Monday, June 13, 2011

Summer thoughts....

So far i feel like i am wasting my summer. I am just lying around. Living day to day and making no plans. Flying by the seat of my pants, if you will.
And i love that :)
But somethings need to change.
Or, multiple decisions actually.
And i have a plan as far as making those decisions...
I think i am just scared to see the words on paper.
I don't want anything about this process to actually be real.
I want things back the way they were last summer.
But i know they cant be. They cant be for so many reasons. People grow up, people change. Its just what happens.
I will forever miss this when its all over. 
When i am sitting in my college dorm looking out the window wishing i had my friends around me for a game of football; or a neighborhood stakeout....
But i know things change. Its just gonna take me a while to come to terms with this, okay?
But one thing still kills me. 
Why am i conforming?
Why am i giving in so easily?
Maybe because this is just one more battle to fight and i, quite frankly, am out of strength.
Maybe i just don't know what else to tell everyone. 
Maybe i should just pick a college, take the tests and apply.
Maybe i just should.
"Trying to find that all elusive piece of mind, im stuck here, somehow, shrouded beneath my fear and doubt..." Oh Colbie... Thats all this is. Fear. And doubt.
I am stuck because im scared. I don't know what happened to that fearless girl. That one who would fight for what she wanted. That one that would NEVER lay down and die. That one that holds on through thick and thin. The one that believes in love no matter how much anything might be falling apart around her.
All i know is i miss her. <3

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