Thursday, September 1, 2011

"What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful." <3

Also my facebook status currently. Because its something that rings true for me right now.
"What you FEEL is what you are..."
Well, maybe not entirely. But what you feel DEFINITELY plays a part in how you see yourself.
And i don't feel beautiful. I also, dont see myself as beautiful.
I think not.
What I FEEL is what i am. Sorta.
I know in God i am more than all this. But....
the way i view things, the way i see things, definitely plays a role in my perception of myself.
"And what you are is beautiful."
I always...seem to forget that part. or i leave it out. or i brush it off because "its not true for me"....
but...It is!!
Im not trying to sound conceited or vain because, believe me, its not like that. Not even close....
But it is just as extreme...
just in the opposite direction.
so therefore, i don't see myself as beautiful.
just how it is.
but wait! What does that second part say?
"What you are is beautiful."
Its true. and im gonna make myself believe it.
"For you're fearfully and wonderfully made."
I am gonna make myself believe this. Because its.true.
I have this fear...of becoming vain.
but for crying out loud i seriously have NO self confidence!
In any area!!
And its more than just this beauty thing...
if i were to choose one word to describe how i feel it would be this:
This spans to sooo many different parts of my life.
For example...
i feel unworthy of love.
i feel unworthy of feeling beautiful.
i feel unworthy of a cute guy's stare.
i feel unworthy of a best friend...especially the one i have...
i feel unworthy of anyone sticking around.
i feel unworthy of being successful.
i feel unworthy of....being worth anything...
but i don't even feel this way for a particular reason.
except that ive basically taught myself that this is how it is.
im just not worth it.
my opinions aren't worth sharing. my voice isn't worth hearing. its like, all my life....
ive been teaching myself this.
and ive been hearing it too.
honestly i have ALLOWED myself to be put down by basically...everyone.
its no longer something i think they even feel bad about.
i have put myself down too.
and so, i mean honestly, how can, after all these years of this kind of treatment and behavior, how can a girl even expect to have even an ounce of self confidence left?!
yeah...she cant. she cant expect it and she cant have it.
but....she can find it again.
she can learn to love herself.
she can learn to believe in herself.
she can learn.
i will learn. <3

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