Thursday, November 17, 2011

Who do you think you are, runnin round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart..

i wish it would snow. im ready. im ready for this season to just change.
to be honest, im not really ready for the holidays.
to be honest, some days i wish i could just sleep right on thru...well..just a while.
because when im asleep...i dont have to deal with anything.
its not that im tired of living...
im just exhausted.
dont get me wrong, i love life and i wouldnt give it up..
i just need a break.
and 6 hours of being haunted by dreams and nightmares really just isnt cutting it anymore :/
i just dont think i can play games much longer.
im looking back at the last 2
and its not good.
much less the last YEAR..
in the course of 2011, ive gotten into relationships i shouldnt have, ended relationships i could have saved, hurt people, broke hearts, broke my OWN heart, gotten into relationship altering arguments with people i love and people that love me but the fights have SERIOUSLY put a strain on our relationship, fallen for yet ANOTHER player, had to relive and try to deal with last winter...
and thats just the beginning.
theres a few good things that came out of this year.
they are few and far between but, when they came, they were monumental  
all i can hope now, is that 2012 will be much better.
because ive just given up on trying to make 2011 good. come what may. i can tell, this was definitely NOT my year :P
"Leaving scars.." you know when you play a song, and its just like a mirror image of your life? yeah. "you broke all your promises, and now youre back, you dont get to get me back.."
"Dont come back for me, DONT COME BACK AT ALL.."
ughh you want to know the worst part?
even once 2011 is over...all of this stuff will come back to haunt me. ://
sometimes it just feels like im never gonna win. never gonna beat this life.
i feel like its taking over me.
oh! and i didnt even get to the absolute worst.part.
...i cant even feel God with me <\\3
i pray, i read my Bible..and He just feels sooo far.
ive never felt like this before.
not even when i basically removed Him from my life for like a year... :'//
honestly i...i cry out and i beg Him to become real to me...
but my heart is numb. and worse, cold. my heart is like an icicle.
i dont feel God's warmth there at all.
and i dont blame Him. i know i did this.
last month...
i can trace it back.
seriously i wanna cry. i know what happened and im both horribly angry, and terribly sad and upset.
for SO long i worked to make myself open. to embrace my feelings. to be honest about what im feeling and going through. i didnt open up to just anyone, but there were always select people i was honest with. and moreover?
i was ALWAYS honest with myself.
but now? i write off feelings like they are nothing. i dont DARE. LET. MYSELF. FEEL. ANYTHING.
because my feelings, my tender, open attacked.
so i shut myself up, and i built walls, and i closed the doors and let no one in.
i even started doing that with the one person i swore to never do it with.
thankfully, we talked about it..and..its ok.
but as far as everyone else? and as far as the ones who took shots at me and my heart?
BIGGGG walls. BIG.
and somehow, i ended up shutting out God.
i never NEVER meant to do that.
but i dont know how to get Him back.
even though i KNOW its not true, i cant help but feel like i blew my only shot. just like a person, i shut Him out, and He's not coming back. well, i KNOW in my head that that isnt true.
but my hearts got nothing. its too icy and numb to know anything.
and thats where i need to know it the most..<\\\3

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