Saturday, August 27, 2011

2 and counting

"i have someone else who i love very much
but no matter what
im always gonna look back and see
the one that thought they were too good for me"

this is far too true to be comfortable. it fits me like those size one jeans i tried on the other day. it leaves no margin for doubt.
i have someone that ACTUALLY loves me, someone that ACTUALLY cares..
someone who knows me on a level you never could have. who understands me like you don't even know. 
someone who knows all of this...
and has.stuck.around. <3
i should be longgggg over you. it feels stupid to even still care but i do.
i DO still look through your facebook pictures...
i do still listen to songs that i listened to when we were fighting.
and i do still cry.
im sorry, but i do.
i guess....i just don't get over people that easily.
:'/ i really cared about you.
why....why doesn't that matter to you?
you will NEVER know what you've done to my heart.
yeah, theres A.LOT. of scars.
but you've also made me build so.dang.many.walls. around it, that a lot of my relationships or could be relationships don't even stand a chance.
what can i say? once you've been hurt by someone close to you, your heart just learns.

now? #ICantGetCloseToAnyone...

which makes me think of the whole twitter thing...greatt.
seriously, if ONE relationship could just work out...
but i don't think it can. ive literally reached where the point where i feel like its impossible for relationships to work out. cuz this is 2 and counting.
so yup. you unfollow me on twitter, i unfollow you back. i unfriend you on facebook...
id loooove to delete your number and saved texts from my phone but i don't know if im THAT strong yet. 
but then again, my blood boils every.time i read those texts cuz i know now that they were all smooth lies.
you got what you wanted. i listened to your problems, i was never more than a text away, i let you into parts of my life and my heart and my past that i wish beyond belief that i hadn't.
i knew from the start the relationship was unlikely.
people like you and people like me DONT.MIX.
why did i ever fool myself into believing you were genuine?
oh, thats right....
cuz i wanted so desperately for that to be the truth.
my poor heart is so battle-scarred it is literally crying out for me to
it wants more walls.
it is SO sick of getting hurt.
i am so mad at you 2 right now. because of you, i cant trust the one person i need to.
relationship number 3 and im already too broken to fully love.
um... :/
but the thing is, more than either of you EVER proved this to me, more than both of you combined EVER lied and fooled me to believe....
not just cuz i want to believe it.
but because they have proved it over and over and over. literally.
my past has pushed me to being explicitly clear with this new one. because the idea of getting hurt again absolutely kills me.
like, i don't think my heart could handle it.
and this person has proved again and again that they are sincere.

i HATE how you two have ruined this for me.
now im gonna have to try to love....
inspite of my broken heart.... < / / 3
look at that, 2 scars for the 2 that made them....

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