Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Let's Be Real For Just A Sec, Then You Can Go On Pretending Everything's OK...

I hate it when it feels like the whole world is caving in on you. And
there's nothing you can do to stop it cuz...its the whole world. It's
so much bigger than you and it's so much deeper and heavier than you
can handle and you watch it fall. And you know it's gonna fall on you.
It's the worst feeling in the world to realize that something awful is
gonna happen just seconds before it does. There's no time to prepare
for it. No time to run away and hide or take cover. Granted, maybe
it's worse if you never see it coming. But this feels pretty awful as
it is.
It feels awful to lose your best friend or someone you love.
It feels awful to walk away from a relationship and leave things
broken, knowing you'll never have a chance to fix them.
It feels awful to be left out.
It feels awful not to fit in...and to know you never will.
It feels awful being on the outside of a perfect situation. watching someone else be loved and knowing you'll never be loved that way. You'll never be treated like they are.
It feels awful to listen to your parents fighting and slamming doors
till two in the morning.
It feels awful to hate. Your friend. Your enemy. Yourself.
And yes, I know that there are way worse problems than mine. Don't
even bother telling me, I know. But I can't feel those other problems.
All I can feel is my own. All I know is how something, a situation,
affects me. I'm not trying to be narcissistic. But all I can do is
feel something for myself.
Right now... It just feels like NOTHING IS EVER GONNA STOP! but I know
that isn't true. And yet...right now I don't believe it. I can't
believe it. Even though my head knows it's true my heart doesn't. And
that's all that matters. I listen to my heart. Whether that's good or
bad I don't know. What I do know is it's what it is and always will
be. I am who i am and that's not gonna change.
And I'm not sorry.

(Song Lyrics Below.)


I won't aplogize
For what I feel inside
But when I open my mouth an the words come out
It's then I wonder an begin to doubt
Was that actual
Or am I just overreacting
That's what they tell me

Somtimes it's easier to keep your mouth shut than deal with the
Cuz usually it hurts more in the end
Harder than the silence woulda been
Some people might say that's wrong
But in my world it's been a survival tactic for so long
An that's not gonna change
It's just the way it is
...just the way it is

I know I am strong and I don't question that
But when it's all goin wrong an the only way to fix it is to take it
That's when I know I'm outta luck
I see the shots comin at me with no time to duck


Or denial
In all this pain
What do I really gain
Am I really helping myself
Or am I just giving my ammo to someone else
Saying "fight away"
Then I hide away
I've gotta face this
If I wanna change this
Like I say..... I do....
But sometimes it's easier to


~Love, Always, Forever~

Friday, July 16, 2010

Let's Just Say I Took A Wrong Turn...

why do we always pretend? why are we always putting on false pretenses? Faking?
LYING... why do we always feel like we have to be something we arent? what is so wrong with who we are? and everything we arent? why doesnt anyone love themselves anymore? we are so insecure. so easily swayed and altered. i mean, i know what i know. (which is not much but ;) )
i know that i am strong and beautiful and independent and that i love Jesus and that my life should be about pleasing and loving Him... but the world changes us. it changes our viewpoint.
its making me feel things, that, in my heart, i know arent true. but im not real big on denying feelings so... i buy into it. i tell myself that if its what i feel...then its something i need to act on. its not even something i decide consciously anymore. its what ive been doing for... so long. its the way i live my life. just like my "all or nothing" personality, i think they are both here to stay. and im ok with that, i mean, its who i am. i am passionate and sometimes considered "depressed" but thats not the truth at all! im actually a very happy person with just a slightly different outlook on life than most people have... i just feel things more than noticing them or looking at them. i feel them. and feeling things has always been something i needed to do alone. i need to process things for myself. dont even bother TELLING me how something is or how it feels. you can tell me what it means to you, thats fine, that great. but dont tell me how IM gonna react to something or how its gonna make me feel.
but im getting off topic.
see, heres the thing. everyone is always running away from themselves. ive found myself doing that. i went out looking for attention. my mom finally called me out on it, sorta. see, i was bending the rules and dressing in things i normally wouldnt, (i.e. shorter shorts, tank tops, etc) because it was getting me attention. nothing major, but for the first rel time in my life i saw them looking. and while that made me feel awful that i was making these guys sin, i justified it like this. (although i really didnt think about it too much. idk why. these kinds of things usually eat me inside...but this time i think i liked the attention so much that it shut my mind up.)
anyways so i said that "guys arent gonna stop looking. no matter what i wear. yes, they may not look at me, but they will just look at some other girl. so either way they are gonna look. whats the harm on them looking at me?"
wrong? yes. but did it feel good? to, just for once, just for a short time, just experiment... or be looked at. to be liked. to be thought of as hot or beautiful or...whatever they were thinking...
im usually not the one guys notice. not like that anyways. so, yes, for like, once in my life it felt nice to get the occasional "second glance".
But... I am sorry.
I am. i messed up. i was using guys in a sense. how awful. im kind of regretting deciding to post this on here. but im going to. im not perfect and if you though that before, you wont after reading this!!
i just hafta say, after being overshadowed by prettier friends and such over the years, this was a new experience for me. 2nd. i wanna clarify, i wasnt dressing like a slut. or a tramp or anything. i just wasnt dressing like a very "good little Christian girl"... or like any kind of Christian at all. 3rd. i....i wont be that girl anymore. either one. i will find that delicate balance that i know exist somewhere. im not gonna be "trampy" (not that i ever was but... ya know what i mean) but im also done being "uptight Christian girl" cuz what kind of example am i setting in either person?

But i think the only way to do this, to shed both of those skins and find that balance, is to just be me. not worry about what everyone else thinks. not be fake or pretend. just be me. the me that God created, the girl that Jesus died for. ME. and can you imagine if everyone did that?
there goes my imagination again. but a girl can dream, cant she? :)
i love you all and more importantly, i love my God. and i love my family and all my friends. <3>

~Love, Always, Forever~
MoMo <3