Thursday, December 29, 2011

ending 2011 single. what a surprise. the strangest thing is, i could PROBABLY change that.. and yet i dont. at least this year i HAD someone, even if it didnt last long. thats a step up from the last 16 years:P but even sad. like, i dont get it. why me? why am i not with someone? whats the problem? i dont want to think there is something wrong..with me.. but maybe there is. sighhh i dont knowwww!!! :// but i DO know that im not a huuuuge fan of this. HES STANDING RIGHT THERE WHAT IS STOPPING ME?!?! seriously..i mean, sure maybe he isnt everything i was hoping for. but, my friends, beggars cant be choosers. :P its true though. i sit here and complain about being single and there is a guy that SEEMS willing to change that and yet i dont give him a chance, albeit it would be ANOTHER chance, but still.. or maybe im just being stupid. maybe he has moved on. maybe, maybe he didnt care AT.ALL. EVER. .......annnnnnd then, all i have to do is click around on your profile to remember WHY i wont reach out for you. we are done. im all done. I REFUSE TO JUST BE ANOTHER GIRL TO YOU!!! and i even TOLD you as much!! well, i meant it then, i mean it today, and ill mean it for forever. no matter HOW badly i want to not be ending 2011 single, no matter how badly i want a guy in WILL.NOT. be you.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Im really dragging my feet for Christmas. Christmas eve tomorrow..say whaaaat?? i cant believe its really here... it doesnt feel like it at.all.!! im excited, for sure! dont get me wrong:) i loooove Christmas!! im just a little sad...because this is the last year i get to celebrate as a "kid". ok im sad for more than just that reason.. im sad because i didnt expect to be celebrating alone. i know thats stupid and completely NOT the point of Christmas...but im just being honest. there was a time i believed i would, finally, not be alone on Christmas. i thought id have a sweet boyfriend to open presents with. the sit by the fire with. seeing the happy, adorable couples skating together last night was like..salt in the wound. idk..and maybe im just being stupid. i shouldnt have planned 2 months in advance, even i can see that. but..i finally had someone...i didnt want to let him go! im so sick and tired of being alone.. even if he wasnt right, he was something. and..thats all i wanted. someone. well, evidently i wanted more. because he tried to come back and..i wouldnt let him. im proud of myself for that..i think.. no i am. i made the right choice for me. i finally stood up for myself! and sure, it wasnt with the people it mattered MOST with..but..its a start:) so i guess..i am ok. i wont lie, i wanted to spend the holidays with someone. doesnt everyone? but...i NEED to learn to be content with God. i know i do. and i want to..its just..hard. but life is a journey. they day it stops being hard will be the day i go to Heaven and probably not a second sooner..and i think im ok with, and even LIKE, that. i like working for things<3 But theres something God has NEVER made me work for. Thats His love. His forgiveness. HIS Christmas present to me is free<3 just sayin..:)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

i i miss us. i miss summer. i miss how we used to be. i miss freedom. i miss secrets. i miss people respecting our relationship and space. i miss the love we freely gave. i miss openly sharing our feelings with each other. i miss knowing someone like the back of my hand. i miss having someone know me better than i knew myself. i miss knowing youd be there for me, forever; and like no one else. i miss knowing you better than anyone. i miss never having any secrets. i miss letting my guard down. i miss fully and completely trusting someone. i miss giving love without questioning it. i miss when our relationship only involved the two of us; no unwelcome third parties. i miss knowing we'd stick by each other no matter what else or who else came into our lives. i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss my best friend. <\3
why..??? dang it..i was so stupid. i believed you when you said there'd be no more fights. ok, well at first i didnt believe you. but then we went so long without one that..i dont know i sort of unwillingly let myself believe. i shouldnt have done that. i can see that now. i let myself heal only to be torn back open again. i hate this. i hate feeling like this. all the time. this isnt fair!!! i was trying, TRYING, to be happy. to accept my circumstances. but...why do you have to do this?? again?? and the WORST you dont even know..HOW.MUCH. it hurts. you dont. you know from your point of view. but you are fighting for something. im just caught in the crossfire. my heart breaks a little more with each word of fire. and i want to tell the one person who is always there for me but..IM SO FREAKING SICK OF DRAGGING THEM INTO THIS!!! and im afraid imma lose them..bc im too much. too much drama. too full of it.. and i WILL.NOT. let that happen. <\3

"Can you help me forget, dont wanna feel like this forever.."

"I know im a mess and i wanna be someone, someone that id like better, i can never forget, so dont remind me of it forever..what if i just pulled myself together, would it matter at all? what if i just tried not to remember, would it matter at all?.." ohh..skillet<3 listening to this song reminds me of the LAST time i was here. memories carry me back to september.. september. back when everything was so right. <33 i miss it. but that word isnt big enough to describe my feelings. not even close. im so filled with regret. and shame. and tears that threaten to release at even the thought..the memory.. im still so sorry.. but i didnt even do it. but that doesnt matter. because i didnt stop it, either. and yes, im aware that the past is the past.. whats done is done. yes, i know. but, in my cant say that.. sighh.. just another thing i miss. being able to say what i really think.. im not interested in typing only "ok" parts of what i want to say.. so ill just stop here. i wanted to express how much i but i cant. so never mind.. but i hope..i hope you know.. its a lot.

Monday, December 19, 2011


Ron Pope<3 Goshh i love this guy:) "Im holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven.."--the lyrics i have written on my arm today:) im feeling better...i think i am. something just...flipped. i grabbed my Bible last night...for the first time in SO. freaking. long. but i did. and i read. and i..i almost cried actually.. God has faithful. thru everything. and i know He always will be. but me? i was so..doubtful and stupid.. i feel ashamed to even admit this. i feel stupid. for so long, throughout this whole process, i didnt tell anyone about my doubts. because i felt like such a bad Christian. and i felt one would understand.. and i was afraid of being judged. but im just gonna say it now. i dont even care. forget the masks, the pretenses.. im sick of hiding. this is me. the good, the bad, and the ugly. ... and, i dare say, the beautiful. i need to breathe. i need to believe. i need to become. just soak it up. just..all of it. ill still say though, when i told someone the other day that i needed out of this town and to just go somewhere no one knows me and i know no one...i meant it. and i still do. i do feel like i need to get away, just..get away, from everything. just for a while. i need to get ME back, before i can deal with everything. and, while its not exactly what i had in mind, i do get a little vacation... and i intend to make the best of it. <3 God has a plan in everything. i know it. ive seen His will work out through some of the most AWFUL, ugly and heartbreaking situations. and theres still some things i sit here and wonder how good will EVER come from them. but i trust my Father. and i know He will make things clear to me in HIS time. <3

i miss the old days..

August...september...even june and july. What a nightmare october was. ...but i wish it had only been a nightmare. No, it was reality. I lived it, WE lived it.. And we've been forever changed since. ...i hate it. Like, more than ive ever hated anything. I miss that sense of security i had with you. I miss the love, the craziness, those magical carefree days of summer. Our inside things, skype dates, just...everything. I miss it all. Its not that i didnt know what i had.. Its just that i never knew i stood to lose it.
i dont know what it is, but whatever Christian rock song my brother has playing in the next room seems to fit with what i feel. just the intensity and the..just the amount of feeling.. ya know, to anyone that reads this, i probably sound like the most ungrateful, narcissistic, pessimistic person ever. and maybe thats what im like in real life too. maybe THIS is why no one ever sticks around for long. maybe im just too much to take. maybe im not worth fighting for. he certainly didnt think i was. but i dont blame him. most days..i dont think im worth fighting for. why would i be? if i was reeeeally worth it, someone wouldve been fighting for me long ago. ... (*has a thought that stops her dead in her tracks)...Jesus fought for me..over 2000 years ago... and Hes been fighting for me ever since. Hes never stopped... wow. how stupid and self-centered can i get?:/ guys i cant keep doing this. i cant keep doing this to everyone around God.. i dont wanna cry anymore!!! i really dont. when people make jokes about things like crying yourself to sleep and lying and hiding behind a smile...they dont know it..but all those things are true about me. and i hate it. and i dont WANT them to be. but they are. "I wish today it would rain all day, maybe that'd kinda make the pain go away, tryin to forgive you for abandoning me.." truth. i looove rainy days. bc they match how i feel. its almost like..they understand. the skies cry and i feel like i can too. I feel less alone. Somedays, thats all i need. to feel like, maybe, im not as alone in this world as i thought. "Did you ever stop to think..that i actually loved you..?" Most people in this world..choose to play games. Well, not this girl. When i say i love you, i mean it. But, like everyone else, i DO want something in return when i say it. ... I want you to tell me you love me too..and mean it. Thats all. I miss the old days..

Sunday, December 18, 2011

yupp..i should be packing right now. my sister's bag is sitting downstairs, already packed and set to go. and mine is still empty on my floor. my best friend and i decided last night to be happy and embrace our circumstances and stop wallowing in self pity. we even agreed to keep each other accountable, as we do with everything, to be positive about life.. and yet, what she doesnt know.. i cant do this. i cant. i hate that im now keeping secrets..?? noo..i never wanted that to be true. well, she cant talk right now and, honestly, i dont think i could get words out anyways. im just sitting here letting ke$ha play thru my headphones and typing this jumble of words..bc i dont know how to do anything else. if i actually had to talk to SOMEONE..and not just not sure i could do it. because everything is either lies, or truths i cant say.. what she doesnt know is i sit here and type this. i tweet my feelings. i listen to sad music. i cry in the shower and every night when the light goes off. my life.. and yes, i SHOULD be making the best of it, like we said. and i tried. all day. but when i feel like im losing something.. something that meant near the world to me.. theres nothing i can do BUT fall apart. but i couldnt put these feelings into words and share them because the one person i wanna share them with... is the one person im afraid this miiiight be true about. and then i look at reality and i feel stupid and im like, "of courseee they love you.." sighhh... in a confused and insecure little girl lost in this crazy world..<3

Friday, December 16, 2011

"I hate, feeling like this, im so tired, of tryin to fight this.."

so maybe theres a million and one things i should be doing right now. but maybe theres only one thing i can do. sighhh...guys.. i dont even know whats wrong. its just...i think this year is catching up with me. or maybe thats just an excuse. but cmon, after the year ive had..i think its justified to feel like everything is wrong and not even be able to pinpoint one thing.. it just...feels wrong. everything. i wake up and, for a moment, im ok. and then its like i remember and i crash. and im not alone in this. but even more than wanting myself to feel better..i want my friend to feel better. i haaaate seeing someone, especially someone i love, hurting. i hate it. but i dont know how to fix this. i dont know how to fix this for either of us. ahhhh!!!!!!! i just wana scream. just scream. i cant even cry anymore. my tears know that whatever im wasting them on isnt even important anymore and they refuse to cooperate. so i just sit here. and even though everything is tearing me apart inside, theres no evidence on the outside that would ever lead you to believe that. and i know thats my fault too. ive trained myself to hide. why does it feel like im never gonna be on top of things again? i feel like i have the world on my shoulders and i just HAVE to keep running, because, if i dont, its gonna run over me. i feel like every step i make has to be carefully calculated..except im left with no time. so i have to just step in blindly and PRAY i made the right call. maybe this is supposed to be like, a test of faith? ... if thats the case, im pretty sure im failing..

Thursday, December 15, 2011

ok. so i know God is here with me. so im not alone. not at all actually. i got Him and someone else who gets me.. but guys.. im still so.sick. of feeling like this. "I hate, feeling like this, im so tired, of trying to fight this..and the more i hide i realize, im slowly losing You.." <\3
will i never, ever learn? nope. i dont think i will. haha thats just..part of who i am i think. i never get things the first, second or even third time im told them. usually, i have to experience something in order to understand it. i guess thats what ill call this past year. yeah, its a little early for a reminiscing post...expect that one on new years eve ;D haha but im just gonna say that..this year tore me to pieces. and i would try to repair myself and it would tear me apart again. so finally i decided it would be best to stay broken. ... sometimes i wonder where i get my ideas:P yup. not my best one yet. last had it. id reached the point where i cried and cried out to God. "I was always yours to hold." that He was. that He is. mine. to hold. and He doesnt care about what ive done, He doesnt hold my past or my doubts against me.. i just brought it all to Him. no masks, no pretenses. and i told Him i was sorry. i am sorry. more than words, or even tears, can express. and, i do believe, that last night was the FIRST night i havent cried myself to sleep in...gosh i cant even remember the last time i slept in my own bed and didnt cry..O.o thats pretty bad, isnt it? yeahh.. but God has changed that. guys...this...i dont know how to explain this to you. this is different than any other time God has saved me.. He really pulled me off a cliff. i mean i pushed Him away and away and in turn just got closer and closer to this edge... He saved me AND I DONT DESERVE THIS!!! i dont deserve Him. guys....HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT WHAT IVE DONE!!! and He DOES care..about me. even if no one else in the world does.. that was MY mistake. i told myself He was no different than all the people in my life who have and are letting me down. i believed that lie. i really did. i WANTED to trust Him... but i "knew" He'd just let me down.. BUT HE DIDNT!!! guys....ahh im at a loss for how to explain this to you. i stand here and i..i cant even wrap my mind around this fact. and i feel stupid because ive grown up all my life "knowing" this. but i never accepted it for myself. and i even believed it was a lie for a while..but the fact is GOD LOVES ME. HE CARES FOR ME. HE WILL NEVER, EVER, LET ME DOWN. HE WONT EVER ABANDON OR LEAVE ME. guys...this is truth.. i still cant wrap my mind around this. but i know it. i know it now. i know it in my heart. and, whats more? i believe it now. I dont know how or why.. but He DOES love me. <3333

Friday, December 9, 2011

"In the middle of this crazy mess, i forget how big im blessed."

Soo much has been happening..its crazy!! And then some days? It feels like nothing happens at all. But its like, even the little things. Its skype dates with my best friend. Its hearing a song that takes me back to summer. Its the snow thats falling softly out my window. Its the little things in life that hold the most magic. If we only learn to enjoy them. For the last couple months..i havent been able to see magic anywhere. The world was dark to me. I was void, emotionless, empty.. Just broken. But im done. Im done with all of that. I cant live that way. And i dont want to. The truth is, ive been struggling soo much since summer ended. And to everyone that has stuck by me, through alll of this..i love you. Honestly, to the few that stick by me, through the dark and the<3 And now..nothinga changed. Life is still hard. Its still GONNA be. But im done letting the dark times in life make me miss out on life completely. Im done waiting for huuuge things. Im gonna look at the little pieces of magic, the little blessings, and enjoy them.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

sometimes im just...amazed at how far i let myself go.
but not amazed in a good way.
i have days where i just stand and wonder how on earth things ever got so.messed.up.
yeah..i look back and see where i was, and i look at where i am now..and im proud of myself for making it out of all that. and im grateful to God for pulling me through it all.
but on the same hand..sometimes i just get stuck on step one. i look to the past..
and thats where it stops.
i see how.far. i let myself get..
and i hurt. i break.
i feel ashamed.
God does love me, yes. but..He shouldnt have to.
and i feel like i dont..deserve His love. i know i never could, but, when im looking back, i feel especially undeserving.
my brother just showed me this video from my old church..he says "you looked so innocent". and im like, "i was innocent".
and thats the truth.
i was.
in the video, im dancing with God. we are so in step. and then all these things of life come along, guys, money, body image, hatred..and they steal me from God. i mean, in the video, i let them steal me.
and the video gets really intense. the closing scene my character has a gun to her head. and in the last few seconds..she drops it. she drops the gun and she tries to run back to God. but all the things from her past stand in her way. they push her down. they literally tear her apart. they claw at her and do everything they can to keep her from God.
eventually, torn apart and worn out, my character falls to the ground. and all these people that represented her past just start kicking her. even though shes down, thats not enough. those things would be the death of her, if they could.
and then, just when i think my past has won..
God steps in.
He fights back it all.
which is amazing, if you stop to think about it.
God fights back all the bad stuff *I* let into my life.
He doesnt say, "well, you messed up but Ill take you back BUT you have to get to Me first. its your job to fight thru it all because you brought it upon yourself" thats not what He says at all.
HE fights it. all. Himself.
for me.
and then He takes me by the hand..and we are back in step, just like that. He brushes me off, and we go back to walking together again.

what an image that was for me.
when i made that video with my church..i couldnt really relate. or anyways, i didnt see it that way...
but i do now.
oh boy, do i.
ive been places im not proud of, by all means.
ive pushed God away for "other things"..
i DONT deserve Him.
but i know He'll take me back anyways..
what a humbling, truly humbling, concept..
God.Is.A.LOVING.Father. <3
God is also..a FORGIVING Father <3
it feels like ive been stuck in this depressed state for...far too long.
i think its literally been months.
and its been worse than its ever been.

but, after allll this time;
after allll my doubts and
questioning and pain..
read that again.
He NEVER left.
not once.

i fell harder than i EVER have.
i questioned things and people ive believed in all my life.
but ALL this aside..He's still here.
and im ok.
i am truly, for maybe the first time since summer, and for sure the first time since october 11..
i know im gonna be ok.
everything might not be ok..
but I am.
because of Him.

Friday, December 2, 2011

do you ever KNOW something is wrong, but you dont care and you just do it anyways?
well, i do sometimes.
it has a lot to do with the way i think.
for instance, i let myself fall into thinking about the past and thinking about and reliving regrets...and all it does it bring me down.
but even though i KNOW whats gonna happen, bc ive done it how many times before, i still do it.
and i feel awful.
im so sick of not being strong enough to rise against all this.
ive grown to be pretty strong with physical stuff. but as far as the way i think?

thats still SO hard..

one thing ive come to know is that im NEVER gonna be done growing and changing.
and i think thats a good thing actually.
but that means theres always gonna be SOMETHING that is a challenge for me.
because in challenges you grow.
and in the moments i am weakest, He is strongest.
and in the moments i fall short, He picks me back up.
its so hard for me to admit my shortcomings though..
but its been good for me.
it keeps me accountable.
you cant go it alone.
i should know, after all.
just another example about how i know something but dont act on it..haha