i so don't want to keep running in circles.
i H.A.T.E. saying i believe, saying i trust, actually DOING it, and then doing a complete 180
AND ENDING UP RIGHT BACK WHERE I DANG STARTED!!
seriously, im really mad right now.
mad at MYSELF.
no one else. i HATE myself for not being able to trust.
which is not helpful. because i am just one more person tearing at myself. when that is exactly the issue.
sometimes i wonder if i don't abuse my own heart as much as other people do.
because i can be really mean to myself. like now. but heres the thing.
and i keep losing people close to me.
oh great, now i sound like someone i never wanted to sound like.
grr...i hate myself for hating you.
i hate....that i hate myself. i guess i don't really, i just hate the way im acting.
dude, relax. she just told you she's crabby and tired. chill ok? ugh.
i wanna cry. not because of you, but because i seriously cant let myself trust! i hate that. more than ive hated something in a long time.
HOW CAN I SIT HERE AND TEXT YOU LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG, WHEN THERE'S TEARS IN MY EYES?!?!?!
i hate how deceptive ive become. or maybe ive always been like this but im just noticing cuz we have this whole, honesty policy that i seem to be breaking more than keeping.
seriously, i might not hate MYSELF at this moment, but i sure as heck hate the way im acting.
but i don't even know how to be any different.
except to TRUST AND LET GO.
i WISH with EVERYTHING in me that i could just say those words n BAM! i could do it.
but this is a long, slow, excruciating process.
God, P.L.E.A.S.E dont let her become another casualty of my learning a lesson. PLEASE!!! :'/