Thursday, June 23, 2011

"I look back and i hate it that i couldn't tell..."

Im not sure what to make of all this yet. Sometimes i feel like i am just fumbling my way through this life. I walk, i trip, i fall, God picks me up, i start to walk again....
the same process repeats itself day in and day out. 
I am not doing anything extraordinary. I am not stepping out and making a difference. I am living selfishly. I am living in the moment. I am living in sin. I am living for myself.
And i don't want this to be my life anymore.
I am afraid i will come to the end and not see anything that stood out.
Im afraid i wont have anything to be proud of.
And, moreover, i'm afraid there wont be anything for YOU to be proud of.
and, right now, the truth is that there ISN'T anything like that.
But that changes today.
I am done with this. I leave for camp, on a COLLEGE campus, in four days.
I am going to a college four. days.
This feels like a sneak peek of my future. It feels weird to even think i still have a year left of high school. Because a part of me feels like its time. Its time to go. Its time to stop playing around and DO SOMETHING!
And a part of me, the scared little girl part, wishes she was 11 again.
Last night....I laid here reminiscing, and the most vivid scene came to mind. And all i could think was, "life was easier back then". 
When they say you don't wanna grow up, and that you should enjoy being a kid...
They aren't lying.
I never knew what i had until it was gone. But, its that way with everything. And with everyone. No one takes time to appreciate where they're at. We're a fast paced society; we are always looking ahead. 
I want to take time!
but i think that even if i did stop and enjoy my life, i would still look back and long. I always want what i cant have.
But im gonna try something.
Im done living in "Rewind". And i certainly wont live in "Fast Forward". Thats just too fast. I dont want life to pass me by. But "Pause" just isn't working out either. And i will NEVER hit that "Stop" button.
So, im aiming for something new. 
I'm just gonna live in "Play". And, I'm gonna live for God. From this moment on. I swear to you and to You that this is not just another one of my empty promises. I mean this. I swear i do. 
Im not perfect, but im DONE using my imperfection as an excuse.
im living in "Play". And He is calling the shots.



Kaitlyn Nicole said...

I. Love. This!!!!
you're so honest, and you're doing what I have failed a million times to do. and that is to take action! Like, yes, I feel that conviction of my life being meaningless and sinful but I always fail to do anything about it. I just wallow in self pity and keep doing it!! wow. this was a wake up call!!

*Lizzie* said...

Wonderful job Morgan! That is a grand idea! Live in "Play" but for God. Don't really follow your heart, it's just a saying but follow where God leads you!
Sometimes i have to ask myself "Am I willing to risk my life for God? Am I willing to leave everything and live fully for Christ?" and sometimes myself says "NO". But you know, we, followers of Christ are not here to go with the flow, to blend in with the world. But we, followers of Christ MUST let our lights shine EVERYWHERE! (I'm sure I have said this before but it is a big thing!)Not just let our lights shine in our Bible studies but on the streets, in stores with friends who might not know God! We MUST let God's love be on our faces! Don't be afraid to talk about God with someone! "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, love..." -1 Timothy 4:12

If we go with the flow we are in darkness. There is no real way to let our lights shine if we are trying to be like the world, trying to act like the world, trying to talk like the world, trying to look like the world.
If we are like that then how can people see we are Christians??? THEY CAN'T! So why don't we all start living in "Play" *FOR* God! Lets start making differences!!! <3

A Servant 4 the King,

*Lizzie* said...

I just noticed, my comments probably look like I'm always trying to preach to you. Sorry, that is not what I want to sound like. You're my friend and I'm just trying to encourage you =)
And sorry my last comment was so long. haha didn't mean to have it be like that ;)

Han and Momo said...

Kaitlyn-That is life! Its crazy. I have been living like this for far too long. God really has called it to attention in my life though. Because i am sitting here saying "oh, i want to live for You." And my actions scream "I live for me!". Because part of me is lazy and tired and part of me just feels like she messes up too much when she tries to live for anything or anyone but herself.
So, wake up call for me too!

Lizzie-You are absolutely right. And i have a big issue with trying to follow my heart. Its just what ive always done. But lately i have begun to see that was a bad idea. And your comment helped me to really pinpoint it. So thanks :)
Seriously, i could break your comment apart and go deeper into it, but honestly i agree so much with everything in there! You're right, we DO need to stand out. We DO need to stand up for Christ. We DO need to make a difference.
We were called to live set apart lives.
Thank you for calling me to account for that.
Now. Please never think that i feel you are preaching at me. I do not see it that way at all. At first, myself says "she thinks she's betty than you." or "she's just telling you what to do." (and its not always or anything, but sometimes satan lies like that, ya know?)
but when i shut satan up, and let God speak, He whispers the truth. And it is louder than satan's yelling. And He says "she's your friend" "She cares about you."
Things like that. So, thank you. Thank you for calling me to account. And for being the kind of amazing friend who will speak into my life.

Love you girls!! <3

Han and Momo said...

Oh, and don't ever worry about your comments being "too long". There isn't such a thing with me :) Especially since my comments are always like novels! XD
But you should always say what you need to say, no matter how long or short it ends up being!! :)

*Lizzie* said...

Thanks Morgan for understanding =)
Your and Hannah are VERY dear friends to me. I hope you two know that =) And if you didn't well, now you know! lol
Thanks! Hahaha I ALWAYS write long comments! And it's fun reading long comments =)
Love ya! <3
And some time soon all of us girls should get together again!!!! <3

Han and Momo said...

Awww well you and Alena are very special friends to me too!! I feel so blessed to have you girls in my life! <3 Hahaha oh i know, me too!! But i like reading them too! :) Yes!! We should plan something soon because last time was a lot of fun!! :)