Tuesday, January 31, 2012

do you have any idea how hard it is to do spanish homework, when everything in english doesnt even make sense to you??
much less trying to figure out another language.
me siento muy mal..
i definitely dont feel good right now.
everything is too much.
she asked me what was wrong. i thought i had been doing a good job covering. and she asked me how i was and i said ok. and she says i dont sound ok and asks whats wrong.
she can tell thru a text.
but i wrote it off as being stressed.
i guess i am.
she asked why..but i couldnt even say why.
i couldnt explain it.
i couldve but i...
was scared.
no entiendo.
i dont understand.
myself. this life. anything.
*huge sigh*
i dont know anything anymore.
im trying so hard to keep my head above water.
and just when i think maybe ive got it,
the water rises.
and i struggle all over again.
"tonight i wanna cry.."
maybe tonight is a good night to get back to my country love and listen to some sad songs and just..cry. its been awhile since i had a good cry. maybe it would actually do me some good.
buenas noches amigas <3

Sunday, January 29, 2012

"I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.."

to most people, its scary to not get along with people.
for me, it scares me to be on good terms with people.
im scared to let people in. to let them get close.
to me, its more awful a feeling getting along with people, than fighting with them.
i fight it at every corner. i hate it..
no..i dont hate it..im scared of it.
so i run away.
from everything. from everyone. i like being alone better.

maybe because i know thats where ill end up eventually anyways.

and i dont care to get attached just to be left.
so i figure why bother.
..or i fear rejection.
im weak. and im battle scarred.
and so, to avoid further pain, i lock myself away.
"run away, run away like a prodigal.."
guess thats me..

"Id take another chance, take a fall take a shot for you..but im afraid..its too late."

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Ive been up for about 27 hours straight. No.sleep. Welcome to a youth group lock in..haha! Anyways, i feel like trying to make sense of my thoughts, when im THIS dead tired..is probably not gonna work out..:P lol. But i need to try. Because its been one heck.of 27 hours. I pray this doesnt fall into the wrong hands. Im scared to write this because i do not want someone who shoukdnt see this, to see it. But on that same hand, i need to get out my feelings. Sighh..i hate the days i didnt fall victim to censorship..:/ anyways..well i suppose all ill say is that i find it really hard to respect certain people, i really want to never set foot in there again, and i spent about 98.9% of my night miserable. From standing in a bathroom stall trying to suppress the tears i could feel coming, to faking a smile like i never have because he asked me what was wrong but i didnt want to hurt him so i lied..

Thursday, January 26, 2012

"I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue, im only as good as that last one.."

im so freaking sick of fake people. you hate me. i.get.it.
so why do you come around and act like you dont??
im seriously not stupid and you're seriously not fooling anyone.
and i dont care what i sound like. after all,
you already hate me.
what do i have to lose?
so you hate me. you did before. you do now. you probably always will.
im not concerned with how to get you to stop hating me.
this isnt middle school anymore. you dont have to like me. i can handle it.
does this mean i dont ever miss what we had? well of course i do. you and i were pretty close, once upon a time. and i honestly miss those days. but they were built upon innocence and naivety. things changed, you changed, i changed, and, as a result, WE changed.
it happens.
it doesnt really bother me.
because its not like im looking at you and wishing youd like me.
its more like, im remembering you and wishing you were still like that.
because to be honest, i dont really want anything to do with you.
not anymore.
and to be even more honest...
im not too torn up about the way youve changed. it just makes it easier for me to not like you.
it makes it easier to..
forget about you. altogether.
and this would be perfection but..
but as per usual with you, youre sitting here faking your way through this.
and so you keep pushing your way in and pretending like you belong with us and like you even want to be with us..
but the truth is, if you could, youd be rid of me. its not us you want to be with. because i know full well that, given the opportunity, youd just as soon get rid of me altogether.
im not stupid.
i dont want anything to do with you. i dont want you to show up and ruin my perfect week.
but youre gonna.
and nothing i can say or do is gonna stop you.
because i wont say or do anything at all.
i hate how catty and petty and just plain stupid this whole thing makes me look.
not to mention..jealous. pathetic. ridiculous.
so i keep my thoughts to myself.
if someone says something, i agree.
but i will never come out and say it myself.
nope. i cant. i cant bring myself to do it.
so i keep all of this to myself.
you drive me craaazy.
but youll never know it.
most everyone will never know it.
i hate how this makes me look.
and i hate that i care.
mostly i guess i...i dont say anything because i dont want to be that girl.
because everyone id share my feelings with, knows you too. and i dont want to sound like im trying to come between you and them. or like im trying to make them pick.
because im not.
id love to.
but i wont.
because i know how extremely awful and wrong that is.
im not perfect.
but one of the many differences between you and me?
i dont pretend to be.

but one thing we do have in common?
we both pretend like everything is 'just fine'.
dang it.
i never wanted to have anything in common with you.
especially....something like this..<\3

"Shes been wishing on the stars that shine so bright, for answers to questions that will haunt her tonight.."

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

she tries so hard. day in and day out. but no matter what, shes never good enough for you. and shes sick and tired of giving her all. only to have you tell her its not enough. and you tell her you love her but you dont show it. and shes falling apart. and she cant keep doing this. she wears a smile but its wearing thin. and she hasnt meant it in months. she doesnt smile because shes happy. she smiles to keep the tears at bay. and the angry words never escape. she suppresses everything you wouldnt care to see. and she pretends to be ok even when shes dying inside.

she may be me. 
but not for much longer.
i cant keep doing this. 
day after day after day.
this sucks.
this hurts. 
i cant do it.
i cant keep this up.
and im honestly not even sure why id ever WANT to.
to make your life easier?
to not cause a scene?
to not bother anyone?
well im sorry.
im sorry if my happiness is more important than impressing you. 
and im sorry if, for me to be real and ok, your life gets a little more complicated.
im sorry if my life doesnt just revolve around pleasing you.
and im sorry if i cant die inside just to make your life easier.
im sorry.
i honestly am. my heart breaks.
but i cant keep doing this. 
i cant......live this way anymore.
because this honestly..isnt even living.
this is surviving. 
just getting by.
but this isnt living.
but this isnt how i do it.
nothing means anything anymore.
im going through the motions.
im suppressing everything to the point where it dies and its not even real.
i numb everything. to the point where i literally dont feel anything at all.
ya know, i was thinking yesterday. when people ask why you reach for other things when you're in trouble, rather than reaching for God..i never knew what to say.
but i know the answer now. at least, for me.
i reach for these other things because they numb me. i dont have to feel anything. but with God, i have to embrace things and feel them and work through them.
and i dont want to. i dont want to feel any of this stuff.
so i numb it.
and my relationship with God suffers as a result.
because i push Him away just so i dont have to feel anything.
i freaking hate this.
so much.
but i dont change it.
i wont sit here and pretend like i will.
this blog is one of the very few places ill be completely honest.
i wont walk away from here and change anything. i know this for a fact.
so i wont sit here and pretend like i will.
i know ill turn off my laptop and go back to reality and everything will be the same as i left it. and i wont be strong enough to change anything.
and God tells me He is my strength. He tells me ALL things are possible through Christ. and once upon a time i believed all of this. and i still believe it. but i dont believe it for me right now. i dont deserve this. i dont deserve Him. i never did. i never could. but at least i felt better about taking His love when i was living for Him. but now im shutting Him out and im living in doubt and i...i feel like i dont belong to Him anymore. i feel like there is no way He could ever want me. i feel like He is better off if i just stay away.
"Im the One holding you up.."
i want to believe this. i need it. i need....
theres no other way around this.

the only question is..will i be strong enough to take that first step? to reach out. i KNOW You will meet me if i will only make that move. but i also know that to make that move will be to undo everything i know and live by. and normally i wouldnt give it a second thought. the answer would be no. because im stubborn and im set in my ways. but..i dont know. something about the prospect of true life sound inviting. and im intrigued. i want to know more..
i want to live it.
i want to...let myself <3

Sunday, January 22, 2012

"Take a minute to see it from my side of things, dont you think you'd feel the same, like you still gotta play for the victory in a game you won yesterday, i shouldn't have to fight for something thats already mine.."

i feel like shes just gonna keep coming around though. no matter what i do. regardless of what i want. and then someone has the nerve to tell me in such an offhand manner that the two of you probably have something going behind my back...O.o
well i dont care. if you two have something, fine. its fine. you can. its not like youre all mine anyways. i know this. i cant control you. and i dont want to. who you talk to, who you interact with, who you get close with..all of it is YOUR choice. i know that. im not trying to make that choice for you. and i dont want to. because i never want you because you feel like you cant leave. because you can. please i...i dont want it to be like this. not again. and yes, im terrified to post this. im definitely tempted to write this all out and just delete it. because of what i said before, about my words being held against me. im scared. and i dont even freaking care what anyone says right now. because you know what, you can hold whatever you want against me for the next 96 days. and then? i can leave. i can run. so play your freaking head games. hurt me and then act like you never did. all of you. i dont even care. im so furious right now. and yeah, its old news. its "in the past". and maybe i should leave it there. but maybe im sick and freaking tired of just doing what i HAVE to. what i SHOULD do. i need to do what feels right for.ME.
a concept lost on so many.
a concept hidden by me. 
because i have lived the last 17 years and some days trying to be everything to everyone. i wanted to be liked and to NEVER be a disappointment. and time and time again i watched myself fail, as people walked out and left me. or as people told me they loved me and treated me the exact opposite way. and i learned to feel that even though i was giving everything i had and being everything i could, that even that wasnt enough. well forget it. i dont even care anymore. im beyond mad right now. im sad too, but the tears will come later. 
i sit here in the silence now, because the song i was listening to ended and i have no idea what else to turn on because nothing describes anything i feel right now. so i just sit here and listen to the sounds of my fingers pounding the keys. im typing these words so fast right now. and the worst part, i realize? my entire family is downstairs watching a movie right now. together. and im up here. alone. and no one knows i feel like this. no one. and i dont know how to tell anyone. i dont want my words to hurt anyone else. and i cant ask the questions that burn in my mind because my heart fears it cant stand to hear the answers. the truth. or the lies. anything. ignorance, after all, is bliss. but ignorance leads to wondering. and wondering, doubting, questioning..all of that is pain. sheer torture, even.
"i hate, feeling like this. so tired, of trying to fight this.."
"So you'll be mine, forever and almost always, and i'll be fine, just love me when you can.."

"Every part of me is broken..still i cant explain.."

~Our July In The Rain~ He is We.

speaks my heart.

"bring me back to holding hands in the rain, i swear id ease your pain.."

"Ive had time, ive had change, ive been broken but still i cant explain.."

i cant even explain. id try. but nothing would come out. and no one cares to hear it anyways.
i type words and i delete them. words have such a power. and im fearful of it now. i didnt used to be. is it good that i fear them now? is this a lesson i somehow needed to learn? no, ive always known words had power. i think back to the power words have had over me. my whole life. controlled by someones words to me.

but one thing i never considered was the power MY words might have. but not only am i afraid of hurting others..no, im afraid of the power my own words hold against me.
because they've been held against me. my own words....why does everything ive ever loved hurt me? or let me down? or break and shatter me pieces?
cynical much? ya, i know.
i need to be saved. im drowning in this. but i wont let myself even acknowledge this need. because if i let myself know i need this, im not gonna be able to live without it. its better to deny it. to everyone and even to myself.
you probably think im crazy, if you're reading this..
and..i probably am..
but i think more than anything,

"Im a ghost of a girl, that i want to be most.." -story of my life.

Friday, January 20, 2012

i miss the days i could be honest.
i miss the days i could be myself.
i just realized i made so much progress over the summer.
i read through the journal entries. 
and right up until the very DAY.OF.
i was ok. i was me. not a hundred percent.
but closer than i am now.
im nothing now. im not me. 
im not just hiding.
i literally dont even know who i am anymore.
im filled with regret and disappointment.
im hurt. im scarred and broken and...
just really, really sad.
i dont even know who i am anymore.
im scared. 
ive never lost myself this badly before.
i wanna cry.
but i cry every night.
it doesnt solve anything.
it used to make me feel better.
but it doesnt do much for me at all anymore.
its just like..habit.

oh gosh, i need a rainstorm.
i need summer dresses.
and cowboy boots.
i need loose curls.
i need my best friend.
i need freedom.
i miss everything about who i am.

im watching monte carlo. 
in the movie its raining. 
the eiffel tower is right outside her window.
thats what i want. to go away.
to get away.
to see something else.
somewhere else.
the only thing i dont need?
to BE someONE else.
that im all too good at.
but im sick of it!
i want to be me.

the girl that loves rain.
the girl that lives for feeling things.
the girl that feels best in ripped jeans and a tank top.
the girl that lets her curls hang free, and feels amazing.
the girl who doesnt have any limits.
the girl who loves love.
the girl who believes in fairy tales.
the girl that uses her heart, instead of hiding it away.
the girl who would never let anyyyone tell her who or what she is.
the girl who believes in herself and her feelings.
and, the girl who follows her heart above all.

i miss that girl.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

you think you've won.
and, if all this was to you was a game,
then maybe you did.

but im really not sure thats much of an accomplishment.
and i really dont find it something to be proud of.

honestly, nothing sets you apart from any of the other scars on my heart.
except that you're the newest one.
It feels so good..to finally be writing songs again <3

"stop pretending you care
we all know you dont
you wish i would leave
and you hate that i wont
in your eyes ill always be
the girl that ruined your life
little did you know, you see
i didnt have to steal him to make him mine
no, he went because he wanted to
this you know too well
but you refuse to see the truth
an say im putting you thru hell

when, all i wanted was to see him smile
all he wanted was to laugh
he said it had been a while
but that i sure changed that
he told me i was the best thing
that ever came into his life
he told me you meant nothing
and he looked me in the eyes
if you cant accept reality
well baby thats not my fault
you say without you he'll never be happy
but youre the one missing out"

Just a little piece of something im working on <3

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

everything that was. everything that is no more. story of my life. everything good passes me by and its just like i have to learn to deal with it. i hate it. but im good at it. maybe that is why life keeps throwing stuff at me. it wants to break me. its trying to wear me down.
why did i have to see his jeep today?!?!
ive been doing so good.
and then i saw it today.
and all the memories flooded back over me.
i just sat there in the car..watched yours pass...and thought. and remembered. and reminisced.
and then was hit with brutal reality.

we arent even speaking.

and it might be my fault.

"The scars of your love, remind me of us.."

still blaming the people currently IN my life,
for mistakes made by those currently OUT of it.

"We need to take it back in time.."

the snow. the sky. everything about today makes me stop and think.
which is never good. when i think, it usually leads to regret.
i think and remember how things were. what i had. who was with me.
and i regret whatever stupid, ignorant mistake i made to ruin that.
and im here alone right now. typing this.
remembering; but also, trying not to.
i think about you. all of you. everyone that was but is no longer.
and i feel responsible.

i watch the snow blow and circle outside my window.
i want to go out and lay in it.
just throw on my jeans and a t-shirt and go immerse myself in it.
let myself feel the cold.
let my tears melt the snow.
i want to feel.
ive been cold. ive been numb.
i used being broken and hurt, as an excuse.
an excuse for not feeling anything.
ive allowed my very heart and soul to ice.over.
im numb.
and that flows over into my relationships.
ive created some fake surface feeling.
but thats all it is; fake and surface.
a lethal combination, at that.
because its taught me i dont need my heart.
it does every job my heart ever needed to.
and its killed every living part of my soul.
no, i dont need my heart.
i just need to be one heck of an actress.
and i am.

i need to get outta bed.
i need to go make myself look perfect.
i need to hide everything i am with the most believable fake smile youll ever see.
i need to be....
everything but me.

Monday, January 16, 2012

"Nobody said it was easy..no one ever said it would be so hard.."

That was my very last tweet of 2011.
what a note to end 2011 on. its true though. no one said things would be easy. for sure. BUT! no one ever told me it would be this hard.
thats all i can say about it. theres no words for it. it was awful. terrifying, even. the roads i travelled and the roads i almost travelled; the roads i could have travelled. nothing about 2011 was easy. the only way the word 'easy' could be used to describe 2011 would be if it followed the word 'not'.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Couldn't Conceal

i need to get away, but i have nowhere to go.
i can't even think so right now i don't know
i try to catch my breath
but i'm drug from one place to the next
and when i finally scream
for everything
to just stop and let me be
it runs away
and i end up chase
ing after it
and still i can't breathe

i pace as i wander
outside in the winter weather
the snowflakes fall like tears on my face
but i can't blink them away
not like the real tears
i've been hiding them for years
but as the snowflakes melt
they run down my face to reveal
the pain that is my heart
the parts that i couldn't conceal

i've held my breath for so long
i'm not sure i'd know what to do if i was told to breathe now
i've been chasing after something elusive
wasting energy on something i'd never get to hold
and i've got a mouth full of excuses
but not the breath to let any of them go

i pace as i wander
outside in the winter weather
the snowflakes fall like tears on my face
but i can't blink them away
not like the real tears
i've been hiding them for years
but as the snowflakes melt
they run down my face to reveal
the pain that is my heart
the parts that i couldn't conceal

to tell you the truth
sometimes it's easier to lie
and sometimes those stubborn tears
become so hard to hide
as i walk through the bitter, razor-edged wind
i cling to my jacket, pull it close as the ice burns my skin
and then there's no need for the snowflakes
the real tears fall and freeze to my face

and i pace as i wander
outside in the winter weather
the snowflakes fall like tears on my face
but i can't blink them away
not like the real tears
i've been hiding them for years
but as the snowflakes melt
they run down my face to reveal
the pain that is my heart
the parts that i couldn't conceal


eleven months later...and it still feels real.
it all feels very real to me.
it comes back over me.
these feelings werent fake then, and they arent now.
in fact, they might even be MORE real now..
im feeling everything and nothing right now.
i have too much on my plate and i know it.
im losing myself.
im blaming innocent people for my own mistakes..
and for the mistakes made against me in my past.
im broken and untrusting.
i find it hard to forgive.
but mostly..
i find it hard to be REAL.
thats why im losing myself.
because when you hide yourself away for so long..
inevitably you begin to lose yourself entirely.
thats whats happening now.
i can feel it.
i hate this.
i hate the tears i have to hide.
im sick of holding a smile in place all day..
only to cry in the darkness.
thats where i am.
i dont want to be.
but i am.
i hate it.
and every once in a while light pokes thru.
but it always disappears quickly.
but normally i wouldnt let any of this out.
id keep these feelings inside.
but i guess..
this is just that part of my broken heart...
that i couldnt conceal..


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

the difference between knowing something and believing it, is that knowing something is fact. its knowledge. and believing something is acting on that knowledge. so while i KNOW things..it doesnt mean i believe them. and the truth is..i dont think i can believe things. because even though i know something, i doubt it. i always doubt. i can never stand somewhere and not doubt. i either run away, or i stay but im doubting the whole time.. and i think until i finally learn to TRUST these facts, to trust this knowledge..i never CAN believe. because believing is built on firm knowledge. and my constant doubting makes having firm knowledge, a surface to build belief off of, impossible..
"If someone really loved you, you wouldnt doubt it." I just read this quote on twitter and i have to say..i completely disagree. Your doubt is your problem, not theirs. Someone can love you with everything they have and you can still be too blinded by insecurity to see it. And thats not their fault. Thats nothing against them and how much they love you. I should know. I have someone that loves me more than anybody ever has. And yet, theres still times i find myself doubting. I dont feel worthy of them. And while its not THEM that i doubt, i DO doubt. I doubt that itll last forever. Not because they dont love me. But because somwhere deep in my heart, i feel unworthy. I always have. Of anyone. And im just scared that one day, theyll wake up and realize what i knew all along. That im not worthy of them. that they can do better. A part of me believes this stuff is true and that part is the part that doubts. See? Its nothing against them. Its not that they dont love me. No, the cause of my doubt is simple. Its my own insecurity. <\3

Monday, January 2, 2012

"Feelings don't die easily because we keep feeding them with memories." ....guilty as charged.. i am FOREVER living in my memories. and it usually serves to hurt me more than heal me. but that just how i roll. everything in my life is done either on a whim, or out of habit. this is no different. i reminisce either because its just what ive always done; or because something, out of nowhere, comes and reminds me of something. and makes me think. makes me remember something and relive it in my head all over again. and i dont stop it. i honestly dont even know if i could..because ive never tried.. ive never wanted to. i looove my memories. thats why i write everything down. thats why i take pictures of things. because theres some things i want to remember. and even the things i want to forget now, ive learned i may someday want to remember. so i write those down too. even the pictures ive wanted to burn, ive saved. because i know someday ill look back...and want to know what happened. ill want to remember how i felt. ill want to remember what happened; who was there; what was going on. and maybe itd just all be best if i didnt remember at all. but..i dont know..whats the fun in that? :P lol.. the truth is, the past needs to serve a purpose. and if i cant relive it or redo it, i feel like i should be able to relive it in my mind, and redeem it by learning from it. <3

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012 is finally here. i dont think anyone fully understands just how excited i am. ringing in the new year last night was amazing. nothing happened, thats not the point. the point is, 2011 is FINALLY OVER!!! my gosh.. and although there was a LOT i want to leave behind..theres also some things and people i dont want to lose or forget..and all of a sudden im wondering if i can let go of certain parts of my past...without letting go of it all..? because i certainly dont want to do that! theres some thing id like to leave in my past, but there are others i want to take with me, into my present and, God willing, my future..you know? *sighhh... so how do i do this? its already day one of 2012 and i want to leave my PAST behind. by that, i dont mean everything and everyone from yesterday, or from last year..but i mean the things and people i WANT there. the ones i have put behind me. the ones i dont WANT to remember; that i want nothing to do with. but how do you let go of your past, and carry parts of it..with you? and besides, i never have been able to set aside the people that have hurt me. i carry their scars on my heart and i constantly think of them. and, just when i think ive moved on, or forgotten them, something comes along and remind me that i never could. something rips back open those scars on my heart; i bleed thinking of them; i have to try to heal, yet again...its a vicious cycle. i hate it. but its just what always happens. but this is a new year. 2011 2012 ♥ we can make this amazing. but we have to let go of our pasts! we have to give the future room to HAPPEN. we have to have hope that things CAN be different. or else they arent gonna be. if we dont even 2012 a chance, then we cant complain when its no better than 2011.