Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day One.

Today marks a new month. June 1st. :)
So. Consider this Day One.
I am on a search. A quest. Fighting a battle. Whatever you want to call it.
I have been on my "modesty" lifestyle for a little while now. But i figured that since today marked a new month, i could start here and make it official :)
So, some thoughts about Day One?

This is hard. I hate to see all these girls. Bikinis...and, this one kills me the most, short shorts. Because, to be honest, i LOVE short shorts! I just like how they look and how they fit...and for YEARS i fought with my parents about clothes. They would never give in and i love them for that. But now, they don't That's not true. They are letting me make my own decisions (to an extent of course!), would be a better way to say it. And i imagine that's easy for them at the moment because i am making good decisions for...pretty much the first time in my life. 
For the most part. I realize that i am sitting here writing this and letting a Lady Gaga song play on the radio.
Well, the song is over now. I don't know...i feel like...
oh my. It's coming back to me. A few weeks ago. I sat here with such an amazing friend. She told me that modesty has to come from the inside and work its way out. 
So, sure, on the outside what i WEAR looks modest. But what about the ideas i am filtering into my head, and, ultimately, my heart?
Wow. That is enough to make you stop. 
But, if i were being real honest, which, in my mind, is kind of the point of this blog.... i like my careless music. It helps me...escape. My life feels a little crazy right now. And i'd be lying to say that i don't like a temporary...escape from reality.
And i don't mean that the way it probably sounds. Its just...careless music makes me...careless. 
Which, to be fair, might be the problem. 
But i like it because it helps me to STOP. THINKING.
Something i am sooo not good at. I am forever overthinking.
I don't know what to say. I thought i'd come on here and complain about how everyone around me gets to wear things and be careless. How they show off their tan stomachs in their bikinis and long legs in their short shorts. I thought i'd get to pity myself a bit about not having long hair and just generally being unable to see my beauty.
And yet, all i did was dig up another issue. Another thing i have to face head on. Another difficult task. A challenge. Yet another battle to engage in.
Will i forever be at war?

No comments: