sometimes i sit here and say i just wanna know what is the "right thing" to do. i act like, if i only knew, i would do it.
but thats not true.
i consider the lyrics playing through my headphones right now.....
i know THATS not the "right thing".
but does that thought stop me?
so why do i feel like any other situation would be different?
God says "to those who are faithful with little i will give more."
im pretty sure im not. im not even faithful with what He HAS given me.
how could i ever expect more? how could i ever expect to make a difference for Him?
but i don't turn the music off. i mean, its not THAT bad...
but there i go justifying it again.
and if i cant even do the right thing when im the only one involved, when my heart is the only one on the line, then how can i even TRY to hold onto and protect someone ELSE'S heart?!?!
why? i finally make a good decision and then i realize that there was always more than one wrong choice i was making at any given point.
do you know how hard it is to UNLEARN everything you've spent seventeen years learning?!
seriously, i have to unlearn EVERYTHING. ://
at first, this journey was fun. it was harder than anything; but i was finally WORKING for something. i have this strange sense of accomplishment. ive never really felt that before this summer.
but now i realize it wasn't ever just ONE thing i was doing wrong. its all these things that i have chosen to give into over the years, and now i have to rise up against them and learn to say no. learn to stand my ground, stand up for myself, and lay down the law.
i NEED to watch what i filter into my head. im good as far as movies and tv..have been for a while. its books and MUSIC that get me.
cuz i read whatever i want. and, if i get into a book, i DONT wanna put it down. so if it gets inappropriate, i have to decide to stop reading it, or continue on. i need to know what happens, im caught up in the story, whatever my excuse.
i usually finish the book.
i just listen to whatever i want.
its SO bad.
and the thing is, i KNOW its bad.
but i don't do anything about it.
cuz i don't really want to.
i loooove my music. its....my life.
and i need to listen to what i choose. cuz there is a reason behind every.song. choice.
because it helps me escape, because it screams the words i cant find it in me to say, because it distracts me from my problems, cuz it makes me smile or laugh, because i can relate, whatever it is, i listen to it.
i am...scared. i am hiding and i am letting fear, once again, reign.
i hate that. i hate that i even have to write this. i miss the days when writing about problems was a stretch. because i was too naive and innocent to understand the feelings behind everything.♥