Monday, August 22, 2011

ahhh summer.has.just.been.crazy.
honestly, i don't know if i have ever had as crazy a summer as this one!!
and the sad part is, i didn't even DO much!!
but it was a very emotional summer. a very emotional year actually.
but this summer especially has been...a roller coaster.
and then theres a bunch of drama i had to deal with....grr...
i hate drama.
it nearly tore me apart. honestly my poor heart is so shredded right now.
but God has blessed me with someone who is helping me keep it all together. someone who is helping me to repair all the damage ive caused and allowed to be caused to my heart.
its hard. it really is!! and i love my best friend so much. im scared to lose her. im scared to be as vulnerable as im being with her.
in case no one has guess, judging from my last few posts ;) lol
but i
ive trusted so many more people...whats one more?
and the thing is, ive trusted people i should NOT have trusted.
but she has proven, time and time again, that she is worthy of my trust.
im gonna kill our relationship if i don't learn to just trust her. because our relationship is BASED on trust.
and if i cant learn to let myself do that....
im so scared. i keep giving this to God, but i also feel like i keep taking it back...
i have serioussss issues!! ://
but im learning.
i just...don't want you to be another casualty of my learning a lesson.
(*deep breath) we WILL get through this. im so scared. im holding on and letting go at the same time. holding onto us and my faith and letting go of my issues and fears and control.
im giving it to God. again. i pray i wont take it back this time.
but thats not even it. its like....i just lost someone. i think that really scared me.
and im in the process of losing someone else.
except that, in this case, im the one who looks like the bad guy. im the one letting go. i could probably make things work, yes.
i just don't want to anymore. i feel like its been too much, it will never be the same and..
i just give up.
im sorry. but i do. and MAYBE, if we could be fighting for the same thing, it would be worth a shot. but we couldn't be. we wouldn't be.
so we wont be.
but that aside, yes, i just lost someone...someone i got too close with too fast. i let them inside to who i really was and i shared things with them i now regret sharing.
basically, camp was one big regret. but ill get to that later.
let me just end by saying that i feel like everything is falling apart all around me. and people keep telling me things will work out....
and i keep watching things doing the EXACT.opposite.
omg.  i just realized something. THIS i think imma tell her.
i typed up this longggg thing about how i was feeling but i knew somewhere inside me that i didn't want to send it to my best friend. however, i do think she ought to know this....

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