August Seventeenth, 2011.
im sorry. cuz you deserve more. and id give it to you in a second...
if i could. but i cant. not anymore.
because ive trusted too many people.
and ive been hurt by every one of them.
and so i have less to give you.
i mean, i cant put myself out there as much. its not that i don't trust YOU...
its more like i don't trust the situation.
im sorry. i truly am.
its just that life has taught me that trusting leads to heartache.
so if i cant handle anymore heartache, id better not trust.
i KNOW this isn't right. i know its not even true.
but it is what ive been taught.
it is what a small part of me, the part thats learned from the past, believes.
i hate it. im so so sorry.
But i don't know how to fix it.
i love you, i honestly do.
maybe not with all my heart...
but certainly with all i have left of it. :/
kills me to realize how much ive given myself away emotionally to people that just abused me & my heart...
but i did. its too late to go back.
i guess the point of this is that imma be real careful with everything i got left.
but how does that fit into our relationship?!
cuz i feel like you are giving me everything & im standing here all close-guarded.
well, thats not ENTIRELY true.
because ive let you into very dark & vulnerable parts of me.
but im not careless either. not to say that you are.
but, usually, in relationships, i just let my heart go. and i know...look at how those turned out (*rolls eyes).
but see, ive entered with reckless abandon into relationships with people that DIDNT deserve my heart.
and now that ive come to the one that deserves it...i cant let go?!?!
you are honestly the BEST friend ive ever had...
im so sorry im like this...
you deserve better.
wow, there is so much emotion packed onto these pages...
i hope you can feel that.
ughhh i need to see you.
i need to be there with you.
i need to hug you.
i need you to SEE who i am...
And not. run. away.
and honestly, i think you've already proven yourself loyal.
its me that im worried about.
honestly, ive never been in this situation before.
im usually careless with my heart &...
you wanna know the truth? i dont let myself go unchecked right now because I DONT WANNA LOSE YOU!
when people see how insecure & how intense i am,
IT SCARES THEM OFF.
i DONT wanna lose you.
i just wont let myself do that.
but it feels unfair to take all of you & offer you only part of me in return.
& yet, honestly, i would do almost anything to keep you from running away.
see? this is the kind of stuff you need to not see.
because past experience has taught me that this is the kind of stuff scares people off.
:'( i WANT you to see everything...
AND i want you to love me just the same.
but you see, i always hope for the impossible.
truthfully, i wonder if youll ever read this. if you do, youll know its about you. i only have one BEST friend.
a part of me hopes you do read it.
but a part of me is scared for you to know this stuff about ,e.
which is stupid cuz you know my darkest secret.
but somehow, my intensity & insecurity is what im most afraid for you to see.
i love you. i really, truly do.
im sorry...that i dont always know how to show it better.
clock just turned midnight...new day...youre the first thing on my mind.
hope thats not creepy or anything...lol