Friday, June 24, 2011

"I've seen your act and I know all the facts, I'm still in love with who I wish you were.."

And yet here i sit.
I need to figure out what i want. I need something to fight. I am going through day after day and i am so hurt but in a different way than i ever have been.
I just don't know where to turn.
But i cant be stuck any longer.
It hurts too much to let life pass you on all sides.
It hurts too much to be stuck in my same old stubborn ways.
I am sick of this and i want a way out.
No, not a way out.
Just a different way to live.
I wish that the one person that keeps popping into my head as the person who might understand all this was someone else.
Because the one person coming to mind i cant talk to.
But he shows up in my dreams. And the weirdest thing was, in my dream...we talked.
I mean....he knew me.
I don't know. I really just need to get my head on straight. But the thing is...i have worked all my life to keep it off kilter.
I don't like doing things "the normal way". I don't like being "like everyone else".
I don't like thinking things through logically.
And yet, thats exactly what i'm longing for right now.
Because i need to make some decisions.
I just..........................................................
I dont know right now.
Story. Of. My. Life.

Temptation in the form of boyfriend shorts.

Oh my gosh they are so adorable!! And they look really good on me, which isn't something i admit easily. But i mean it, they are soooo cute!!
And they are going back.
Aside from the fact that they cost me $33, they just don't fit with my convictions. I wanted them to, and thats why i brought them home in the first place.
But i shouldn't have. I should've never tried them on. i should have never bought them.
But i did. I should have passed them by when i saw them on the rack.
But i didn't.
I was weak.
But now i will be strong. I will return them. I am typing this here so you guys can see it and keep me accountable.

Im a liar.

No matter how many times i try, i fail just as many.
I want to live this life for You God...
I just don't know how.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

"I look back and i hate it that i couldn't tell..."

Im not sure what to make of all this yet. Sometimes i feel like i am just fumbling my way through this life. I walk, i trip, i fall, God picks me up, i start to walk again....
the same process repeats itself day in and day out. 
I am not doing anything extraordinary. I am not stepping out and making a difference. I am living selfishly. I am living in the moment. I am living in sin. I am living for myself.
And i don't want this to be my life anymore.
I am afraid i will come to the end and not see anything that stood out.
Im afraid i wont have anything to be proud of.
And, moreover, i'm afraid there wont be anything for YOU to be proud of.
and, right now, the truth is that there ISN'T anything like that.
But that changes today.
I am done with this. I leave for camp, on a COLLEGE campus, in four days.
I am going to a college four. days.
This feels like a sneak peek of my future. It feels weird to even think i still have a year left of high school. Because a part of me feels like its time. Its time to go. Its time to stop playing around and DO SOMETHING!
And a part of me, the scared little girl part, wishes she was 11 again.
Last night....I laid here reminiscing, and the most vivid scene came to mind. And all i could think was, "life was easier back then". 
When they say you don't wanna grow up, and that you should enjoy being a kid...
They aren't lying.
I never knew what i had until it was gone. But, its that way with everything. And with everyone. No one takes time to appreciate where they're at. We're a fast paced society; we are always looking ahead. 
I want to take time!
but i think that even if i did stop and enjoy my life, i would still look back and long. I always want what i cant have.
But im gonna try something.
Im done living in "Rewind". And i certainly wont live in "Fast Forward". Thats just too fast. I dont want life to pass me by. But "Pause" just isn't working out either. And i will NEVER hit that "Stop" button.
So, im aiming for something new. 
I'm just gonna live in "Play". And, I'm gonna live for God. From this moment on. I swear to you and to You that this is not just another one of my empty promises. I mean this. I swear i do. 
Im not perfect, but im DONE using my imperfection as an excuse.
im living in "Play". And He is calling the shots.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Don't let go.

My heart breaks for you. Like you don't even know. I am so sorry. I cannot even put my feelings into words. Or maybe I am afraid to.
Or maybe I just know this isn't the place for them.
But I do know the place for them.
Your heart.
And yet I am afraid of the impression this will give off. I'm afraid its not my place. I'm afraid of what people, including you, would say.
And the risk somehow not worth the result? Worth the gain?
No. No of course not!
What I would do to make you see everything that you are.
What I would do to make you know how much you mean to everyone.
But although I know these are the words you need to hear, I know I am not the person you want to hear them from.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Summer thoughts....

So far i feel like i am wasting my summer. I am just lying around. Living day to day and making no plans. Flying by the seat of my pants, if you will.
And i love that :)
But somethings need to change.
Or, multiple decisions actually.
And i have a plan as far as making those decisions...
I think i am just scared to see the words on paper.
I don't want anything about this process to actually be real.
I want things back the way they were last summer.
But i know they cant be. They cant be for so many reasons. People grow up, people change. Its just what happens.
I will forever miss this when its all over. 
When i am sitting in my college dorm looking out the window wishing i had my friends around me for a game of football; or a neighborhood stakeout....
But i know things change. Its just gonna take me a while to come to terms with this, okay?
But one thing still kills me. 
Why am i conforming?
Why am i giving in so easily?
Maybe because this is just one more battle to fight and i, quite frankly, am out of strength.
Maybe i just don't know what else to tell everyone. 
Maybe i should just pick a college, take the tests and apply.
Maybe i just should.
"Trying to find that all elusive piece of mind, im stuck here, somehow, shrouded beneath my fear and doubt..." Oh Colbie... Thats all this is. Fear. And doubt.
I am stuck because im scared. I don't know what happened to that fearless girl. That one who would fight for what she wanted. That one that would NEVER lay down and die. That one that holds on through thick and thin. The one that believes in love no matter how much anything might be falling apart around her.
All i know is i miss her. <3

What is this? Days...11 and 12 i guess :)

So far, this modesty thing isn't so hard anymore. Well...that might be partly cuz its been like 60s and so, of course, no real need for shorts and tank tops period! Woo Hoo! I just check the forecast; 70 somethings ALL. WEEK!!!
I cant believe its june and still weather like this! :(
But God has a plan, i know. And, in everything, i am trying to praise Him. 
I suppose my silver lining in this colder weather is that i am not as tempted to dress immodestly. :)
<3 <3 <3

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I just wanted to say...

Thanks. Seriously, i love you guys. You are all amazing! I have had friends speak into my life in more ways than ever this week. And, at first, it was really hard for me to not be offended. But then, i started to realize that they were speaking out of love. 
I had friends come along side me, friends help me up, and friends tell me where i was wrong.
And that last part was HARD! But i appreciate it, all of it, more than you know. :)
So thanks for being real friends. And thanks for seeing me inside and out and still loving me.
You all are incredible! <3
Love you
Morgan <3

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Truth is.

1-Truth is...God is good. In fact, He is better than good. And there aren't even words that do Him justice.
2-Truth is...God has blessed my life with so many amazing people and things that i don't deserve.
3-Truth is...These friends stick with me even when im acting like a dork and only focusing on the bad parts of life.
4-Truth is...I love them for that.
5-Truth is...Today i resolve to choose the good. In every scenario. Because, as i proved yesterday, focusing on the negative only makes you more upset. Whereas trying to see the positive in every situation, can only be a good thing.
6-Truth is...My family is amazing. But sometimes things fall apart and sometimes things don't go like they should. Sometimes things happen. But we are working it out.
7-Truth is...I am weak. But i am weak by choice. God is always there, always waiting for me to come to Him and ask for His Strength. And always willing to give it to me. Its when i turn away and decide to not even try that i end up in deep water.
8-Truth is...I had 50 truths written out and something happened and erased all but seven of them.
9-Truth is...I will not get irritated. I will not get irritated. I will not get irritated.
10-Truth is...God is my life. My air. Without Him i would be nothing.
11-Truth is...I have dreams and i have baby plans. And, at the moment, the two clash. And im not sure how i should feel about that yet, but i am trying to figure out how to make this all work.
12-Truth is...I have a tendency to try and control everything and its been really hard trying to GIVE UP my control.
13-Truth is...Ive pretty much been taught by life that if i want to make sure things work out then i need to Stay. On. Top. Of. Things.
14-Truth is...God's Truth is starting to unravel everything the world has taught me.
15-Truth is...I haven't quite figured out how to live IN the world but not OF it.
16-Truth is...However, i am taking baby steps in that direction.
17-Truth is...Being a little kid was grand. And i will always treasure those memories. Always. They will stay in my heart. But i cant go back and i know that.
18-Truth is...I am in denial that this will be my age next year.
19-Truth is...I hate reality.
20-Truth is...I love to look at life through fairytale tainted eyes.
21-Truth is...God and life have been opening up my eyes more to the truth about the world and about people.
22-Truth is...That has been really hard for me.
23-Truth is...And i have tried to not embrace it.
24-Truth is...I am 10 months away from being an "adult" so maybe it IS time to start seeing reality...
25-Truth is...Its gonna have to come in small doses.
26-Truth is...But i know God will be there with me every step of the way.
27-Truth is...(I so wrote 25 twice and had to go fix it! =P haha) Truth is i am trying to ask God to light up my path. And then im asking for strength to follow.
28-Truth is...I am scared to leave. It might happen and the pessimistic/realistic part of me is trying to prepare myself.
29-Truth is...I know to trust Him and im trying.
30-Truth is...The world and life have taught me not to trust anyone.
31-Truth is...They have also taught me i need to always be in control.
32-Truth is...God has been teaching me things and that has been undoing all that the world has instilled in me.
33-Truth is...I am trying to grab hold of Him and let Him control. I am trying to trust.
34-Truth is...I fail. A lot. But God always always ALWAYS picks me back up!!
35-Truth is...I am not perfect.
36-Truth is...I am done trying to be.
37-Truth is...I am trying to model my life after Christ, instead of this unattainable "perfection" the world tries to get me to go after.
38-Truth is...God has stood by me throughout everything and i can never show my thankfulness enough.
39-Truth is...No one said this life was gonna be easy. In fact, im pretty sure that somewhere in the verse "Shoulder your cross and follow Me" is the implication that Life. Will. Be. Tough.
40-Truth is...So for that reason i am all done being weak. I will no longer roll over and die. I will stand firm and strong in Him.
41-Truth is...I am so thankful for friends that pull me back when i start to slide down the wrong path. Thank you <3 I love you.
42-Truth is...I don't deserve as many second chances as God has given me. I don't deserve any. I don't deserve anything in this life that i have been given. And thats what makes it such an amazing gift. A GIFT. Because i could NEVER earn or deserve any of the things God has blessed me with.
43-Truth is...I have been through a lot. Most of it was of my own causing. But God was merciful through everything and He has been using my fallings for good lately. Not that that in any way justifies my messing up. But, like the Bible says, "All things work together for His Glory".
44-Truth is...I have never been too far for God to love me. And He has brought other people into my life that love me too, in spite of my being upset or being "depressed" sometimes...they love me through everything. I love you guys and i am so thankful for you.
45-Truth is...I love writing letters. Hahaha that was random. But i love them! And i have found that some of my favorite parts of the Bible are near the end of the New Testament where letters are written. Like, when Paul wrote to the church...ya know what i mean :) yeah, i like those! Its almost like he wrote the letter directly to me. <3
46-Truth is...I never am alone. No matter how much it may feel like that sometimes.
47-Truth is...Writing 50 good things has bee harder than it was to write 50 bad things yesterday...what does that tell you about the way i have trained my mind to think...?
48-Truth is...No matter what anyone tells me, i know that i am beautiful and strong. But i am these things only because of Christ inside of me.
49-Truth is...I. AM. GOOD. AT. THINGS! Not everything, but some things. Sometimes i am my own worst enemy when it comes to feeling inferior. But that is almost like a strike against my Creator, because its like saying He created something defective. When, really, i just need to stop listening to satan's lies.
50-Truth is...Jesus. Jesus is truth. And thats all that matters. <3 <3 <3

Friday, June 10, 2011

Truth is...

truth is...i am sick of feeling unpretty.
truth is...i am so tired of standing strong when i should never have had to stand at all.
truth is...i am not afraid to be weak. and i am not against being strong.
truth is...i am just sick of fighting battles that aren't even mine.
truth is...there are things that would fall apart if i didn't hold them together.
truth one even knows this.
truth is...i am pretend.
truth is...i might as well be a ghost, because everyone can pass right through me as if i mean and feel nothing at all.
truth is...i break so easily.
truth is...everyone thinks its the opposite.
truth is...i miss someone.
truth is...i cry myself to sleep over his not being here more nights than i have even been close to him.
truth heart is scarred and no one can change that.
truth is...sometimes i cant believe in love.
truth is...thats really bad cuz love is the thing i live for.
truth is...i am so sick of playing what if.
truth is...i don't know what to do with my life.
truth not even sure i know what i WANT.
truth is...i really don't know what i NEED to do!
truth is...i listen to careless music because it is the only thing in my life that helps me NOT think.
truth is...i am forever over thinking and over analyzing. EVERYTHING.
truth one gets too close.
truth is...i push people away.
truth is...i say i want people to know me.
truth is...i run when that happens...if not before.
truth is...i can pretend all i want but i know what i know.
truth used to handling everything on my own.
truth is...its so hard for me to open up. except for through writing and music. and thats why this blog is the only one who will ever hear all of this.
truth is...even my best friends don't know all the details. cuz thats just too complicated.
truth life seems defined by that word. complicated.
truth is...i am sick of being defined.
truth is...i don't wanna leave.
truth gonna miss this. a lot. and i am so scared that i wont get to enjoy it much longer
truth is...i hate when people worry and i do everything i can to get them to stop.
truth is...i cant say no.
truth is...i get talked into things i don't wanna do.
truth is...if you want something all you have to do is ask. (i should work on that...)
truth is...i get vulnerable.
truth is...when i get like this i need reassurance.
truth is...when i go looking for that it always ends badly. ALWAYS.
truth is...someone that reads this will probably take it wrong.
truth is...i wish i could stop caring what others think.
truth is...i don't mean to be mean. 
truth just sick of getting hurt.
truth is...i push first. to make sure you don't.
truth is...that doesn't make me a hypocrite cuz i just don't let anyone close in the first place.
truth is...i get lead on. so easily.
truth is...i refuse to get my hopes up cuz every time i do they come crashing down. hard. harder than if i hadn't got them up in the first place.
truth is...i know better but i dont always act like it.
truth is...i hate that girls always feel like we have to be perfect.
truth is...?

This is the most anyone will ever know about me. you have no idea....this is a lot to know. and its cryptic, a lot of it is. its just my thoughts so it might not all make sense to you.
it feels really good just to get it out there though. <3

Days 9 & 10

hahaha i cant seem to actually keep up with this! Ha so maybe ill just do it for 2 days at a time, like this. or not. anyways, thats not the point.
this is getting easier day after day.
but today i looked in the car mirror and was like, "ugh". not good. cuz when i feel like that about myself, i wanna slather on a bunch of makeup so i look "perfect". And i cry over my lack of hair. i am still caught in between getting or not getting hair extensions. 
one good reason i would say to get them would be that, with my hair this short, it poofs out and i have to constantly and consistently straighten it. which is really damaging. so i don't even know if it will grow good if i have to straighten it every day....hmm...
so thats where i am. mostly i avoid mirrors when i feel like this. 
and i avoid scales at...pretty much all costs. i still stand in between diet or not.
idk and writing this is hard right now cuz i just have to face it all.
sometimes i like make believe so much better.
so, i will live in ignorance just a little while longer.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Days 7 & 8

So i forgot to post last night...and i forgot to read my Bible this morning...
Gosh i am having an off day!
But in my defense, getting up at 5:30am yesterday, watching my little brothers and sister all day, staying up late with them and CAMPING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR, and then waking back up to do it all over again...
might cause ANYone to have an off day.
But even in light of these set backs, there haven't been any major struggles today.
Well, except for being irritated with my little brothers. 
But as far as modesty...i think i am starting to get it. I go out without or with little makeup a lot too! :D Yesterday i did it without even realizing it!
Now i struggle with another beauty issue. 
Ugh. No never mind, i will not go on here and get into this. I am not even...just not going there.
I will learn to see myself as beautiful. I don't do diets. Because everything i do is all or none. 
So, in this case, i choose none.
God made me beautiful and i will learn to accept and see that. <3 <3

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day 6

Yup. Should've posted this last night.
Not much to say. 
I cannot judge how well i am doing exactly. 
Sometimes i wonder if what im wearing is "modest enough".
But, to be fair, its 90+ degrees here!!!
Its HOT!

So i had a cute outfit planned in my head for this morning.
And when i put it on, i realized it looked a little inappropriate. 
I battled with myself for literally like 5 minutes.
but in the end i took it off and put on something less revealing.
dang. this is not easy.
but you know what?
I am proud of myself. 
I have never really felt that way before. I have never had anything to BE proud of.
:) And now...
And im finding its easier to say no.
I have never been good at that. No matter what you previously thought about me, i have a hard time saying no. So saying no today to what i was originally planning to wear was empowering to me.
But this whole saying no thing has been a battle in every area of my life. Thats why i feel so overtaxed sometimes. I can't say no.
Scratch that. I WAS weak.
Through God's Grace and Mercy, i am learning to be strong. ♥ 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day Five

I meant to post last night but i got a little sidetracked, and then it was too late.
Yesterday was pretty good. Not much to say, modesty wise. The day itself was a little up and down. Sort of an emotional rollercoaster. 
But somedays are just like that.
Yesterday i had to work, so i wore a (life is good) tee and long shorts :)
And last night my daddy told me that he liked my choice of shorts and that he appreciated my making a choice like that. So, i have to say that was pretty sweet and i definitely appreciated it.
I am glad to be getting so much support from my family and from my friends during this process.
I love you all.
And to anyone reading this, i am sorry if all i ever do is complain.
I don't mean to. 
I am actually really thankful for my life and the gifts and people that God has blessed my life with.
Okay, that is all. <3 <3 <3

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Everyday i choose between being weak or standing strong.

I am also trying to change...
The way i live and ESPECIALLY the way i dress.
And it has been difficult and it still is. But i feel like i have let things go unnoticed and unchecked in my life...
But no more.
My word lately seems to be weak.
I just cant seem to beat that. Everything in my life lately seems to revolve around that word, or its opposite. Strong.
I have to choose, everyday, in everything i do, whether i will be weak or be strong.
And for a long time i chose weak. And sometimes i still do. 
But i am done. I am done being weak and taking the easy way out. 
And this applies to everything in my life, little or big.
From not biting my tongue and saying something sarcastic and mean to my brothers, to the way that i dress. And yes, i envy those girls that can pull on their bikinis and short shorts and not think anything of it.
Sort of. 
I also feel bad for them.
And for the guys around them.
And, yes, a little bit for myself. Because i miss that. 
Walking away from one life and creating another isn't easy.
Nothing about this experience has been easy.
But thats part of the reason i think it will be worth it. 
Because most of the worthwhile things in life are things you have to work for.
I am willing to work. But its getting hard.
If anyone is reading this, would you please pray for me?
Thanks, love you <3 <3

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day Four.

Most of my day wasn't even spent here in town. But that really doesn't matter. The only thing is that living here, in a beach/resort town, temptations run stronger. Temptations to give in and be like everyone else. 
But, despite having to get up early, i still took time and read my Bible this morning :)
That really does make all the difference.
And i feel like this is becoming easier. 

I actually looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said "You are beautiful." and meant it!

But the only thing...i just don't know HOW modest i am truly being. Where, oh where, is that line?
God, i pray, please show me! I desperately need to know...
I am so sick of middle ground. I want something better. I want something more.
I want to live the way He showed me how to.
I only get ONE life here on this earth. There are no redos or second tries. This is it.

And i want to make it count.
For Him. <3

Friday, June 3, 2011

Day Three.

I spent the day at work today, so not a whole lot of thoughts. The day was mostly uneventful. I went to the beach earlier this morning with my little brothers. And, surprisingly, i was mostly able to accept the fact that i was the only teenage girl wearing a tankini. And i didn't even wear a tank top over it to make it look like i was wearing a tank over a bikini. (since you could only see the straps.) I wore my tankini and shorts. At first when i got there i regretted not having worn a tank top. But...i got over it. I got over the looks. And, to be honest, there weren't that many. At least, not that i noticed. I was having fun. Playing with my brothers and, for the most part, not caring what anyone else thought.
Maybe i am making progress?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Day Two.

I will say that today was...mostly okay. No beach scene so that was nice. And i got to wear a sweatshirt because it was only fifty-some degrees. 
But my day didn't go completely smooth. 
But you know what i just realized?
That i chose not to read my Bible this morning.
I woke up and did my other things, went downstairs to say goodbye to my mom before she left for work, and told myself id come back and read it.
I never did.
Also, i wasted a whole day just lying around.
On the plus side. I listened to Christian music today (well, besides that one uncontrollable hour at work...) and aside from like...MY music..and like songs that i was working on and such.
But anyways. Christian music. Barlow Girl was awesome! I had forgotten how much i loved them!! <3
So i learned something new today :)
And while i will probably go back to listening to regular music some point..i am going to try and incorporate more Christian music in too...and filter out some other things i listen to...
I just need to say something here. In black and white. I feel like i am battling a lot of things right now. And i feel like there is a lot at work trying to keep me weak.
Not a good combination. 
So, more than ever, i need to be strong. But it needs to not be a facade. I need to be strong for real.
So, tomorrow morning i will wake up and read my Bible. I read it tonight to make up for this morning, but i really like starting off my day with it. I feel like it helps make me strong for the day. :)
God is strong. He keeps me strong. God is merciful. To forgive me when i am weak.
God is Love. And He is MY Love. <3 <3 <3 How blessed i am...WE are... :)


I was walking along the beach yesterday. Leaving footprints in the sand. The tide would come and wash them away and, all of a sudden, a thought hit me.
This was like God washing away all traces of the places i've been. Its like, as i walk and i feel like i am leaving a mark; evidence that ive been there; He is actually coming behind me and washing it away.
He doesn't hold anything against me. He washes it away. Its like, all the places that ive been...all the ground i walked on that i shouldn't have...all the roads i wandered down that i should have avoided...and i thought i had left a mark there. I felt like i had left evidence behind me. I feared that a part of me would forever be lost in these deep, dark places.
But when i stopped, quieted my mind, and turned around to see...i was astonished to find that God was coming behind me and...erasing it!

It was like i had never even been there.

And i can't even describe to you how that felt. <3

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day One.

Today marks a new month. June 1st. :)
So. Consider this Day One.
I am on a search. A quest. Fighting a battle. Whatever you want to call it.
I have been on my "modesty" lifestyle for a little while now. But i figured that since today marked a new month, i could start here and make it official :)
So, some thoughts about Day One?

This is hard. I hate to see all these girls. Bikinis...and, this one kills me the most, short shorts. Because, to be honest, i LOVE short shorts! I just like how they look and how they fit...and for YEARS i fought with my parents about clothes. They would never give in and i love them for that. But now, they don't That's not true. They are letting me make my own decisions (to an extent of course!), would be a better way to say it. And i imagine that's easy for them at the moment because i am making good decisions for...pretty much the first time in my life. 
For the most part. I realize that i am sitting here writing this and letting a Lady Gaga song play on the radio.
Well, the song is over now. I don't know...i feel like...
oh my. It's coming back to me. A few weeks ago. I sat here with such an amazing friend. She told me that modesty has to come from the inside and work its way out. 
So, sure, on the outside what i WEAR looks modest. But what about the ideas i am filtering into my head, and, ultimately, my heart?
Wow. That is enough to make you stop. 
But, if i were being real honest, which, in my mind, is kind of the point of this blog.... i like my careless music. It helps me...escape. My life feels a little crazy right now. And i'd be lying to say that i don't like a temporary...escape from reality.
And i don't mean that the way it probably sounds. Its just...careless music makes me...careless. 
Which, to be fair, might be the problem. 
But i like it because it helps me to STOP. THINKING.
Something i am sooo not good at. I am forever overthinking.
I don't know what to say. I thought i'd come on here and complain about how everyone around me gets to wear things and be careless. How they show off their tan stomachs in their bikinis and long legs in their short shorts. I thought i'd get to pity myself a bit about not having long hair and just generally being unable to see my beauty.
And yet, all i did was dig up another issue. Another thing i have to face head on. Another difficult task. A challenge. Yet another battle to engage in.
Will i forever be at war?

Make me feel beautiful.

I am not asking you to MAKE me beautiful. Just let me know my beauty. Make me feel worthy. I am not asking you to MAKE me worthy. Or to free me of any unworthiness. I'm asking you to help me see my worth. Allow me to feel weak. Be strong enough for the both of us.
I want to be here with you. I want you to hold me. I want to be weak and I want it to be okay because you are here being strong enough for us both. I just.... want to be with you. I'm not asking for much. I just want to do this life with you. Because I am scared and lost and broken WITHOUT you. I don't need you to complete me. BUT I DO NEED YOU!!! Because there are somethings I do that I do because I have to. Things that, if you were here with me, could all change. Like being tough. Like hiding away and feeling unpretty. Like bring afraid and not having you to protect me. Like being strong while every fiber of my being wants to be weak. Like holding things and myself together when all I feel like doing is falling apart. I Love You. ♥ Always and forever baby. I just wish I knew who you are. And I wish that we'd already started on forever. I miss you. Which sounds stupid since I don't even know who you are. But I long to be with you with everything inside of me. And not just so I can be weak. But because I love you and I just wanna be with you forever. ♥

She longs to run she longs to go, but she's held back by fear, she's scared of what she doesn't know, so she remains right here.

I am feeling discontent. No big deal...I'll get over it... Or maybe? I won't. What do I want?! Why is it that just when things are calm(ish) in my life, I suddenly become disconnected and disinterested and....discontent? Why can't I just be happy with the calm waters that God has given me? I ought to be thankful for them. I have had enough stress lately to last me... Well, awhile. But I'm bored. I'm bored with life. Not because God has made my life boring... But because i have. I am not doing anything. Anything at all. I am sitting around. Not making a difference... And not going after my dream. And this circles back to the topic of never allowing myself to feel good at anything. Ever. I dont go after my dream because... I am afraid of being rejected. I cannot return the stare of a cute boy with a smile because... I am afraid of being rejected. I cannot do anything because I hold myself back. But we've already been over this.

Its like i just can't admit that i'm good at anything...

"I can't" has become another word for "I'm afraid". I feel like my life is confined by the countries of "i can't". "I can't's" and "I'm unable's" have been deciding the way i live...pretty much all my life. And I have allowed it. Because it is easier to simply say, "oh I can't do that!" "oh I'm no good at that!", than it is to admit to being afraid to even try. I think...I'm afraid to be good at something. Because then I might actually feel like I have some worth. I think I am being lied to. Satan wants me to feel worthless and he wants to tell me I'm not good at anything, and that i can't do anything. And when I believe him, I let him win. Instead of using my God given talents, I conform to Satan's lies. But then again, all my life I have, by ommission, heard this lie. Oh, people never told me that I wasn't good at anything, or that I was worthless (well...except for that one person...) But nobody ever told me I could. Or I was. They didn't stop and say, "wow Morgan, you're really good at that". Or, when people did tell me that, I brushed it off. Because I'd been hearing the lies so long, that I passed the truth off as lip service. But why? Why should I conform any longer? Because I AM good. I know it. And I WANT so badly to do this. I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I already have minimal self confidence as it is, and to potentially have that be shot down... Or to be built up. I have said before how I don't want regrets, or coming to the end of my life and playing "what if". And yet, that's EXACTLY what I am setting myself up for. By conforming to and giving into fear, that's exactly what I'm preparing for. Regrets and what if. Is that what it's worth to me? To hide in my shell? Or should I take a chance? Put myself out there? Believe in myself?! And pray for the best...?
Because the truth is, hidden in all of my "can't's" is more or less a "won't". I won't try this or i won't do that or i won't take a risk.

"Can't" is another word for fear.

I miss winter.

I miss winter. Yes, the girl that hates cold and loves summer honestly just wrote that. Although, to be honest, I miss fall. Not really winter... But my initial thought was "I miss winter." And would you care to know why, just when it's getting nice and warm (slowly but surely) I long for the cool autumn days? It's because I could hide. I could hide in my jeans that made me feel good and my oversized sweatshirts. Slap that together with my fabulous curls that I no longer have, and you know how I looked all winter. But now... We've got short shorts. We've got bikinis. We've got tank tops and camis. We've got girls with perfect tan bodies and perfect hair. And their gorgeous boyfriends. During winter... Everyones in hibernation And Everyone wears clothes...because it's cold. I am just so sick of the looks. The "you'll never measure up" looks. I am so sick of walking everywhere with my head down. Because I am ashamed. Why?! I should love who I am. And I do. Until I look around. And the thing I miss the most? My hair. My long(ish) curls. I felt so beautiful. I can't even believe I gave them up. Because I miss them so much!! It is sad and pathetic, but I will say that it brings me to tears from time to time. Because they made me feel beautiful. Truly... Beautiful. And I haven't felt that way in a LONG time. That may sound stupid to you. But it's the truth. I miss them dearly because they But I suppose it is time to stop wallowing in my misery. I know that the Bible says not to worry about your outward appearance. And I try... But I need to feel beautiful. And so far.... I'm just not feelin it. And to top that all off, I have to start wearing summer clothes (it's lookin like starting next week it'll get warm and stay warm). And I am aiming for a wardrobe reflecting the Image of Christ. Difficult difficult combination. Summer wardrobe that is Christ Honoring... And I WANT to do it!! But I will not lie. It. Has. Been. Hard. And it still is. God, I pray, will give me strength. I definitely need it. And I need to........ ........ I need to believe in myself. I need to know that it isn't the outside appearance that makes me beautiful, but Christ shining through me. HE is my beauty. And yet it (amongst other things) is something i let the word strip me of entirely too much.