Sunday, July 31, 2011

Yeah i know ive had a lot of posts today but...

I am sick of being held captive. You know how you have that one thing in your life that you just cant get free of?
Well, I do.
And i want freedom so badly i can taste it.
But whenever i try to achieve it, whoever i try to reach for it, i get so close...
and then something yanks me back down.
And i just lay there. I feel sorry for myself. And then i look up and i see the Hand that was there for me the whole time. 
But I either didn't see the Hand or chose to not grab it, and THAT is the reason i fell.
Because in my selfishness, i thought i could do it on my own. Or i thought i didn't need help. 
Or i thought help wasn't there.
Or, lets be real honest, sometimes the "right thing to do" isn't the thing you want to do at all.
And so you choose to let yourself be drug under.
For me, one of the weakest times for me is when i am throwing a pity party. Because in that moment i am so far from God, that i am an easy target.
But i am so sick and tired of this!!
I WANT to be free. I want to not be held captive another second longer.
I need Someone to set me free.
I cant set myself free. My friends and family cannot set me free.
Only God can do it.
I'm reaching for Your Hand...that is...if You'll still take me.
But the best part?
Is i know He ALWAYS will. <3

Failures brought to light, grace shining through the night.

Okay, so i have to get something out on here. As you all know, i treat this thing like my journal. Well, im pretty frustrated about something, so my journal/blog is gonna hear about it...mostly because i don't know what else to do with these feelings.

I am not ashamed to be a Christian. I love my God. And i am perfectly fine with people knowing that. I want to live my life in a way that just reflects Christ's Love. So that people look at me and go, ya know, theres something different about her.
Im not there yet, but thats my goal.
However, as much as i want certain people to know about God...
And it bothers me so much to sit by and watch it happen.
For ONE reason. Or maybe there is more. I don't know. Lets explore this.
First off, BECAUSE IT TURNS PEOPLE OFF!!! You cant just walk around and shove this thing in peoples faces. And, sometimes, they are looking for advice. Like, real advice. Not that God isn't real. He is for sure. Hands down. But....sigh.
And i know of people that will disagree with me on this.
But, while i believe you should pray in and about everything, sometimes a situation ACTUALLY CALLS FOR ACTION!
Thats the point i was trying to make that night. Yes, God is enough. Yes God is always there and ready to listen. Yes, God can take away any pain you have and replace it with His Joy.
BUT!! He doesn't always. Life isn't like, oh lets pray and everything will all be better.
Come on. Really?
I am one for prayer. But i am also one for action. When a situation requires action, then lets pray AND act.
And yet your response to everything is a prayer or a Bible verse.
And i love that you are so willing to share that. And i am absolutely one hundred percent sorry if this offends anyone. But i am all down backing down from what i believe just because other people don't like it. I have hidden my morals for so long that it honestly took a while for me to find them again.
But, for the most part, ive got them back. I have something to fight for. And im gonna stand up no matter if the whole world is sitting down.
I stand up against abortion. I stand up against abuse. I stand up against prejudice.
And i stand up against Bible beating.
Because you cant come at someone like that.
I should know.
And part of why this brothers me so much...well its two-fold really.
One is that it reminds me of someone. Someone who is at the BIGGEST hypocrite, both religiously and otherwise, that i have ever met in my LIFE!!
And i will never be like her.
SHE is the reason people are turned off to Christianity.
And i don't feel the slightest bit of guilt in saying this because its true. I wanted to like her. And for a a lot of years i did. I actually looked up to her. At one point, (and im ashamed to admit this) but i was LIKE her.
But im not anymore. I love my God but i WILL NOT shove Him down your throat. And you want to know why?
Because then you choke on Him. And you don't want Him because, guess what, when something hurts you, when something scares you, you are afraid to go back to it.
And i don't blame you. But i don't want that for you either.
The other reason i am turned off by this kind of "preaching" is because *I* was preached at like this. And i hated it. I felt like someone was literally cramming this down my throat. I couldn't breathe. And so i ran away from it. Something i had known my whole life, something i had loved my whole life, and someone started pushing it and forcing me. I was forced to go to youth group and to church. When i would be forced to read my Bible (even a couple weeks ago. I read my Bible. Every morning. Its how i start off my day.) but when you come around and you start FORCING these things, i choke and i run.
For a long time, and i know this was MY choice, but for a long time i stayed far away form God. I felt like HE was the reason things went so sour in my life. And i felt like Christianity was hypocritical. I cannot even recall the specific circumstance.
But i can still feel it.
I remember the night she facebooked me. It was the last time she ever got to do that. We are now not friends and blocked each other.
But i remember the last night she did it. I sat there and my blood felt like it was LITERALLY. BOILING.
I have never felt angrier in my life.
And from that moment on i vowed to NEVER be like her. I was a real Christian. And i know i am not to judge her. But she was (by her own actions and even some words if i recall) The Perfect Christian. And, since we all know those don't exist, but the closest thing we have is a pharisee...
Yup. Hypocrite.
And thats what she was. Everything in her last note to me was hypocritical. I almost screamed when i read it. Every sentence made me angrier and angrier until i thought i wad going to explode.
I was typing a response when she blocked me.
Real mature.
But from there i just KNEW i wouldn't be like that.
And what im watching happen isn't NEARLY as extreme.
But it still feels wrong to me.
And you can do things how you want. I will say nothing to your face. That is why im writing on here instead.
But i don't agree with what you're doing.
I feel ike you should befriend people. Really get to know them. Find out what they are after. And, when they come around to actually searching out answers, offer them one. THE One.
But don't push it.
Ya know, im not even angry typing this anymore. I am just...
Calm. And i stil dont agree with you.
But I know i can do, and WILL do, nothing about it.
Because its your choice.
However, i will do things my way.
Im just curious as to what will work.
And maybe you are right. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Because i am often wrong. I sit here and i am not claiming to be perfect. In fact, i am claiming quite the opposite. I KNOW that i am full of flaws and failures and imperfections.
But i am also full of Perfection.
Jesus is the ONLY Perfect thing within me.
And HE is what i want shining out. And so yes, i share my failures. Because, in failure and falling, shines mercy and grace.
Sometimes, in imperfection, you find the most Perfection.
THAT is what i want people to see.
I don't WANT to have to shove it down your throat.
I want my actions to radiate His Love.
I am so honored and humbled that He would allow me, in all my imperfection, to actually illuminate His Love.
And that is all i will say. Because I want to SHOW it, more than SAY it. And besides...
I think this post is long enough! ;)

Journal Entry.

Jul 7, 2011-
(One week after camp)

"Camp…was amazing. (Insert name) is amazing. But then i get back here…
And i begin to doubt all of that. I doubt the times we had. The experiences. Like they never actually happened?
Mostly, i think i doubt her.
God, why do i always do this?!
It happened. I was there. But then i get back…
& I do this.
& its not just with her.
I doubt everyone.
Why…why is it so hard for me to trust?Why is it so hard to trust the people that deserve it?
I have NO problem trusting people i shouldn't!

God…please help me to trust…starting with You…<3mp"

Is it possible though, that i knew what i was doing? When i decided to…
Oh my gosh.
And here i am whining about her doing…the EXACT. SAME. THING.
I have nothing else to say.

Blessings in disguise, You pull me back and open my eyes.

As i stare outside at the green trees; at the endless blue sky that i just want to fall into; im reminded that everyday holds the potential for beauty. Im reminded of second chances. Im reminded that God is there. He is always there.
And He created this day for us! He created everything for us!
And in this moment my selfish desires and sinful desires are set aside. I don't feel them overpowering me, as they can sometimes do.
In this moment....i feel God.
And im not gonna lie, its been a while since i could truly say that.
But no matter, because i can now :)
You know, in this moment i was tempted to focus on the negatives. Im sick, im missing church, and now i have to babysit my little brothers on top of that.
But, almost subconsciously, my brain stopped and said "focus on the positives". Like, i seriously didn't have to think!
And i have 2 people to thank for that. God for sure, because all Good things come from Him.
And a special blogging friend :) Who, if she reads this, she will know. <3
Like, wow! I was just....amazed.
And then i pull back the curtains and literally, it was like God's Mercy just streamed in, intermixed with the rays of sunshine that He has blessed us with today.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Expressions of love and uncertainty lost in the mix of everyday life and simplicity. Hate to throw in my confusion and mess everyone up.

i wanna cry. i wanna sing. i want there to be some way for me to express these emotions inside of me. But i want it to be in a dignified manner. because yes, i can let the shower water wash away my tears. And i can let them fall free when i am alone. But i want some way to communicate what i feel. And i wont cry for you. Not because crying is weak. But because, where im from, crying is a form of manipulation. It is used to make someone feel bad enough or guilty enough, to get them to give in to whatever you ask. 
Thats not how i handle things. If i want something, you will hear the request come out of my mouth or you wont hear about it at all.
And while my words are often put more eloquently on paper, that does not make them any less real, does it?
And yet words are not accredited the same as tears. 
But no, my tears are my own. They are shared with only a few. Not because other people are unworthy to see them, but because they are mine. They are personal. They are shared with those to whom they don't have to be explained. 
So there will be no crying. 
But i want to sing that song with such raw emotion, that everything inside of you says, "she means what she says". No manipulation. No lies. No guilt trips. 
Just honesty.
And then don't judge me for it.
Dont freak out. I have dealt with it this long. So allow me to continue dealing with it. 
Then what, you may ask, is the point of you knowing? Well, to be honest, i don't share my feelings well. if anyone reads this blog you are probably confused by that because, as you are probably fully aware, this blog is full of thoughts and emotions and feelings. 
BUT...this blog is the only place i am free to do that. And for a while i thought i wasn't even free to do it here. And so i went through and erased about 20 posts. Because the safety of this was threatened.
Honestly, im like that with people. If i feel safe with you, i will invest all of me into you. Not so much as to scare you off (although i have done that before, thats why i know now to reign it in), but me. You get me. But the second that security i feel with you is threatened, or is no longer there, i pull back. Because in the same manner that i would not put myself in danger physically, i will not stay emotionally with someone that i cant feel safe with anymore.
Oh goodness i don't even know if im making sense here. its been a long day and my head is all stuffy from being sick!! But i know these thoughts and feelings are real. Parts of who i am again.
Even if they only make sense to me.

ps. i thought they made sense to you. i thought I made sense to you. and now....gosh i feel like im on a boat in a storm, about to be thrown overboard any minute. And while going into the water would pretty much kill everything we have, staying on the boat, rocking back and forth, never knowing what will happen making me pretty sick. And im not sure how much longer i can do this either.
Just had to say.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Today is the first day...of the rest of our lives...the past is in the past, the future's in my eyes...

I am done trying to figure people out. Its just going to be what it is. Anyone that cant accept me for me doesn't deserve to have me in their life. And its not cuz i think i am just like this amazing person that everyone wants to have in their lives. But because i do know i am worth more than some stupid game.
And maybe you do love me and maybe i do mean something to you. Or maybe i just did.
But regardless, that doesn't spill over into right now. And right now...
you just don't seem to care. Its like, everything we gone. Its just not here anymore and i cant keep holding onto the dream that someday it will come back.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

"Maybe i was meant to be left behind..."

I just don't know where to turn. Because i feel like everywhere i turn winds up being a dead end, but i don't know until im in too far, and ive wasted my time.
Thats all a metaphor, of course. But its what my life feels like. I am sorry. I am sorry to have to keep typing this all on here. But really, where else do i go? 
My heart….hasn't hurt like this in a long time.
It brings me back years ago. Back through all sorts of pain. Right on the tip of when life stopped being easy. 
To when i lost my best friend. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.
But what scares me even more, is that it could happen again.
Than to let myself start caring again.
I knew better than to get attached.  
But do i ever ACT on what i know?!
So i let myself fall into something again. I shared myself with people. People that could hurt me. Can hurt me.
Why? Why did i do that? And i could say that it was something i did in a moment of weakness. But i actually think it was strong. 
I know, i cant believe i did something strong either. 
But i really do think its more strong than it is weak to let someone inside. Someone that could hurt you which is basically anyone. 
Because people are, well…

But we fought last night. Well…it wasn't really a fight. But it was awkward and tense. And you were upset. Not with me. But it kind of came out on me. You and I both know it.
But now everything is fine.
Im not really worried about us.
But her…
I feel like we fought today, but who really knows?! 
You are extremely sarcastic, much like me, but it can be hard to differentiate between sarcasm and truth over texts and twitter.
Sighhhh…. But the truth is i kind of knew this would happen. Everyone that gets to know me, leaves me. 
Its just how it is. And yet, i let you get to know me.
I don't even know why. 
I didn't need to.
And the weirdest thing is how little i really KNEW you…
and yet i honestly feel like we've known each other for so long.
I cant believe i trusted you so fast.
Grrrr….i have 2 minutes to finish this….never mind, ill do it on my ipod…hang on-…
ADN, its like, especially with you, i always have to know when to show emotion, when to hold back…
its like everything in life  is a game.
but i am just so sick of playing!
i want something real. something that'll last. something that isn't…
always left up to chance. not a guessing game.
and i feel like i have to have my guard up 
I get hurt otherwise. Recently, i made a good friend. At camp actually. I shared things with her and she shared things with me. We knew each other for a handful of days and yet something made us trust each other. which is weird for both of us, cuz we have trust issues.
but now…. i am mostly just scared i think. because, literally, everyone in my life that has gotten close to me, has left me.
and i have another friend…i cant tell if im bugging her either. i asked my camp friend yesterday on the ride to chicago. we were texting and i asked her if she was getting sick of me. i almost cried. 
i just miss how things used to be. when we were at camp we had these amazing conversations. and now that we are back it all feels so….surface level. and i hate that. i hate feeling like i have to try to figure out what is "safe" to say. its like talking to my old best friend. well, not quite that bad. anyways, its just not the same, but i want it to be. And also, she doesn't share her feelings well. she is like me in that respect. well, i share mine through writing but thats about it. i don't walk around crying and telling the world my problems and neither does she. but neither one of us know how to show love either. cuz we keep everything inside.
we've learned thats the only way to live, and not get burned.
but now here i stand and i burn someone else. i am not trying to, but i don't know how to stop. 
what is the best way to go about this? either way im a jerk. i know. 
i don't want to break anyone. at all. ever. and yet i am. i am breaking myself. but i am making a rational decision. i am not fighting fire with fire or anything of that nature. I just cant do this anymore. 
i just cant. but i lie and say that i can.
because i don't know what else to do.
how do you end something without breaking and hurting and scarring someone?
Yeah. I know its not possible either.
so, in the process of complaining about getting hurt, i end up hurting someone else?
Great. what does that make me?
But i don't know…
So why am i feeling like this?! Why does this wave of emotion choose today to wash over me?!
I smiled. I had a good time. It wasn't fake. But it wasn't the whole truth either.

Im haunted by the scars you left behind.
deeper than can be erased by time
guess im stuck with them for the rest of my life
thank you so much for coming by

and the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time

my hearts been drug down
been beaten bruised and turned inside out
and then you left it and just when i got it bandaged up and bound
----you came back around

and the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time

i suppress things until i can suppress no more
i hurt in ways you'd never know
my heart is far beyond torn
i just hold things in until they explode
and then im left
to clean up the mess
and make empty hallow promises
like "ill never do that again"

but the second i believe im okay
is the second you decide to show your face
and then i get used to things being this way
and you decide to make your get away
why cant you just make up your mind
you're hurting me and it hurts to lie
and say im fine
…all the time
I cant continue to lie
and keep everything inside
i cant keep up with this and i
im getting sick of faking it all the time….<3

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Why is it that something that should make you feel so whole, can make you feel so empty?
Why do i have to question every good thing that comes my way?
I think its because i don't trust that anything good could actually come to ME.
And if it does, i assume its by mistake. Because someone always comes by to correct the mistake.
And takes the good thing and give it to whoever it was supposed to go to in the first place.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

i dont wanna wake up one day, just to hear you say....its over.

-Its been too long. Im in too deep. If he lets go now. Of this secret that he keeps. He swears it'll be. His very last straw. And then the blame falls to me. For not believing him all along.-

I don't know what to make of this. Somedays, it feels like a plot. A trick. A scheme. And i wouldn't say this except we have been down this road before.
But then there are days that it feels so real. And i don't know what to do. I feel bad for ever NOT believing him. And in that moment, nothing feels more real, or more frightening.
I swear when he ran out that door i thought he was never coming back. Thank God for people that had the common sense to go after him.
Because i just froze. And that scares me too. That in a moment like that, i would freeze.
Regardless, he is here now.

I just don't know. I am just so mind-locked. I cant even think. This whole thing is so new to me. I am used to talking people through things, but when he needs action....
and he needs it from someone else.
See, the HARDEST part of this, is that he doesn't need it from me. *I* am not what he is after. Which is FINE! But the girl he wants it from cant and wont give it to him. And i don't blame her. Thats not it at all. She isn't ready and all these other things. Her reasons are legit.
But is his threat?
Because that outweighs everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Not that she should give in. Not that she should do something she is uncomfortable with.
But *THAT* takes precedence over anything else.
Oh, how i wish....
but i wont even bother. Wishes cant make this better. Wont change anything.
wasting my time typing on here wont make this better either. but i just don't know what else to do. where to turn. whether to believe this or not. but i guess i should. cuz in the end, ill regret it more...if i don't.
but if im saying i believe him...
then i need to act.
and i don't know how ......

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Summer Love, Summer Dreams, Summer Smiles.

Such an amazing time. I never want it to end. This summer is significant because its the last summer i will end by going back to high school.
But i am soaking up every second of it. I love sun. I love AC. Seriously. And i think part of that is that i don't have it in my room, so i love hangin out in the family room and just chillin in it :)
I love my friends. And, since receiving some very sweet and unexpected encouragement, i have picked back up my guitar and am singing again. And writing. <3 <3
I made a new amazing friend at camp! One that i am talking to even as i write this! She is amazing and i love her!!
I am starting to figure out who my real friends are.
I am learning to trust. And to let go.
I am learning to stand up and be strong. No more ridiculous pity parties for me! And, when im feeling weak, i ask God to stand strong through me. So that HE may be victorious over Satan.
I am contemplating going after my dream...something i have always been TERRIFIED to do. But more and more i see it as the course marked out for my life. At one point, i was holding on so tight. It was kind of the part of my life that i wouldn't give over to God. Because i was scared He wouldn't let me do it.
And then all of a sudden i found myself giving it up. But i wasn't just handing it to God...i had almost thrown it out.
But i feel like the saying is true. Let it go and if it comes back its always been yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
I let go. And it came back. I think God wanted me to stop holding on so tight and just give it over to Him.
So far, my summer has been pretty good. And, this is the good stuff. There has been some not so good stuff. But it wont be in this post. Just know that im not trying to pass my life off as perfect. Ha! Its far from that. But i am in a good mood and i feel like i need an uplifting post on here for once! <3