Im not sure what to make of all this yet. Sometimes i feel like i am just fumbling my way through this life. I walk, i trip, i fall, God picks me up, i start to walk again....
the same process repeats itself day in and day out.
I am not doing anything extraordinary. I am not stepping out and making a difference. I am living selfishly. I am living in the moment. I am living in sin. I am living for myself.
And i don't want this to be my life anymore.
I am afraid i will come to the end and not see anything that stood out.
Im afraid i wont have anything to be proud of.
And, moreover, i'm afraid there wont be anything for YOU to be proud of.
and, right now, the truth is that there ISN'T anything like that.
But that changes today.
I am done with this. I leave for camp, on a COLLEGE campus, in four days.
I am going to a college campus...in four. days.
This feels like a sneak peek of my future. It feels weird to even think i still have a year left of high school. Because a part of me feels like its time. Its time to go. Its time to stop playing around and DO SOMETHING!
And a part of me, the scared little girl part, wishes she was 11 again.
Last night....I laid here reminiscing, and the most vivid scene came to mind. And all i could think was, "life was easier back then".
When they say you don't wanna grow up, and that you should enjoy being a kid...
They aren't lying.
I never knew what i had until it was gone. But, its that way with everything. And with everyone. No one takes time to appreciate where they're at. We're a fast paced society; we are always looking ahead.
I want to take time!
but i think that even if i did stop and enjoy my life, i would still look back and long. I always want what i cant have.
But im gonna try something.
Im done living in "Rewind". And i certainly wont live in "Fast Forward". Thats just too fast. I dont want life to pass me by. But "Pause" just isn't working out either. And i will NEVER hit that "Stop" button.
So, im aiming for something new.
I'm just gonna live in "Play". And, I'm gonna live for God. From this moment on. I swear to you and to You that this is not just another one of my empty promises. I mean this. I swear i do.
Im not perfect, but im DONE using my imperfection as an excuse.
im living in "Play". And He is calling the shots.