Friday, September 30, 2011

i don't know how to make decisions, because, in the last 17 years of my life, ive really never had to. somehow, someway, i let someone start making decisions for me early on. and then? i just lost my voice. i got used to people making decisions for me and they got used to making them.
and along with losing my voice, i slowly lost my inner voice too. the one that believes in me and my thoughts.
i just lost everything. 
and now i need to step up but you know what? i cant. i cant because, for SO long, i listened to everyone else's voice. and now i cant even HEAR mine.
you ask me what i want and i cant even answer you.
because i don't KNOW what i want.
im used to pleasing everyone else before myself.
seriously...i can only think of ONE good decision i have made since...i don't even KNOW when! but i was able to make this decision because NO ONE ELSE said anything. 
this was MY choice. and the truth is, you don't even know so...
but thats beside the point.
i haven't made a decision for myself since i cant even remember when.
ive let everyone else decide.
and the main reason i did that was because, if they decided, they wouldn't be disappointed.
i dont wanna disappoint you.
but my gosh! you sat there and told me not to let ANYONE make this decision for me...
O.o um..correct me if im wrong but...isn't that what you're trying to subtly do? you would NEVER say it...but you are trying to influence me and change my mind...O.o
goshhh i wanna run. like, a lot. just run and run and not stop till im in a place where no one knows me. no one's heard about me. no one knows stories and rumors, no one has this stupid judgement of me in their head.
but i cant run. i cant. less than 7 months..i CAN.
im not saying im running away from you. i love you and you love me and thats all good.
i just cant meet your expectations AND stay true to myself
and, normally, i would just bend what I wanted, and give you what you wanted.
but...this is my future we are talking about here!!
and, in less than 7 months ill be an adult...and adults make their own decisions.
thats all im asking for. the freedom to make my own decisions AND, if it comes down to it, my own mistakes...
and if you wont GIVE me that freedom, then, yeah, in 7 months...
you'll watch me take it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"I can be manipulated only so many times, before even "i love you" starts to sound like a lie..." 

Monday, September 26, 2011

i thought i was strong. i thought i could hold it all together. at least, i thought, till i turned out the lights and "went to sleep".
and then i was texting my best friend and she asked what was wrong and i literally just fell apart. i just told her everything and laid on my bed and cried. i didn't want to cry because i was so afraid someone would come up and see me like that..and i didn't (and still don't) want to have to explain to any of my family..
but i couldn't help it. with my words, out poured my tears.
and, being the AMAZING best friend that she is, she totally listened to everything, talked me through it all, and then turned me back to God.
seriously..this song is my life right now.
and we talked and i listened to this song a lot of times on
and i finally feel better.
a little anyways.
and yeah. nothing.has.changed.
everything will be the same tomorrow.
everything is the same right now.
but one thing has changed.
i know imma get through this.
and i know that i have 2 people who will always be there to go through it with me.
my best friend has proved this to me over and over again.
and she always points me back to that God is here with me too<3
...i just...well i hope im as good a friend to her as she is to me.
and i hope one day ill learn to forgive and forget my past and not let it interfere with our future.
and i hope she knows the only reason im like this....
is cuz im scared.
ive never had a friend mean more to me.
which is why the thought of losing that friend...terrifies me to death.
but im trying to trust. trust God, trust her...
and trust myself<3 <3
i need to stop having these breakdowns. seriously. because i just become completely unproductive for the rest of the night. i cant think. i cant do anything.
soo..guess im not finishing my homework...which puts me behind for tomorrow. 
great, lets just start the day off behind...:P
i need to cry. i really think i do. cuz i just need to get this all out.
i cant keep stuffing it. im just gonna burst.
but then again, you really give me no other choice..
i could cry myself to sleep again. :/
but by day all you will see is my smile.
i really really hate this. like, a LOT.
because i know what happened LAST TIME i felt this way.
it was horrible. i...i cant even tell you. but it was bad.
but evidently i WANT it more than i need it. cuz if i needed it, God would've given it to me. He always gives me what i need.
so i guess i don't need this.
but goshhh do i miss it :'( 
i miss not feeling like THIS all the time < /3
i cant even figure out how to get a grip on the situation.
i cant figure out anything.
im breaking down. im falling apart.
and theres nothing anyone can do to change this.
the damage has been done. 
and now im dealing with the consequences.
or trying to, anyways...
uh crying...gosh i hope no one sees me like this...


Sunday, September 25, 2011

Why don't you, come right out and say it?

if you don't believe in me, for crying out loud, at least TELL me that. i hate these hidden messages. i hope you know how much it hurts when i cant even feel like you support me. you don't have to AGREE with me. i mean, id appreciate if you would, but i don't expect that. people have opinions. im aware. but what YOU need to be aware of is how much i WANT your support, but also how i WILL go on without it.
someone's gotta believe in me and, if it has to be, that person will be me.
which will be SO.HARD. for me. i have such a hard time believing in myself.
actually, i don't believe in much these days.
but i WILL learn. 
even if i stand alone.

somedays it feels like i will forever stand alone.

and sure, theres usually someone there...but they always only last a short period of time.
i wanna cry and i wanna kick myself at the same time.
i wanna cry cuz this hurts sooo much.
and i wanna kick myself cuz crying makes me feel weak. crying means i don't trust. crying means im falling apart.
and? all of that is true. i am weak. i don't trust and i am falling apart:/
i hate it. and i hate it even more because, this time LAST YEAR, i was fine. i was S.T.R.O.N.G.
i hate how weak i am now. i hate..everything. this is reallyyy bad. i NEED to not feel like this.
:'// but i just don't know how.

...i got a sweatshirt n a bracelet today. they say "To Write Love On Her Arms."
its about learning to "write" love instead of scars.
its for anti-suicide and self-harm.
but when i read the words on the bracelet im reminded to love myself. im reminded that everyday *i* chose to love myself or hurt myself. or allow myself to be hurt by other people.
specifically for me, that means not putting myself down and not letting anyone else put me down either.
i REALLY wish i knew how to get my life back.
and more?
i wish i knew how to get ME back...
ohhhkay. i am LITERALLY operating on 5 hours of sleep. nbd. lol i just hope i don't fall asleep in church..O.o lol
but in all seriousness, like, i don't regret it at.all.
seriously. i might get in trouble..if they find out how late i was texting..and i might be tired all day..
but after all we have been through, NOT being there for you...
was never even an option<3

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

i cant explain it. im crabby and everything upsets me right now. ugh i hate this. and i know im just bound to say something ill regret. and ill probably end up saying it to someone i love and ill hurt them and then ill hate myself later....
its gonna be a long night. hopefully, i can just get through dinner and chores. then i can retreat to my room on the pretense of homework.
cuz its true. i have homework.
and ill do it.
and ill blast skillet.
and ill try to either figure things out or else drown them out.
ugh...gotta go. family's home.
smile in place? check.

Monday, September 19, 2011

God is good.

its been far too long since ive stopped to realize that. 
and yeah, in light of this new stupid drama that has entered my life, i was expecting to feel the need to post about it.
but instead, all i feel the need to do is to stop and realize that God is good, and that, much like EVERYTHING else in my life...
He will get me through this.
and i believe He will get US through this.
but even if He chooses to lead us down separate paths, well...
ill be sad. and ill miss you like crazy. and it'll break my heart. but theres one thing you need to know.
i will always love you and always be there for you no matter what. 
"And if its over, it hurts but im givin you my word, i hope that you're always happy like we were.." <3
God knows what is best for us. He brought us together. and, honestly, i don't believe He will let this tear us apart. 
but even if it does, i just want to trust Him. please never assume that i WANT us torn apart. its the furthest thing from what i desire.
im just saying, i need to trust Him. He gave me you, after all. GOOD.<3

Friday, September 16, 2011

im sorry about all of the depressing posts lately...but i don't wanna be fake and pretend to be happy ya know? i just need to deal with all of this stuff right now and how i deal is by writing it out. <3

ya know, i used to treat this thing like my journal. i still do sometimes. but i have a separate journal now. not everything i feel belongs on this blog. 
but gosh, if you could see my journal, you'd see how truly broken and scared i am right now. i know i don't have time for this, got places to be and people to see.
thats another thing. i write in my journal at 11, 12, 1am because i just don't have time during the day, but i just cant sleep without getting my feelings out.
and i DEFINITELY cant be online at 1am! lol
so i know i sound broken on here, but trust me, it gets worse. 
and i usually don't let people see my broken. cuz, c'mon, who wants a friend like that?
but i have a relationship thats BASED off vulnerability.

things i need to say?
its fall! well, almost. we have our heat on though and im wearing snuggle it feels like fall :)
and yeah, im hurting. but you see that smiley? thats me. in a minute ill get out of bed, get ready for the day, put on my make up and put on my smile.
ik that makes me sound fake. but, in my defense, i have to go to work. its not appropriate to go feeling like i am.
and they say if you pretend something long enough you can actually make yourself believe it.
so yeah, imma go enjoy fall today. imma go make some money to save for the school no one thinks im smart enough to go to, imma do all of my double course work and the pre ACT because im behind, but im willing to work to catch up.
but does anyone see this? nope.
it kills me to know believes in me.
but i can use that to drive me.
"I do it because i can, i can because i want to, i want to because you said i couldn't."
ive completely lost all my ability to hope for things.
im cold, my mind is numb, i have no enthusiasm for the day...
and senior year is SO.CRITICAL.
especially MY senior year. cuz i have a LOTTTTTT of catching up to do before i can even *think* bout going to school. BUT, oh wait, thats right, i have to catch up AND figure out school.
:/ and now im scared. im scared for my future.
im wont be in it.< /3
im scared you wont WANT to be in it.
"im the person everyone replaces after a while"
and its true. and i could accept it. but that would mean that i would know the relationship is temporary and i would NOT let myself get involved would NOT let my heart get attached...
but thats just not how i operate. you love me you get all of me.
in this case, you get every bit of my past, you get every secret, every mistake.
you know EVERYTHING. i have never had someone know me like this. and ive never known someone like you've let me know you. i also know that im the first. because i know no one else knows you like i do.
all of this should be reassuring.
you are always there for me, ask me whats up, tell me you care...
and i hold.back. cuz i don't wanna scare you off or freak you out. but i have heard from people that that is my mistake. i hold back. maybe you want me to open up more, like this summer. gosh i don't know. i wish i could go back, wish WE could go back, but ill look straight ahead. no need to hurt myself with useless day dreams...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

*low whistle*
its amazing how quickly your life can spiral out of control, and you don't even realize it!
wow. and its looking like a lot of the bad choices i have been making...well, started by making a bad choice.
with what i played through my headphones and speakers.

so im listening to Skillet right now. my FAVORITE Christian band. period.
and ALL i will be listening to, for the next 2 weeks, is Christian music. because today as i sat and listened to a song i KNEW i shouldn't have been listening to, i could feel God telling me that this wasn't right. i turned off the song but i still felt really bad. 
and no, i don't think listening to Christian music for the next 2 weeks somehow "makes up for" my bad choices. i went right to God and asked His forgiveness and His help in changing. 
But i know that to be serious about changing, the right thing for me to do is to completely get rid of the problem. quitting cold turkey. seems to be the method that works best for me anyways :) 
if you're reading this, could you please pray for me? im just sayin, im gonna miss my old i know this isn't gonna be easy. but, its been a year of change for me and so far i don't regret a SINGLE change God has helped me make. He really does know best, and im trusting Him on this one 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Ahhh!!! Thank. You. God!! honestly i don't know WHY i doubt that You will come through for me sometimes. Gosh... :))
and yeah, in a couple days or maybe even hours, i could slip right back in to feeling lonely and on the brink of us breaking...i might over think things again and blow them out of proportion...
but right now, i feel AMAZING! <3
all 3 of us :) finally, i can look at a 3 and smile...its...been awhile...
things aren't falling apart...they are just changing. because they have to. circumstances have changed and we need to be flexible if we are gonna get through this. no, not "if", we WILL get through this:)
but i HAVE to accept the fact that and things will just automatically be different. we cant sit around and text all day everyday like we literally did all summer. but we make it work. i know you care as you sit and poke me at every opportunity you have at school and as you text me every morning even though you're trying to get ready or i fall asleep on you... ;P
lol its not a question of you caring. its a question of me being able to let go and not only love you, but let you love me.

but this is not something im used to. things just, fall apart for me. they don't change, because theres never time. they always fall apart first. thats what i mean when i say that im not used to this. im not used to having someone there for me no matter what. im not used to being able to go to someone no matter what time it is and just tell them everything im feeling. im not used to anyone actually CARING what im feeling and being there to listen to every heart wrenching detail. people don't like sad things. ive never had someone who would take on my problems and almost...feel them like their own.
you mean so much to me..i just..

I NEED TO LET GO OF MY PAST!! i don't know how to do that. and, even worse....its not just my past.
im W.A.T.C.H.I.N.G. something fall apart. im watching things not work out. im USED to people leaving!! :/ so even if i teach myself to let go of my past, its still happening in my present. 
heres the thing. i need to learn to accept the fact that people are people and imma get hurt everywhere. i need to accept that but i ALSO need to accept that there are some good people left out there that DO in fact, actually CARE. >>>you<<< yeah. i NEED to get that through this stubborn head of mine!

Monday, September 12, 2011

if we ever DID end, id much rather be blindsided and hurt because i believed in us, than expecting it. because if i was expecting it, what does that say about the whole time we were together? 
No, id rather enjoy every second we have. and, if things ever fall apart, ill have the memories to comfort me

Saturday, September 10, 2011

i cant laugh, i cant smile...i wish you were just some guy. cuz id go out on the town tnite and just forget all about you. id MAKE myself have a good time and, even if only for the moment, you'd be the furthest thing from my mind.
but youre not. you mean wayyyyy more to me than "some guy".
dude....this....hurts beyond words i can say :'// but please, don't think im mad. cuz im not. im hurt. im really really sad actually.
4 hours on the dot since you texted me back < /////////3
funny...the one overreacting. PLEASE, someone just tell me im overreacting...please...?
o.m.g. i just read 3 months ago. before summer even started. i wrote: "I am all done letting ANYONE, EVER, get close. enough. to. break. me."
and then, what did i turn around and do this summer? I trusted not just one person, but many people. TOO many people. heres the thing. of all the people i have trusted IN MY LIFE, you are the ONE i don't regret. i honestly DO regret some people. yeah yeah i know they taught me lessons, or that they will....all i can see right now is them teaching me not to trust. which, isn't really a lesson. its more like this baggage and these scars they left me with that i have to get over and deal with.....
but dude, i said i wasn't letting anyone get close. well, i let you get close. in fact, you are closer than any single person has EVER gotten to me. 
and you're still here. 
But my cynical, tainted-by-life mind, just keeps asking "till when?" and wont let me trust that you'll be here for forever. i took a sharpie and wrote "trust♥" on myself today. i want to see it and be reminded that i need to do that. 
im sorry. im sorry i cant trust yet. then again....its been over 2 hours...and you haven't texted me back. the last time i was the "nothing better text girl" it didn't end well.
namely because it ENDED. < /3
so im sorry, but what you are doing REFLECTS what happened in my past....if you break me...after knowing my whole past....after knowing how fragile i am......after me being so careful of you and your feelings.....if you do this to me....
ill still love you.
in spite of everything, i will always love you.
i wont break my promise. ill stick by you till you deicide you want me gone.
and ill love you forever♥ idk if thats a good thing, but its true.
"Ill be around most likely, for years to come if you need, anything..." i will always be there for you.
or at least, i hope i will. then again, when i get hurt i retreat and i hide. 
"every dream i had of us just came crashing down. its like ive been sleeping but i woke up now." 
please....prove me wrong...< /3
i know im emotional right now. im not gonna blow this out of proportion. but im just gonna state, that i feel like im losing you. :'/ i really might cry right now. i hate this. im sorry. i don't even know what for, but, when something goes wrong thats just my reflex. "sorry". what else can i say? i knew from the beginning how this would PROBABLY go, but i also HOPED. do i regret that? nope. cuz we had some good times.
im just praying the good times, and even the sad times, don't stop. all i want to stop is this loneliness :'(( ♥iloveyouforever

Friday, September 9, 2011

sometimes i sit here and say i just wanna know what is the "right thing" to do. i act like, if i only knew, i would do it.
but thats not true.
i consider the lyrics playing through my headphones right now.....
i know THATS not the "right thing". 
but does that thought stop me?
so why do i feel like any other situation would be different?
God says "to those who are faithful with little i will give more."
im pretty sure im not. im not even faithful with what He HAS given me.
how could i ever expect more? how could i ever expect to make a difference for Him?
but i don't turn the music off. i mean, its not THAT bad...
but there i go justifying it again.
and if i cant even do the right thing when im the only one involved, when my heart is the only one on the line, then how can i even TRY to hold onto and protect someone ELSE'S heart?!?!
why? i finally make a good decision and then i realize that there was always more than one wrong choice i was making at any given point.
do you know how hard it is to UNLEARN everything you've spent seventeen years learning?!
seriously, i have to unlearn EVERYTHING. ://
at first, this journey was fun. it was harder than anything; but i was finally WORKING for something. i have this strange sense of accomplishment. ive never really felt that before this summer.
but now i realize it wasn't ever just ONE thing i was doing wrong. its all these things that i have chosen to give into over the years, and now i have to rise up against them and learn to say no. learn to stand my ground, stand up for myself, and lay down the law.
i NEED to watch what i filter into my head. im good as far as movies and tv..have been for a while. its books and MUSIC that get me.
cuz i read whatever i want. and, if i get into a book, i DONT wanna put it down. so if it gets inappropriate, i have to decide to stop reading it, or continue on. i need to know what happens, im caught up in the story, whatever my excuse.
i usually finish the book.
and music....
i just listen to whatever i want.
its SO bad.
and the thing is, i KNOW its bad. 
but i don't do anything about it.
cuz i don't really want to.
i loooove my music. life. 
and i need to listen to what i choose. cuz there is a reason behind choice.
because it helps me escape, because it screams the words i cant find it in me to say, because it distracts me from my problems, cuz it makes me smile or laugh, because i can relate, whatever it is, i listen to it.
i am...scared. i am hiding and i am letting fear, once again, reign.
i hate that. i hate that i even have to write this. i miss the days when writing about problems was a stretch. because i was too naive and innocent to understand the feelings behind everything.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wow. my regrets just love following me. they love making repeat appearances in my life. just as if to remind me how stupid i was.
as if ill ever forget... < /3
I think im gonna throw up...or cry...or maybe both... :/ i swear, i am just done TALKING to people.

it always manages to blow up in my face.
now, not only am *I* breaking, but i might just be the one breaking someone.
i CAN'T do this. i CAN'T hold this all together again.
and i FINALLY found someone to be there....
and then i come to find out that in that someone being there, and keeping me from losing it completely,
i might be breaking someone.
someone who, technically, had claims to you first... :/ SO not looking like a good situation....
Found this from back in march...not the best, but it screams my heart right now. "why am i so afraid"?!

Don't Make Me Sorry...

whats holding me back
whats making me second guess
why can't i relax
i wanna give this thing my best
shot but i want it to be real
i don't wanna be fake for you
i just want you to feel
everything i feel for you

finally everything falls, falls into place
so where is the smile that belongs on my face…
my heart is racing and i can't stop
i'm going in circles you were my last shot
i said im giving up love
but then you showed up
and i began to second guess my convictions
don't make me sorry that i did...

your smile should put me at ease
your laughter brightens up my day
and every sweet nothing you whisper i wanna believe
but i don't wanna be lead astray…
no…please don't lead me astray

finally everything falls, falls into place
so where is the smile that belongs on my face…
my heart is racing and i can't stop
i'm going in circles you were my last shot
i said im giving up love
but then you showed up
and i began to second guess my convictions
don't make me sorry that i did...

so you're here, you're standing in front of me
why can't i smile, why can't i breathe
you're everything i've been needing 
and right here waiting
why…am i sooo afraid

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

...i deleted your friend request off facebook...
i just...couldn't do it.
i hope you notice. i hope you wonder.
and i honestly hope you ask.
cuz i want a chance to tell you..
to tell you how much you hurt me.
but if you don't ask, you wont know.
i will not be the one to speak up.
i will not be the one to make the move. any move.
cuz technically, you already made the "first move" when you added me on facebook.
and i took the first stand.
when i deleted it. < /3

Monday, September 5, 2011

i know that love is a choice and not a feeling.
and even knowing this, i can say that i have truly loved.
i have made a conscious choice to love.
but when they say that you either love forever or you never did, i disagree.
because i have loved.
and then it ended. and i had to make myself STOP loving that person. They walked away. they chose not to love me anymore. 
at one point, i loved this person.
and at another, i didn't.
at one point, i made a conscious choice to love this person.
and at another, i made a conscious choice to STOP loving them.
< / 3

i wanna cry. i am so stupid. i should have known. all this time i just kept giving myself away....
and now i have virtually nothing left.
i don't even see how this is possible. i mean, when i think of all the people that have contributed to my broken heart, well, its a lot...
but in the grand scheme of things, not that many.
and it seems ridiculous to me.
i just feel stupid right now.
I KNOW you think we'll be ok, and i KNOW you think things can just be the same, but if you really loved me you wouldnt treat me like this, ive been stupid before but im done livin like this.
"There's always some truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain behind: It's okay."

Its true. I laugh things off, i play stupid, i act like i don't care and like everything is fine...
when deep down i am really just falling apart.
i didn't used to do this.
but somewhere along the line i started progressed.
what used to be a bad habit has become a survival skill.
im not sure i could live without it.
i just don't think i could live being vulnerable all.the.time.
as it stands, i only have one relationship where i feel like its OK to let my guard down and be real.
basically because ive given everyone else a chance and they burned it.
sorry, no second chances when it comes to my heart.
especially when you don't even act like you care.
or when you act like you care and then 5 minutes later you start tearing me down.
nope. not happening.
i LIVE with my guard up. i have tried just giving myself away freely to anyone, as far as emotionally and mentally and all...
one of em anyways.
so now i have learned that living and loving require an open mind...
and a close guarded heart.
and THEN someone came along that made me unlearn all of that.
our relationship is
i love it. they are the ONLY person i can be that honest with and the best part is, i know the same is true for them.
2.way.relationship. O.o
im still dumbfounded here. i have never had a relationship like this before.
ive never seen one. one where someone wasn't tearing at the other.
one where things work out.
so ive learned this way of loving.
and while ONE.PERSON. has broke through that, everyone else still remains where they were at before. they haven't earned my heart. im not trying to sound conceited...let me try and make you understand...
what is left of my heart, will remain guarded EXCEPT for for the ONE person whom i can completely and fully trust.
to everyone else who has already had their shot and burned me, i know you think you can keep coming back. i know you think you and your smooth lies with work your way back in. i know you think this will work because its worked every time before.
but not this time.
no more scars.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

well now...i don't exactly know where to go from here.
one thing i know?
i HATE how we always act like everything is just.fine.
cuz we all know its not. and its just plain stupid to play this game.
it just raises people's hopes...
only to dash them.
when you finally came out and said it, i wasn't shocked. i hate it, of course!
but i also hate this.
SO. call me pessimistic. call me depressing. call me a downer.
but im gonna expect the worst. im gonna anticipate the fall.
because, quite frankly, enough of my OWN relationships fail and i end up hurting as a result of those, that i don't need to be hurt by yours.
im sorry. but its..just how it has to be...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I gotta live with the choices ive made...and i cant live with myself today...

its true. i have to now. its too late. ill never get to go back. i wish i could take back every sarcastic remark. i wish i would've just pushed you out the door for a night on the town, volunteered to watch your kids and cook dinner...just one more time.
wish id been more understanding.
wish id respected the power of walking on eggshells.
wish id been just a LITTLE stronger.
but i wasn't. i didn't. and its too late.
i have to live with the choices that *I* have made.
and you have to live with the choices YOU've made.
and, as much as i don't want to, i kind of hate myself right now.
ironic thing is, i don't hate you. i know you probably think i do.
but i don't.
i hate myself more than anyone. because i feel like *I* let my end of the bargain down.
i feel like i let YOU down. i know i know, if you read this it would kill you. you don't want me to feel like this. i get it.
but i do.
i was reading back through my blog. all the way back through april. i remembered feeling like i had SO much to juggle. i read about being so worn out. the feelings of having to keep all my balls up in the air. a juggling act for sure.
and somewhere along the line i guess i just let it all go.
because all of a sudden it fell apart.
i swear...
i didn't have hope. cuz i knew better. not anything against you, i just happen to know that nothing lasts forever.
i didn't have any expectations. but i had played in my head the scenario of you calling it quits. either one of you.
but let me say,
to hear the words come out of your mouth was another thing ENTIRELY.
it didn't shock me cuz ive gotten myself used to the idea a little. and i...expected it? wow, that doesn't sound good.
however, i think its true.
and yeah, in a couple days, or maybe even hours, you might take them back.
but id lay money on the fact that you'll say them again.
gosh, you had better not read this! it will not end well for me.
however, a little bit of a challenge might just push you in the right direction.
but i don't want you to force anything. i don't want you to work things out if you don't REALLY want them worked out.
wow. i dont know what to say without being reallyyyy mean. so forget it.
lets just say...
this whole "vacation" isn't all its cracked up to be so far.
we had one heck of a start.
and im sure, its only bound to get better... :T

Friday, September 2, 2011

Im not gonna let your words of fire burn me any longer.
Im just not.
love is knowing someone still cares for you even when they don't sound like it.
love is sticking by a person throughout everything.
love is understanding that just because a person is having a bad day, doesn't mean that anything changes in YOUR relationship with that person.

but im insecure. when i sense trouble, i immediately assume its about our relationship. and no matter what that person is talking about, i get worried.
and i shouldn't even be worried.
because i just realized something.
i have said things like, "always and forever, my best friend, i love you," etc.
and one of 2 things has happened.
either someone said it and so i felt the need to reciprocate it, even if i didn't mean it.
or i meant it with all of my heart.
but the other person...didn't feel the same way.
needless to say, i don't have a single standing past relationship. i mean, yeah, they are all in the past.
you know how they say some people come into your life for a reason, others for a season?
well i guess ive experienced both.
but the people that came for a reason, left once they found what they were looking for.
and the whole season thing...veryyy self explanatory.
anyways, so yeah, ive said the things we are saying to each other.
and thus far, it hasn't worked out, those relationships haven't.
BUTTT!!! all of a sudden it hit me!
we are both, for the, we are both fighting for the same thing here!!
you don't wanna lose me, and i don't wanna lose you!!!
we are honest with each other. the kind of honest i have only ever been with someone once the relationship was over and i knew i wouldn't have to face them anymore.
and, we are even more honest than that!!
this just...might work. because the whole situation is different.
and yet i am still basing it on the past. my past.
but the truth is, and i know this, that imma kill our relationship because im holding on too.dang.tight.
but, as much as i try and i pray and i cry and...
i just cant seem to let go! if anyone is reading this, and you know how to let go...please tell me.
honestly, i don't want to lose the one person that means the most to me :/
its kind of ironic, im holding on this tight so i DONT lose them.
but in the process of trying NOT to lose them, im gonna kill our relationship.
and, in fact, lose them

once again, i was fooled. stupid.stupid.stupid girl. because i regret everything i shared with you and just...everything. cuz its gone now. and it was a lie while it lasted.
i KNOW i shouldnt feel like this.
i KNOW i should just
i KNOW these things....
but i dont feel them.
what i FEEL...
is lost. broken...again. sick&tired. 
and most of all?
like...i trusted you!!
do you even huge that is?
for me?
i DO NOT trust easily. i knew you for less than a week! and i told you my BIGGEST secret.
yeah. nowww im wishing i hadnt.
but of course...little too late.
at least...i have ONE person i can still trust and can still count on <3 well...and God <3

Thursday, September 1, 2011

"What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful." <3

Also my facebook status currently. Because its something that rings true for me right now.
"What you FEEL is what you are..."
Well, maybe not entirely. But what you feel DEFINITELY plays a part in how you see yourself.
And i don't feel beautiful. I also, dont see myself as beautiful.
I think not.
What I FEEL is what i am. Sorta.
I know in God i am more than all this. But....
the way i view things, the way i see things, definitely plays a role in my perception of myself.
"And what you are is beautiful."
I always...seem to forget that part. or i leave it out. or i brush it off because "its not true for me"....
but...It is!!
Im not trying to sound conceited or vain because, believe me, its not like that. Not even close....
But it is just as extreme...
just in the opposite direction.
so therefore, i don't see myself as beautiful.
just how it is.
but wait! What does that second part say?
"What you are is beautiful."
Its true. and im gonna make myself believe it.
"For you're fearfully and wonderfully made."
I am gonna make myself believe this. Because its.true.
I have this fear...of becoming vain.
but for crying out loud i seriously have NO self confidence!
In any area!!
And its more than just this beauty thing...
if i were to choose one word to describe how i feel it would be this:
This spans to sooo many different parts of my life.
For example...
i feel unworthy of love.
i feel unworthy of feeling beautiful.
i feel unworthy of a cute guy's stare.
i feel unworthy of a best friend...especially the one i have...
i feel unworthy of anyone sticking around.
i feel unworthy of being successful.
i feel unworthy of....being worth anything...
but i don't even feel this way for a particular reason.
except that ive basically taught myself that this is how it is.
im just not worth it.
my opinions aren't worth sharing. my voice isn't worth hearing. its like, all my life....
ive been teaching myself this.
and ive been hearing it too.
honestly i have ALLOWED myself to be put down by basically...everyone.
its no longer something i think they even feel bad about.
i have put myself down too.
and so, i mean honestly, how can, after all these years of this kind of treatment and behavior, how can a girl even expect to have even an ounce of self confidence left?!
yeah...she cant. she cant expect it and she cant have it.
but....she can find it again.
she can learn to love herself.
she can learn to believe in herself.
she can learn.
i will learn. <3

my heart. right there <3
"Im healing but its takin so long..." <3

well isn't that just the understatement of the century. or, at least, the moment.
honestly, healing is more of a process than i ever anticipated.