Monday, October 31, 2011

im sick. not physically though.
gosh this whole thing is just one.huge.mess.
and everyone wonders why i just wanna run away and start over where
but theres a couple people i dont wanna leave behind.
but somedays...
sigh. and now i have people im close to in different places.
ive created quite the situation for myself.
somedays i feel like i could never pick. so i should just forget it and leave everyone and start over.
but i know i would hate that. i would miss these few select people.
but my.gosh.
and the worst part 5 days...i have to live in the midst of allll the drama. :P
funny how ONE person can ruin something that should be so meaningful and such a good time.
but we both decided how we are gonna handle this. we are equally annoyed and sick of the drama and false pretenses.
im not worried. im just sick.
sick and tired of playing games with everyone.
"I wanna be your friday night, sweet ride, summertime sunshine, barefoot in the moonlight...i wanna set you free, i wanna take you high, i wanna be wanna be your friday night." 

i wanna be that one girl you cant live without. i KNOW theres other girls in your life. i dont want to be the ONLY girl..i just want to be your favorite.
granted, i dont want you taking those other girls out, or saying the kinds of things you say to me to them...
but i know you have friends. its ok. im not gonna get all possessive and jealous. i swear, im not like that :)
i want to be the girl that makes you smile. the one that can turn your whole day around. i want to be the first girl on your mind when you wake up and the girl you dream about when you fall asleep. i want to mean more to you than any other girl friend you have. i want to be your girlfriend 
date. that word tastes so sweet on my lips.
thats what saturday was.
thats what next sunday will be.
and then, you asked me out again!
ill admit, i wasnt expecting a second date.
not like im assuming things, but ive seen the types of girls you usually go for.
and im a complete opposite of them.
i was pleasantly surprised when you didnt try anything. but i figured since we didnt clarify that it was a date that you werent sure it was appropriate or else you werent interested like that.
well...i guess it was a date. and you asked me out again so..i guess youre interested :)
seriously im in shock over all this. i just hope you know that, with all due respect, im not like your last girlfriend. seriously, no disrespect not that kinda girl.
sighh...i really think i like you.
you are so freakin sweet to me! seriously, i smile every time i talk to you. you arent all lines though. we have real respect my standards and morals..
and youre sweet to me. so sweet.
all i hope now is that youre not like this with anyone else. seriously, i better be the only girl. your only girl. because A. i dont play games. and B. youre my only guy.
i really think we got something good going here. i really think we have a chance.
i play this out and see where it goes. its going somewhere obviously.
and finally, i just have to say i LOVE the way you manned up and asked me out, made the moves, asked me out again. i didnt wait for me to do the mans job AND i didnt step up and try to take things in my own hands.
so far, id say we are off to a pretty good start :D

Friday, October 28, 2011

everything you say is a battle for me.
because my mind, my voice of reason and reality and (cynicism:P) tells me that they're lines. that you're toying with me. that you want something from me. that you don't mean what you say.
but my heart? my heart WANTS to believe these things. my heart actually DOES believe them. which is weird for me.
you know, i NEVER thought i would let a guy make me THIS happy. because i K.N.O.W. i am setting myself up for potential disappointment.
however...honestly...i don't even care right now. i WANT to be happy! and he..makes me happy :) 

"i'm in love with the feelings you give me"

Thursday, October 27, 2011

i always said i would never let someone make me this happy. because, when you do, you are giving them the opportunity to hurt you, break you, and destroy you like no one else.
but every time you text me i smile. the words you say make my heart soar. my heart wont listen to reason. these could all VERY well be lines. but my heart wants to hear them and believe them and accept them as truth...
so it does.
what can i say? ive just been completely swept up. <3 <3 <3

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hi:) i know i haven't been posting much...but something happened almost 2 weeks back and afraid to pour my heart out on here..or most anywhere for that matter...
i just wanted to let you guys know why i haven't been on much..

Sunday, October 9, 2011

its not just that i miss you. its more like, well..lets put it this way. every time i do something fun, see something that makes me laugh, or hear one of our songs play on the radio..i wish you were here to enjoy it with me <3

Saturday, October 8, 2011

ok. well we took care of what could have been a very awkward situation...except now im not sure i even want to go...
no, i DO want to go..but things got 'taken care of' in one of the two ways i was hoping they wouldn't.
oh well i guess. i mean, after all, what did i really expect?
this was the logical way to handle this, i know.
:'( yeah when you told me yesterday...i wanted to cry right there.
but ya know, i was at work so i maintained.
i still haven't cried. but it just hurts. i just keep it inside and it just hurts.
im trying not to be jealous. im really...ugh.
but i see you with so many other people and i look at every one of those people as someone who could easily replace me. :/
which i KNOW is stupid because we have been over this and...ughhhh!!
thats why i cant tell you i feel like this. cuz its dumb and therefore i look dumb and...
and maybe if i keep rehashing the same dumb things over n over...
you just WILL replace me.
...i DONT want that. thats why i wont tell you what happened between me and her. but see..ugh! you invited her to come with us...or however that worked.
its guna be the 3 of us even though YOU said you didn't want that.
look, i UNDERSTAND why you said she could come.
but i need YOU to understand that we had this worked out, you said you wanted to go with me and that 3 would be awkward...i counted on it just being us...
and then..
now she's coming.
im not mad. i swear. im just.. hurt.
i know i know i know i know i know that you guys are friends, that it would've been awkward any other way, etc.
i just..i guess i felt like i could count on what you said.
and now i feel like ive been cheated.
because i wanted to spend time
and she wants to spend time with you and im sure she doesn't want me there and the two of us are gonna end up fighting over you and its just...
actually, she'll get you and ill fade off into the background, like i always do.
and gosh if that happens, i pray you'll notice. i pray you'll care.
...but i guess if you don't...
no. you will. i know it.
i just hate this. im not mad at you, i understand but...
im hurting because i wanted this to be OUR thing.
i didn't WANT to have to fight for your attention.
but it is what it is. I prayed God would have His Hand in this. and i specifically asked Him not to do it like this but i said His will be done so..
i guess ill believe this is His plan..
im just hurt.
haha and? i take back what i said about not crying...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

i feel like such.a.jerk.
i didn't mean for it to come to this.
no, i swear, i didn't...
the saddest thing is..we USED to be friends.
and now its all fallen apart.
i dont blame you. because i understand how you are feeling and i cant say i would react any differently.
im just really...
gosh i don't even know.
i feel guilty. like, i know i probably shouldn't but..i do.
and i wanna tell her what happened. because i am sick of keeping this from her. im sick of hiding something when we said we would never hide things.
and because this is burning me. more than i let anyone know. this like, really hurts.
and i WANT to get it out there so we can deal with it.
but..for some reason..this is SOO hard. which is weird, when i think back to the other things we've discussed.
and i know i will most likely feel better once its out there but...
i guess im ultimately afraid of two things.
1..that ill tell her and she'll go back to YOU. which is dumb. because i know the whole...ugh. i know that MOST LIKELY wont happen. and im not tooo worried about that. but i will admit..there is a SMALL part of me that will probably always be scared of that.
and 2. afraid imma sound like a jerk..and worse..
im afraid i will sound like im tryn to turn her against you when im not. not at all. youre still friends. great.
but lets just get ONE.THING. out here.
SHE decided to go with ME.
SHE did. and i know, when we see you there, it will be awkward. and i KNOW it will be assumed that *I* am to blame. i KNOW it will look like i said "lets leave her out"...well, thats not true. not at all. and me and her both know that. and thats fine. you can assume what you want about me. i know you will regardless. and ill take that bullet for my friend. any day. if you want to blame me, you go right ahead. i wont shove her under the bus just to get your targets off me.
but the thing is, as much as i WILL take that bullet..i don't want there to be any bullets required. i feel like you should get fair warning. i don't want your day to be ruined by you seeing me and her there. i don't want you to hurt. i really don't. i told you, we WERE friends. i never stopped caring about you. its just...
well its really hard for me to talk to you now. because i know how you feel and, even more, i know how your MOTHER feels. which broke me to pieces. those words burned me like nothing else. to hear that someone out there ACTUALLY wished that her and i had never gotten close? o.O seriously. i cried over that. someone ACTUALLY wishes that 'things had transpired differently'...
i dont even know how to explain how that made me feel.
but i want you to know..
just because your mom feels like that, doesn't mean you do and i know that.
you might agree with your mom. but i don't know that for a fact. and we(were)friends, so ill give you the benefit of the doubt.
i hate what this has turned into. but, much to the distress of some people, i WILL NOT back off. she is my best.friend. seriously. no one will E.V.E.R. understand just HOW close we are. i have never ever ever trusted someone this much. that in and of itself scares me.
but it feels right.
her and i look at it like that God brought us together. we don't see this as something we did. we see this as ALL GOD.
...are we wrong about that? cuz now i see you hurting and...i wonder...
but no. i know what i know. i know that everything that has happened between us, the growing and changing and opening up...i KNOW that was God. because neither of us could have done that on our own. i can SEE God's Handprint in all of this.
but....gosh. i HATE so much that you hurt.
God...what...what do i do about this?
and what do i do with my own feelings of bitterness at the words that were said? what do i do with the pain of someone..
and what do i do with the guilt of hurting someone?
well..imma go prayer journal about this.
if anyone happens to read this..i know its all kinda cryptic. sorry. sometimes i just write to get things out and i forget that people (might) read this! lol
but...could you please just pray? thanks <3 love y'all

Monday, October 3, 2011

i feel stupid. yeah, i DID just unblock you on fb ONLY so i could creep you...
see the thing is..i don't really MISS you... i just...
i just wondered if you ever missed me.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

ok. i give up. i just.give.up.
this isn't worth fighting with you over.
you win.
ill do what you want.

i don't even care anymore.