Sunday, May 29, 2011

"I'm left standing here broken..."

I am breaking down right now. not on the outside. i am good at concealing that.
but on the inside my heart is cracking.
"NO!" it cries out. it says this isn't happening.
it says it can't be.
what happened to....

what happened to all the happiness?

i miss that so dearly. i feel like i am walking on eggshells...except that im not. i SHOULD be. but i cannot seem to find it in myself.

i am so hurt and lost and lonely right now. i need to dig into my Bible. And yet...i just cannot find it in myself.

i should. i know. i know i will feel SO much better if i do.
but yet i am hurt and i am scared and i am...

and i was just thinking about how i need to stop using that as an excuse. that i need to suck it up and just be strong. be strong in my King. be strong instead of always desiring to be and allowing myself to become weak at inappropriate times.
i use my weakness as an excuse and it makes my defenses weak...and thats how satan wins. time and time again. he wins. he tempts me and im weak.
i fall and i give in.
which i am so sick of.
and thats why i am trying to change.

but the thought of being weak is so tempting. sometimes i feel like i have been far too strong for a seventeen year old girl.
and i simply desire to be weak.

and yet i know that is simply not an option.

i read some verses in my Bible earlier this week that i proceeded to copy down, and have been reading ever since.

"If any of you wants to be My follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow Me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for Me, you will find true life."
~Matthew 16:24b-25

and i am struggling so much with THAT because i have a crazy dream that i so long to go after. and yet, the verse clearly states, that i am to put aside my "selfish ambition". And thats what this dream is, right?
yeah. i thought so too...

my life is a cluttered, chaotic mess right now.
i need to get into my Bible and yet....
here i sit.
where is my willpower?
where is my desire for Christ?
Why does everything feel like its at a standstill?
Its like, everything in life is coming at me, all at once. and i just stand here and let it all hit me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Never grow up...

Today is my little sister's birthday! She is fifteen! That is like...mind blowing to me! Because, it is one thing for me to be seventeen. But it is a completely different thing when your baby sister turns FIFTEEN!!!
I guess i am realizing that i am not the only one growing up...
can i be honest, for one sec?

I miss these days.

I am so proud of all of us. sure, we have our fights. our disagreements. issues...
we are growing up. and, for the most part, i love who we're becoming. 
but....this is so hard! 
I am going to college next year! or anyways, im supposed to!


And right now, more than EVER....i  long to be 5 years old again.
But i know i will never again get that opportunity.
And i am just not sure how to deal with that.

I miss laying on the rug pretending it was the mayflower ship.
You know, when you're 7, 8, 9...whatever, pretending is the easiest thing in the world. At that point, i didn't pretend as a survival skill.
I pretended because it was fun. because, back then, i could be anything i dreamed i was.

And look at us. We were close. Everyone (for the MOST part) got along. 
And to some degree we still do...

but a house full of teenagers and almost teenagers... well let's just say there hasn't been much 'Mayflower play acting' recently.

I am happy for my sister and i am proud of her and i cannot wait to celebrate with her today! :D
But i cannot forget that we are growing up... and this will all end too fast.

"To you everything is funny, you got nothing to regret, i'd give all i have honey, if you could stay like that, oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up, just stay this little, oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up,  it could stay this simple, no one's ever burned you, nothings ever left you scarred, and even though you want to, just try to never grow up..." <3

"I just realized everything i have is someday gonna be gone....i wish id never grown up...i could still be little...wish id never grown up, it could still be simple..." <3

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

lovely (albeit, random) thoughts...

To truly be an artist, i think you just have to decide who you are going to be. figure out who you are and what you are going to stand for. if you're going to aim for something, aim to stand out, not to blend in. don't be like everyone else. be different. be unique. be extraordinary.
be yourself.

Be strong in my weakness!

I know right; And yet i do wrong.
I say i'm strong; And i prove i'm weak.
I ask for help; And yet i run when it arrives.

Why? Why do i also turn from good? From my God?

He lights up my path; And yet i still venture into the darkness.

I know so much better. I know it.
So why can't i live it?

I cry out to Him asking Him where He is.
He is right here. Right where He has been all along.
I am the one who cannot seem to stay where i belong. 
I am the one who knows right and does wrong.
And I am the one who proves she's weak in the midst of saying she's strong.

I know all of this. I can see it.
I choose my path.
I regret each step and i regret the destination.
So why do i continue to return?

I can see my downfall. I stay out of the Word too much. God, draw me in! I beg. Make the desire for You burn so strongly within me that i simply cannot resist it! Forgive me for i have fallen short. Please, pick me back up. Hold me in Your Arms. Love me, though i am undeserving. And make me strong! I beg. Or be strong in my weakness, Lord. I do not need to be strong for show, but because strength is needed to keep me on the right path. God, i humbly come before You and ask for Your Grace, Mercy, Love and Strength. I praise You in Jesus Holy and Precious Name, Amen <3

Let me just put this simply.
I stand for my Lord. 
And then i allow myself to fall under Satan.
I don't want to live my life apart from God. Apart from His Love and His Plan for me.
I need to choose His ways and ultimately...i WANT to choose His ways!

My mom read this in her devotional this morning. Thought i'd repost it here.

"It is important to remember that God’s truth came before Satan’s lies. When God’s truth comes first in our lives, we will be able to recognize the lies of Satan and temptation will be easier to withstand. When we get away from God’s Word, however, we become an easy target for temptation and sin. Sin will keep us from God’s Word or God’s Word will keep us from sin..."

And so i opened the Bible. I wondered if it was too late, but i heard God's Voice whisper to me, saying that its never too late.
So i opened it.

"How can you say that the Lord does not see your troubles?...He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait in the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."--God's Love Letter.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

"Empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with You..."

I had a wonderful time with a good friend yesterday :) We got to sit and about what God is doing in our lives. For hours! It was amazing! She is definitely a Godsend and our relationship is can just tell that God has had His Hand on things :)
So that was just a wonderful time and i just felt so Spiritually refreshed. Reenergized.
I wanna live my life for Christ. 
But that is so hard because there is definitely something at work within me that hates that i am living for Him.
But that's not going to stop me.
Regardless, this may not be the easiest journey i have ever embarked on. And i've been down some rough roads.
However, i don't think this road will be rough, at least not in the same way those roads were, because i ended up on those roads when i thought i could do things for myself. When i thought i didn't need help.
And this time, i am going into this knowing full well just how MUCH i need help!
I am going into this in full pursuit of my Christ.
I am aiming to model my heart after His. 
The way He speaks to people, let my mouth become.
The way He loves people, let my heart follow.
The way He was so humble, let my pride fall away.
The way He understood and respected His Father's authority, let my will come undone.

And let me just say....that is not an easy thing. To think, to pray...because i am human. I am selfish, i am stubborn...
But i have been stuck in my ways too long.
Something's gotta give.
I can see that the way i am living is just not working out.
And moreover, if the purpose of life is to live for Him and His Glory...
then at this point my life is worthless.
Because i am nothing without Him!
And my life is nothing if not lived for Him. <3

Monday, May 16, 2011

Breaking Down Walls, Putting Windows In Their Place?

sometimes i look around me and think that everyone around me is so perfect. i feel like if i opened up and showed them my life and my flaws and my struggles and imperfections, that they wouldn't understand. i mean, how could they, if their lives are perfect?
but here's the thing. I am being just as narrow minded about other people, as other people are about me!
people have told me that they look at me and go, "she's got it all together."
well…not quite.
but what i am doing is looking around me, and saying, "oh, she's got it all figured out." "Oh, his life is flawless." "Oh, she would never stumble in this area."
I am making judgements about people.

And i am giving myself an excuse to hide my flaws.

That is ultimately what this is, isn't it?
hm…i didn't realize it before, but thats what it looks like…
Instead of being strong enough to break down my walls and truly let people in, i reenforce said walls, thinking that if people saw me inside and out, they would run.

I have learned that this isn't true. that most people have SOME sort of flaw…
that people aren't as perfect as they look.
and i know this is true because people think i am so "innocent and perfect".
and im not. i am innocent in a lot of ways…but not entirely..
and i am nowhere near perfect.
but at the risk of getting hurt…i built walls.
walls that i just don't quite know how to knock down.
walls…that i'm not quite sure i WANT to knock down….

i sat in church yesterday as they talked about relationships. And when they got to the part about women being tough…
it hit me.
oh, i know i am tough. but i am tough because ive had to be!
life has hit me hard, and in order to stop getting hurt, i built walls. 
and i have isolated myself.
even my mom noticed. 
she actually pointed out the isolation thing to me, (though everyone knows i am tough…i was unaware of the isolation thing)
but its true.
i push people away. i am sick of getting hurt and shoved out…
so i do the shoving. 
but it is different when i do it.
because, unlike when people shoved me out, i don't let anyone get close.
people always let me get close, close enough to hold my heart…and then they crushed it.
they always hurt me.
so i just stopped letting people get close.

this is so hard to write because my heart has hardened over some. there are so many scars and wounds…and in writing this, i can feel some of them starting to rip back open.
i am so sick of getting hurt. 
i am so sick of putting my heart out there…
because it always comes back scarred!!
and i'll just be real honest.
i don't know how many more scars this old heart can take.
i really…
i just don't.
but i know that i have to learn to trust again.
because if i give up again, then all this pain was for nothing. i need to trust or i will never find that one worth trusting. and if i never find him…then my heart is scarred for nothing.
i will NOT let this all be for nothing.

so, how do i break down these walls? how do i let people in? how do i get over this idea that everyone is so much better than me? how do i get over the fear that if people see the "real me", aka my flaws, they won't love me? because i want to let people in. i don't want to think that my relationships aren't real, because people don't see me entirely. 
but, do i have to share all of me with everyone for a relationship to me real and honest?

How He loves us!

"Go, and sin no more,
He said I will not condemn you,
I'll forgive and I'll forget it all.
Go, and sin no more
My child let me remind you
it is I who'll lead and guide you as you go…" <3 <3 <3

God is merciful and gracious :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

"I don't wanna be afraid, i wanna wake up feeling beautiful, today..."

I am never going to be better than anyone, so i might as well give up trying.

But the truth? The truth is that i don't even want to be better than them. It's not a goal of mine. I just want everyone to see that i'm not going to BE anyone else...
and to accept me just the same.

but thinking about all of this has raised some questions for me. One in particular.

Why do we spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to other people, or allowing others to compare us and then trying to live up to their standards?

I mean, if i am sitting here and saying in all honesty that i don't even want to be them, then why do i constantly worry about measuring up in the eyes of ignorant people? Or any people, for that matter?

What if life goes beyond this? What if God is just sitting up there waiting for me to come to Him? To realize that, hey, maybe there is more to my life than being compared to someone i don't even want to become. 
And sure, they're not all bad. That's not what i'm saying. Yeah, there are certain things about them that i don't like and don't ever want to become!
But the point of this really has nothing to do with ANYone else. 
The point of that maybe, just maybe, I am sick and tired of trying to be everyone else.
And, for once, i just want to be me.

I pray that that'll be good enough.
I pray....that I'll be good enough.
And if i'm not, then there's the door.
I won't put up with this...a single second more.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I just wanted to take a second and say, to all my friends, i love you! thank you so much for always being there for me! God has really done something radical for me! He has blessed me with amazing friends. =D i remember not too long ago praying and praying for some friends. i felt so alone. i had no friends, really. but...God has changed things SO much!! I don't have hundreds of friends. My facebook doesn't have 800 friends or anything even close. But those that i have mean so much to me! I am so thankful and grateful and i just wanted to let you know that you have blessed my life so much!

Dear Future Husband...

I started a journal today. A journal to my future husband. Journal entries, prayers, those kinds of things :)
It is kind of a neat thing actually :) I have heard of people writing letters, but a journal just kind of worked out for me :)
wow...lots of smiley faces! haha what can i say? Love makes me happy! =D
And actually i think this may turn out to be a really good thing. A nice place to get out everything i want him to know right away. A nice place to just be real. And, who knows, maybe one day he will get to see it. Anyways, thats the idea :)

So i took some serious time to write out a prayer for him in there. i haven't prayed for him much..i am sad to admit.
But doing so today felt so...right <3
I don't know who he is. Whether i know him or not...and yeah, i wish i did!! I would love to know whether or not i know him; i'd love to know who he is. but i know that God has a perfect timing. I am learning to rely more on Him! <3
Anyways, just wanted to share what's going on :)
Sometimes i feel like all i do is come on here to complain. And i do that because this is one of the only places i can do so. But i wanted to share something sweet on here too! :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm used to leaving...

But what if i want something more?
Why is it that every time i fight for what i want and win, i start to second guess if its really what i want after all?
i got what i wanted. so why i am i trying to backtrack now?
I am feeling so much right now that i don't even know how to get it all down on paper. And i know i will feel so much better once its out there and i can see my feelings for what they are…but sometimes i just don't even know where to start. 
everyone keeps asking me, but i don't have an answer for them.
because, as much as i thought i did, i don't know what i want.
no, thats not true. i know what i want. i just don't know what the right next move is.
i am so quick to make a move and think about it later. not very Christian living though, now is it? i am trying to wait on God. Which is a lot easier when you have 
A. patience
B. time to decide. 

but i have never been patient.
and i am forever under time constraints.

still i am trying to take time to seek out God's Will…guess its time to open my Bible and ask my girls.
if anyone reading this has advice for me…ha. i guess it would help if i told you what im talking about! ^_^ hahaha

my job. my boss wants me to do illegal things, confronted and lied to my mom, got angry with me on the phone and, when i told her i was uncomfortable working illegally (for cash) at an offsite warehouse with people i don't  trust, she told me she "doesn't care what i'm comfortable with".
i was offered a job with my mommy. fabulous! <3
its summer work.
should i keep this other crummy job as backup, in case i don't find something come fall?
or should i run and never look back because….that is what i SO long to do?
do i stay, or do i take a risk, jump, and see if i fly?
<3 Thanks love you! :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

You are loved

"you are loved
you are cherished
you are more than anyone could see
and just imagine what you could be
you are known
you are blessed
you mean everything and more to me
oh how i wish that you could see
you are loved…<3"


Friday, May 6, 2011

Wave goodbye to negativity! :)

I am borrowing an idea from my friend Kaitlyn.
Because i can feel the negatives trying to consume me, i am going to stop and take a moment to focus on the positives in my life.

6 positive things in my life (since 6 is my favorite number!)

1- I got a new job today!!! :D

2- God is a loving and forgiving God and i can never run out of second chances with Him!! <3

3- I have loving friends to listen to me and support me and who are always there for me! :) And God has opened some doors i thought were forever closed, as well as brought some old friends (as well as new!) back into my life!!

4- God has blessed me with not only many close friends, but a true best friend. Which is something i thought i would never find again, after losing my first one. I thought maybe each person was only allowed one best friend in their life, and if you lost yours...too bad...
BUT! i should have known better than to doubt that God could give me a new and bestest friend! She is always there for me and i love her so much!! And i am so thankful that God has blessed me with her!!

5- I have been writing lots of songs lately and i think i am getting pretty good, if i can say so without sounding conceited. It's nice to have something you feel good at! :)

6- I have the most amazing family ever. And we fight and have had our share (and more!) of disputes, but in the end, we love each other, forgive each other and stand by each other. And we have put God back at the center of our lives!!
How much more could you ask for? :)

hmmm...i think Kaitlyn was right. This is a very therapeutic activity. And, if you are reading this, i hope you don't mind that i borrowed this! <3

"Give me clean hands, oh God, give me a pure heart..."

God has forgiven me...

so why can't I forgive myself...?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

"So baby tell me where'd you ever learn, to fight without saying a word..."

The more and more i am honest with myself…

i don't think you and i are as perfect for each other as i may have let myself believe.

and this is why i hate being honest. even with myself.

but sometimes you have to. you have to stop and just say…this is what it is. at first, denying my feelings for you was nothing more than a survival tool. snooping little siblings, especially little brothers that i was afraid would let info slip, made it necessary. 
but all of a sudden i am coming face to face with the reality that maybe…
maybe all of this was a pretty little dream. ya know, the kind that seems so real. the kind you never want to wake up from.
i think i just woke up. =/

and as much as i hate to admit it to myself….
i think i was holding onto you. because i needed something to hold. someone to hold. 
and so i grasped onto you.

or maybe its just that ive been away so long. maybe my not seeing you is what has got me doubting. i don't know. i am scared. i don't want you to fade.
but at the same time, i feel peaceful.

which might be what scares me most.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Why would you wanna break, a perfectly good heart?

i let people take advantage of me.

i don't know why. i just do.
and nothing ever changes as a result. because i either stay and let them play me, or i run away and never look back.
i for one am sick of running. 
and im also sick of staying.
does anyone see an option C?
yeah…me neither. 
i am praying, i have my girls praying…but nothing is very clear right now. and i would just wait to make a move, wait until the answer was crystal clear. but i can't. i'm on a deadline. if i have to walk in there on wednesday and i don't have an answer for you…an excuse…
more than anything you want me to comply. but i won't. everyone tells me to, but then, since when did i listen to everyone? 
and im not referring to my close friends, my mom…i'm referring to, once again, people who are sticking their noses in my business. and the one person i trusted to stick up for me, stood there and agreed
i am stuck. i have to pick. i want to run. someone please help me. i know i have nowhere to go from here but up, and yet i still feel like i'm going down.
i remember the freedom i felt last autumn. i said i was done. done with everyone and their stupidity. i walked away from a life and never intended to return. 
i was so happy i was actually dancing around my backyard when i hung up that phone. it wasn't planned, but something came over me and i knew i had to do it.
so i did.
i felt so free.
and then i came back.
i got talked into something i didn't want to.
i said i was strong.
i proved i was weak.
and i let myself believe things weren't "that bad".
so i let them progress to the points where i came home in tears. i was afraid to go somewhere for fear of who might be there. i longed to leave this whole town behind. because, instead of making friends, like normal kids, i made enemies. lots of enemies.
all because i wouldn't let someone walk all over me.
i eventually got out of that situation.
little did i know that, in walking away from that one, i was walking right into the doors of another. right into the arms of another person who only wanted to push me around.
and people wonder why i have trust issues? 

i just can't let this scene escalate the way the last one did. so much was broken. my heart in pieces…and i'm pretty sure in the process i hurt some other people. because of you i had to leave people behind. people i cared about. i ran. and i never looked back.
i wanted to. not for you. but for the people i was hurting. 
i am still working to rebuild those bridges i burned.
all because of ONE. PERSON.
and i vowed to never go down that road again.
note to self. when there is an unmarked road, ask around before venturing down it.

so yeah, maybe i learned my lesson for next time.
the only question that remains, is how to get out of this time…?