Wednesday, August 31, 2011

All the pieces of this broken heart

All the pieces of this broken heart

All the pieces of this broken heart by alwaysthegirlnextdoor on

wow. what can i say? ive only been broken by like...everyone ive ever come in contact with. not to mention all those i cared about, loved or trusted.
but the saddest thing is, i didn't just care about, love and trust these people...
i truly believed they cared about me. i truly believed they loved me and i TRULY believed....they were worthy of my trust. and that they had something invested in me. something....
that would make them stick around.
and i believed all of this even though its NEVER come about.
its just fact. reality. truth.
no. one. ever. sticks. around.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Post 200! 
Didn't plan it this way, but im glad this is how it turned out.
cuz its a post for the person that deserves it the most...
and its a happy post. :)

All i have to say, is that sometimes just seeing a person can turn.everything.around.
Literally, i feel so much better, like you don't even know!! <3 <3 <3
lol, i love Skype!!
wow. what can i say? something that has haunted me for YEARS....
but now thats over. its dealt with. or its being dealt with.
its no longer the thing i hate most about myself.

now what i hate is yet another flaw.
my inability to trust.
honestly, if i could choose ONE thing to change about me, that would be it.
and here is what i have learned.
the process itself teaches you a lesson.
and i KNOW that the process of learning to trust is what is going to teach me to trust again. i know its not something i can just wake up and do, its gonna be a process.
but heres the thing...
i don't know if i have time to go through a process!
what if....what if you don't wanna stick around through all this?
ill be honest, i wouldn't blame you.
id hate it but c'mon really? what reason am i giving you to stay!?
none. you trust me completely and i physically CANT do that yet...
im just....not in that place...
im sorry. believe you me id give anything to just be there.
and i know that IF we come out of this, we will be stronger.
its just the "IF" part that gets me.
but see?? thats half my problem! im alwayssss playing 'what if?'
i want to just let go and enjoy what we have now.
i imagine im wearing you VERY thin with my constant need for reassurance of where we stand and all....
but you need to understand something.
my heart....has scars engraved so deeply in that they will NEVER heal. they just wont.
my heart is so damaged and bruised...
ive given myself away emotionally FAR more than i wish i had.
and yeah, i look at you and i go, "one more time". as in, ill give this one more shot.
ill trust one.last.time.
but i look at my heart...broken...shattered...scarred.
and i
i just cant put one more scar on it.
i KNOW its stupid. cuz, 'whats one more?'
but if you could see the emotional state im in, you'd understand.
you are confident. your heart....
and maybe it DOES look like mine.
but i just cant imagine that anyone's heart is AS mine.
at least, anyone without reason. there are people who have lost far more than me. at least THEY have a reason for their heart to be in the shape its in.
although, i guess i do too.
its just that my reason is my desperation for love and my stupidity in giving my heart and trust and EVERYTHING to...anyone.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

2 and counting

"i have someone else who i love very much
but no matter what
im always gonna look back and see
the one that thought they were too good for me"

this is far too true to be comfortable. it fits me like those size one jeans i tried on the other day. it leaves no margin for doubt.
i have someone that ACTUALLY loves me, someone that ACTUALLY cares..
someone who knows me on a level you never could have. who understands me like you don't even know. 
someone who knows all of this...
and has.stuck.around. <3
i should be longgggg over you. it feels stupid to even still care but i do.
i DO still look through your facebook pictures...
i do still listen to songs that i listened to when we were fighting.
and i do still cry.
im sorry, but i do.
i guess....i just don't get over people that easily.
:'/ i really cared about you.
why....why doesn't that matter to you?
you will NEVER know what you've done to my heart.
yeah, theres A.LOT. of scars.
but you've also made me build so.dang.many.walls. around it, that a lot of my relationships or could be relationships don't even stand a chance.
what can i say? once you've been hurt by someone close to you, your heart just learns.

now? #ICantGetCloseToAnyone...

which makes me think of the whole twitter thing...greatt.
seriously, if ONE relationship could just work out...
but i don't think it can. ive literally reached where the point where i feel like its impossible for relationships to work out. cuz this is 2 and counting.
so yup. you unfollow me on twitter, i unfollow you back. i unfriend you on facebook...
id loooove to delete your number and saved texts from my phone but i don't know if im THAT strong yet. 
but then again, my blood boils every.time i read those texts cuz i know now that they were all smooth lies.
you got what you wanted. i listened to your problems, i was never more than a text away, i let you into parts of my life and my heart and my past that i wish beyond belief that i hadn't.
i knew from the start the relationship was unlikely.
people like you and people like me DONT.MIX.
why did i ever fool myself into believing you were genuine?
oh, thats right....
cuz i wanted so desperately for that to be the truth.
my poor heart is so battle-scarred it is literally crying out for me to
it wants more walls.
it is SO sick of getting hurt.
i am so mad at you 2 right now. because of you, i cant trust the one person i need to.
relationship number 3 and im already too broken to fully love.
um... :/
but the thing is, more than either of you EVER proved this to me, more than both of you combined EVER lied and fooled me to believe....
not just cuz i want to believe it.
but because they have proved it over and over and over. literally.
my past has pushed me to being explicitly clear with this new one. because the idea of getting hurt again absolutely kills me.
like, i don't think my heart could handle it.
and this person has proved again and again that they are sincere.

i HATE how you two have ruined this for me.
now im gonna have to try to love....
inspite of my broken heart.... < / / 3
look at that, 2 scars for the 2 that made them....

Friday, August 26, 2011

just did something ive needed to do for a while.
you unfollowed me on twitter,
so i....(*drumroll please)
yup. yup.
n now im rewarding myself with a bowl of chocolate ice cream with marshmallow topping and sprinkles <3

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Fear has held me back whole life. honestly, i am just now starting to figure out how to break free from its strong hold that its had on me.

this is actually a good one. well, the breaking free part anyways!! but honestly, my life has been basically a captive of fear, i did what it told me to do, i stayed away from the things it told me to stay away from. 
FEAR controlled ME.
im learning, but its HARD.

i have never worked for anything in my life. I mean, REALLY worked.

hmmm...this occurred to me at work (lol of all places) today.
but like, if something is too hard, I.JUST.BACK.DOWN.
seriously i have been soooo lazy it is ridiculous. and now, EXACTLY 8 months and one day and i will be a dang adult!
i need to prove something, not only to everyone else, but to myself. i need to WORK for something.
its like, in some twisted way, i expected life to just hand me what i want? no, i know i have to work for it. ive just been too lazy or too scared to get up and get out there and....DO SOMETHING!

i run this course over and over and i can never seem to get out. its like, i know im going in circles. i just don't see an exit...
or i choose not to take it. 
im not angry anymore. just hurt. really... disappointed in myself.  because it wasnt supposed to be like this. and is. 

familiar, no matter how bad, is better than unknown. something, whether or not its a lie, is better than nothing.

why yes, i DO think like this. sometimes. subconsciously. but i do.
or maybe i dont even think it. i just live it.
seriously, i just dont know how to leave these bad things behind me. 
how to move on, and hope for the future...
i dont know how. i wish i did, cuz id do it in.a.second.
but i dont. i WISH i could do it in a second. cuz this is turning out to be such a long and painful process...

everything is broken, nothing will ever be fixed.

gosh. you know those kind of nights when it feels like youre never gonna heal. 
lets just say, i have these nights a lot.

i ruin everything good that comes my way.

speaks for itself. honestly, you can think im being dramatic...
but its true.

don't hope for things. you'll just wind up hurt.

seriously. if you hope for things you.are.gonna.get.hurt.
i dont know many people that share this view this me. they still think its better to hope.
they are probably right.
but they havent seen my heart.
honestly, it can afford another scar.
theres like, physically not enough room to even put another one on there.
although, im sure life will prove me wrong about that statement too.

dont trust. people, situations or yourself. you just wind up with scars on your heart.

um. sorry. but life has ALSO proven this one to be true for me.
i HATE it. if i could pick one to change, it would be this one.
im trying. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
i so don't want to keep running in circles.
i H.A.T.E. saying i believe, saying i trust, actually DOING it, and then doing a complete 180
seriously, im really mad right now.
mad at MYSELF.
no one else. i HATE myself for not being able to trust.
which is not helpful. because i am just one more person tearing at myself. when that is exactly the issue.
sometimes i wonder if i don't abuse my own heart as much as other people do.
because i can be really mean to myself. like now. but heres the thing.
and i keep losing people close to me.
oh great, now i sound like someone i never wanted to sound like.
grr...i hate myself for hating you.
i hate....that i hate myself. i guess i don't really, i just hate the way im acting.
dude, relax. she just told you she's crabby and tired. chill ok? ugh.
i wanna cry. not because of you, but because i seriously cant let myself trust! i hate that. more than ive hated something in a long time.
i hate how deceptive ive become. or maybe ive always been like this but im just noticing cuz we have this whole, honesty policy that i seem to be breaking more than keeping.
seriously, i might not hate MYSELF at this moment, but i sure as heck hate the way im acting.
but i don't even know how to be any different.
except to TRUST AND LET GO.
i WISH with EVERYTHING in me that i could just say those words n BAM! i could do it.
but this is a long, slow, excruciating process.
God, P.L.E.A.S.E dont let her become another casualty of my learning a lesson. PLEASE!!! :'/
Fear has held me back whole life. honestly, i am just now starting to figure out how to break free from its strong hold that its had on me.

Ive never worked for anything in my life. And i mean, REALLY worked.

i run this course over and over and i can never seem to get out. its like, i know im going in circles. i just don't see an exit...
or i choose not to take it.

familiar, no matter how bad, is better than unknown. something, whether or not its a lie, is better than nothing.

everything is broken, nothing will ever be fixed.

i ruin everything good that comes my way.

i dont deserve the best. i don't even deserve you.

don't hope for things. you'll just wind up hurt.

dont trust. people, situations or yourself. you just wind up with scars on your heart.


these are like, things i live by. scary right?
yeah, i thought so too!!
i don't try to, but these have been the thoughts swarming in my head and the sad truth?
is that they are...kinda true.
well, some of them.
lets explore these thoughts shall we?
i suppose this is what i get for assuming things.
life just looooves to prove me wrong.
i swear, it gets a kick out of it or something.
basically, i should just stop thinking i know whats going on.

dude, remember when i said we had one more chance before our relationship went under again and would never resurface?
well i didn't exactly wait for it to resurface the first time before i chose to say that.
as it stands, im still waiting for it to show its face.
but in some weird way, ive moved on. its like, yeah things were left unfinished. and im the type that DEFINITELY needs things laid out. i need definition of where i stand with people and what i mean to them...
so for me to sit here and say, things were left undefined, but im ok, sure sounds like a lie.
but the weirdest thing is that, ITS ALL TRUTH!
i know, im shocked too!!
but its like....i didn't need you before. and for a while there i really thought i had, i don't know, grown to need you or something. but then you left. my world fell apart for roughly 72 hours and then?
i realized what i knew all along.
that i didn't need you before,
and i don't need you now.
im everything i ever was and more,
because of you im stronger.

um...well that didn't turn out like id hoped. but i...understand. ugh i don't want to do this. i don't want the drama. at first i was proud of myself for saying what i needed to say. i felt like our relationship was over but um, evidently you don't feel the same way.
and now you want my reasons?! i never intended to give them to you!
i have them. thats not the problem.
they just aren't ones i wanna share with you.
you're too fragile. i don't wanna push you over the edge. and i don't want all this drama!! please, why do we have to go through this?!
dude, i ....ugh. i need to talk to my best friend. and yet, i have to wait a whole stinkin 3+ hours!! i need advice! lol ugh mostly, i was just reallyyyyy hoping for the easy way out.
well not completely, cuz i said what i needed to. there was nothing that could have forced me to talk to you. i felt it was only fair to explain. and i apologized for having ignored you and yet you have the nerve to say i shouldn't have done that?! um, hello, i know that. hence the apology!
but i was hoping i could say this and you'd just move on.
but i KNEW you would play the victim. i KNEW you wouldn't accept this. i KNEW you wouldn't just leave it as is.
honestly, i probably couldn't have just left it as is if i was in your place either.
but i was HOPING you would....

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

9 days ago something ended. with someone i really cared a lot about. a friend i really trusted. we fought, over texts, and we haven't.spoken.since. :/ but i can see what God did even there. it was hard and i cried so much but...
im ok now. because once i was out, i could see how much that relationship was unhealthy. we were not going good places. it started out good and then something changed. i guess i was holding on with blind hope that someday things would go back to the way they were.
and then reality shattered that lie that i was holding onto.
i dont regret it though. how could i? a bad relationship was ended. it hurt like crazyyy...and now im ok. cuz i see how things were headed in the completely opposite direction that i wanted. im glad that, since it was obviously gonna end, that it ended now instead of later when id gotten more attached.
i DO regret some choices i made, like choosing to share things with her....
but oh well. its too late now.
i can accept it and move on and try to learn from it. <3

Monday, August 22, 2011

i did it. i took a risk.
and im terrified beyond belief. like, you don't even know.
im glad i did it....
unless of course you react how im hoping you wont.
thennnn i think ill regret it.
then i know ill regret it.
im sorry....i just...needed you to know.
please God...Your Will be done....just please....
and to make matters worse, you cant even respond right now so i am left to imagine the outcome for the next 2 hours or so.
gosh, im glad i never ate lunch. cuz i think if i did, id probably be throwing up right now.
yeah. im THAT freaked...
ahhh summer.has.just.been.crazy.
honestly, i don't know if i have ever had as crazy a summer as this one!!
and the sad part is, i didn't even DO much!!
but it was a very emotional summer. a very emotional year actually.
but this summer especially has been...a roller coaster.
and then theres a bunch of drama i had to deal with....grr...
i hate drama.
it nearly tore me apart. honestly my poor heart is so shredded right now.
but God has blessed me with someone who is helping me keep it all together. someone who is helping me to repair all the damage ive caused and allowed to be caused to my heart.
its hard. it really is!! and i love my best friend so much. im scared to lose her. im scared to be as vulnerable as im being with her.
in case no one has guess, judging from my last few posts ;) lol
but i
ive trusted so many more people...whats one more?
and the thing is, ive trusted people i should NOT have trusted.
but she has proven, time and time again, that she is worthy of my trust.
im gonna kill our relationship if i don't learn to just trust her. because our relationship is BASED on trust.
and if i cant learn to let myself do that....
im so scared. i keep giving this to God, but i also feel like i keep taking it back...
i have serioussss issues!! ://
but im learning.
i just...don't want you to be another casualty of my learning a lesson.
(*deep breath) we WILL get through this. im so scared. im holding on and letting go at the same time. holding onto us and my faith and letting go of my issues and fears and control.
im giving it to God. again. i pray i wont take it back this time.
but thats not even it. its like....i just lost someone. i think that really scared me.
and im in the process of losing someone else.
except that, in this case, im the one who looks like the bad guy. im the one letting go. i could probably make things work, yes.
i just don't want to anymore. i feel like its been too much, it will never be the same and..
i just give up.
im sorry. but i do. and MAYBE, if we could be fighting for the same thing, it would be worth a shot. but we couldn't be. we wouldn't be.
so we wont be.
but that aside, yes, i just lost someone...someone i got too close with too fast. i let them inside to who i really was and i shared things with them i now regret sharing.
basically, camp was one big regret. but ill get to that later.
let me just end by saying that i feel like everything is falling apart all around me. and people keep telling me things will work out....
and i keep watching things doing the EXACT.opposite.
omg.  i just realized something. THIS i think imma tell her.
i typed up this longggg thing about how i was feeling but i knew somewhere inside me that i didn't want to send it to my best friend. however, i do think she ought to know this....
ahhh, im like shaking im so scared!!
but i need to do this.
im gonna do this.
thank God for my supportive best friend. cuz i don't think i could be doing this without her. <3

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Just found this...its part of a story i was working on. well, it applies to my situation right now.
i feel like i need to take my own advice here...

"somehow, the truth didn't hurt nearly as bad as the lies had.
somehow, his coming clean with me, made it almost seem like…
like maybe i could trust him again.
and i know full well that i have trusted people i shouldn't have. lots of them. countless numbers of guys have scarred, trampled and crushed my heart. all because i was careless and trusted them.
but i decided jake was worth that risk. after all, i had given far more for far less."

it IS worth the risk. WE are worth the risk. because, as it says, i truly have given more for less. what, at this point, do i have to lose? oh
but if imma lose you its gonna happen whether im honest or close guarded. and i want to not have any regrets. well, if i lose you because i told you, ill regret having told you. but if i keep something from you...its burning me. it really is. cuz we said no secrets. cuz you're SO honest with me.
i have to tell you.
i...i have to.
no...but i think i want to. i think...i want you to know. <3 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

its gonna be okay

it just might get worse before it gets better.
and it just might take some time.
but we are gonna get through this.
not because we have to.
but because we WANT to.
we are both fighting for the exact same thing.
ive never been in a relationship that wasn't tug of war before.
God is good <3

August Seventeenth, 2011. 
11:30 pm

im sorry. cuz you deserve more. and id give it to you in a second...
if i could. but i cant. not anymore.
because ive trusted too many people.
and ive been hurt by every one of them.
and so i have less to give you.
i mean, i cant put myself out there as much. its not that i don't trust YOU...
its more like i don't trust the situation.
im sorry. i truly am.
its just that life has taught me that trusting leads to heartache.
so if i cant handle anymore heartache, id better not trust.
i KNOW this isn't right. i know its not even true.
but it is what ive been taught.
it is what a small part of me, the part thats learned from the past, believes.
i hate it. im so so sorry.
But i don't know how to fix it.
i love you, i honestly do.
maybe not with all my heart...
but certainly with all i have left of it. :/
kills me to realize how much ive given myself away emotionally to people that just abused me & my heart...
but i did. its too late to go back.
i guess the point of this is that imma be real careful with everything i got left.
but how does that fit into our relationship?!
cuz i feel like you are giving me everything & im standing here all close-guarded.
well, thats not ENTIRELY true.
because ive let you into very dark & vulnerable parts of me.
but im not careless either. not to say that you are.
but, usually, in relationships, i just let my heart go. and i know...look at how those turned out (*rolls eyes).
but see, ive entered with reckless abandon into relationships with people that DIDNT deserve my heart.
and now that ive come to the one that deserves it...i cant let go?!?!
you are honestly the BEST friend ive ever had...
im so sorry im like this...
you deserve better.
wow, there is so much emotion packed onto these pages...
i hope you can feel that.
ughhh i need to see you.
i need to be there with you.
i need to hug you.
i need you to SEE who i am...
And not. run. away.
thats HUGE.
and honestly, i think you've already proven yourself loyal.
its me that im worried about.
honestly, ive never been in this situation before. 
im usually careless with my heart &...
you wanna know the truth? i dont let myself go unchecked right now because I DONT WANNA LOSE YOU!
when people see how insecure & how intense i am, 
i DONT wanna lose you.
i just wont let myself do that.
but it feels unfair to take all of you & offer you only part of me in return.
& yet, honestly, i would do almost anything to keep you from running away.
see? this is the kind of stuff you need to not see.
because past experience has taught me that this is the kind of stuff scares people off.
:'( i WANT you to see everything...
AND i want you to love me just the same.
but you see, i always hope for the impossible.
truthfully, i wonder if youll ever read this. if you do, youll know its about you. i only have one BEST friend.
a part of me hopes you do read it.
but a part of me is scared for you to know this stuff about ,e.
which is stupid cuz you know my darkest secret.
but somehow, my intensity & insecurity is what im most afraid for you to see.
i love you. i really, truly do.
im sorry...that i dont always know how to show it better.
<3 morgan

clock just turned day...youre the first thing on my mind. 
hope thats not creepy or
sometimes i go to your facebook page and look through your pictures, just because it hurts. which sounds dumb...until you've been in that place. ughhhh now you're on fb too...great.
ahh i have too many people problems right now!!! please just....ugh.
its probably me. because i just cant seem to make ANY relationship work. well, thats not true. one is working fabulously.
i just happen to be terrified it will end because, well, every other one ive ever had has!
ok, so maybe it is.
seriously. i have the person i want to let go of, the one that kind of mutually let go of me as i let go of them...
and i have the person i will never let go of and who i hope never lets go of me.
honestly, i don't know which one scares me more.
because i hate having to hurt people, i hate leaving things unfinished...
and i hate losing people.
wonderful situations ive gotten myself into!! lol (*rolls eyes)
ughhh and i don't regret the choices ive made. well, not completely. i hate to say i regret anyone..
i know for a fact i don't regret the 3rd person. the one way id ever regret something with them would be if i did something to scare them off.
however, the first 2....
ughhh!! My.Head.Is.Spinning.
i wanna cry right now. because this is all just too much.
its been so long since i really looked at your picture. but i just did. and just seeing your face reminds me that im gonna have to hurt you. :'/ im sorry and not at the same time. because im sorry to hurt you but i need to stick up for me.
this is SO hard...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

You know when theres like, that one thing that you know you just HAVE to do?
And how about that one thing that you really DON'T WANT to do?
Just so happens . . . the 2 of them have joined ranks and decided to make one huge problem for me.
I HAVE to do this, and yet it k.i.l.l.s. me inside.
i am scared of how you'll react. im scared to even take that first step.
the only thing im not scared of is that we'll end.
honestly, the dark truth is thats what im aiming for.
i am sick and tired of our relationship.
Because, the truth, is that it really isn't much of a "relationship" at all anymore.
im just done. i already basically ended one relationship this week. might as well make it two. and the thing is, the first relationship was one i actually cared about. it was one i didn't want to see end. but it did because it had to. it wasn't a healthy relationship.
honestly, thats what ours has become.
an unhealthy "relationship".
And i cant keep putting myself through stuff like this.
So, im sorry if this hurts you. ok, im sorry WHEN this hurts you. cuz its gonna. and please believe me when i say i am truly sorry.
But i need to do what i need to do. and ill try to do it as nicely as possible, but...
im gonna do it.
I hate having to end things. Even though this is something i want ended, i hate actually having to DO it.
I hate that i have to hurt you.
im pretty sure that somewhere down the line, i promised id never do that.
but you promised things too.
things your actions have shown you never really meant.
ugh, why cant you just be a jerk? just for 10 minutes.
cuz when you're nice....
it hurts me even more. it hurts to think i have to be the one to hurt you.
goshhh...why do i always get myself in situations like this?
sometimes, i think i need to stop trusting.
but the weird thing is, ive never seen this side of the game.
im usually the one getting ignored and left.
ive never been the one to ignore and leave...
quite honestly, im really not sure which one i like better....
im really not sure...
all i know?
im sick of playing games. period.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I need to stop seeing your facebook posts. They kill me inside.
But i cant bring myself to block you.
Guess theres still a piece of my heart that refuses to listen to me.
Because its still hoping.
Something i told it to stop doing a long time ago....

There, i said it. Gosh, everything in my life is becoming this crazy, dramatic mess. Honestly, if im not careful, im gonna wind up scraping pieces off the ground, and spending my senior year reconstructing myself.
Do you really tear me apart?
I hate to think that. Because, if you do....
What does that mean? If you do, then *I* need to stand up and do something.
Well, i did. It was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.
I was so caught up in our conversation, i didn't even feel the dozens, literally, of mosquitos that evidently attacked me during this time.
But they left their marks behind. I have proof that they were here.
Well, you left a mark too. Because i cried so hard i physically cant cry anymore. It literally feels like i used all my tears that night.
But the most remarkable thing?
You didn't see a single one.
Nope. Thats what happens when you're how many miles away and we are forced to text. I didn't even TELL you. You have NO idea...
honestly, you have NO idea how broken i was. I relived our memories and i cried even harder because, inevitably, i realized that they are nowhere close to where we are now.
But you're honestly a different person. Its like, recently, things have changed!
And i hate it.
You wanna play truth is on facebook? Well, lets see...the truth is that im scared. im scared to know how you really feel.
im scared you'll say something that will mess us up once and for all.
Not to mention that now....
they're watching us.
They will judge and decide when we've gone too far.
And one false move will be fatal.
Our relationship will go under again.
And this wont resurface.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Someday ill learn to be fine by myself
someday ill stop reaching for someone else
someday ill learn to let you go
...but someday you're gonna have to know

it breaks my heart to have to say this to you
And it kills me inside but its something i have to do
someday you'll learn to not need me there...
someday'll see that i just don't care

someday ill break away this pain inside
someday maybe, it'll just subside
someday i know ill go back and relive this
someday i hope ill find peace in this decision

and it breaks my heart to have to say this to you
and it kills me inside but its something i have to do
someday you'll learn to not need me there....
someday'll see that i just don't care

you'll look up once you've hit the ground
and you'll see im nowhere to be found
the truth is i already hit...and dug my way back out...
you'll see ive already been there!!!

i thought it'd break my heart until i said it to you
it turns out its just something i had to do
someday i know you wont need me there...
someday darlin....because i wont be standing there...

---um...would it be inappropriate to just send song lyrics to someone, to tell them how i feel?---

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Because tomorrow could be one day too late...

Seriously, this summer has been PATHETIC.
I am usually so inspired, i keep pen and paper with me at all times, i constantly have a song floating through my head.
Usually my blog would be BURSTING with posts of thoughts and feelings.
And id have dozens of new songs.
My guitar would constantly be out of tune from me strumming it so much, and my voice would be raspy from singing my heart out.
But not this year.
I was supposed to make this summer, my last high school summer, count.
And so far...
Ive had SOME good times. Camp was amazing, as you know. And i had one incredible and unexpected night with an old friend. My parents' vow renewal. And finally 2 days ago at a pool in a town so ritzy i could never belong there. But it was fun just the same.
And then theres something else that happened.
I guess it sorta pertains to summer because, with being busy with school, summer is the only time we could have done this.
I got very close to a friend of mine. Closer than i ever would have expected. It was a God thing for sure.
And we you wouldn't even believe.
Im not used to having a relationship
But so far...this one is. I talk to her about anything and everything. And she is the same with me.
So a lot of personal growth has taken place this summer because of her and our relationship.
So yeah, i guess some good HAS come out of this summer.
But on the other hand, i feel like i have wasted a lot of days.
And i have.
But its too late now. Cant get back what time erased. I have memories and i have to move forward.
Its time to make this summer count.
I have roughly 3 weeks left.
Somehow, imma make up for the last 3 3 weeks.
Wish me luck <3

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I keep running because im scared to stop.

Playing "Truth Is?" on facebook. I love this game because i love the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to me.
Basically, my friend list is made up of only people i actually care about. So its not like someone is gonna like it, and ill have a hard time saying something nice.
But i love love love the chance that i get to tell people WHY they mean so much to me. What i like about them.
because i know, first hand, how easy it can be to forget these things.
I was up until 11:20 last night writing a 3 page letter, front and backs of the pages, to my friend.
A letter she will NEVER see.
It wasn't a mean one. It was a broken one.
I cant get over this.
I sit here and i feel stupid because i am just running the same course over and over again, and my friends are the ones that keep having to hear about it.
But i am hurt...and confused.
Somedays i know better and some days i know worse...if that even makes sense...
Basically, though, i gave our relationship to God last night. I don't want to hold onto it so tightly that i squeeze the life out of it.
Because, yes, i HAVE done that to things before.
But not this time. She means too much to me.
And besides, i want God in control.
Im sorry it took me this long to let go but... letting go.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

"Sometimes i don't wanna be better, everything is wrong forever, sometimes i cant be put back together, sometimes its gone forever..."

i wanna text you but i don't wanna bug you. but then again, if you are really my friend, which i know you are, you'll be there for me.
you said so today.
but i..i guess im scared.
this all circles back to my 2 main issues.
security. &. trust.
i don't feel secure enough to feel worthy of your time.
And i don't trust that you wont get scared off and run away.
these 2 things apply to and control most everything i do. or don't do.
im just gonna text you.
seriously, how hard can this be?!
....why can i never feel good enough for myself? why can i never find it in me to JUST. TRUST?!?!
Thats just it. im texting you. i don't know what im gonna do...if i don't.
God, please help me! Im reading my Bible, i prayer journaled, and i went to youth group. Ive been playing 99.9% Christian music. honestly, i hardly listen to ANYTHING ELSE anymore.
And yet...i feel SO far from You.
Just...just like at camp again.
Something that was supposed to bring me so close to You, just left me disappointed and empty.

"Ive got to live with the choices ive made, and i cant live with myself today..."

Skillet just screams my heart lately.

"I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender...."

Seriously. My heart...everything feels broken right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I cry out to God and yet...nothing changes. Im sure theres something i am missing. Because i know God cares. He is probably saying something to me and im just not hearing it.
But right now....honestly i have a couple of habits lately. 
The scary thing is, they aren't new ones. 
I recognize them alright...
They are the warning signs. The habits i had right before i slipped into depression. 

The beach is one of the most magnificent places in the world for me
You know theres something wrong with you when you go there and have to fake a smile.

Actually, i know theres something wrong with me right now. It scares me. But i realize that i got out of this once before. No treatment or personal interference required.
It was me. Me and God.
But i left with a lot of scars. Scars of the physical and emotional variety. 
It scares the HECK out of me to think that i am actually walking down this slippery slope AGAIN!
The first time was legit. But it was also for experience.
Well, this time, its all real. Because i don't WANT to go back.
...Im just afraid i might.
So yeah. The things i can align with my past...

First off, i have been blasting music. I mean BLASTING. I have skillet playing so loud you can LITERALLY hear it outside of my headphones.
But heres 2 things that differ from my past. 
First, im playing Christian music this time. So, yeah, i have music screaming in my ears. 
But at least its Christian music. I know that doesn't justify my motivation behind blasting it, but since something is blasting, im glad its that. (And i have my friend to thank for this, by the way! Christian music, im sad to say, is something i never particularly cared for. But she got me hooked!)
Secondly, im always faking a smile. So that no one really knows whats wrong. I talk to my girls. They are always there, which is something that differs from my past as well.
But my family has no idea. I keep the depressing posts away from them. I don't want to scare them.
And they wouldn't understand. Because they would keep trying to interfere. 
They would hate the fact that they couldn't help me.
Which they couldn't.
Because, as much as i HATE to say this...they are part of the problem.
Not the whole thing. A lot of it has to do with the way i (don't) handle things.
Which brings me to the third thing that lines up with my past....
I don't deal with things, but rather, just continue to shove them down inside.
Until they JUST EXPLODE.
Until *I* just explode.
But then i apologize for "overreacting" and we go on like 
nothing. ever. happened.

But i cant go on this way. I need to find a different way.
Because i am so scared of where this is headed. I am so scared of where *I* am headed.

"Im just a step away, im just a breath away, of falling off the edge today...its just another war, just another family torn, just a step from the edge, just another day in the world we live....I NEED A HERO TO SAVE ME NOW."

Friday, August 5, 2011

Update (lol sorry its too early for me to ACTUALLY think of a title...)

I just wanted to say, for anyone who has been praying for me and a friend of mine, thank you!
This past week we have taken some HUGE steps. Things aren't perfect, but i think i was kidding myself if i ever thought they were.
We are talking again!! I mean, like REALLY talking!! Like, the kind of talking where we both let our guards down and just be real and open and honest.
And its been amazing <3
Thank you ALL so much for praying <3 I love you guys!!


I have major insecurity issues. NO ONE would know by looking at me, but its true. And yeah, i push people away. Ive been told that i act like people aren't worth my time.
I guess the truth is that im just getting ready. Because the opposite of that statement is true. I don't feel worth ANYONE ELSE'S time.
And so to avoid you getting to know me, finding out who i really am and shoving me out, i don't let you get close.
Im sorry for how that comes off but really, when you consider the alternative, im pretty sure...
Its just self defense.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Oh my gosh. Im gonna cry. But i cant. Cuz i don't cry when id have to explain my tears.
And the one person i want to talk to, is the one person i cant.
Because it just so happens...
that the tears are about them.

"Sometimes I think I'm better off, To turn out the lights and close up shop, And give up the longing, believing and belonging, Just hold down my head and take the loss."

"You'd think that id learn my lesson by now, you'd think that id somehow figure out, that if you strike the match you're bound to feel the flame, you'd think that id learn the cost of love, paid that price long enough, but still i drive myself right through the pain, yeah well it turns out, i haven't learned a thing..."

I haven't. Plain and simple. And i know this because, if i had learned, i wouldn't still be trusting.
I wouldn't be getting burned right now.

"Ive felt this emptiness before, but all the times that ive been broken i still run right back for more..."

I always go back. Its like, i KNOW this is all just a game, but still i play.
I feel like i have writing all over me. Saying everything that contradicts my actions.
I SAY that i don't trust. That i know better by now. I say i cant stand here and keep getting burned. I say that i want something real.
And yet, here i am trusting, acting ignorant and naive, being burned and playing a game.
See what i mean?

"....I havent learned a thing."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Praise. A word i, sadly, don't use very often.
But im starting a lot of things new. :)
Something amazing happened last night. In both the physical sense and in an emotional way.
The physical was a lot of fun. Games with friends, catching up with someone i hadn't talked to in almost a year....
Just...a lot of things and i cant even explain it, but it was incredible.
But honestly, even more than all that physical stuff, was that emotion. That feeling. That connection that i had been long awaiting and anticipating.
Sitting on the sand....talking to you the way i was, FINALLY!, getting to again.... <3
And then he called to me. And our convo got put on hold a little.
And i went over, i talked to him. It was incredible. Almost like nothing had ever happened. Almost like nothing had changed.
Almost as if i HADN'T run out and left him without a reason or even a goodbye.
And then we hung out for a while...
I had probably the most fun ive had all summer.
It ranked right up there anyways.
And then when all that was over...
I got to go back to our conversation. Which remained just as deep as it was before.
I was so happy. I had been...
needing that. But i couldn't tell you.
We hadn't had a conversation like that since the fourth of july. And before that i think it was camp.
I missed it. A lot.
I missed you. I missed him.
I missed the way summers were before. Because everything changed this summer. Everything was different. It wasn't as much fun.
But last night....
Praise God for the way He is working in my life. And praise be to God for giving me these little blessings, these surprises, these things i completely don't deserve. Praise God for loving my in spite of my failures and always taking me back.
Praise God. <3

Truth finally coming to light, im taking a stand and doing whats right.

This life....NEVER gets any easier. It just doesn't.
But thats okay!
Because, while no one promised it'd be easy, Someone did promise to come alongside us. Someone did promise to take our hands and walk us through. Someone did promise to guide us. And to never leave us.

Im starting. It starting to see and starting to put into action.
But its not easy and im not perfect. Which would be a bad combo.
If i didn't have Help.
But i do.
So im going to try. Im going to mess up. And im going to get back up.
Even if He has the be the thing that lifts me up and stays behind me to keep me on my feet. I know He will do that.
And i know i might need that.
But this isn't about pride or an ego.
This is about Truth coming to light. About standing up and doing whats right.