Sunday, September 25, 2011

Why don't you, come right out and say it?

if you don't believe in me, for crying out loud, at least TELL me that. i hate these hidden messages. i hope you know how much it hurts when i cant even feel like you support me. you don't have to AGREE with me. i mean, id appreciate if you would, but i don't expect that. people have opinions. im aware. but what YOU need to be aware of is how much i WANT your support, but also how i WILL go on without it.
someone's gotta believe in me and, if it has to be, that person will be me.
which will be SO.HARD. for me. i have such a hard time believing in myself.
actually, i don't believe in much these days.
but i WILL learn. 
even if i stand alone.

somedays it feels like i will forever stand alone.

and sure, theres usually someone there...but they always only last a short period of time.
i wanna cry and i wanna kick myself at the same time.
i wanna cry cuz this hurts sooo much.
and i wanna kick myself cuz crying makes me feel weak. crying means i don't trust. crying means im falling apart.
and? all of that is true. i am weak. i don't trust and i am falling apart:/
i hate it. and i hate it even more because, this time LAST YEAR, i was fine. i was S.T.R.O.N.G.
i hate how weak i am now. i hate..everything. this is reallyyy bad. i NEED to not feel like this.
:'// but i just don't know how.

...i got a sweatshirt n a bracelet today. they say "To Write Love On Her Arms."
its about learning to "write" love instead of scars.
its for anti-suicide and self-harm.
but when i read the words on the bracelet im reminded to love myself. im reminded that everyday *i* chose to love myself or hurt myself. or allow myself to be hurt by other people.
specifically for me, that means not putting myself down and not letting anyone else put me down either.
i REALLY wish i knew how to get my life back.
and more?
i wish i knew how to get ME back...

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