Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Its like i just can't admit that i'm good at anything...

"I can't" has become another word for "I'm afraid". I feel like my life is confined by the countries of "i can't". "I can't's" and "I'm unable's" have been deciding the way i live...pretty much all my life. And I have allowed it. Because it is easier to simply say, "oh I can't do that!" "oh I'm no good at that!", than it is to admit to being afraid to even try. I think...I'm afraid to be good at something. Because then I might actually feel like I have some worth. I think I am being lied to. Satan wants me to feel worthless and he wants to tell me I'm not good at anything, and that i can't do anything. And when I believe him, I let him win. Instead of using my God given talents, I conform to Satan's lies. But then again, all my life I have, by ommission, heard this lie. Oh, people never told me that I wasn't good at anything, or that I was worthless (well...except for that one person...) But nobody ever told me I could. Or I was. They didn't stop and say, "wow Morgan, you're really good at that". Or, when people did tell me that, I brushed it off. Because I'd been hearing the lies so long, that I passed the truth off as lip service. But why? Why should I conform any longer? Because I AM good. I know it. And I WANT so badly to do this. I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I already have minimal self confidence as it is, and to potentially have that be shot down... Or to be built up. I have said before how I don't want regrets, or coming to the end of my life and playing "what if". And yet, that's EXACTLY what I am setting myself up for. By conforming to and giving into fear, that's exactly what I'm preparing for. Regrets and what if. Is that what it's worth to me? To hide in my shell? Or should I take a chance? Put myself out there? Believe in myself?! And pray for the best...?
Because the truth is, hidden in all of my "can't's" is more or less a "won't". I won't try this or i won't do that or i won't take a risk.

"Can't" is another word for fear.

No comments: