Sunday, August 7, 2011

"Ive got to live with the choices ive made, and i cant live with myself today..."

Skillet just screams my heart lately.

"I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better
I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now
And never surrender...."

Seriously. My heart...everything feels broken right now. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do. I cry out to God and yet...nothing changes. Im sure theres something i am missing. Because i know God cares. He is probably saying something to me and im just not hearing it.
But right now....honestly i have a couple of habits lately. 
The scary thing is, they aren't new ones. 
I recognize them alright...
They are the warning signs. The habits i had right before i slipped into depression. 

The beach is one of the most magnificent places in the world for me
You know theres something wrong with you when you go there and have to fake a smile.

Actually, i know theres something wrong with me right now. It scares me. But i realize that i got out of this once before. No treatment or personal interference required.
It was me. Me and God.
But i left with a lot of scars. Scars of the physical and emotional variety. 
It scares the HECK out of me to think that i am actually walking down this slippery slope AGAIN!
The first time was legit. But it was also for experience.
Well, this time, its all real. Because i don't WANT to go back.
...Im just afraid i might.
So yeah. The things i can align with my past...

First off, i have been blasting music. I mean BLASTING. I have skillet playing so loud you can LITERALLY hear it outside of my headphones.
But heres 2 things that differ from my past. 
First, im playing Christian music this time. So, yeah, i have music screaming in my ears. 
But at least its Christian music. I know that doesn't justify my motivation behind blasting it, but since something is blasting, im glad its that. (And i have my friend to thank for this, by the way! Christian music, im sad to say, is something i never particularly cared for. But she got me hooked!)
Secondly, im always faking a smile. So that no one really knows whats wrong. I talk to my girls. They are always there, which is something that differs from my past as well.
But my family has no idea. I keep the depressing posts away from them. I don't want to scare them.
And they wouldn't understand. Because they would keep trying to interfere. 
They would hate the fact that they couldn't help me.
Which they couldn't.
Because, as much as i HATE to say this...they are part of the problem.
Not the whole thing. A lot of it has to do with the way i (don't) handle things.
Which brings me to the third thing that lines up with my past....
I don't deal with things, but rather, just continue to shove them down inside.
Until they JUST EXPLODE.
Until *I* just explode.
But then i apologize for "overreacting" and we go on like 
nothing. ever. happened.

But i cant go on this way. I need to find a different way.
Because i am so scared of where this is headed. I am so scared of where *I* am headed.

"Im just a step away, im just a breath away, of falling off the edge today...its just another war, just another family torn, just a step from the edge, just another day in the world we live....I NEED A HERO TO SAVE ME NOW."


Kaitlyn Nicole said...

Oh Morgan, this is so sad to hear. :( I'll definitely keep you in my prayers! I understand you in some ways though! The whole suppressing stuff. I waver back in forth from never shutting up about my problems, to hiding it and pretending I'm absolutely fine! I find writing like this helps though. Just venting everything to no one in particular is kind of freeing. And I know what it feels like to feel like God isn't doing anything! But sometimes it's at our lowest point that God steps in. Or sometimes when I go to sleep crying I wake up really refreshed. And sometimes God shows me the tiniest things that I can be in awe of, and my problems start to shrink a little. Anyways, praying for you Morgan! <3

Han and Momo said...

Thank you so much for praying for me. I definitely need it, if you couldn't tell! I am the same way. And SOME people know whats going on. But for others, im a fake. I hate that i have to be that way. But it beats the alternative.
Thats true, writing definitely helps me!!
And that is so true as well, because i literally cried so hard last night, and i woke up feeling a little better.
Your comments definitely helped me last night. Helped me to know that im not alone, and also that someone sees the truth and still loves me. And so does God <3 thank you so much!!

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

Anytime Morgan!! I'm glad I randomly decided to look at your blog last night and read everything and comment. Sometimes I get lazy and I just skip the long ones. haha. but for some reason I read every word last night and I'm so glad I did! <3 Keep pushing through it! I know you will come out of it a better stronger person! <3

Han and Momo said...

Lol yeah sometimes my posts are WAYYYY long!! But i am so thankful you decided to read this one and share your thoughts with me!! Thank you, you have no idea how much i needed to hear that right now <3 <3

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

you're so welcome!! <3