Sunday, August 22, 2010

I believe in love

There's a few things I regret this summer. One is working so much that I completely missed it. The second is all those friends and family and just people i wanted to spend time with an didn't.
But the one thing I won't regret;
Is falling in love.
I am 16. Have I ever been in love? Most people would say probably not. But who cares what most people say. All I know is what I feel. And when I like someone, it feels like love to me. And yes, I know love is more than just a feeling. I know it's an action. And I also know that Hollywood has made it out to just be a feeling. An emotion. 
"This is my favorite song for you. It makes me smile and it makes me dream.
I wish you'd listen to it and think of me..."

"We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
But I don't want to 
if you don't want to
I've got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I dont regret..."

How about a life we don't regret. Cuz yea, at the time, you don't regret those nights. No on ever does. But eventually... All I'm asking for is a life with no regrets...
Ok, get real. I know. 
I feel like I need to take a chance. To let the opportunity present itself. 
To let love in. Quit shutting myself off and...

Let someone love me.
Because, ultimately, that's what I want. 
So why do I make it so that can never happen?

"You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded.."    
There is always a reason. A reason for shutting people out. I think for me it's because I'm afraid you'll shut me out. So I beat you to it... I don't wanna get hurt. I don't want you to choose me and then figure out I'm not all you thought... And leave me. And break me. I don't want you to break me, so I don't let you near me. 
Insecurity. Fear. Me. 

"I was a flight risk with a fear of falling..."
Who hasn't been afraid. To fall. In love. But I bet it will be incredible. Something we will never know if we let fear control how we live our lives. Remember, you only get one life. Why not fill it with as much love as we can?

"Wonderin' why we bother with love if it never last.."
But that's just it!! It will. When it is right. If you take care of the relationship and the other person. If you let God write your love story. 
You CAN have that fairytale.
I just wrote a song, called Fairytale Lies. But it's not what I believe! Not at all! But it's something we can believe. Kind of a trap we may fall into from time to time. 
It's about someone letting you down. And that messes you up because they were the reason you believed in love like that. They were your picture of a fairytale. And it's about how when they leave you start to believe it was all a lie. 
But I know it's not. It can't be. God has shown me real love, and ultimately, that's my real goal. 
To love like Him. And to be loved, the way He loves me  :) 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I deserve better...still. (part 2)

Ok. So you win. Happy? I give. 
I'm leaving. I'm running away... Again. But this time inreally believe I'm running for the right reasons. I've been stuck in this mindset of not running and just sucking it up and getting over it. But sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.
Sometimes someone is doing you no good. A situation is crummy and the places and people you surround youself with are no longer bringing out the best in you. 
I'm feeling this now. Many times I've said that I'm giving this up. That I'm done becuase it's hurting more than it's worth. But then something would happen which would make me rethink my decision.
And I would stay. 

But no more.
I'm leaving. Now it's not just peoples stupidity, it's personal. When someone starts attacking me, I usually fight back. But... Not this time. For some reason. Maybe because it's just not worth my breath. Maybe because YOU'RE just not worth it. You're not. It's really not that big of a deal. There is only one roadblock here for me. I am all set to leave you and all the drama and pain behind. 
But there's some people I DON'T wanna leave behind. I've made friends there. I love being around these people that make me happy.
But I just remind myself that if they are really my friends, we will see each other outside of the work setting. And that's already happened so... Whatever happens... Happens. 
And that is a chance I just have to take because I can't remain in the situation I'm in. 
I'm not gonna stay in this place because you have ruined it for me and it's not even the same for me anymore. 
And I'm not gonna stay and let you be stupid to me. I deserve so much better and no one is ever gonna know that if I just keep putting up with you. 
So, goodbye. Goodbye to stupidity and ignorance. 
Hello to happiness and life... :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

First day of the rest of our lives...

Ok, seriously, enough with the depressing posts. For now at least. There is so much in life we have to be thankful for. So much to be happy about. My summer is coming to an end. I am excited for fall and even for school but at the same time I don't want summer to leave me. I love summer and I feel like ive missed out on most of it. All of the things I used to do and used to love I didn't this year. Either because I didn't have any time or just because my interests had changed. Life. It never stops. It just keeps going. And if you aren't moving with it, it will move on without you. 
We are growing up. Becoming adults. When I think about it, and I realize I only have 2 years of high school left. I always thought I would be overjoyed once I reached this point. But the reality (and no, I don't use that word very much!) but the reality is that this fact doesn't make me as happy as I anticipated. It makes me a little sad. This part of my life is almost over. Oh, yea, I know I have a whole 2 years left. And  2 years is a lot of time but when you think about it, ive already lived 16. 2 more doesn't really seem like a lot when you look at it like that. 
But don't get me wrong. I love it. I love where I'm at and I'm excited for the next chapter of my life to write itself. I'm excited to see what God is gonna do in my life. The paths He is gonna lead my down, the doors He will open... And the ones He will close. I'm excited!
Really, I'm just trying to take more time to appreciate my life. Where I'm at. RIGHT. NOW. 
And I love it. <3 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I deserve better

Can I just say Im fed up? I'm frustrated and I'm just done. And at the same time, I know I have something good going here. And I won't give it up because you are being stupid an petty and childish. But how can I continue doing what I'm doing? How can I like what I'm doing? When you ruin it for me. That's what you're doing. I deserve better than this. Better than the way you're treating me. Better than the words you say about me. Better than your cold, hostile actions towards me. I deserve better than you. 
And I wish I could say all of these things to your face. Or at least to your facebook. But that means I'd hafta request to be your friend. Haha. As it! I will never want to be that. And i will never ask. Beg. Plead. 
Nope. I'm done. I'm not letting anyone take advatage of me.  
Haha. It's funny how tough I sound on paper, isn't it? In reality.. Well I usually AM tough. I'm strong. I don't let people get away with stupid stuff. I have yelled at people for things not nearly as bad as what youre doing. And yet... I can bring myself to yell at you. To confront you. Cuz you have something I don't. Backup. You have people on your side. Although I have no idea why, there's people that seem to like you. Fine, whatever. That's THEIR decision. And unlike you, I won't try to make that decision for anyone else. 
But you have backup. In a sense, it's like you have an army behind you. And I am just the lone soldier. Oh, I know I have friends. And I know I have people on my side. The question is, will they be brave enough to stand up? To stand up to you and stand up for me. Past experience has taught me not to count on that. It's taught me that I start a battle and I will be fighting alone. It's taught me not to count on backup. It's taught me I won't have any. 
And yes. I know so much better than this. I really do! I know that God is there. I know that He cares and is ALWAYS on my side. Always backing me up. And I love Him so much for that. So much for... Everything He does and is and stands for and... But.. *sigh. 
I need someone here. And I'm used to having no one. 
So yes. If you were ever reading this (not that I'm thinking you will) I hope you read all of it. I was gonna say I hope you just read the top half, got scared and fled the country. But no, I hope you'd read the whole thing. Cuz I want you to see me breaking. Yep, you read that right. I want you to see how much this is hurting me. I want you to know it. 
Most people I think would want to hide it. They'd wanna play tough and pretend to be strong and whole. 
But I'm not like most people. And I don't. I want you to know that your snide little comments DONT just roll off my back. With every one you break another little piece of my heart. Although, believe you me, I'd much rather keep my heart away from you. But I'm not like that. And that reminds me of something else I need to blog about. Er, rather, someONE else.  
So I'll stop here and just say, no matter what i said, what you think, I AM strong. Because of Him. You can laugh if you want. I'd honestly expect nothing more from you. Anything that's important to me has to be stupid to you. 
Alright now look who is getting mean. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I'm being mean. And I'm sorry you are too. 
So I'll leave you with, yes, you ARE breaking me. Does that make you happy?  
And yes you are hurting me. But not for long. If history repeats itself, you're in for a treat. It probably wont take me long, either. Like a bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. And you just never know. But one day I'm just gonna explode. And you are gonna hear everything I've needed to say to you. I might not even be mean. I might just be fed up and almost broken beyond repair. There may be tears involved. I don't hafta be mean. We will just hafta see. 
One thing I know for sure. I don't deserve this. And I WILL not stand for it. Whether you think i'll be fighting alone or not. Cuz the truth is, I'm never alone. He is ALWAYS there. He has proved faithful time and time again. 
Why would this time be any different? <3

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Isn't It Funny...?

Ya know. It's funny how someone can come in and just completely change
your life. And then walk out unfazed.
Like they can either make your life better or they can mess you up
It's funny how just making friends with someone can make you a lot of
enemies. Buy one friend get five enemies. Free of charge.
It's funny how you think you love someone and then they break your
heart and mess up your life...and you still say you love them. But
that one person out there that loves you and would be so good for
you... Is invisible to you. Trust me, he thinks it's funny too.
It's funny how you think if you give in you'll be with someone
forever. When the truth is, as soon as you get in that bed it's
already your last night as a couple in his mind.
It's funny how you think you're invincible.
It's funny how it takes tragedy for most of us to appreciate our lives
and the people around us.
It's funny how they say hate is such a strong word... And then throw
"love" around like it doesn't mean anything or like it doesn't have
any power. When, in actuality, it has just as much power as hate...
Just in the opposite way.
Its funny how you can walk into somewhere expecting to come out
unscathed. And by the time you leave you're limping and covered in
scars and bruises.
It's funny how you expect things to be one way and they just go
completely opposite. Just as if to prove you wrong. It's funny how
confused you can get. Being in a relationship of any kind with a
manipulator can really mess you up. You never know just what to make
of them. Its funny how one minute they're your best friend. And the
next they're screaming at you.
And it's funny how you can see all of this and it doesn't make a
difference to you. Its funny how IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING...
It's funny how you'll let someone take advantage of you, when you said
that was something you'd never do. You said no one was ever worth
allowing them to put you down... And yet look around you. See the
people you've surrounded yourself with?
It's funny how people are.
It's funny how we throw away millions of pounds of food a day, dump
out perfectly good glasses of water, when there's people out there
dying. Dying because of starvation and lack of clean water to drink.
It's amazing to me how wasteful we are. We think everything is
expendable. And with the attitude of "everything is expendable" has
come the mindset of "everyONE is expendable".
It's funny how we use people. At some point in your life, you've
probably either done it to someone or had it done to you. Someone
waltzed into your life. I'm sure you had no idea you were being used.
But you were. Or maybe you used someone else. For whatever reason, big
or small. Doesn't matter. It's this whole stupid mindset we have.
It's funny how many people think they don't need God in their lives.
I've got two things to say to you.
1: If it weren't for God... YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE!!
2: "Have you looked at your life?!" I mean, really and truly, look
around. I know from first hand experience that life without God...
Isn't life at all. There is no point in living if you're living
without God.
It's funny how a girl doesn't even think about it...until
she's pregnant. And then... Well, it's a little too late. Now if you
don't want this baby, you hafta kill it. It's alive now. And if you
suddenly decide to think about it now and realize that, at 17, you
really don't want a hafta kill it. Or you hafta go through
a teenage pregnancy and give birth and... Neither is a great option.
Obviously I don't support the first option. But I realize the second
isn't a great one either. It's funny how we never think about this
stuff until it's actually happening. You never pictured yourself
pregnant and alone... But look at where you are...
Isn't life funny?
Is it...?

~Love, Always, Forever~

Feeling Life

so i was thinking this morning about how i haven't been able to write any songs lately. it just feels like i've sorta run out ideas at the moment. its like there is nothing exciting or dramatic happening in my life right now. and this happens from time to time. i think it sorta happens to everyone. ya know, when it just feels like nothing is going on. i feel like...i dont feel anything. but then it occurred to me. maybe this is the plains. the plains of life. like, in life you encounter mountains and hill that you hafta climb over, like obstacles in your life; and then theres the valleys that you hafta walk through. the sad, hard things in life. the things that hurt you. and then, maybe, just maybe, theres the plains of life. where...nothing is happening. maybe this is our time to relax and recover.

i went to church this past weekend. i participated in church this past weekend. and i havent done that in a loong time. but the pastor was talking about how sometimes in life you just feel like giving up. it just feels like the world is caving in on you and sometimes it just gets too heavy for us and we just wanna say "forget it" and drop it and let it fall on you. and that really hit home with me. oh, i wasnt feeling like taking my life or anything drastic. im not depressed and i really love life. but i was feeling disconnected. i was feeling...
see it was like there was so much stuff i HAD to do everyday that i just couldnt get it all done and still have time to think and feel
but this stuff had to be done so... i was getting it done. i was doing my chores, helping around the house, going to work (which was the big thing)...i knew something had to change. i knew i had to stop. not stop anything in particular...but just STOP. stop life. many times throughout the past couple weeks i actually found myself wishing life has a "pause" button. just stop. that was what i needed. but i didnt know how to get there. i could feel God, hear God saying "make time for Me". but i just didnt know how.

and then i went to church. and it was almost like a work of God, for all i know it coulda been. because the pastor gave us 5 steps. what to do when we felt like we had had enough when we needed things to change.
you should have seen me. i had my notebook out so fast and i was scribbling notes all throughout service. at some point i think i even stopped listening to the pastor explain it and i just started letting God speak to me and tell me how to apply this to my own life.
but heres the thing. i am not perfect. (like you didnt know that right?) because even with this new found not making that big of an effort.
i feel like i need a church. i need a youth group. i need Christian friends to see on a regular basis. i need a youth group. i need a small group....
i need motivation. i know what i need to do...and i need to JUST DO IT!!! like the Nike slogan. JUST DO IT!
if any one reading this would maybe offer up a prayer for me, id be super grateful. see, thats the one thing ive got down. ive been praying, like for real. talking to God. but....i need to crack open my Bible. maybe i'll do that when im done. like, seriously, 5 minutes of my day!! and i just...dont do it.
ok. im not sure entirely where i am going with this anymore. so enough rambling and i will sign off..