Friday, September 30, 2011

i don't know how to make decisions, because, in the last 17 years of my life, ive really never had to. somehow, someway, i let someone start making decisions for me early on. and then? i just lost my voice. i got used to people making decisions for me and they got used to making them.
and along with losing my voice, i slowly lost my inner voice too. the one that believes in me and my thoughts.
i just lost everything. 
and now i need to step up but you know what? i cant. i cant because, for SO long, i listened to everyone else's voice. and now i cant even HEAR mine.
you ask me what i want and i cant even answer you.
because i don't KNOW what i want.
im used to pleasing everyone else before myself.
seriously...i can only think of ONE good decision i have made since...i don't even KNOW when! but i was able to make this decision because NO ONE ELSE said anything. 
this was MY choice. and the truth is, you don't even know so...
but thats beside the point.
i haven't made a decision for myself since i cant even remember when.
ive let everyone else decide.
and the main reason i did that was because, if they decided, they wouldn't be disappointed.
i dont wanna disappoint you.
but my gosh! you sat there and told me not to let ANYONE make this decision for me...
O.o um..correct me if im wrong but...isn't that what you're trying to subtly do? you would NEVER say it...but you are trying to influence me and change my mind...O.o
goshhh i wanna run. like, a lot. just run and run and not stop till im in a place where no one knows me. no one's heard about me. no one knows stories and rumors, no one has this stupid judgement of me in their head.
but i cant run. i cant. less than 7 months..i CAN.
im not saying im running away from you. i love you and you love me and thats all good.
i just cant meet your expectations AND stay true to myself
and, normally, i would just bend what I wanted, and give you what you wanted.
but...this is my future we are talking about here!!
and, in less than 7 months ill be an adult...and adults make their own decisions.
thats all im asking for. the freedom to make my own decisions AND, if it comes down to it, my own mistakes...
and if you wont GIVE me that freedom, then, yeah, in 7 months...
you'll watch me take it.


*Lizzie* said...

It was really good to see you and Hannah today. I REALLY enjoyed our time together. Only I wish it would have been longer!! More time to talk would have been awesome! But I'm so glad we got to see "Courageous" together!! Powerful, powerful movie...
I'll be praying for you this week dear girly! :) I know life can some times get really ruff...So I'll be praying for you! :)
Love yaaaa!!! Tell Hannah I enjoyed seeing her and hope to get together soon again!!!!

Han and Momo said...

ahhh i couldn't agree more!!! yesterday was FABULOUS!!! Thanks so much for coming and inviting us!! it was amazing to see you guys AND that movie! <3 thank you! you and your friendship and prayers mean soooo much to me!!! i love you!! and i did tell her, she said she had a really great time too :)