Friday, September 9, 2011

sometimes i sit here and say i just wanna know what is the "right thing" to do. i act like, if i only knew, i would do it.
but thats not true.
i consider the lyrics playing through my headphones right now.....
i know THATS not the "right thing". 
but does that thought stop me?
so why do i feel like any other situation would be different?
God says "to those who are faithful with little i will give more."
im pretty sure im not. im not even faithful with what He HAS given me.
how could i ever expect more? how could i ever expect to make a difference for Him?
but i don't turn the music off. i mean, its not THAT bad...
but there i go justifying it again.
and if i cant even do the right thing when im the only one involved, when my heart is the only one on the line, then how can i even TRY to hold onto and protect someone ELSE'S heart?!?!
why? i finally make a good decision and then i realize that there was always more than one wrong choice i was making at any given point.
do you know how hard it is to UNLEARN everything you've spent seventeen years learning?!
seriously, i have to unlearn EVERYTHING. ://
at first, this journey was fun. it was harder than anything; but i was finally WORKING for something. i have this strange sense of accomplishment. ive never really felt that before this summer.
but now i realize it wasn't ever just ONE thing i was doing wrong. its all these things that i have chosen to give into over the years, and now i have to rise up against them and learn to say no. learn to stand my ground, stand up for myself, and lay down the law.
i NEED to watch what i filter into my head. im good as far as movies and tv..have been for a while. its books and MUSIC that get me.
cuz i read whatever i want. and, if i get into a book, i DONT wanna put it down. so if it gets inappropriate, i have to decide to stop reading it, or continue on. i need to know what happens, im caught up in the story, whatever my excuse.
i usually finish the book.
and music....
i just listen to whatever i want.
its SO bad.
and the thing is, i KNOW its bad. 
but i don't do anything about it.
cuz i don't really want to.
i loooove my music. life. 
and i need to listen to what i choose. cuz there is a reason behind choice.
because it helps me escape, because it screams the words i cant find it in me to say, because it distracts me from my problems, cuz it makes me smile or laugh, because i can relate, whatever it is, i listen to it.
i am...scared. i am hiding and i am letting fear, once again, reign.
i hate that. i hate that i even have to write this. i miss the days when writing about problems was a stretch. because i was too naive and innocent to understand the feelings behind everything.


*Lizzie* said...

A verse my best friend gave me the other day really means a lot to me. And I thought I would share it with you Morgan. It is in James. It says "resist the devil and he will flee from you; draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
I think that is an amazing verse. And how amazing it feels when we stand firm in God and say no to the temptations! You feel so victorious! I know it is hard to battle the tempts. I battle everyday! And sometimes I give in and it's bad. And now I wish I didn't do that! But when we resist the devil and stand firm in God you know you are doing the right thing and it feels awesome!
Read the whole book of James in the Bible. It's powerful! I just started reading it and LOVE it! It's only like five chapters long. You know what I think you should do?! I have done this with my music and stuff. When ever I am tempted and I give in won't let myself listen to my music. It's all christian music and all but the my music means SO much to me! I like listen to it before bed and where ever I am! But when I give into something bad I tell myself I cannot listen to it. kinda like a punishment to myself. But when ever I almost give in and just listen to it anyway! I read my Bible! And WOW has that helped me!
I know it probably sounds crazy :) But maybe you could do that somehow when you are feeling tempted! Like read your bible instead of just any book. I truly am cringing that I am even making this comment because how bold I am in it! I don't want to sound like I'm trying to boss you around or anything! I just thought I would share what I have done when it comes to temptations!It's your choice. you don't have to do what I did. but it truly helps you draw near

One time Alena and I were talking in bed (we share a room :) And she was telling me some powerful stuff! She said "This week I have figured out for REAL how important it is to love Jesus. This life on earth is only a second compared to eternity. Why live our life on our own in this life when we can meet Jesus! This life is short and why live it own your own?because we are going to regret it when the day comes. And anyway! I have been looking for something really I can treasure. At first I thought it was a boyfriend. Then I thought it was my books. But, really, there is NO treasure greater than God..."she said.
And I was like awe struck! Her words like sang out to me! It is SO true! We don't need anything else for a treasure because this life is only to short and why hang on to something that is just going to pass away soon! Why not hang onto Jesus the REAL treasure! He will NEVER pass away with the earth's things! He. is. forever. And we can live with Him forever in Heaven! WOW! All this filled my head when I went to bed that night. And now I know how true that is! And want to live it!!

I just felt led to tell you that. So don't mind me :) But I wish the whole world could view it the same way and run to God! That would be the most powerful thing. Well, sorry this comment turned into more like a post :) haha.
I hope you have a good week. God bless!

A Servant 4 Christ,

Han and Momo said...

Can i just start by saying that this comment completely made my day?! Because it did! :)
Thank you! Oh, i LOVE James!! I have in fact read the whole book on several occasions and i know the verse to which you refer! :)
It is true. I have learned that very recently as something i have given into over and over i finally stood against. I cannot even describe how that felt, but it sounds like you already know! :D
Thank you for calling me out on this. because i...i just give in. music is sooo easy for me to give into. as i type this, i am listening to Skillet <3 much better than what i was listening to this morning... :/ learning. and your comment was really encouraging!! Thank you :) And don't ever be afraid to be bold and call me out on something! i honestly appreciate it more than you know! because i NEED to be called out on things and not many people in my life will call me out on them!
So it means a lot to me that you are willing to :)
i like your idea about the music :) haha and no you don't sound crazy! hehe i have done things like that before....and you have got me thinking about some ways i can kind of use that and apply it to my life...idk if im making sense! haha but thank you! :D
Ahhh reading the Bible when i am feeling tempted...i have done that before! I have read certain verses so many times i can actually recite like whole chunks of Bible chapters!!
which totally isn't a bad thing :) being able to recite them i mean :)
Ohhh wow. I absolutely love what Alena said!! how right she is! I just wish i could feel that!! ill be praying for God to become more real to me...and ill be praying He remains so very real to her as well!! As well as praying for you of course!! <3
Thank you for acting on what you were being led to tell me! i needed to hear ALL of that and i want you to know it was well received. THANK YOU!!! <3 and no worries, i LOVE long comments!! hehe love you!

*Lizzie* said...

Aww well, i'm glad my comment encouraged you! No!You totally made sense! :) I know, sometimes it feels like I'm not making sense:) but no. you're fine.
I'mm happy my comment made your day! I love making peoples days!! :)
That is awesome James is one of your favorite books in the Bible!! cool! Yeah, I just started reading it! LOVE it!
I'm glad you understand that I'm not trying to sound bold! For truly calling out on things is not my kind of thing. I like NEVER feel like I should! Afraid that I will hurt that person's feelings and will loose their friendship. For I have had that before. I wasn't being bold to them but just telling them my thoughts and there went that friendship! But oh well! I guess it wasn't worth their friendship. And I'm okay with that. (even though I wasn't at the time :) Anyway! Yeah! :)

I know! I love what Alena said! it really keeps me thinking. :)

Haha! Well, it least you're okay with long comments! Because for some reason I can't write a short little comment EVER! Haha! It's weird!!!! :)
Well, praying for you Morgan! Love ya girly!!!! <3 Mean it too! ;)
God bless!!

Han and Momo said...

I know how you feel about speaking up. i have been down that road. just recently actually :( and now, just like you, i am ok with it. though i wasn't as the time and im still dealing with repercussions from it....
also, you never have to be afraid to be bold with me! :) for i truly appreciate it!! but i know, its hard for me to be bold too!!
hehehe ughhh i am the same way!! lol most of the time i just keep writing and writing and things end up really long!! haha but i don't mind :) thank you so much!! love you and i mean it too ;D hehe!!

*Lizzie* said...

I know! It's VERY hard loosing friends that way. But if you really think about it, I guess that friendship wasn't worth it... But! That isn't going to keep me from speaking up!! :D
I'm glad you understand me haha!
Yepper! Comments can never be three words for me! haha! More like three pages! :)
Well, have an awesome week!
Love ya! <3
God bless!

Han and Momo said...

Oh i know....losing friends any way is hard :( but you're right, wasn't meant to be i guess... and hahaha!!! Lol same for me!! but you know is someone take the time to write a 3 page "letter" to you that you're probably important to them :) love ya too!! <3