Saturday, April 2, 2011

I am done running, hiding, pretending and faking. I am finally proud of who i am and i intend to embrace that. Thanks to God, for sticking with me and never giving up. I am who i am today only because of YOU. =D

i'm sitting here just rolling thoughts around in my mind. i am about to hit my 100th post (though it doesn't feel like much of a milestone because i've already hit 100. but since deleting some posts, i will be at 100 again today.)
but as i sat at the library and stared at downtown, the thought hit me.
i'm home!
i never thought that the day would come when i would look around me...and feel content with where i am.
when i moved from my hometown several years ago, i left bitter. and i decided that i would never let anywhere be home to me. everything would be a house, a city, some people...but nothing would be home. 
of course, i have since adopted another mindset entirely. because i look around me, at downtown and at my house; i see my friends; my smiling family...and suddenly i know that this is real. everything here is real.
i'm not used to that. i look back only to see...plastic. fakeness. and suddenly everything around me is real...? 
who i was isn't who i want to be. the girl that embarked on this journey 4 or 5 years ago ISN'T who i want to be. and then the girl i was during the journey...i learned a lot from her, but i also don't want to BE her. i actually, surprisingly, like who i am RIGHT. NOW.
that thought brings a smile to my face. and i almost feel like, after everything, i deserve to like myself. because i have been down the opposite road. 
but this was never meant to be about my past.
i stare down the road today, and, for the first time in a long time, i'm not looking back.
as i stand here, i don't see my past. i don't see who i was and where i went wrong. and, for a moment, i am able to close my eyes to the future. i can just focus on WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. 
and i feel proud. yeah, i know i have to think about the future. i know to be looking ahead. but for the moment im not. and that feels okay. 
my mistakes don't define me. my past doesn't define me and neither does my future. my accomplishments don't define me. no, i am done with letting meaningless things tell me who i am and what i'm worth. all my haters and enemies, you don't define me. my friends and family don't even define me.
and you know what else? neither do i.
only, ONLY God does. 

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