i flip back and forth.
between feeling numb,
and feeling everything.
i wanna be happy.
and sometimes, for a moment,
i am.
but it..never sticks.


"you cant stop me
from fallin apart,
cuz my self-destruction is
all.your.fault."


life has been soo..
hard. 
especially lately.
especially since..
since summer ended.
and it only got harder
come october..
and from there?
things flip.
between getting worse
and seeming better.


"Im not giving up
givin in
when will this war end??"


no. i wont give up.
ever.
but the question still screams
when will it stop?
will i ever see the day
where i DONT have to fight
just to make it through?


"right now.."


i cry out to Him.
He comes.
i know He does.
i cant always feel it.
but ive known Him long enough
to know He comes.
but all my life..
ive known OF Him.
theres a huge difference between
knowing Him
and knowing OF Him.


I want to trust Him.
but i trust everyone.
and they always let me down.
and i dont have much left in me.
if i get let down again
i just dont know..
if i can pick myself up again.
so if i take a chance on Him
and He lets me down
like basically everyone else has..


"do you believe
that time heals all wounds?"


no. i honestly dont. 
there are some things that,
no matter how long its been,
will still hurt.
time isnt a miracle worker.
time doesnt really CHANGE anything
it simply makes memories 
fade a little.
and lets wounds become scars.
but i dont believe time HEALS.


"I cant believe it 
still hurts like this."


but it does.


"we'd listen to the radio 
play all night,
didnt wanna go home
to another fight,
through all the hard times
in my life,
those nights kept me alive..
i remember when,
we used to drive
anywhere but here,
as long as we'd 
forget our lives.."


i do avoid the fights. 
i avoid conflict.
i avoid emotions 
and feeling things.
basically at all costs.
i didnt used to.
i used to handle things.
..
when they say you dont know 
what you have till its gone,
they dont lie.
i didnt know how much 
it meant to me to be
able to express myself
..until it was taken.
oh, i can still do it.
after all, i am right now.
but i do so recognizing
that there could be 
consequences.
honestly, if you didnt
go through it, you cant
understand.
you might think 
im being dramatic.
but when your privacy
is so far invaded that
it breaks OTHER people
and invades their privacy
..
you learn to watch what you do.

"theres nothin wrong with us..

those nights belong to us.."

no matter what ANYONE says.

no matter how much they have

messed this up in my head.

no matter what lies we've heard.

we know there is 

NOTHING.

WRONG.

WITH.

US.

in fact, in my opinion,

never has anything been 

more.right.

i think thats why theres a lot

of hate and..

controversy, if you will

about "us".

i know satan hates everything

about the two of us.

obviously.

and he will do ANYTHING

to try to see the death

of our friendship.

too much good has come

out of us for him to

do anything but wish 

for it to end.

but, try as ANYONE will,

we arent going anywhere.

"You cant tear apart

what God brought

together."

you said it yourself.

and youre right.

I know God has a plan

in alllll of this.

but its just so hard

to trust.

even Him.

THATS how far broken

i am.

unfortunate, sad..

but true.

i have to admit the truth

if i am every again gonna

come face to face with the Light.

im sick of standing in darkness.

but the cold truth is?

i think its..safer.

i was fine in the light

and i was vulnerable.

i was open.

and i got attacked.

well, no one dares venture

into my darkness.

but the truth?

i secretly hate it here.

i love the security it brings

..

but i hate the loneliness i feel.

constantly.

"I must confess

that i feel like

a MONSTER.

i hate what

ive become,

the nightmare's

just begun..

i, i, i feel

like a MONSTER..

theres no escape 

for me

it wants my soul

it wants my heart.."

<\3