Thursday, November 10, 2011

i dont even wanna say these things. i dont want them to be true. i sit here and talk to myself, alone, wishing that last winter had never happened.
i always want what i cant have. i feel stupid to keep going on and on about this.
but it was real.
and it was fake.
all at the same time.
note to self: never let a boy hold your heart, if he isnt even holding your hand.
this is...what i get.
i shouldve known.
why do i keep going on?
i thought i let go. maybe i was think i ever COULD let go.
maybe letting go...isnt even an option.
or maybe im being dramatic and stupid...
but is that fair? i feel these things. should i just discredit them? write them off?
i need to talk to someone. im letting this...ruin everything.
i hate this. some sick way...i like it.
i like feeling something again.
i think...i like...thinking about you.
thats sick.
seriously sick.
that after ALLLL of this...
no way.
there is no way on this earth that i could still have feelings for you.
oh God please tell me this isnt true...please...
goshhhh!! NO! not again, not this all over again. im asking for heartbreak.
and i have someone! someone sweet and amazing...
someone nice to me. someone real...with me..
you never were. ANY of those things. you took advantage of the fact that your dazzling smile blinded me.
you worked those lines.
didnt you?
why do i feel like maybe im the only one to blame?
is that true? am i blaming you for something that is only MY fault? did *I* blow this up in my mind?
no. no i was there. i remember the words you said, the looks you gave me...whether you meant anything or not, we were flirting. and we both know it. so maybe you honest to goodness werent trying to toy with me. maybe you never meant for me to take things the way that i did.
but the fact is..i did.
how stupid is this? just let him go! my head screams.
but my heart...
NO.ONE. would look at this situation and see why i am sooo wrapped up in it.
no one.
but they werent there. they dont understand.
and as much as i want to talk to someone, *I* cant explain.
i dont even remember the story...
i can just still feel it.
and i cant explain that to someone because these emotions are ones youd have to feel to know.
i WISH i knew the truth. i WISH I knew WHAT happened last winter..but i dont.
all i know is pieces of how i felt then, and how i feel
and it doesnt make sense. it doesnt add up...
its just there.
he was the first.boy. to pay any real attention to me.
so i took it, i grabbed onto it..and i swore to NEVER let it go.
but then the time came...and i had to.
and i tried to convince myself that it would be OK for me to stay...for him.
and i thank God i never did.
but....ugh! nothing.happened.
thats just it. i almost wish something had...because at least id have legit reasons to feel like this. reasons...that people might understand.
but it didnt, and i dont.
all i know is how he made me feel.
and the confidence he gave me.
when i was with him...i felt SO gorgeous.
i dont even know why...he just...made me feel like that.
but then when i left...and he made NO effort to keep in touch even though he said he wanted to..
he left the pursuit up to me.
or maybe he'd let go and didnt care at all.
i dont know.
but whatever we'd HAD or ALMOST HAD...was over.
and i felt like i wasnt enough for him.
and if i wasnt enough for him..why should i ever be enough for anyone?
i never have been.
and things with him pounded that in me further.
i wasnt worth pursuing, i wasnt worth chasing after...
i just wasnt.
and so all these things i had felt with him..turned into icy lies in my heart. and in my head. and i told myself that everything he'd said was a line; that every nice word out of a guys mouth was a lie. or a line.
and i told myself that along with that, everything id FELT with him, was a lie.
so me feeling pretty? lie.
me being liked by someone? lie.
id told myself all along that he pursued me.
i guess then i felt worthy of being pursued. "a guy like him" pursuing me...
cept...he never did.
in retrospect, he MAY have started things. BIG "if". he may have. but i kept them going and i kept them going long after he'd lost interest and moved on.
im scared thats what im doing now, with this new guy.
but i dont even WANT to mix him into all this.
i hate it...but the truth of the matter is that he's already in it.
i havent cut ties from last winter. so my past still follows me..and haunts
this is stupid. seriously. get up, move on...
i used to be strong.
those words are words i LIVED by. 'get up..move on..'
but i was strong WITH him...and after him i became weak.
because 'strong' was a lie.
'pretty' was a lie.
'worthy' was a lie.
not lies HE told me. no. these were lies i told myself.
things that were true...but after him i told myself everything id ever known..was a lie.
i dont even know why.
i just wanted to run. after that. i wanted to start over. i wanted to be everything i wasnt..maybe because it felt like everything i WAS was what wasnt enough for him.
i dont know.
all i know is i wanted out. of this town, of this state...
just out.
i needed to get away.
i ran away as best i could...
no. thats a lie.
because we're still friends..on facebook.

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