Monday, December 19, 2011
i dont know what it is, but whatever Christian rock song my brother has playing in the next room seems to fit with what i feel. just the intensity and the..just the amount of feeling.. ya know, to anyone that reads this, i probably sound like the most ungrateful, narcissistic, pessimistic person ever. and maybe thats what im like in real life too. maybe THIS is why no one ever sticks around for long. maybe im just too much to take. maybe im not worth fighting for. he certainly didnt think i was. but i dont blame him. most days..i dont think im worth fighting for. why would i be? if i was reeeeally worth it, someone wouldve been fighting for me long ago. ... (*has a thought that stops her dead in her tracks)...Jesus fought for me..over 2000 years ago... and Hes been fighting for me ever since. Hes never stopped... wow. how stupid and self-centered can i get?:/ guys i cant keep doing this. i cant keep doing this to myself...to everyone around me...to God.. i dont wanna cry anymore!!! i really dont. when people make jokes about things like crying yourself to sleep and lying and hiding behind a smile...they dont know it..but all those things are true about me. and i hate it. and i dont WANT them to be. but they are. "I wish today it would rain all day, maybe that'd kinda make the pain go away, tryin to forgive you for abandoning me.." truth. i looove rainy days. bc they match how i feel. its almost like..they understand. the skies cry and i feel like i can too. I feel less alone. Somedays, thats all i need. to feel like, maybe, im not as alone in this world as i thought. "Did you ever stop to think..that i actually loved you..?" Most people in this world..choose to play games. Well, not this girl. When i say i love you, i mean it. But, like everyone else, i DO want something in return when i say it. ... I want you to tell me you love me too..and mean it. Thats all. I miss the old days..