Second Chance

fall leaves fallin and crunching under my feet every step i take

i'd walk 150 miles to come see you if  i knew what difference it would make

but ill tell the truth im scared to see you

just when i think ive done all the damage i could possibly do

broken every heart that stood in my path

i had to get to you no matter the cost

when i lay down tonight to reminisce, ashamed im sure ill be

i remember standin in front of you 

next thing i know we're screamin

i'd have slapped me if i were you

lookin back now i almost wish you wouldn't have just taken it like the man you are

sure that proved nobility i'd be lying to say you dont have the purest heart

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

2 years of workin up the nerve 

ruined in 2 minutes of hate laced words

i pulled you on the bridge stepped off and broke it to pieces

let you fall into the chasm as i stood watchin

i know what i did was unforgiveable

if i had the chance for a do over

do you think i'd take it

no, now you think i hate you

baby i know i made you think that

it takes a lot of nerve comin back

if you wanna yell thats fine

i deserve it i wont wimp out this time

i tell you say what you need to but you dont say anything at all

and i realize thats cuz i ran away before you even had a chance to even process it all

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

i know i might not get a second chance this time

i dont deserve it i know

i dont deserve nothin from you at all

baby… i'll cry but that wont ever be enough

i could so many tears id create a flood

but that would just sweep you away

you'd probably drown lookin at my face

and once again i'd be the death of you

and you'd die never knowin the truth

as it stands you still dont know

you let me yell and then you let me go

and that is all my fault 

i took this way too far

and…im sorry

those 2 words never seemed so heavy

i carried them all this way just to say to you baby

but i'd do it all again

i'd do anything just to be forgiven

but you say "you already did enough"

then you slam the door to your house

and im left alone again still hatin myself for what i did to you

im not askin you to love me cuz that i have no place to do

i just want you to know how much im sorry

and i miss you every day more and more

my fists hit the table in pain from the memories i want it to all disappear

i really wish i could just take back all the hate i spelled in fear

i didnt mean to hurt you i was scared and hurt myself

i wouldn't care this much if i'd have hurt anyone else

but do you know what it took to get to that place

and then i ruined it all screamin in your face

you didnt have to take it but it the way you did showed real maturity

and even now as im wishin you'd have stood up to me

i know why you did what you did and thats what ive always loved about you

i just wished i could've proven

what i came there to show you wasn't how mean, i could be

cuz that was meaner than, i've ever been

and to think the one i love was the one who walked away with a knife in his back

i should've been this partner protectin him from attacks

watchin his back

not stabbin him with his own spear 

he said he loved me and i threw it back in his face

and now i have the nerve to wish he was still here

when i was the one  who messed things up in the first place

my behavior was outta line

baby, i know i don't deserve a second chance this time

<3

"come on, come on, don't leave me like this, i thought i had you figured out!!"

"you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all this time, never ever thought i'd see it break...."

how could he know? how could he have any idea? and how is this possibly fair? 

yea, maybe i am blowing this waaaaay outta proportion. maybe. it would be typical of me. i need to get away. i need to think about this. i'm remembering last year. it was a few days before Christmas actually. i wrote some songs. haha, surprised?? 

but i remember how i felt. and suddenly, this is all just washing over me again. all those horrible feelings. i was scared and confused....how do you feel? do you even know? do you have any idea that your whole world might just fall apart...at any second…?

i wanna go sit on the swing in the park. pull my sweatshirt close but still be shivering. because, shivering, you feel more….literally. and i wish you were here so i could hug you. i just wish…i wish you knew i am here for you………i wish i could be here for you. i wish you were here…

it cant end like this. i thought they had it all so right. but you were never a stupid boy. i know you can see what is going on. better than i can, for sure, cuz i ain't even there. but…its like i can see it. and everybody was laughing tonight. i didn't see the hilarity. its not funny. not when its happening to you, not when its happening to anyone. or even has the chance of happening….especially someone close to you… . its just not funny and i know you know it. it hurts. hurts like nothing else can hurt. this is more than the scraped up knee that was a result of learning to ride your bike. this is life. and it likes to hit you hard.

a million and one, reasons why, when you deserve none, all you ever gave me was lies,

its been a while since my last post...but fear not, for i have been writing... :)
haha. and i have been listening to taylor swift obsessively!! i absolutely adore her music! :)
but i think the reason i havent been writing much is maybe because i am just feeling too much all at once..? maybe..? "but i took your matches, before fire could catch, so don't look mad..." <3 ahhh, i just love randomly quoting taylor :P "dear john, i see it all now that you're gone, don't you think i was too young to be messed with, the girl in the dress cried the whole way home, you should've known..."
beautiful song :)
but anyways, back to my excuse...er, explanation for being awol lately...
i guess i am just feeling like a million and one things at once, and then again, i am feeling nothing because i can't. sometimes you just really feel like you have so much to feel...that you just...can't feel anymore....does this make any sense?? this is another reason i havent been posting much...i am feeling so much...if i tried to explain it, it would probably just come out in one great big jumbled mess....

"i just want...somebody to love me..."

i am just not letting myself feel right now. that's what this emptiness is, i think. i feel lonely, again. but saying that makes me feel like a broken record and i wanna scream at myself. this is...i am, so redundant!! argh! but what can i do about it? how does one change the circumstances they are given?? some are changeable, yes, but not all. and not this one. nothing i do can change this...except for maybe throwing myself at a guy. and even that i dont think would work. it wouldnt fill the hole inside me, only cover it or mask it temporarily. "Scared to let someone in, can't bear to get hurt again, but my body needs to feel a touch, someone come and wake me up..." yea, at one point i was scared. but now, i am simply desperate. sad, to look at that and know it is the honest truth. maybe this is why, for a season, i hid from the truth. because reality is ugly. my life looks so much more beautiful through fairytale tainted eyes.  i need someone. this is nothing new. something the season does, over and over again. its like, no fail. it never doesnt happen; that fall and winter visit and i feel lonely...never fails. love is only heartbreaking when its gone. it can be beautiful but at the same time...so destructive....<3

"all you're ever gonna be is mean"

there comes a point where you have to just stop trying to make a certain person happy. they are never gonna reach that point of liking you no matter what you do. they choose to not like you. it is something they do intentionally. "you, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me, you, have knocked me off my feet again, got me feelin like a nothin…" 

that is what they do. they mess with your head enough to get you to that point of basically feeling worthless. 

"You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation…" 

surprise, surprise. (please note the sarcasm ;)

they have to lie and they have to make things up because, typically, they don't have a logical reason to hate you. so they make something up.

 you, have pointed out my flaws again, as if i don't already see them…"

thanks. thanks for going there. 

"i walk with my head down. tryin to block you out, cuz i'll never impress you.."

ya know, there is a million other points i could make using this song. but…i am sick. i am sick of wasting time almost justifying this crud. you are such a waste of my time and energy. i will put my faith in Him and not let you get to me any longer. and ya know what? i will hold my head high and walk in with a smile on my face. i will be happy and charming and witty and everything that i am and always was and will be. everything you can't take away from me. (!!!!!!!!power cheer!!!!!!!!!) haha ;P thats right. thats me for ya. should've never wasted your time in the first place. you are a coward. you are insecure and just looking for someone to hate on. so your gaze landed on me. whatever. i can handle it. with HIm!  however…this does mean i need to pick up my Bible…something i am sooo awful at! but ya know what? i can do it. i will do it! goodbye. whether that means literally or just goodbye to letting you affect me. i wont let you make my decisions for me. but i appreciate the offer ;P haha…anyways, i just pray that i can keep this mentality up… <3 Jesus. He can help me. mute your words to me. make me blind to you in a good, protective way :)

"i feel empty but that may be because you have my heart..."

i love fall…usually. oddly enough, though, i really kinda wish it would just get on with it already!!…. which is so strange and out of character for me. its all just so beautiful and wonderful and…breathtaking. maybe thats the problem. its all so breathtaking and….

i just wanna breathe. 

i opened the curtains this morning and ate breakfast staring at the trees, gold and the dark tree limbs, already semi bare, making a stark contrast compared to the blue sky. which make it seem all the brighter and bluer. its tough…the colder seasons make me wish i wasnt alone. i erase, regretfully, the words of love. scribbled out on paper is my heart, for you. waiting, for you. but i am sick of walking around empty! i am sick of being alone, and empty because i have left my heart out for you to find it, even when it seems you never will. but there is nothing i can do! i am hurt and lonely. i need you and so i am willing to do whatever i have to  to even have a shot at you loving me back. because, then, only then, will i get my heart back, whole. <3 i love you. i need you here. to protect me. to just hold me. that is all i am asking for. you to love and hold and protect me. if i had you in my life, on my side, i feel like no one could ever hurt me. 

but…that's what God is for…right? i need to see that. i need to believe that. why should i still be longing for you when He is right here and can be everything i need? if, even with Him here, there is still people hurting me, how could it be any different or better with you? no…i need to make a decision for me. people are stupid and people are idiots and they are always gonna try and hurt you. i need to make a conscious decision to say, "no, you're not gonna hurt me!" and make it that way. 

maybe you can't solve all my problems, not the way i'm thinking anyways…..so if thats the truth, then why do i need you so much…?

wanted: a miracle

more like need. i need a miracle. actually, she does.

 ya know, i said the only thing i would go back up there for was you. and then, saturday evening i get home from work and my parents tell me to grab some things and get in the car. and then, that very night, we drive up there. but im not going to see you and i know it. i am going to see my great grandma. who is in the hospital, dying, they have given her 24 hours to live, and that is the thought that enters my mind. "you were the only thing i would go back up here for..." and then, just as is to be proven wrong, i am in the car, going to see my dying great grandmother. oh, and can i even tell you how that felt? of course, by the time we got to the hospital, my mind had completely changed directions. by the end i was crying and that kept up all weekend. i was pretty much OK when i wasn't there, but sitting in the waiting room nearly killed me. i was sitting there, so helpless. this is it. i knew it. everyone in there knew it too. it was really humbling. and you stayed off my mind for the next 48 hours or so. the crazy thing is, as much as i wanted to be there for her and i knew my mom wanted to be there for her grandma and i wanted her to be, and all that, i could not wait to get out of there. i mean, especially as i slept on the floor of her house with my whole family in that one room, no real blankets or cushioning. but it was more than the physical pain, cuz i knew i had nothing to say about that. i mean, she is laying in a hospital bed dying..i had nothing. but it was like, this feeling. in my inner core. i just did not want to be there. how pathetic is that? yea, i know...but that makes me wonder if i could come back for you?

no, wait a second. everything doesn't need to be about you. that kills me too. i always have to make everything about you. maybe its because you are my security. besides, thinking about you, is alot easier than thinking about someone dying... she needs a miracle. i know it. i am praying hard, but its still sooo hard to believe...i miss her already. and i know there are people that miss her millions of times more than me.
so i just started praying for a miracle. i could think of nothing else to pray for. i mean, we all want her here, but we want her to be comfortable and happy. so i am praying for a miracle. i was told that "no one is very optimistic", but i choose to be. who knows what'll happen? but either way i want to know i gave her all i had.

"i made sure

the last words she heard

were "i love you"

then i kissed her goodbye

and i walked out cuz i

i didn't know what else to do

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

someone says you're sick of fighting

and i know this is the best decision for you

but you should've seen none of us could stop crying

i hope you know we are all already missin you

its hard… we're here watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

this might've been

my last chance

to say everything i needed you to hear

my mind knows what's best

but my heart likes what's easiest

but that route wasn't to be found.. anywhere

and its definitely hard… watchin this all happen

we know we're powerless, it's really humbling

it's scary… but i know it's really what you wanted

i'm feeling now, no more numbing

and i walked away, held my breath

i don't know if i'll see you again

"i will miss you. i love you. and i know i will see you again one day, even if you pass away" it just makes me wish that it didnt always take a death to bring people together. i wish we didnt always have to wait until its almost too late, to finally realize...

i am sorry, just so you know...i know these words will never be enough, but they're all i've got...

"your guard is up and i know why
because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind
you gave me roses, and i left them there to die
so this is me swallowin my pride standin front of you sayin im sorry for that night
and i go back to december all the time..."

how perfect. how true. can i say i'm sorry? i have a tendency to mess things up with everyone close to me everyone i care about. how that rings true again. and i dont have the time to get into this. i hate that but i dont. i have places to be things to do and...im sorry. i'll leave you with that but know i never wanted to leave you with anything...i never wanted to leave you at all..

it's coming together, i can see it right in front of me :)

haha, ok so first let me say i realize most of my October posts have been song lyrics. haha, i apologize for that! there's been some exciting things happening in my life. i am..well, excited! i have really just had like, a change of heart. i can feel it. i can see it in the new way i see everything. in the way i am just happier, and more accepting of the way things are...<3 i am in love!! with the One who will never change His mind :)  i'm really not in the mood for a stupid superficial relationship right now. i mean, i'd like a real, meaningful, lasting one, but...its like, for the first time in a long time, my life feels full enough to not need someone. i have my Bestest Friend, my family, and several other great people in my life... :)

and i am about to make a difference. er, rather, He is about to make a difference. using me. or so it looks. 

but i have a fear (ok, maybe more than one!) and i will admit it to you. i am afraid that after all of this, its never gonna happen. nothing will ever happen. that just seems to be the pattern my life takes...maybe i need to do something... maybe nothing ever happens because i let it not happen...hmmm.... all i know is i am, if i may be real honest for a second, i am really sick of getting my hopes up, a plan drawn out...only to surrender before the war even starts. but even as i am typing this i can hear something telling me that maybe the reason those plans never worked cuz they weren't supposed to. maybe if i would stop making my own plans, step back from the drawing board and hand Him the marker, maybe i would get somewhere. i think i get it....

"to get anywhere in life, sometimes you gotta try.." and sometimes you gotta let go. stop trying to make things work and just let it be. let Him lead. <3

Back To December- Taylor Swift

"I'm so glad you made time to see me 

How's life tell me how's your family, 

I haven't seen them in a while, 

You've been good, busier than ever, 

Small talk work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why, 

Because the last time you saw me,

Still burned in the back of your mind, 

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right,

I go back to December all the time

These days i haven't been sleeping, 

Staying up playing back myself leaving, 

When your birthday passed and I didn't call,

And I think about summer all the beautiful times 

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized i loved you in the fall,

And then the cold came

the dark days when fear crept into my mind,

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night 

And i go back to December all the time. 

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind,

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin,

Your sweet smile,

So good to me, so right, 

And how you held me in your arms that September night 

The first time you ever saw me cry, 

Maybe this is wishful thinking, 

Probably mindless dreaming,

But if we loved again i swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but i can't, 

So if the chain is on your door i understand

But this is me swallowing my pride 

Standing in front of you saying im sorry for that night 

And i go back to December. 

It turns out freedom aint nothing but missing you, 

Wishing I'd realized what i had when you were mine, 

I go back to December turn around and make it all right, 

I go back to December turn around and change my own mind, 

I go back to December all the time

All the time..."

my heart. right there. speaks volumes. and i couldn't tell you exactly why right now, but i love it and i'm gonna go figure out how to play it :)

God is so good. sometimes we overlook that. but today it's jumpin in my face :)

can i just say i LOVE God?? yea, cuz i do! i love seeing a plan come together. it feels unexplainably great to not have to do all the work. to really not have to do anything at all!! things are working out in a way that i could've never dreamed. <3 it's all just so crazy! i have been praying that God would just use me...and i really feel like He is about to!! ahhhhh! :D i am sooo happy if you couldn't tell! and, yes, in case you were wondering, a smallish part of me is still holding on to my dream. i would be lying to say that i'm not still wishing. but... like i'm content too. does that make sense?

"I wanna set the world on fire"

ok…so this is real huh? its funny. i am reading Corrie Ten Boom and my mind just keeps getting images. in the things she says, the things she does. and God…i know this isn't gonna be easy. her life certainly wasn't! …but they're worth it, aren't they? i can see it now!! things are always more real to me when i can actually see it. like in pictures and everything in my mind

"i wanna set the world on fire, till its burnin bright for you, its everything that i desire, can i be the one You use..? i, i am small but, You, You are big enough, I, I am weak but You, You are strong enough to, take my dreams, come and give them wings…Lord with You, there's nothing i can't do….i wanna feed the hungry children, and reach across the farthest land, and tell the broken there is healing, and mercy in the Father's Hands…" <3

i want to change people's lives. but anyone that knows me, knows that i have this massive music dream… but how would following that dream help anyone?? how would that make difference in ANYone's world?? yea…i don't know either…

well, ive got more to say, so i'll be back after school <3

"a pickup, some love, and an old country road for the night...."

crank up that radio.                   (chorus)
let your heartache go
baby lets not feel anything tonight
it's just you and i
and we've got, all the time in the world
or till the sun comes up
just a country boy and a country girl
tryin to sort things out
but i've found all you need sometimes
is a pickup, some love, and an old country road for the night

forget about the past
let's just make tonight last
as long as we can
i'm not sure i'll ever get to feel like this again
oh oh
the moon is high
those stars are dancin in the sky
and its just you and i
out here tonight

-chorus-

i'll bring my guitar
play under the stars
we'll sing a sweet melody
about life and love and losing
and when we're ready to let go
let the past leave us alone
 we'll crank that radio, oh whoa oh...

-chorus-

inspirations runnin high tonight
feelin so full i'm lovin life
let my hair down and i know
i ain't gotta, put on a show
his guitar and my voice
blendin together with the country noise....

-chorus-

haha, and yes, this song sprung from the title of the last post :P

all i need is a pickup, some love, and an old country road...

can i just take a minute and say, i am so blessed! just take a moment...and just breathe :)
the sun shining on my face, love all around me. i know my life is so much more than i could've ever created for myself. i know Someone is definitely at work here :)
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't know where to go from here but i know that in time i will understand. i know that He will point it out to me in His perfect timing. i am confused, and yet, at complete peace.

"take a moment
just breathe
take a look around
tell me what do you see
imperfections
make us who we are
new directions
just follow your heart

take a look around
you got your head in the clouds
feet so far from the ground
everything you see
everything you can be
don't let your future pass you by baby
life isn't easy
thats half the fun
hard, work's all it took to
get the job done
something to work for
makes it worth all the pain
it took to get there
and it doesn't matter if you forget to look there
's potential, everywhere

your dream
hold it in your hand
and let it go
whenever you get the chance
don't hide it away
you'll never get anywhere
if you don't open up your heart
if you ain't willin to share!

-chorus-

drop down
fall now
and then pick yourself up
don't expect perfect results
the first try
you know as well as i
it takes a lot
how much is it worth to you...??

-chorus-

there's potential, everywhere, baby, you'll see, it if you just open....your heart...." <3

Hopeless Love

so there is a million great opportunities.
so i sit in church thinking, "this is it! i want to do this. this is my calling. i am finally gonna make a difference!".
but i walk out...and go back to exactly what i was doing before...
nothing.
so i am inexperienced in a lot of ways.
so i am young, and still have a lot to learn.
does that mean i should sit around and do nothing?!? I think not!
where do my passions lie? Teens. people just like me. girls. i really have a heart for teenage girls. pregnancies, eating disorders, family issues, just TOUGH STUFF!! life isn't easy. i know that. im not pretending it is. this is one part of reality i will face, because SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE!! we can't all just sit by and blindly play along. who on earth is that helping?!
do you think that girl planned on getting pregnant at 17? some might argue that it was her choices that got to that point (most likely), and therefore the consequence she must deal with. and that is true. but...i don't care! i don't!  what is the point in being mad at her? what does it help to point out where she fell short? do you think she can't see that? and don't even get me started on the people that try to influence her to "take care of the 'problem'". seriously????? argh! i can't...i just can't stand that!
why do i always gravitate towards the teen pregnancy thing? i don't know really. that is one area i have absolutely NO experience, seeing as how i've never even dated a guy! but...it is important to me. i feel like God has really laid it on my heart. i really care for these girls. alone, broken, confused, hurt, scared... feeling like the have no options. other than the "easy way out", which, when you think about it, really isn't that easy after all.

"Innocence lost,
what a tragic thought
hopeless and confused
what if that was you
friendless and alone
with nowhere to go
wouldn't you want to know

-chorus-
Doesn't anyone care
is there anyone there
or am i just alone
where did everyone go
when did my life become such a mess
you know this mistake sure feels like a stain...
on the wedding dress

why can i still feel your hand
why did you say you'd be here when you obviously can't
why did you promise me
a life filled with comfort and safety
you told me to close my eyes and fall you'd catch me
it was when i hit the ground i knew you were lying
and i am ever so slowly dying
and i
i
-repeat chorus-

my believing in you
gave me reasoning to
give up my beliefs
give up my security
i feel into doing
things i really knew
were wrong
but you kept saying you loved me all along
but now when i look in the mirror
know i'm not beautiful like you told me
you only said what you thought i wanted to hear
or maybe it's true but why should i believe
knowing you only said it
to get me in bed it
doesn't mean that much to me anymore
and i just wish i could do over what we did before..."

speak the truth? or am i way off base...?

when you can't speak love, cuz there's nothing left to speak of

"i guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your warpath, lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind tryin to get it back, wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days, always a bigger bed to crawl into, wasn't it beautiful, when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you...?"

do you ever feel like you have messed up, to the point where you've just gone too far? like, there is no way to back up now. no way out. it's time to face the music. and for the first time in your life, you really wish you were 5 years old again. or maybe it's not the first time you've wished that. maybe you live your life wishing you didn't have to. living on the outside, dying on the inside. maybe you know someone like this. maybe you are like this. close your eyes. that's your fix all.

"who you are is not where you've been,

you're still an innocent...

who you are is not what you did,

you're still an innocent..."

i just found this new taylor swift song on youtube. rumored to be on her new album, and i hope it is. it touches me in a special way. listen to it! its good.

and its the truth.

nothing has the right to define you. except God. 

but what defines you, who defines you, when you don't know God? how hopeless does your situation feel to you? are you a Christian? can you imagine, if you as a  Christian feel this much pain, feel this hopeless, can you imagine how someone who doesn't know Jesus feels? how much more hopeless are they gonna feel? how much more hopeless do they feel? 

people say its ok. people say time will heal. people lie. 

"time turns flames to embers..."

there are somethings time can fix. but there are somethings time can never ever fix. only God can heal some hurts. and maybe in time you get over a lot of things, but...maybe they never really heal. you can only put on so many band-aids. and then there's some hurts, some wounds, that are too big and too deep to just be fixed with a band-aid. you break an arm, are you just gonna slap on a band-aid and call it fixed? no! so then why do we do that in life? 

"there's somethings you cant speak of, but tonight you live it all again, you wouldn't be shattered on the floor now, if only you would see what you know now then..."

life is hard. and anyone that tells you different is lying. lying to you, and, most likely, to themselves too. that makes life easier, or at least appear easier, to lie to yourself. but it catches up with you, eventually. it catches up to you and then...you can only run for so long. you are gonna get tired. you'll run out of energy, patience. you just get sick of the whole scene. "how much more of this can i take?!" you ask; yourself, God, anyone listening. how much more hopeless is the same situation, removing God? granted, when you're in this place, you may feel like God isn't there anyways. you might be questioning whether He ever was there. Or if He was simply a fairytale. something that comforted you and made you feel better, when the problem was small, but when your problem becomes to big for fairytales, when you hit that wall and you finally have to face reality, you might feel like God is nowhere to be found. you might feel like He must have just been one of those things, there only in your mind. on better days you know better. but what about those people that don't know better? what about, no matter how happy their life might be right now, they still don't know better? what about those people that, in the middle of their darkness, can't even grasp that small fragment of Light that they knew was there once upon a time, because it was never there? or better put, they never knew it was there. 

yes, in the middle of your darkness you start to question. but God is still there. just because you can't see Him, it's usually because we don't want to see Him. which sounds stupid...till you're there. it sounds stupid because you think, right now, that if you were ever in that place, that you would NEED God, so much more than ever before. and thats true. but...when you get to that place sometimes you tell yourself that God was what got you into this mess and you can get yourself out, thank you very much. you listen as the enemy, the one who loves to see you suffer, whispers death in your ear. he tells you that God messed you up. drug you all the way out here just to leave you alone to die. lies. its all lies. but we don't always see that. not right away, anyways. 

what if you can't forgive yourself. "there's somethings you can't speak of, but tonight you live it all again.." you have messed up waaaay too much. no one could ever love you. heck, you don't even love you. its crazy. it hurts. its stupid and its messed up but...that doesn't stop us. how on earth can you ever love someone else or even receive love, if you hate yourself?! this makes me the saddest. its one thing to be lost and broken and confused and yet reaching out...and a completely different thing to hate yourself. because thats it. thats the end, in a sense. at least when you are searching and reaching for something, you are wanting God to come in, intervene and save you. and when you give Him permission to completely come in and give Him complete control, He will! but when you shut yourself off because you hate yourself and feel like you can never forgive yourself, and you feel therefore no one else can love or forgive you....it breaks my heart. i know yours is broken too. i hate this. it is the worst feeling in the world, to know you will never measure up. no one will ever love you. and no one can because you don't even love yourself. no one but God. and He can change your heart, so eventually you might come around and learn to love yourself and forgive yourself, the way He does. but...what about the girl that doesn't know God? she hates herself, no one can love her cuz she pushes everyone away. she doesn't even know about God! where is her life headed? where is yours headed? do you read something like this, shake your head, cry a tear or two, but walk away going, "that's deep. that's sad. but thankfully i've got all my priorities straight. Jesus is my best friend. my life is great and God is right at the center!"?  do you walk away thinking that? maybe that is true for you. if it is, i am so happy for you! good for you! but thats not the end. you can't just walk away!! you read all of this, now you have to do something. make a difference. look outside yourself. challenge yourself. change someone's life. love them even when they don't love themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world." i heard that somewhere. don't pass that off as someone else's job. don't say you can't do it. be brave, take a chance, and make the difference. there are people out there hurting right now, more than you can even imagine. and if you've hurt, use that! grab onto that and use that to help someone else. sometimes an "i've been there" is all it takes to start healing. isn't someone worth it? wouldn't you have wanted someone to reach out to you when you were hurting? and if someone did, don't you think you should pay it forward? think about it...