Sunday, March 27, 2011

i really need a break...Not sure how i am gonna make it till the 8th...but i'll figure it out...i have to...and i always do.

i am going to explode. i just can't do this! i thought i could. i thought i was strong. but as usual, i was wrong. i bit off more than i can chew, and yet it's all being forced into my mouth at once anyways. i don't know what to do, say or....AHHHH!!!!! screaming...and exploding. the 2 things that take precedence on the priority list, for some reason. maybe just because i know they are going to happen. they just are. i don't know what to do because, as much as i know i NEED to let this out...i also know i can't. like i said before, this is just what i need to do right now. this is my juggling act. somehow you are keeping everything of yours perfectly balanced and up in the air, so i won't let mine hit the ground. i can't. i can't watch everything fall apart and i can't know it was my fault. i just can't let it happen. and so if it kills me...i will keep this up. i don't want to, but i don't know another way. and it is better than the alternative, which would be to step back and just watch everything fall to the ground and fall apart. because i don't want to be the reason things fall apart here.
and i don't want to have to clean it up.
and since i don't want to deal with the repercussions, i won't let anything fall apart. nope, i will keep it all together. i'm not pretending to know everything. i'm not pretending to have everything figured out. not pretending to have everything all together. no...i know i know NOTHING. i have NOTHING figured out. but the last part...
i guess i do have it all together. at least...on the outside. i have it all together. it's fragile, but i'm doing what i agreed to. it's weak and so am i. it's heavier than i remember...or maybe i am just not as strong as i was, or as i thought. whatever the details, the truth is that i am holding things together. its not easy, but i AM doing it.
and i guess that's what matters.

-My heart's in constant chaos-

here it is. black and white. out here for the world to see. or at least, my small piece of it. 
things in my life are changing. and with that comes new emotions and circumstances...things you learn to live with...mostly because you have no other choice.
my a scary thing to consider. maybe it's because i only get one shot. you only live once. and so i'm torn. between what i would like to do and feel God's Leading towards...and what i love. and as i look at God's Plan for me, (the road i know i will ultimately take) i realize that it leads me farther away from my dream....
and away from you.
i have been so hesitant. i mean, isn't almost 200 miles enough?! why push that?! but all my life, as i have considered going here or there...i have questioned myself, stating that to go would be to leave you behind. 
and i don't want to do that!
i have all of these dreams and ideas swimming around in my i thought...i mean...
i just don't see another way.
and if it's not you...
then who? who else accepts me? this isn't even something i considered because i never stopped to think...
that it might NOT be you. that it might be someone else. oh sure, that thought has flashed through my head a time or two, but its not like i ever entertained the thought. i just let it pass through. because i didn't want to face it. just like college. but now everything that i shoved aside all these years is catching up with me. and it's finally forcing me to think about it. all of it. and some days i feel like i am going to explode. i fall into bed at night just exhausted. between all of the things i need to decide for myself, and all of my physical responsibilities during the day...let's just say that spring "break", wasn't much of a break.
and a big part of that is my own fault. i caused this much buildup by pushing things aside for YEARS. its no wonder i feel like exploding. but even as i type this, i know i'm still not really facing everything head on. i feel like there is so much and it becomes hard to differentiate between my responsibilities to the family and the ones to myself, and i have such a hard time saying no.
so yes, a lot of these big decisions have been pushed aside because i didn't want to deal with them. but even now...i am just so into this habit of everyone else...and i don't even know anymore how to say no, or make time for myself. and so i just keep saying yes. i just keep saying and doing and going...i'm just living. maybe even living to the fullest, in some extent, because i'm pretty sure life can't get much fuller than this. chaos. that's what my life is right now. 
maybe i am co-dependant. i make sure everyone else has what they need, what they needs come last. codependency causes you to think about others, and get some satisfaction out of seeing them happy and fulfilled...always.

it scares me to think there might be a term for me.

i don't know what to do. i don't know where to turn. i am at a crossroad. but there is so many more than just 2 directions. or maybe there's only two, but my vision is so clouded by everything else in my life that i can't see to make the right choice. heck, i can't even tell how many choices there ARE!
i need to take a step back. but i am afraid that everything i have been holding up, juggling, will come crashing down when i step away.
and maybe it will.
how important are those things?
well...important. necessary. i NEED them to stay balanced. not for me, but because if i don't juggle them, i am afraid no one will. besides, i have to do my part. and this is it. i have to keep up my end of the bargain. i don't know when anything was signed, but it must have been. and so i will keep my unwitting promises. you are holding up your end, and i will hold up mine. but all this does it further my desire to have someone to share this with. i am tired of having to hold everything up alone. tired of having to...and just tired. more than ever i know that i need SOMEONE to do life with. because i can't go it alone.
but...if not you, then who? who...will be there? who will love me? unconditionally. who will call me their babygirl? who will see through my flaws...and love me just the same?
whoever he is, i pray he makes his appearance soon. 
and i pray i will know, be able to differentiate, so that my heart doesn't end up in pieces again.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"My dreams are me.." but i know i am deceiving myself. and yet i still hang on. maybe i'll never know why...

i thought i had it all figured out. i thought i knew what i wanted. i thought i was so set in my ways.
good or bad...that's just what i thought i was.
but now....
i don't know.
this isn't new for me, and yet, when it comes to things like this i am usually stubborn and unchanging and set in my ways. its just how i am.

today is rainy and gloomy..well, not gloomy for me..but its making me think.
for one thing, i am so glad i have no more secrets. they used to haunt me on days like today. i am freer than i have ever been, i do believe.
and that is a good thing! it makes room for my mind and heart to contemplate deeper, more meaningful matters.

like college.

i always said i wasn't going, because i had no reason to.

so..why am i considering it now?

i guess because i am confused. what else will i do, if i choose NOT to attend college?
and besides, the mere fact that i never considered it, is part of the problem, and part of the reason i AM considering it now.
i never gave to any thought or consideration and i feel like it deserves a fair shake, at the least.

i am sick of the way people look at you when you say you are thinking you are gonna start a family and skip college all together. it has even gone so far as to have someone in my extended family tell me that if i didn't attend college, the best job i could hope for would be pumping gas, or bagging groceries! can you just imagine my jaw dropping, when he said that?!

but even as i am typing this i am being given even more suggestions. which i appreciate..and yet..its just so much to consider. and this is WHY i put this off till NOW. mom came  in...yeah, this actually looks PERFECT!! 

but i won't lie...i still want that 'on campus' feeling. experience. that freedom.
now i realize that is kind of a dumb reason to go to college, not to mention illogical and a VERY expensive 'experience'.
but its the truth.
its me.

oh, i know what is really going to have to happen here. for the past couple nights, i have allowed myself the luxury of a daydream.
but daydreams often lead to bitter confrontations with reality. because, after all, one can only live in their fantasy bubble till it pops.
i want that. i desire that experience. and i have allowed myself to be fooled into believing i could have it. i dug myself such a ditch, and for no reason. i was perfectly content believing what i did about college and knowing i wouldn't and couldn't go. but i allowed myself to dream, to get my hopes up, and when i had to come back to hit me.
but the worst part?
and yet...i let it.
because i wanted to dream.

in actuality, it was a good thing i pondered this, and thought it over. because now i have given it consideration, and not just written it off, and yet i will stay true to my convictions.

that is where i should be. i don't know what it means. but it is my heart...on a website.

i still have reservations. why is that?
maybe it my selfish inhibitions coming back. my dreams and goals and desires..
not to say that this isn't where my heart is. because it is. teen moms. yeah, that's my heart.
but music has captivated a small part of it, and it took hold a long time ago, and has never loosened its grip.
and i am afraid to try to pull my heart out of its grasp, for fear it will break..
..and more?

i like it. i like it holding on. its something to strive for. it keeps me thriving. no, that's God, i know.
but its there. it means something to me and it has been a part of me for so long...

that i'm not sure if i could let go, just like that.

and yet, i know the thing i cling to, the thing that means the most to me, is the very thing i need to sacrifice.
and in theory, i can lay it at His Feet.
but in real life...

i am still clinging to my hopes and dreams, and, ultimately, deceiving myself. 

Monday, March 21, 2011


it is! because you can run from can push things can live your life in such a manner that when you fall into bed at night, you are completely exhausted, and during the day you keep yourself so busy that your mind doesn't have time to think..
but in the will be the same. 

because you can only run for so long..
before you have to stop.

and you can only push so hard..
before you run out of energy.

and when you get to that point, and everything catches up to will be the same person you were before. you may be more tired and worn out, but you will be the same as when you started.

and do you know why?



Sunday, March 20, 2011

If you don't look then you'll never know.

it is true. i don't really know where i am going in this life. not yet, anyways. i know i am here for a purpose, but as to what that purpose is..
i am lost.
and i know in due time You will show me. You will lead me if only i will allow You.
and i want to!
..but i'm scared.
part of me wants to go..and another part feels like i just got here.

look at me! obsessing over something that may, or may NOT, even happen!
but its just like..i'm scared to even pray about it because..well...
what if You ask me to go?
that is the ever pressing question.
it seems better to live in ignorance..
than to ask the painful question.
or more than asking...
is to hear the answer.
"Once opened to the truth, i can no longer close my eyes..."
once i know where it is You want me...well, i know my heart will never be content until i go.
but if i don't ask..
well, chances are that i would end up where You wanted me anyways. You could easily change my circumstances to get me where You want me.
would You do that?
i'm not sure..
or maybe i would just spend my life wandering this earth, wondering, and saying i wondered, where You wanted me to go, but skillfully avoiding ever asking You.
no..i couldn't do that. i told You i wanted to go where You lead me.
and i want You to lead me.
i do!
i am scared, i'll admit.


"Never let the fear if striking out..keep you from playing the game..."
if you don't look you'll never know.

i'm looking.
well, ok, so its more like peeking around the corner.

i'm sorry i'm not braver..
maybe in time i will learn to be.
for now, though, i think You are happy with me for looking at all.
at least...i hope You are..
one thing i know is that You understand.
i am scared. i want to leave and yet..i want to stay.
and yes, i don't want to be farther away from him.
but..this really isn't even about him! since i've grown closer to You..well, You have taken up a lot of the space that he wrongfully claimed.
not that any of that was his fault, of course! 
but now i am able to focus on You, and give to You what was rightfully Yours but was temporarily misguided to him...i'm sorry for that, by the way.
anyways..i am asking You to lead me.
to make me strong and brave, or for You to at least be strong in my weaknesses, courageous in my meekness.
i love You and i want my life to show that. i want it to glorify You.
"At what cost?" is the phrase i find keeps running through my head, and my mom says, (without knowledge of the fact that that exact phrase has  been stalking me!) that the same phrase has been in her heart.
so i ask You now:
At what cost do we stay here? are we really about to take the "easy way out?" not to say that this is it, or that moving would be the sacrifice You even want us to make...oh! i can see i NEED to pray about this.
God, give us the courage to take that first step.
to ask.
so that we may know.
and not misstep.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

~Perfect All Alone~

let go, of holding on way too tight
you'll never know if you never give up this fight
you're missing out
begin, back at the starting line
let's give, this thing another try
i, don't, wanna let you go...oh
take a look around you, do you really wanna let this go
i've been, so in love with you how could you not know
we may be falling
this may be a mistake
can you hear me calling
i can't escape
and if i'd let you go
i could get outta this whole
but i'd rather break with you
make mistakes with you
than be perfect all alone
back off, don't get too deep
take a breath, i'm getting dizzy
don't let me lose my balance
steady, myself on the line
don't wanna cross it, before its time
but baby i'm getting restless
we may be falling
this may be a mistake
can you hear me calling
i can't escape
and if i'd let you go
i could get outta this whole
but i'd rather break with you
make mistakes with you
than be perfect all alone
i've lived without you
if you could call that living
i did what i had to do
but my heart its not so forgiving
it looks whole from the outside
but it has a hole the size of you
i'm not gonna lie
i never was perfect without you
and still i tried
oh baby...
we may be falling
this may be a mistake
can you hear me calling
i can't escape
and if i'd let you go
i could get outta this whole
but i'd rather break with you
make mistakes with you
than be perfect all alone
....take a look around you, do you really wanna let this go
oh i've been so in love with could you not..know...♥xoxo

Sunday, March 13, 2011

"So you thought you had to keep this up, all the work that you do so we think that you're good, and you can't believe it's not enough, all the walls you build up are just glass on the outside, so let them fall down...we're here now.."

i know what a big deal this is..
recently, it has been brought to my attention, from many sources, that the way we girls dress is a really big issue.
maybe some girls can honestly say that they don't know what it does to guys...maybe.
i don't know what's in other girl's hearts. but in mine...
i know. i know the truth.
but its not as easy as just knowing!!
i want to be liked. i be accepted.
which are things that somehow i think i will get only if i dress a certain way.
but i have seen things play out.
protecting guy's eyes and hearts and minds should  be more important than any silly desired to be, well, desired.

but at what price do i want to be desirable?
what is it worth to me?
i type these words and i know the truth in my heart and i am mad. mad at myself for acting this way and thinking these things. this goes back to the mindset of "its all about me".
i hate that mindset!!

i have learned that my scope of sight is SO narrow. it saddens me because i felt like i understood. i felt like i was starting to get it and starting to be more accepting...but its hard to be accepting when you don't even know.
i want to have more than tunnel vision. i want to see the world.
"The world's so big it can break your heart.." how true that is though. yes, i want to see the world. but i know that to see the world i am going to be faced with a lot of pain and heartbreaks..if i want to see the world as it is, i just don't think it will be a pretty picture.
but its what i want. will it be easy? no. sometimes even my own minor heartbreaks feel like the world is crashing down.
how much more so will it feel to see millions of heartbreaks?
will i be strong enough to handle it, is the question my mind shouts.
no. i won't be.
i know that if i have any shot at being able to do this and survive...
i will need to hold tightly to God. more so than i ever have before.
which i am in no way opposed to!! but i know my short comings and i know how i have a tendency to let go. to let my eyes and heart and faith waver.
i have been Peter.
maybe i've never walked on water..
but i have started to drown.
And Jesus saved me. like He always does :)
but that doesn't diminish the fact that i let go in the first place.

and in the area of how i dress...i have kind of let go.
i hate that!
i don't want to be the girl that i am. not the kind that makes herself feel good at any cost.
how many more people do i have to hurt before i just get this through my thick head?!?!
and people can tell me and we can draw up a series of rules and guidelines...and none of it matters.
it has to be something i believe in. my entire heart has to be in agreement. and right now its torn.
it shouldn't be and i am ashamed to admit that it is...but thats the truth.
i could throw out everything that i have that is "inappropriate". i could toss the makeup in the trash can and say, "i am done!"
but i see some problems.
first...what would i wear? not that everything i have is inappropriate, but it is SUCH a fine line. i'm not sure i would know where to mark. what is what? appropriate or inappropriate? SUCH a fine line.
second...i need to feel pretty. and for me, i feel pretty when i get that assurance from you. whoever you are. when i can read the approval in your eyes...
how sick does that sound??
honestly, i am ashamed to READ those words. i cannot even believe that that is who i really am!
so...what do i do?
i could throw it all away..
but what difference would it make, really? can anyone tell me? i know that it would matter but it would be temporary at best, because until my heart changes, no other change can be permanent.
it just can't!

so how do i change my heart? 

"You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum your past mistakes..."

what if i told you? what if i told you that i wasn't perfect? lots of people would be shocked. i don't even know why, its just this assumption that people have made about me.
but what if i want to tell you the truth? what would you say?
can i be honest? i have heard that honesty draws people closer. but i have never been good at that. i have never been good at revealing my true self. because, and i think this is true for everyone, to some degree, is that the real us can be ugly. uglier than the person we pretend to be. or maybe its not even pretend. but its just another side of us. we only display the pretty. the ugly remains underneath. underneath the surface. and since most relationships are surface-based...
no one ever sees.
but i want you to see. i want to have the kind of friendship that goes deeper than superficiality.
i want to be able to talk to someone, to know there will always be someone there..
but i also want to BE that friend.
no judgement. no superficiality.
honest love.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Fakeness disguised as reality..

i am done running. i don't know what that means i will do instead, but i have decided to wait on the Lord. i need to seek His will in this. because i tried to fix things..and created more problems for myself. and i know this was not His idea for me because it came with so much extra baggage. nope. it was all me.
so now i am done trying to play doctor. i am sick. 
and i'm asking Him to fix me. to heal me.
to do what only He can do.
i tried.
i failed.
i've fallen.
i need You.
come to me.
love me.
i ask You,
not because You have to.
not because i deserve it.
but because i know You will.
You always have.
Always do.
Always will.

i'm just sorry it took this long for me to get it. but i am making progress. thank You! :) for real. all this time i needed You but didn't recognize it. or i ignored it. and i'm sorry. 
thanks for always taking me back.
thanks for always loving me.
thanks for always cleaning up my messes.
thanks for forgiving me and healing me.
thank You.

i write this and think about how i'm gonna post it..and feel like a fake. yes, this is ALL truth!
but i feel like a fake because there is another side. 
there's the part of me that is falling apart right now.
there's the part that started running for a reason and there's the reason that made me run.
why doesn't THAT ever make it to this blog?
it did, for a while. but i had to take those things off. and if you wonder why, message me, cuz i will tell you but cannot post it here.
so, now i am confused. i wanted this blog to be honest.
it just feels like everything is unraveling right now.
including the smile i faithfully wear, and my sarcastic remarks that come into play when my smile falters.
and i hate that you're making me fake…
and i hate, maybe, most of all..
that i am letting you.
but i don't know better. 
i don't know what else to do.
'..cling to your cover till the very end…'

i hate this.
i hate this…
but i have NO idea…how to get out.

"This is no sacrifice, here's my life..."

"Don't imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth!
No, I came to bring a sword.
I have come to set a man against his father,
and a daughter against her mother,
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
Your enemies will be right in your own household!
If you love your father or mother more than you love Me
you are not worthy of being Mine;
or if you love your son or daughter more than Me,
you are not worthy of being mine.
If you cling to your life you will lose it;
but if you give it up for Me,
you will find it." 
(Matthew 10:34-39 Emphasis added)

wow! those are powerful words! read them again. Jesus is talking something serious here. He didn't come to make our lives easier or more peaceful! NO!! in fact, He said that it was to be the exact opposite.
"I came to bring a sword.."
He came with a purpose. and that purpose wasn't to make a Christ follower's life easy.
He wants us to suffer for Him. 
but wait..that doesn't sound like the loving God that i picture in my mind and heart.
maybe a better way to put it would be to say that He wants us to be OKAY with suffering for Him.
all i know is He says that He did not come to bring peace, but to drive apart with a sword.
He says to love another person more than we love Him makes us unworthy of being His.
honestly...after the way He suffered for me, you would think that any way that He asked me to suffer for Him would be a non issue. it wouldn't even be a sacrifice.
but i cannot be that selfless. not yet. Jesus is amazing. i desire, i LONG to be like Him. to be molded after Him.
to be able to sacrifice anything and in any way...
for Him. 
on a second's notice.

maybe the scariest thing about this that it speaks in such strong language.
and it speaks to me.
i have a tendency to spend more time daydreaming about a prince,
while my King sits and waits. constantly pushed aside.
Lord, i want You to be number One in my life.
i want to be willing to make ANY sacrifice for You.
Help me.
Lead Me.

My eyes are fixed on You, don't let them waver. ♥

i know better than having to pretend. i know better than that because of You. i am so sorry that i cannot be everything that You deserve. but then, You knew that, didn't You? You knew that i could never be everything i would need to be. that's why You came. You came to save. and save You did! and i am eternally grateful! but i don't always act like it. i know that too. and i am sorry. i am sorry for the millions of ways and times that i fall short. i am not too prideful to admit that i need You. and i do wish that i was better for You, but i recall Your Words. "Healthy people don't need a doctor-sick people do. I have come to call sinners, not those who think they are already good enough." You called me. just as i am. i don't have to be perfect. and if i were perfect i would have no need for You. and believe me, i have need for You!! 
...You made me new! that realization hits me and i almost smile. i cannot even believe this. why? why would You do that? why would You bother with me? for a second i think to say that there are people better than me. but then i realized that it doesn't work like that. we are all sick people. none of us are healthy. it may be that the people who think they are healthy are the sickest of all.
one thing i know? i am sick. i am a sinner.
another thing? He called me! :)
"I have come to call sinners.." Hey! that's me! not that that is something to be proud of! but...He doesn't want me to wallow in misery and self-pity either.
Lord, every time i fall, You pick me right back up. 
You say, "try again."
so i do.
and i fall. 
much like Peter, when he walked out on the water to You. he was doing good. he had faith. he was walking on water! 
and then he wasn't. in the next instant he was drowning.

because he took his eyes off of You.

help me to never take my eyes off of You.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Give until i can't give no more...and then i give some more..but i don't know another way, anything less than my very best, one hundred percent..just ain't okay..

sometimes i forget why i am here. sometimes i think that everything is all about me and what i can get for myself. i forget that i am here to serve. i forget that i ought to be asking what i can do for someone else.
and then sometimes i live like that. sometimes i AM selfish.
and sometimes i am selfless. which is how God wants me to live, i know.
but sometimes when i am trying to give of myself...i start to wonder how much is enough. i mean, when i do something i do it all the way. i like to see things all the way through. i give all of myself to something. passion. i live with passion. everything i do is an outflow of my passion. and i WANT everything i do to be an outflow of passion for God. but i won't say that it is yet, because that wouldn't be entirely honest.
what i will say is that i am trying.
and i am getting burned out.
when i asked when was the point of enough i didn't mean, "okay God, i've done some giving...when can i stop??" i meant..where SHOULD i stop. like i said, i give every piece of me to something. anything that i do. but sometimes i give and give...until i have nothing left. and i get worn out and burnt out...and i don't know what to do, at that point.
...i think i'm at that point.
i have been trying to live like Jesus. and Jesus never took a break. no, that's not true, He took time to spend with God.
but...i'm doing that!!
but it doesn't outweigh or make up for everything that is going out. all of the energy that is being drained...i cannot figure out a way to make up for that. i cannot...i just don't know what to do.
don't get me wrong, i love being Jesus' Hands and Feet as much as my small being can. and i'm not perfect. i'm not here to say anything of the sort. i'm not here to say that i am such a giver or a saint. all i'm saying is that i am trying to live like Jesus..and i am beginning to wonder how He did it!
it's not easy. and i know no one promised it would be. in fact, i do believe that Someone said it wouldn't be.
"For I did not come here to make peace..."
yea...i'm starting to get it. it's difficult! but He made it that way. sacrifice was never something that was supposed to be simple or easy. That's what my devotional was about today. and i know that. i believe that and it makes sense to me. but...

Where is that line?

That line of TOO MUCH.
i don't want to cross that line. not because i want to only "do my time" and nothing more. none of that nonsense.
i just don't want to give myself away so much that i end up on the ground, drained, hopeless, alone..with no energy left to pursue my own relationship with my Love.
i want to give enough..and then some.
i just don't want to end up drowning in commitments and empty relationships. or even meaningful ones.
Because drowning is never good..under ANY circumstances. 

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"I'd rather break with you, make mistakes with you...than be perfect all alone..." ♥

Right here. Right now. this is it. if i were able to tell you something, i'd tell you that i love you. but i don't want to tell you first. and i fear rejection.
but more than all of that...
i want you to come to me. i want you to make the effort.
i want you to be the man.

"Lead me, with strong hands,
stand up, when i can't
don't leave me, hungry for love,
chasin dreams, but what about us?"

i have been digging into God. investing in Him. i really felt like i needed to get my life right with Him before i could add you to the picture. and i'm not saying i have it all figured out, or that my life is perfect. i'm not saying i only built up my relationship with Him so i could have you.  i'm not saying any of that, because its not true. but i am saying that i knew God had to come first. and i have been trying really hard to PUT Him first.
i still want you though. that hasn't changed. i just hope someday... you will be here. i pray that i never STOP needing you.
i'm not sure which would be worse.
needing you but not having you...
or having you...
but not needing you...

one thing i know for sure. i will ALWAYS have AND need..Him. ♥

oh! and the title of the post...i don't really think i'm perfect. its sort of a figure of speech...saying that even if we mess up and things aren't perfect, at least we are handling them together. at least i am with you. because no matter how beautiful or perfect things could be without you (though they'd never be perfect, cuz i can't be perfect!) ...they would all be various shades of grey to me. i'd rather be a colorful, messy drawing with you, than a flawless black and white photograph alone. i have learned that making a life with someone isn't easy. but that its always worth it. "You lose when you give up, what you love..."
Jesus showed me real love. my parents...have shown me what love for another person looks like. i'm not saying its easy. i'm just saying...

i'm up for the challenge.