Sunday, August 7, 2011

"Sometimes i don't wanna be better, everything is wrong forever, sometimes i cant be put back together, sometimes its gone forever..."

i wanna text you but i don't wanna bug you. but then again, if you are really my friend, which i know you are, you'll be there for me.
you said so today.
but i..i guess im scared.
this all circles back to my 2 main issues.
security. &. trust.
i don't feel secure enough to feel worthy of your time.
And i don't trust that you wont get scared off and run away.
these 2 things apply to and control most everything i do. or don't do.
im just gonna text you.
seriously, how hard can this be?!
YOU SAID YOURSELF THAT YOURE THERE FOR ME!!!
....why can i never feel good enough for myself? why can i never find it in me to JUST. TRUST?!?!
Thats just it. im texting you. i don't know what im gonna do...if i don't.
God, please help me! Im reading my Bible, i prayer journaled, and i went to youth group. Ive been playing 99.9% Christian music. honestly, i hardly listen to ANYTHING ELSE anymore.
And yet...i feel SO far from You.
Just...just like at camp again.
Something that was supposed to bring me so close to You, just left me disappointed and empty.

4 comments:

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

Morgan, I can so relate with this post...I've felt that insecurity...like you want so bad to reach out, but you're afraid to push too far...it's so scary to just risk it all and jump into the unknown, and unfortunately sometimes there are not happily ever afters. I have risked a lot for people I've loved and sometimes it pays off and sometimes i'm left empty. But I hope whatever happens you will be happy with your decision despite the results.
Also! I don't know if I'm right at all about this...but sometimes when I base my relationship with God on the "dos and donts" I end up empty and disappointed...like how you were saying all that you're doing right, maybe you're focusing too much on works and not just your heart, raw and open. your faith. I don't know if what I'm saying is true or right, but it just occurred to me when I read this that maybe God doesn't care as much about all that you're DOING to please him, but he cares more about what's going on in your heart. Idk if this even helps at all, but I'm just gonna throw it out there. :) <3

Han and Momo said...

Thank you! Seriously, sometimes i feel like the only one that isn't strong enough to just accept herself. Thats like, huge for me.
And...wow thats EXACTLY it. Because i HAVE pushed too hard. And i am so terrified to let that happen again.
Thank you. I did reach out. It didn't go quite like i planned, but im glad i reached out none the less.
DUDE!!! Omg that is....that is so true!!
Seriously, i love that you pointed that out! Well, i mean its a hard thing to hear, but i appreciate you saying it! Because i needed to hear it!
Its like, i think im using these things to TRY and change my heart.
Truth is, i don't know HOW to change my heart.
So i guess im just going through the motions....
Hm...thanks. Ill have to think about that!! <3

Kaitlyn Nicole said...

<3 I'm so glad we can minister to one another on here! It's such a blessing. and it's nice that we can put out our opinions and listen to one another and become open to new ideas. <3

Han and Momo said...

Yes!! I love that too!! Thank you for being so honest! <3