Monday, November 7, 2011

"Its just that my girl's been so hurt and im not tryin to be the next one going through it.."

"This time i wont say no, cuz sayin no is a way to protect me.."

i dont wanna just be another regret. another scar. another girl from his past. another ex-girlfriend.
another almost lover.
thats what i dont want him to be.
another almost lover.
i went through the whole "almost lover" thing once.
ya know, i spent all morning going back through all my stuff from last winter....
and i still cant piece together exactly what happened. i only remember snapshots.
i can tell i was torn, bc half the time i loved you and half the time i wanted you gone. half the time i was mad at you and half the time i couldnt bring myself to hate you at all.
but as for what actually happened?
i dont know.
i cant make sense of this.
i look at your picture and i want to cry just to try and get this out. but i cant. i just feel so much but the tears refuse to come.
i want to just freaking forget you already.
im so tired of this. it makes me sick to see the feelings i still have from you affecting the way i feel about him.
you broke me and you literally KNOCKED THE NAIVE OUT OF ME.
you were the FIRST GUY to introduce me to the art of lines.
and now i cant trust him because of WHAT YOU DID. you didnt mean what you said, hence, lines. and now i cant trust that he means what he says because im only used to sweet words being lines used to get something from me.
wow. i havent typed your name in so long. (shortened to D for identity cover)
it feels weird. it like, still affects me.. :/
i want to just keep typing it because, when i do, i actually feel something. i need to feel something if im ever gonna get over this.
and i WANT to get over this! because i have someone new, someone waiting on me to let you go. to let the past go. to let mistakes go. to let my scars go.
....hes waiting on me.
people say he must like me. otherwise, why would he take things slow with me; why would he be so patient with me? if he were just out to get something, he would pick a different girl. one that would give it to him. i know he knows i wont because ive told him. ive told him straight up that if thats what hes looking for, he better find a different girl.
he said thats not whats hes after.
and even more than ANY words hes said, i look at the way he acts.
he texts me
he takes things slow with me.
and hes said he doesnt want a different girl EVEN THOUGH he knows i wont go very far physically with him.
he knows alllll of this and yet...
he does all of that.
he stays.
but im distant and cold because of you.
im broken because of you and that flows over into how i feel about and treat him... :///
im DONE letting you hurt me.
im done. i dont know HOW to let go yet, but what i do know is i WILL let go.
i will.
im done.
goodbye D.

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