Tuesday, November 8, 2011

♥ its raining. my playlist for the morning is swapping between Impossible by Shontelle and Tightrope by Ron Pope.
its just a sad song kind of day.
fall is almost over. its kind of sad. but, im the weirdest way, im looking forward to winter.
but i didnt come on here to write about the weather; but to tell you what it means for me.
season changes bring out different emotions in me.
lately, ive been kind of scared for winter.
because of LAST winter.
once trust is broken, it CAN be fixed.
but it will never be the same.
i know God can restore anything.
but i still have scars and thats just fact.
but that doesnt mean im never gonna love again.
so maybe i got played once. maybe i got lead on. maybe i lead my own heart on. maybe this isnt even his fault. ok, it is. but i think its my fault too. i need to be more responsible and careful with my heart.
but im ready to let all that go. it doesnt matter whose fault it was. it doesnt matter what happened, and it certainly doesnt matter what didnt.
actually....it all matters. it mattered then, and it still does matter.
but i can forgive him, forgive myself, forgive the situation, say 'yeah it does matter, but im ready to let go', and then? do just  that.
im ready.
i slept for like, a reallyyy long time last night. and all throughout that time, i dreamt..of someone.
i dreamt of you. 
not the same guy that hurt me. no, i dreamt of the guy i cant LET myself love and trust BECAUSE of that other guy.
i saw all that we could have, all that we could be....and i could FEEL the emotions.
i like him.
a lot.
before i went to bed last night, i read back over our texts from this weekend.
i was so cold.
i was short with him.
nothing like it used to be.
i USED to let him sweep me off my feet. 
and this weekend, it was like my feet were buried 4 feet under the ground.
:/ i feel so awful.
i was scared of getting hurt so like i ALWAYS do, i protected myself.
'if he doesnt get close i cant get hurt.'
but i also cant get love. i miss how things used to be and yet, im the one wrecking them.
all because of some guy i knew last winter.
no. no more.
i woke up this morning and i knew.
its time.
im letting him go.
i also realized...as terrifying as this is to admit....i really like this kid.
i dont wanna lose him..especially over some old ghost from my past.
i want him to pursue me like he did before. 
i want to not resist. 
i wanna let everything from our pasts go and let THIS relationship happen NOW.

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