Thursday, December 30, 2010

"I'm captivated, by you baby, like a fireworks show..."

there is something inside of me that feels like the person you make a life with should be the person that helped you make it all along…is that right?
and that the one worth waiting for, is the one waiting.
maybe these are skewed misconceptions. maybe i've got it all wrong, after all, what would i know? i have no experience. 
but i do know what i feel. that no one can deny or take away from me. ever.
and i feel like there is a person out there for me. and maybe it doesn't matter if i've known him my whole life, or if he hasn't been there every step of the way. because maybe that is all part of the mystery. part of the fun. 
maybe i don't have to know every step. maybe there is some fun in the surprise, and the spontaneity.  maybe, just maybe, there is something more, something better, than the shallow, superficial relationships i am surrounded by. and maybe i just need to look. 
or maybe, i need to stop looking. stop searching and chasing…
and let myself be found. let my heart be captured and let myself be captivated. 
and let it be ♥

"Bring me back to holding hands in the rain...still i can't explain our july in the rain.." ♥

im thinking about you tonight :) its what i do when i need you. i think about you. i can't imagine you here with me anymore. i can't pretend, even for a minute, i can't dream you up in my head because when i wake up from that dream, alone, it hurts.
more than just not dreaming of you at all. 
hehe... we have a song. did you know that? i play it when i miss you. it makes me smile...
like you do :)
i miss you but i know that they say good things take time.
well, baby, you are amazing. and i am willing to wait.
i am putting this, us, in His Hands. and that, my friend, feels incredible :) 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"More than you, more than you know..." ♥

have you ever lived one of those restless nights? the kind where you just lie in bed and cannot sleep for anything, cuz you know that you need to do something? where you feel too much and you just need to get away? the kind where you need to shut your mind up, but it seems to have plans of it own?
i have. i live those nights more than you'd think. 
or how about the kind where you know you have to do something, but all you can do is sit there and think about me? think about someone? i do. i know i need to go. i know there's a million things i need to do right now. i know that the next morning when i catch my breath again and can function properly, i am going to have so much to do, because i wasted time the night before. but the simple fact is, and nothing can change it, is that i can't do anything about it. i am feeling sooo much. i want to go sit outside. no, i want to throw on my coat and go lie in the snow. feel the cold soak through my jeans, straight into me. i want to stare up at the stars, and think. think about life and everything and just…feel. 
well. i cant do that. but i also know i cannot sit and waste my whole night here either. i have to get up. i have things to do. but i don't think you're going to leave me alone.

and i don't think i'm going to ask you to…

"you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast..." ♥

you know, its days like this that, if i close my eyes, i can almost pretend that its summer again. the hanging out with friends, running back and forth between houses, hanging out as late as we can before our parents drag us home. Still calling out plans for tomorrow as said parents drag us home.
:) yea. if i close my eyes, and forget that fact that i can't feel my toes, the sledding hill can feel just like the playground. i can pretend that the house isn't being heated, but that the air conditioner just isn't working.
the only thing that's missing is the beach...i haven't quite found a way around that one yet ;)
but i wonder why this feels so amazing? yes, theres no school. another thing, is i have no commitments. i worked my summer away. so while this was the best summer ever for a lot of people...i missed it. or i let it pass me by. quite honestly i  think i will never know which is the truth...or why. why i let it go, just like that. like it meant nothing to me when, in reality, it meant everything.
but people make mistakes. people hold onto things they shouldn't...

and people let things that mean the world to them...go without a fight.

its human nature. when something gets hard we immediately let go, or hold tighter. i don't know which i am more...but i think its more of the latter. but this summer...i let it go. it got to be too much for me. there was just so much stuff i had to do and deal with, that something had to go.

somehow, that something ended up being my summer.

but now its winter break. my friends are back together. we are living at someone's house everyday...

and i can almost pretend. close my eyes and...


Monday, December 27, 2010

"knowing if i had but one kiss, the whole room would be glowing.." ♥

its 4 days till new years eve. i have but one wish for the new year. love me. kiss me.
oh, but now i guess you can't do that.
haha. do you know what i have been dreaming about lately?
I dream that, come new years, you will be here. i dream that you will party with me and my friends, and, when it comes time to ring in the new year, you will squeeze in close to me and we will count it down together. in reality, the room is full of our family and friends, but in my head you are the only one i can see. and when the countdown is over and the confetti falls, i dream that you will sweep me up and kiss me. 
What a perfect end to one year, and beginning to another. :) ahhh…
yep. that'd be perfect…

except for one thing.

(well, ok maybe there's more than one issue here!)

but…you can't kiss me.

*sigh. i made a vow. my first going to be…

at the altar.
on my wedding day.

so…this new years, you can't kiss me.

as much as i want you to and as much as i sometimes even think i would break my vow…for you…

but i know i would regret it and that it would taint the kiss and it wouldn't even be as beautiful as it deserves.

so then i guess this is all stupid. this is all pointless. all this dreaming does is make me discontent.

"maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming…" 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

"i've tried, but it takes two to make it, i'm obsessed and you can't fake it"

i will never be done fighting for you. never. nothing has changed and i am still here. im far away but that doesn't mean anything. nothing has changed between us. i need you to see this. i need you to know that no matter what...i will never give up. because i know i would regret it for the rest of my life...if i did. if i just gave up fighting for you, i know that would be the biggest mistake of my life. i know it. and so i'm not gonna let it happen. i'm not. listen to me, i will NEVER be done fighting for you...ever. ♥

"But still i can't explain..."

"why'd i have to go end it like that
thought i moved on then you brought me right back
to the night you took my kiss away from me
i took yours too, then i lost you
bring me back to holding hands in the rain
i swear i'd ease your pain
lift you up so you could finally see
the love you want of me
ive had time and i've had change
i've been broken but still i can't explain
our the rain..." 

i had a chance. chances like that don't come along very often, least, not for me. but i was given one.  i'm pretty sure at the time you didn't realize i'm like a fire hazard. i was liable to blow up at any second.
and ruin everything. 
i'm pretty sure coming into this you didn't know.
but i'm also pretty sure that going out of it you knew.
considering the fact that you were covered in burns and scars of various degrees, some that might never completely heal, but rather, remain as a permanent memory.


wait a second.
that was me.
I was the one...that came out covered in burns and scars. i was the one that knew she would never completely heal.
i'm the one that still hasn't.
not you.

"you can't change
can't take back the words we exchanged
they were like fires burning me repeatedly
and they left a permanent scar as a memory
yea, you left a permanent scar as your memory
so when i look at it
its of you i will think
what a great way to be known
and to go...out
once upon a time i trusted you with my heart
now all you are is a permanent scar..."

♥ so that's it. the final chapter. the end. it's like watching a movie, where bad things keep happening but you think it'll be okay at the end, and they'll get their happily ever after. you hold onto that dream, and when the end rolls around... one of them dies. 
haha, yea, ok. get real. its a movie. you know nothing like THAT ever happens! movie's always have happy endings. more often than they don't, that's for sure.
but real life: yea. thats different.
because this is my real life. this is what i have to live with--maybe...this will be like a movie...

am i wrong to hope for that?
but, you see, maybe i am still stuck in the middle of the movie, the part where bad things keep happening and fate or whatever keeps trying to pull the two people apart...maybe this is the part i have to live and it just feels like it's being drug on but...


no, i guess its not. it's not really over, unless i'm done fighting for you. 
i want you to know something.


Saturday, December 25, 2010

"so what i wanna love, why's it hurt so bad..."

i was going to type some lyrics in here, that describe how i feel right now, but i can't choose just one section. the whole thing hurts like only something relatable can.

"what did i do wrong, tell me its my fault, you didn't lead me on well thats good to know, get your lips off of me i'm not ok with this...i'm done i'm done i'm done you won this time..." ♥

thats the part that hits me THE most.

its just like...when did this happen? when...did i become...the girl that holds on no matter how much it hurts. and it would be different, oh SOOO different...if you liked me back. but ... i just hold on for no reason? since when? since when am i THIS girl?

since you. thats since when. and i know it. you don't, cuz you don't know me. but i i know.
i laugh. i don't mean it. its not actually just hurts. it...i hurt. you hurt me.

is that fair? to blame you for something you don't know about, don't even really play a part in...something you aren't actually doing?
yea, i know. i do this to myself. i put myself through this. i wish i could write something happy here. i wish i could write like i was in love...

i wish i could be in love...

i wish it was a two way street. cuz this whole one way thing has got me really messed up.

me loving without you has got me really messed up...

Friday, December 24, 2010

"we could keep things just the same, leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose, but i don't want to, if you don't want to..." ♥

"i can't find the place, your heart is hidin, and i'm no quitter but i'm tired a fightin..." 

what if when i'm long gone, it dawns on you, you just might want me back, let me make myself clear, if i leave here, its done i'm gone that's that, you carry my love around like its a heavy burden, well i'm about to take it back are you sure its worth it..." 

"But there were Christmases when i didn't wonder how you are..."

♥forever baby, never forget it ever...never forget...


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How faithless does this sound? and yet, its where im at. no lies, no denying it...just truth. hard, honest, truth. and im so sorry it has to be this way.

so im coming home...oh how i wish the circumstances were better! oh, how i would give so much...for this to not be happening! 
i picked up my Bible today and found comfort, as i do nearly every time i pick it up, especially in hard situations. and it makes me wonder why i don't pick it up more often. but i am still in shock and still wondering...

WHY NOW? WHY THIS? WHY HER? i just don't understand this. and i know, oh i KNOW that this isn't God's fault. but the question burning in my mind is WHY IS HE LETTING THIS HAPPEN...? i mean, i know that He isn't doing this...

but He isn't stopping it either.

"Its 3 am. and i finally say. that im sorry. for actin that way. i didn't really mean to. make you cry. oh baby. sometimes i wonder why. why does it always have to come down to you leavin."

wow. so is this what its gonna be from now on? is the game over? or are you just walking off in the middle of it?
who said you got to decide anyways? 

"is that all i am to you, a mistake?"

is this the truth? the sad, hard, solid truth?

"At this point im expected to move on."

so much for fearless love. how bout feelingless love? haha. yea, i guess thats more like it. but the truth is...i've always felt something for you. i couldn't stop if i tried. and trust me, sometimes...i wish i could.
my friend got engaged last night. ENGAGED!! wow. and here i am...crying over you. when in actuality, you are the LAST thing i should be crying about right now. 


and're the easiest to focus on...
you're the easiest to put all my energy and tears into...

and so i do.

you are a distraction, a diversion. 
but more than that...i wish you were here to hold me right now. to hold me tight...and never let go. i need someone..i need you. and im not even being dramatic...i really do. i need to feel something, or else i need someone here to feel for me. 
i've been asking my friends to pray right now...because i need someone to do it for me. i feel like...i cant even get the words out. it just hurts and yet i am numb at the same time. 
but who is going to feel for me? who is going to do my feeling so i don't have to.
ya know, its funny and its ironic. i'm walking around downtown today and theres this snowy fog thats settled in and covered the town.

that's what i feel around my heart. that theres this fog thats settled in and covered it. i feel like i am walking around through life, looking at things through a i can see it...but not clearly. and i know EXACTLY why that is.
i know EXACTLY who can fix it.
and its not you.
but you are easier to reach for. 
and yet you don't help.
you just make the fog thicker.
and there is only One that could take away the don't i let Him?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"It's another heart attack, and i can't handle that, oh, Love, i need You back..." ♥

i am beginning to scare myself. i can feel myself slipping back. back into who i was and i am seriously SCARED. because i hate that girl. no, thats not entirely true, she taught me a lot and i love her for that....but let me make myself clear...


i just cant go back there. i just...cant. (*voice cracks) i don't EVER want to be her. EVER again. EVER.

i am pretty sure i went through my "Avril" phase. my depressed phase...yea, i do, painfully, recall all of that. 

i love who i am now :) i am....funny and lovable and sweet and beautiful and loved and....everything i wasn't or i didn't believe i was or ever could be...back when i was her.

this will never make any sense unless you've been here. unless you've been her.
but i have been. so it makes sense to me. 

I AM SERIOUSLY SCARED RIGHT NOW! SCARED....almost for my life. because i went through A LOT of hard stuff to get to where i am right now. stuff i DON'T want to have to go through again...

I DON'T WANT TO BE HER AGAIN!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD, DON'T....don't make me be her...please...don't let me be her.
i am praying. i am praying so hard right now. and i am blasting Colbie Caillat trying to bring myself back to my country girl, easy going, HAPPY girl...

maybe i am just emotional tonight...but i know the truth...and the truth is that i have MADE myself unhappy. by constantly wishing for and pretending to have...what i don't. 

which is a guy.

WHY ISN'T GOD ENOUGH??? I KNOW HE OUGHT TO BE!!!  I KNOW HE WANTS TO BE!!! why won't i let Him be?

Jesus...would You...come be with me tonight? would You watch over me? would You...fill me?
...Please...I know i don't deserve it...You...But i am asking, please...Please be Enough for me. More than Enough...i know You can be...i think You even want to be..."i need You back..." 

"do you see how much i need you right now...when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missin you, when you're gone, the face i came to know is missin too, when you're gone the words i need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok....i miss you...." ♥

once upon a time...

and again, i am struck with news so harsh it makes me numb. actually, i was numb long before this. i have been numb since i saw you today. i couldn't even look you in the eyes...


sometimes....ugh. i need to take a step back.  i need to breathe...and mostly...i need to pray.

but i don't feel like i can do any of that. i can't feel right now. except...

to still long for him. even when i know oh i KNOW this isn't about you, either one of you...and yet...its too big for me to carry alone.
That. That is why i need you tonight. this burden is too heavy, even for me...Especially for me. To carry. Alone.  wish you could be here....could and would...two very different things. tonight..i think i need to depend on my girls to pray for me...i'll try...

but i just don't feel like i am going to get very far.

Hopefully God will understand...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

i wish i was here...and i wish you were with me 

Saturday, December 4, 2010

lead me on

we are playing pretend. that's all we are really doing. we are going back and forth with this fairytale laced lie, and pretending it's a reality...our reality.  
or maybe i am alone in this. and imagining you once again. you were here, at one point. but nothing is ever a clean split with me. "i don't care if we go nowhere, you're all i see..."   

"tell me what i wanna hear, i don't care if you're lyin baby....let me pretend that it's not wrong, baby lead me on..."

"you know what i want, you know what i need, i know when you're gone, you won't even think about me..."  

yep. that is it. i am soooo very much exactly like that. i long for you to say what i need to hear. to the point where i don't even care if it's the truth. 

"keep your truth and tell me lies..."  

why?? why am i like that?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"so many things that i wish you knew..." ♥

things i would tell you if i only could:

♥ i am a country girl. a redneck and proud of it! ;) i love it!

♥ music is my heart. it says things even when i can't figure out the words to use…that's when quoting songs comes in handy. or when i need to express something and can't come right out and say it.

♥ i am sooooo low-maintenance. really! i'm not like other girls you might know. i don't need a lot…just you :)

♥ my ideal date: ripped jeans, sitting in the booth at like, culvers, talking and laughing over burgers, fries and choc. milkshakes ♥

♥ or walkin down the street together during summer with chocolate cones :)

♥ i am quiet but that is only because i am trying to process things. it's not that i don't like you, most likely its not that i am shy, or (and this is the one i hate the most when people assume) i am not depressed! i just deal with and feel things differently. i process and analyze and over analyze…EVERYthing!!

♥ i don't necessarily know what i want to do with my life. there's some options on the table and i am taking my time in deciding. but, at this point, i do not forsee college in my future and i don't want to hear the lecture ;)

♥ oh yea, i am VERY VERY VERY sarcastic! ;P so please, please don't misunderstand it and think i hate you!! 

♥ "I could be your favorite blue jeans with the holes in the knees in the bottom of the top drawer, i could be your little beauty queen just a little out of reach or the girl livin next door, i'll be your angel givin up her wings if that what you need, i'd give everything to be your anything…"    which isn't really true…but lately you have me singing a different tune…

♥ you have a song. everyone in my life does :) ….well, pretty much every GUY does, hehe

♥ i believe in the fairytales :) i am waiting for my prince charming. i really am and i don't care what ANYONE says! because he will come…  :)

♥ i am tough!! i have actually scared off guys… (*sheepish grin) hehe, not that that was my intention, trust me, he was a guy i really DID NOT want to scare off…but i kinda did…anyways, the POINT i am trying to make here is that i won't take any…let's just say anyone that want to be in my life better be decent or else pack their bags.

♥ which leads me to my next 2 points. i am a rambler…no further comment needed :)

♥ i am not high maintenance, as was pre discussed. i simply know that i deserve better than some people and their pettiness, as does everyone else! the difference, between me and everybody else? i won't put up with it. i am not so desperate to be loved and accepted that i will put up with anything….most of the time…


♥ i want to tell you i love you. and then i laugh as i read over those words. i am too quick to "fall in love". its a fault of mine. 
so, i will NOT be telling you this anytime soon. because i don't want you to become a statistic, in the database of my life…or a memory. i want you to stay here and i want to get to know you. i like you fine. :) you are an amazing guy. but that is as far as this can go. otherwise…you are no more than another on the list. the list of guys that i thought i was in love with and wanted so badly to tell, then moved on when someone else came along. and, while the list is short, it's not a place you want to be. and not a place I want you to be….truth is…i don't know how i feel. but, here is the list, for anyone interested, of who i am. things i want a guy to know. oh, there's so much more! but my fingers hurt from typing and besides…that kinda takes the fun out of getting to know a person. hehe. so i will leave you with this. take it or leave it. in essence, take or leave me. but…please don't toy with me, okay? and i will do my best to give you the same respect ♥