and see brokenness. no! there is far too much happiness and joy to focus on those few dark moments. i don't want to regret my childhood. i was naive. i still am. and i am in no way eager to lose that! i like being a little ignorant sometimes. i don't need to know ALL the ways of this world. and its not that i am closing my eyes to it, simply that i am not searching out answers to questions i don't even have.
*sigh…i have to go…i will be back later to add to this and post it though :)
back! :) i guess i could take out these parts of the post (the parts about coming back and stuff) but i feel that removes the spontaneity and honesty out of the post! :)
anyways, i am sitting here listening to Lee Ann Womack (Last Call, at the moment, one of my all time favorites!!) and typing :) Just enjoying my last few moments of being 16. exactly 3 hours from RIGHT NOW, and i will be 17.
I don't know...i am not feeling like i was before when i started typing this. i am not as scared. i am embracing it. maybe because i know i have to. i mean, its gonna happen, so i may as well embrace it and enjoy it!
16 has incredible year. ups and downs...but the ups far outweighed the downs both in number as well as power! I don't hold onto the downs. i don't let them drag me away. anyways, i try not to! 16 has been a learning and a growing year...but for the best!
and i can't wait to see what 17 holds! <3

"How do i breathe without you, if you ever go..."

more and more i keep finding myself wanting to start something, and realizing i don't have sufficient time to finish it. 
like these posts. they are becoming few and far between, at least, compared to what they have been in the past, because i have come to realize that, somehow, my life has gotten filled with "have to's" and "must's". Things i have to do, places i have to be, time commitments that need to be kept. 
so, i have things i want to type, but i have difficulty finding the time…
anyways, i will be back because there is something important i want to record…<3

Friday, April 22, 2011

"I'll never know, how much it cost, to see my sin, upon that Cross..."

I really don't think i will EVER know. I can't know. I can't understand how much He hurt, hanging there. He took on MY sin. I should have been the one to suffer.
But He did it for me.
That is unfathomable to me.
It occurred to me the other day...that God loves us!
I mean, i knew that,'s the thing. He is God. And He could have, when Adam and Eve chose to sin, He could have said, "well, these ones messed up." and left it at that. He could have left us to our fate, and started over with a new group of people...He could have wiped the WHOLE earth, with the flood, instead of saving some. He could have just said, "they went against Me." He could have left it there. He could have left us.


But He did it.
He hung there...on that Cross. He was beaten and whipped. He was mocked and laughed at. He was scorned...For me. 
How humbling.
He loves me.
He loves you.
He didn't leave us to our fate and you know what that tells me?
He cares or He wouldn't have gone through the trouble and pain of saving us.
Sometimes i think i know how it feels to love someone. And they hurt you but you hold on anyways.
And then i look at God. How many times do we hurt HIM?
And He still holds on. He still loves us.
I can sit here and say, "I have messed up". A lot.
I am nowhere near perfect. Or blameless. I can't go and sit in church and look at the Cross and say, "well, its a nice idea. How nice of Him to do that for the people that need forgiveness and salvation." And assume that i am apart from that! I can't sit there and say that because *I* need His forgiveness. His salvation. His mercy.
His love.
I want to be honest. I am a little nervous for service tonight. But i cannot pinpoint exactly why...
A couple of weeks ago at the retreat i went on, we ha d a service about forgiveness. We nailed pieces of paper with our sins on them to the cross. and i sat there and cried. hearing those pounds of the hammer. one after the other. i knew.
And i sat there just weeping. For our sins. For the pain that we had caused our Maker.
And our Savior.
I'm not afraid of confronting my sin. Because i've already been there.
Maybe it's because i hate to see what we did to Him. How much pain we caused Him.
When i was younger i didn't understand why Jesus had to die on the cross. I mean, i wondered why there couldn't have been a simpler way to do things.
But i realize now that everything is so carefully thought out. So interwoven. Things have to happen a certain way. The Bible says, "the wages of sin is death." It couldn't rightly contradict itself. Jesus died SO WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
Someone had to die.
Jesus took the rap for us. For our sin.
I'm just feeling in awe today. I can't even believe it. I know i have to come face to face with my sin tonight. And i am ready. There will be tears. I know. It won't be fun but then, how much fun was it for Him to hang there, and to die for our sins?! Yeah...i am being selfish to try to do things any other way. I am not looking forward to this service. But i am choosing to go because it is wrong any other way. After what He did for me...i am being selfish to shy away from a powerful service.
It's Friday...But Sunday's comin.. <3
That's what gives me hope. me hope.
He has given me hope and so many others.
He died.
So i wouldn't have to.
He payed a price i never could have.
A price He never should have had to.

"He lived the life we couldn't..and He died the death we should have." <3 And i can never repay or even express my gratitude.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Spend all my time helping everybody else, then i run out of time for fixing myself.

This year is probably the most challenging...or maybe the second most...
it is stretching me beyond what i thought were my limits. and while i've sort of proven that those AREN'T my limits, obviously since i've surpassed them, it still hurts.
this is hard stuff!
i feel like i am forever going. rushing. being.
once again, i'm just living.
just getting by.
and once again, i am sick of it.
and once again...
i'll do nothing about it.
because, once again, i can't.
i am avoiding life and i hate it. im not even sure what im avoiding just that i am so overwhelmed and i have SO much on my plate that im not dealing with any of it. i don't know where to start, so i just don't start.

and like i said, i LOVE helping everyone else!! 
and i know i have to...
i am doing what i can to keep things from falling apart. everything i can..
and then some.
but what counts is that nothing has fallen apart.
if i had time, i'd celebrate that fact. but i don't so i can't.
im not trying to sound all depressing and melodramatic here. forgive me, but i needed somewhere to let this out.
i am just falling apart. it is VERY rare that i let people see this part of me. the side that ISN'T strong. the side that, yes, right or wrong, needs him so i CAN be weak. i need to be weak and i need him so i CAN be.
i am so confused and puzzled right now.
life. not as easy as you might have been tricked into thinking.

-A little bit stronger-

my heart breaks for so many things right now. so many people in so many places. my heart feels like its everywhere right now. i cannot tell whether its broken or just deeply scarred. I'm pretty sure its missing pieces though, because i'm pretty sure i have left pieces everywhere i've been.
I have so many things to do. And its stressing me out.
I've got so much money that needs to go in different places, and none of the money to actually put there.
i've got so many time constraints. time crunches. but not a substantial amount of time.
its just like...suddenly everything is closing in on me. sometimes i can handle it and other times...
i've got projects due on monday that i haven't even BEGUN to work on.
i've got a package of Easter goodies to be sent out on Sunday that i haven't hardly shopped for at all, nor do i have the money to even BUY the things i would so LOVE to give to her.
i've got to be in so many places at once. so many people to talk to and people to help and people to see and....and don't get me wrong! i love people! i love love love being there to listen. i love building relationships.
but it all takes its toll. it all becomes just SO much sometimes...
i stay up until long after midnight. mostly because i just CAN'T sleep.
i am lacking motivation.
i am....ugh!
to tell you the truth, the sad ugly hard heartbreaking truth...
i am worn out.
i keep trying to go after God.
i start out strong.
it fades.
i fall.
i pick myself back up, or i cry out to Him...however that goes down...
i come back.
i go after God.
i start out strong.
it fades.

do you see a pattern??
I...its not that its not worth it.
that's not it at ALL.
but no one told me it would be so hard!
no one warned me. i know Jesus said living for Him wouldn't be easy.
no one said that just GETTING CLOSE TO HIM would be THIS hard.
no one warned me.
and in some ways, i wouldn't have even believed them if they had.
but on the other hand...
its good because i might have said, "oh, too hard for me" and walked away.
none of that is good.
but neither is this!
neither is where i am at.
i need to be strong.
but then again, i am ALWAYS strong.
sometimes i get sick of it.
sometimes i just NEED to be weak.

love, do you know how much i long for you? i long for you to be here for me. and to be strong, so i can be weak. and it can go both ways, i promise. i will hold you up when you can't stand. but right now i need YOU to be the strong one.
heck, i just need you to BE here!

....wait a second.
i thought i DIDN'T need you. darling...i...i thought i said that only God could complete me. and doesn't that mean that with Him, i don't NEED you? I can still want you and long for you, but i thought i wasn't supposed to NEED another human being..?

or is is possible that its OK to need you?
not need you to complete me, because God has done that. and i know God could do everything for me.
but MAYBE He made it so i would need another human.
gosh i am so confused.
someone please help me.
i just don't know what's right right now.
everything that i thought was black and white decided to melt into grey...great...

Don't think you don't break my heart because you do, don't lie in bed at night and wish i loved you...because i already do.

Its after midnight. I have been up for the last 2 hours talking to a friend online. She went to bed, but i am still wide awake. I wish it would rain right now. I would open my shade and stare at the raindrops and let the sound lull me to sleep.
Unfortunately, i see no water falling from the sky.
So i'm not sure what to do now...
Gosh i miss you!! Ugh, this is so frustrating. And i want to lie here and dream of you. But i know i can't. Because if i do i know i will wake up from the dream and be so disappointed with reality.


i am sick of typing, and staring at this screen so im gonna sign off now.
i wish i could see you.
that's all i have to say.
i'm gonna try and get some sleep now, though im not holding my breath...<3

Monday, April 18, 2011

"I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow..."

"I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow…"

My life kind of feels ruled by that statement.
I am forever learning to let people go. It feels like as soon as i get close to someone…they leave.
It doesn't just feel like that.
That's what always happens.
And maybe people i'm not close to leave too…but i just don't notice. 
All i know is that it seems like everyone i get close to has to leave. It's almost as if they have to leave because they met me.
Which may sounds stupid but at the same time…makes sense, doesn't it?
I mean, they come into my life, get close to me, and move on.
Now, if this was an occasional occurrence, i could write it off. 
But its not! It's repetitive.
But proving this to you is not my point. Because whatever the *reason* people leave and that's the fact of it.

…But i am so SICK of having to let people go.
You keep popping back into my mind as of late. For a while, when i was trying to get my life back on track and focus on God and everything, you kind of took a backseat. And even now i am trying to make sure you don't crowd Him out, but you are creeping back in.
Hahaha! I just came across our song! I'm letting it play out now :)
"We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends, or we could jump in…" <3
But i don't need you to complete me anymore. I used to need you for that. But since giving Jesus His rightful place in my life, He has truly completed me! Which i am so thankful for!
But i still want you.
That…hasn't changed. 
I wish i could see you because it is so hard to know who i really feel when there's so many miles between us.
"I'm so glad that you took my heart, even if we're miles apart, you're the only one that i would ever give it to…" <3
"Don't forget that i'm the one back home, saying i love you through the telephone, please don't let this distance change you, i need you cuz you're all i know…" <3
Well, actually, YOU'RE the "one back home".
And you and i don't TALK. EVER. Telephone or otherwise.
And you've NEVER told me you love me. If you did it would be so much easier for me to justify these feelings i have for you. But you don't. So, clearly, i'm on my own here as far as figuring this out.
And i don't need you… But i would like to see you :) That much i have got figured out.
As far as the distance changing you….i can't even get into that because to do so would be to know exactly how you are now, and i don't. I can't because i'm not with you. So if you changed it would be hard for me to tell.
Although in the ways it counts, in the ways i know you and can recall even to this day…
No, please don't change.
I am sitting here and smiling to myself listening to this song and thinking about you. I can recall so many memories and times we've shared…OUR place, OUR song, OUR memories, OUR laughs…OURS. In my heart, there is no other way. In my mind, there's so many questions and how's and when's and what ifs'.
Which, of course, is precisely why i never USE my head ;-)
Because, in my heart, there's just us. You. And me. <3 And that's just the fact of it :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011


I've been having kind of an off day. Or maybe an off week. I have been feeling sad, but for no apparent reason (typical girl, right? :) haha) but i finally picked up my Bible today. go figure, i immediately felt better. i think i identified the problem tonight, and then when i picked up my Bible, a verse just JUMPED out at me. literally! hahaha it was awesome!! :)
I was worried about being forgiven. I know that God has forgiven me, but i was worried about having to share my past with someone someday. Its not a long list or anything, but my past is still my past and i know someday i will have to be upfront about it with my husband should i get married. Anyways, i was thinking and worried that he wouldn't forgive me or let me move past my past.
This was the verse:
"Unfailing love and faithfulness cover sin..."
Proverbs 16:6a
WHOA!! hahaha i was blown away.
There is nothing His love can't cover!! And it makes me feel like love will keep us together and sin cannot separate us! =D both me and God, and me and my special guy someday! I don't know if that is right, but its how it stuck out to me!! <3 <3 <3 God is so good!! I am loving what He is doing. and to think, all He was waiting for was me to open up and break down my walls!!
Walls i never should've built in the first place!! I am so sorry!! And so thankful that You've forgiven me! And used everything for good!! <3

Monday, April 11, 2011

I never want to let this go, never want to forget it now that i know.

i know that i come home from these things and let the bliss and power of the weekend fade. i let the bubble i've been living in pop. and maybe these aren't even things that i actually DO, but rather, things that just happen.
bubbles pop. reality seems to have that effect on them.
and power does fade. 
but its's how i choose to react that makes a world of difference.
i am scared, because i have been in this boat SO many times. and when it comes time to make a decision, 
to hide and stay safe in the boat, 
to climb out of the boat, onto the water, leaving my comfort zone, to go to Jesus, 
i tend to choose to stay safe. or i get out there and my faith wavers and…
i drown.
may i just say that drowning is not fun? 
but i want this to be different. i don't want to be insane anymore, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results than the time before.
so how do i hold onto these feelings? how do i remain so captivated and in love?

you know, when one of the girls in my small group told me that i looked like i had everything all together, it hit me hard. which is weird because you'd think that something like that could almost be a compliment.
but i want….
i want to be relatable. i don't want to put on this air of being perfect. because i am anything but. and yet, at the same time, i just don't know how to knock down all my walls yet.
its not that her words hurt me, because i know how she meant them.
but they brought up something i hadn't realized about myself.

*i am not relatable.*

maybe a better way to say it would be that i don't want to be all 'holier than thou'. that kills me inside to think that i act like that.
and it scares me! because i REALLY don't want to be that girl.

there is someone who inspires me. a handful of people actually.
my mama is one of them. she is so amazing and i love her. she shows me how to be a Godly woman. she is living out a happily ever that she has had to work at and still does. 
but that paints a realistic picture for me.
she shines so bright and i don't even think she knows it. she is my role model in every way. she shows me how to be a mom and a submissive wife. she is absolutely radiant. a true princess. she shows me how to love, and how to be loved. she shows me that its okay to feel things, and to make mistakes. and then she shows me where to go from there. everything circles back to God with her. our family didn't used to be this way, but since putting God back at the center, everything has changed radically and dramatically. i want to be like my mommy in every way. she is beautiful and loved. she knows how to give love and compassion and forgiveness. she loves Jesus and is a shining example of His Light. <3

and Sara is the other one. Sara was my small group leader this weekend. this gorgeous, funny, amazing woman who is only about 5 years older than me. she encouraged me in ways that i have only DREAMED about. she was real with me. she admitted areas that she struggled in. she admitted her weaknesses and was upfront about…her life! i needed that. i cannot be honest with someone who isn't honest with me. i have a hard enough time being open and vulnerable with someone, but even more so when they aren't open and honest back with me.  she made me feel like i could just be…myself. failures and all. 
i am so thankful for her. for her story and her willingness to share. for her gentleness with us and our feelings. for never pushing us, but rather, encouraging us. and she is the perfect picture and example of what i truly desire to be someday, a mentor…much like she was for us this weekend. <3
I am so thankful to both of them for being my role models :) I am so thankful to have good Godly Christian women in my life to model after and to talk to! <3

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Love questions. AKA, me trying my hand at advice giving, while still trying to remain relatable :)

I just found these questions in my journal, from sometime last summer. They are unanswered questions. Things i needed answers to but didn't possess said answers.
I'm gonna try to answer them now!

<3 What is Love?

Love is an action. Love is something you choose to do. It's the way you treat someone. It's the way you talk and act. Those things show love, or lack of, depending on how they are carried out. 
Love can be expressed with feelings, which makes it commonly end up being thought of as an emotion. But if you base your love for someone on emotions and feelings alone, and not conscious choices, you will end up getting hurt. 
I know. I've done this. Thought i was "in love" all because i felt something for a boy.
But i was completely missing the point of love!!
Because while feelings are important, the choice to love makes it real love.

<3 Is it wrong to want a boyfriend when you aren't ready to get married?

I don't think there is a problem with WANTING a boyfriend. I happen to believe that it is a perfectly natural desire. The real question is what do you want a boyfriend for, if you're not ready to consider marriage or get ready for marriage (i.e. courting)? If you want a guy to fill some deep desire in you or to fill a void that is where you find the problem. 
Because a guy cannot be everything you need. And yet sometimes we forget, or we ignore, or we simply never knew, that the real truth is that only God can fill you.
I used to read things like this when i was younger, and i still come across statements like this sometimes. But i hated reading these things back then. Because it was like, get your life right with God, let Him fill your void, make Him the center…and then maybe its okay to have a boyfriend.
But when you really let God do all that, what do you need a boyfriend for at 13? or 14? or even 17, if you're not serious about wanting to get married then?
Anything else is going to get you in trouble. Anything other than allowing God to fill you. When you try to take matters into your own hands, in the end the only thing you'll have in your hands are the pieces of your heart that some guy took and shattered.
And no one wants that. But i'll be honest. This was really hard for me to accept for a long time. Having a boyfriend was just something you did. It wasn't something i felt should be questioned or have to be justified. It was something everyone did and i was sick of being apart from everyone.
But now i get it. I was saved a lot of heartbreak, as well as a lot of chances for messups.
And i am thankful for that everyday, though i didn't realize it then.
Wanting a boyfriend isn't wrong. It's when you want one for the wrong reasons that the problem lies.

<3 How far is really too far?

I have heard this question for forever. I have even asked it myself (though for no reason other than that i wanted to know for curiosity's sake, since i've never had a boyfriend!). 
And i have also heard this answer for forever:
That the question of, 'how far is too far?' is really asking, 'how far can i push it before it's technically a sin?'. 
And that is so wrong! To push things as far as you can before you consider yourself sinning.
Nevertheless, whenever i received this answer, i was irritated, because i wanted some clearly lined out rules!
I'm not an expert. I'm barely even experienced! But what i would say is this:

*Set your standards:
AND STICK TO THEM!!! Do not change them for anyone. If the guy you're dating has different standards than yours, do not compromise yours!! Don't change yours and push yours so they match his. And if his standards are more conservative than yours, don't push him to change his. The Bible says cursed is the one who causes one to sin.
Don't cause someone to stumble, and don't allow anyone to cause you too either.

* Put God first:
I would recommend that until you have a strong faith in God, that you don't even get into relationships like this at all. Which of course isn't fun to hear at all, i know! I was (and still am!) in the same boat! :) I KNOW how hard it is! 
But if you don't put God first, and you fall into your boyfriend, expecting him to be God for you….you are going to hurt yourself, possibly him, definitely God, and most likely end up sinning. 

* Have a list of standards and rules already outlined:
And spend time in prayer asking God to help you stick to them.
Don't let yourself waver from these. This kind of goes with the first "rule". But i wanted to reiterate it, as well as say that to have them written down can be a HUGE help!
don't make up some crazy list of what you think a guy should be and expect someone that you pick to somehow conform to your standard. That is not what i am saying. I am saying that you should have standards as far as purity, but as far as a list of standards for what a guy should BE, i advise you not to take it too far. Definitely be praying over all lists you make, and maybe involve someone else to make sure you are not getting too carried away.

* Have accountability:
Don't get into a relationship and not have some form of accountability. This is just never a good idea, because then you think you can do what you want and "Who's ever gonna know?". 
NOT a good idea. Find a Christian woman whom you respect and trust and ask her to keep you accountable.

*Don't get caught up:
Falling in love and being a relationship might feel like your whole world. But remember that it's not. And much like anything else, you have to have discipline. And this includes spending all your time with one guy and making him your whole world. Go to church. Meet your girlfriends for coffee. Hang out with your family.
Loving one person is great. Just make sure you don't have all your time and worth invested in them. This will especially lead to problems if the relationship should end. Do not invest anything in them that you cannot get back.

--Now looking at these *rough* guidelines, can you answer the question "how far is too far?"? If not, ask someone to help you. I wish i could say exactly what's wrong and what's right, but there is no black and white.

<3 Is love something you can feel?:

I would say absolutely. Love is not ONLY a feeling, but i do believe that feelings come into play. :)

<3 What do guys like in a girl?:

This is FAR too widespread a question for me to have an answer for. Much like us girls, guys vary in what they like. We cannot expect them to all be the same! If you're interested in someone, first make a list of your qualities and everything you are and that makes you you. THEN find out what he likes. Compare that to what you are. If it's not a fit, DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF for him. Find someone that DOES like you for everything you are.
And just because what he describes is what you are doesn't mean you are necessarily "meant to be". Use judgement and discernment as always :)

<3 How do you be mysterious?:

I am really beginning to wonder how much this really matters? But i will poke a shot at it anyways. I think you should be mysterious by not throwing everything you are at him right away, but by giving him little pieces at a time.  This could potentially save you some hurt if this relationship should end.
But beyond keeping yourself somewhat reserved, i'm not sure how much more mysterious you ought to be and how to achieve said mysteriousness.

<3 I'm not a girly-girl. I'm sarcastic and independent. Do guys like that?:

Yes. I believe there are some that do. Just remember not to change yourself for a guy. There is one out there that loves you "as is". :)

<3 Do i really have to change…do i even WANT to change….for a guy?:

(I am going to answer this question personally and not like advice.) 
No. I do NOT have to change and i don't intend to. If God shows me i should change, i will. But i will not change myself for some guy that may or may not even stick around.
And the truth?
If he makes me change...

I don't WANT him to stick around.

<3 How can i fill this void in me? Even with God and a guy i'm not sure i'll ever feel fulfilled.

I wrote this question before i even took the time to pursue God. And let me tell you, when i wrote that question, i was WRONG! With God, i am so fulfilled. More than i could have ever dreamed. A guy doesn't need to fulfill me or complete me anymore. I'm not looking for one to. I'm looking for one to walk alongside me. To support and and help me along. To keep me focused on God and to be there for me. But not to complete me and not to fulfill me.
God has already taken care of that! :)

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


i think its about time i express my gratitude to my God. He is doing so many amazing things in my life right now...they are little things, but amazing to me. Just the way He continuously draws me nearer to Him...i don't have time to go into all of this now, because school awaits, but i will leave you with this snippet...much like the little piece of hope i hold in my heart. And i am anxious to see what he does next! 

Saturday, April 2, 2011

allow me a moment to wallow, for i have nowhere else to go with these feelings.

once again, its been a weekend about everyone but me. big surprise. and i know better than to wallow in self pity, but really, what else am i supposed to do with these feelings? because i cannot share how i really feel here. i wear the uniform smile. but the problem is, its coming undone. the threads are pulling and its definitely wearing thin. i hate to rain on the parade. i hate to not be able to smile but its because i always DO…that people expect so much. i look like i can handle it, so they just pile it on. although sometimes i feel that no matter how i looked, people would do what they needed to suit their needs anyways.
some people anyways.
so what do i do? as i type this i can feel a whisper in my soul. give my cares to Him. i know.
but pressures..stress…and i am ready to explode. could He really just take all that from me? 
i decided to seek comfort from the Psalms, as i could feel a nudge in me to do so. and comfort i did find. but im still not sure of what to do or where to go. i shouldn't say that, actually. i know WHAT to do. i simply do not understand the details and the specifics.

Tendencies and Personality...

i am a very "all or nothing" type of person. i've come to terms with that as it keeps making it's appearance in various parts of my life. and while i'm not exactly certain it's a very healthy habit, it's one of my traits. for better or worse, it's a part of me. and i'm sure that God can use it for something good, or else i wouldn't have it, but i also know the enemy enjoys using it against me. and its very hard to battle against yourself and your natural tendencies. especially something that isn't entirely bad, but rather, is being misused. and i happen to think satan knows that, which is why he constantly takes advantage of that.
but what i am really wondering is if this is something i need to change about myself, or something i simply need to reign in? where is it that God wants me to use this? where could this tendency possibly be useful?
i know this might seem like a minor issue to most people. but i find myself questioning everything lately. and as i am on this journey to become more Jesus--like, i find myself looking inside, and trying to rid myself of evil tendencies and bad habits.
which, of course, is a LOT harder than you'd think.
some were easy to spot. not necessarily easy to remove, but at least they were easy to find and call out.
but some are harder. like this. i know my "all or nothing" personality can be used against me and used for evil, but in some ways its useful too. like when i work at something, i like to see it through. if i am gonna start something, i need to finish it. i need to give 150% or not give anything at all. which is also sometimes bad. like where i am right now, i feel like i only HAVE 100% and i am constantly giving 150%. not that i am perfect or always giving or anything AT ALL like that. but there is a need right now that i have been summoned to fill, and it requires more effort than i have some days.
so what is good? what is okay and what is harmful?
i need to know but at the same time i am hesitant.
because once i know i have to do something about it.
and i really don't want to change my personality because i have embraced the way i am and i like myself.
what is right? i will change what i need to.
i guess maybe the first thing to change is my unwillingness to WANT to change. to be where He shows me i need work. 

Your life is your story. Make it a good one.

hahaha so i am famous for starting a story and then never finishing it. maybe that's why i like writing songs, because i can get my feelings out and express myself, but it's short enough that i will actually finish it before i get bored and move on =D haha i'm not sure exactly what my issue is, but i do know i have one! i've been working on a story since September, and i have 9 pretty solid chapters in place...which i realize is not all that impressive considering the amount of time its taken me to put that in place!! =D hahaha but since i've realized from past novel writing attempts, i tend to allow the story to take on a life of its own. which, in some respects i think is good, but i know i have to keep it reigned in. because otherwise, by the end, the story is all over the place, and nothing lines up. which, i guess, if you think about it, is kind of like life. you let it flow a little, but at the same time you keep it close. because if you just go through life going with the flow, at the end you may look back and see that the story took over and is all over the place. and i don't think any of us want to look back on our lives only to realize that our stories lived us, rather than we lived our stories. ♥ 

I am done running, hiding, pretending and faking. I am finally proud of who i am and i intend to embrace that. Thanks to God, for sticking with me and never giving up. I am who i am today only because of YOU. =D

i'm sitting here just rolling thoughts around in my mind. i am about to hit my 100th post (though it doesn't feel like much of a milestone because i've already hit 100. but since deleting some posts, i will be at 100 again today.)
but as i sat at the library and stared at downtown, the thought hit me.
i'm home!
i never thought that the day would come when i would look around me...and feel content with where i am.
when i moved from my hometown several years ago, i left bitter. and i decided that i would never let anywhere be home to me. everything would be a house, a city, some people...but nothing would be home. 
of course, i have since adopted another mindset entirely. because i look around me, at downtown and at my house; i see my friends; my smiling family...and suddenly i know that this is real. everything here is real.
i'm not used to that. i look back only to see...plastic. fakeness. and suddenly everything around me is real...? 
who i was isn't who i want to be. the girl that embarked on this journey 4 or 5 years ago ISN'T who i want to be. and then the girl i was during the journey...i learned a lot from her, but i also don't want to BE her. i actually, surprisingly, like who i am RIGHT. NOW.
that thought brings a smile to my face. and i almost feel like, after everything, i deserve to like myself. because i have been down the opposite road. 
but this was never meant to be about my past.
i stare down the road today, and, for the first time in a long time, i'm not looking back.
as i stand here, i don't see my past. i don't see who i was and where i went wrong. and, for a moment, i am able to close my eyes to the future. i can just focus on WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. 
and i feel proud. yeah, i know i have to think about the future. i know to be looking ahead. but for the moment im not. and that feels okay. 
my mistakes don't define me. my past doesn't define me and neither does my future. my accomplishments don't define me. no, i am done with letting meaningless things tell me who i am and what i'm worth. all my haters and enemies, you don't define me. my friends and family don't even define me.
and you know what else? neither do i.
only, ONLY God does.