Thursday, December 15, 2011

will i never, ever learn? nope. i dont think i will. haha thats just..part of who i am i think. i never get things the first, second or even third time im told them. usually, i have to experience something in order to understand it. i guess thats what ill call this past year. yeah, its a little early for a reminiscing post...expect that one on new years eve ;D haha but im just gonna say that..this year tore me to pieces. and i would try to repair myself and it would tear me apart again. so finally i decided it would be best to stay broken. ... sometimes i wonder where i get my ideas:P yup. not my best one yet. last had it. id reached the point where i cried and cried out to God. "I was always yours to hold." that He was. that He is. mine. to hold. and He doesnt care about what ive done, He doesnt hold my past or my doubts against me.. i just brought it all to Him. no masks, no pretenses. and i told Him i was sorry. i am sorry. more than words, or even tears, can express. and, i do believe, that last night was the FIRST night i havent cried myself to sleep in...gosh i cant even remember the last time i slept in my own bed and didnt cry..O.o thats pretty bad, isnt it? yeahh.. but God has changed that. guys...this...i dont know how to explain this to you. this is different than any other time God has saved me.. He really pulled me off a cliff. i mean i pushed Him away and away and in turn just got closer and closer to this edge... He saved me AND I DONT DESERVE THIS!!! i dont deserve Him. guys....HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT WHAT IVE DONE!!! and He DOES care..about me. even if no one else in the world does.. that was MY mistake. i told myself He was no different than all the people in my life who have and are letting me down. i believed that lie. i really did. i WANTED to trust Him... but i "knew" He'd just let me down.. BUT HE DIDNT!!! guys....ahh im at a loss for how to explain this to you. i stand here and i..i cant even wrap my mind around this fact. and i feel stupid because ive grown up all my life "knowing" this. but i never accepted it for myself. and i even believed it was a lie for a while..but the fact is GOD LOVES ME. HE CARES FOR ME. HE WILL NEVER, EVER, LET ME DOWN. HE WONT EVER ABANDON OR LEAVE ME. guys...this is truth.. i still cant wrap my mind around this. but i know it. i know it now. i know it in my heart. and, whats more? i believe it now. I dont know how or why.. but He DOES love me. <3333

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