Saturday, September 3, 2011

I gotta live with the choices ive made...and i cant live with myself today...

its true. i have to now. its too late. ill never get to go back. i wish i could take back every sarcastic remark. i wish i would've just pushed you out the door for a night on the town, volunteered to watch your kids and cook dinner...just one more time.
wish id been more understanding.
wish id respected the power of walking on eggshells.
wish id been just a LITTLE stronger.
but i wasn't. i didn't. and its too late.
i have to live with the choices that *I* have made.
and you have to live with the choices YOU've made.
and, as much as i don't want to, i kind of hate myself right now.
ironic thing is, i don't hate you. i know you probably think i do.
but i don't.
i hate myself more than anyone. because i feel like *I* let my end of the bargain down.
i feel like i let YOU down. i know i know, if you read this it would kill you. you don't want me to feel like this. i get it.
but i do.
i was reading back through my blog. all the way back through april. i remembered feeling like i had SO much to juggle. i read about being so worn out. the feelings of having to keep all my balls up in the air. a juggling act for sure.
and somewhere along the line i guess i just let it all go.
because all of a sudden it fell apart.
i swear...
i didn't have hope. cuz i knew better. not anything against you, i just happen to know that nothing lasts forever.
i didn't have any expectations. but i had played in my head the scenario of you calling it quits. either one of you.
but let me say,
to hear the words come out of your mouth was another thing ENTIRELY.
it didn't shock me cuz ive gotten myself used to the idea a little. and i...expected it? wow, that doesn't sound good.
however, i think its true.
and yeah, in a couple days, or maybe even hours, you might take them back.
but id lay money on the fact that you'll say them again.
gosh, you had better not read this! it will not end well for me.
however, a little bit of a challenge might just push you in the right direction.
but i don't want you to force anything. i don't want you to work things out if you don't REALLY want them worked out.
wow. i dont know what to say without being reallyyyy mean. so forget it.
lets just say...
this whole "vacation" isn't all its cracked up to be so far.
we had one heck of a start.
and im sure, its only bound to get better... :T

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