Sunday, April 10, 2011

Love questions. AKA, me trying my hand at advice giving, while still trying to remain relatable :)

I just found these questions in my journal, from sometime last summer. They are unanswered questions. Things i needed answers to but didn't possess said answers.
I'm gonna try to answer them now!

<3 What is Love?

Love is an action. Love is something you choose to do. It's the way you treat someone. It's the way you talk and act. Those things show love, or lack of, depending on how they are carried out. 
Love can be expressed with feelings, which makes it commonly end up being thought of as an emotion. But if you base your love for someone on emotions and feelings alone, and not conscious choices, you will end up getting hurt. 
I know. I've done this. Thought i was "in love" all because i felt something for a boy.
But i was completely missing the point of love!!
Because while feelings are important, the choice to love makes it real love.

<3 Is it wrong to want a boyfriend when you aren't ready to get married?

I don't think there is a problem with WANTING a boyfriend. I happen to believe that it is a perfectly natural desire. The real question is what do you want a boyfriend for, if you're not ready to consider marriage or get ready for marriage (i.e. courting)? If you want a guy to fill some deep desire in you or to fill a void that is where you find the problem. 
Because a guy cannot be everything you need. And yet sometimes we forget, or we ignore, or we simply never knew, that the real truth is that only God can fill you.
I used to read things like this when i was younger, and i still come across statements like this sometimes. But i hated reading these things back then. Because it was like, get your life right with God, let Him fill your void, make Him the center…and then maybe its okay to have a boyfriend.
But when you really let God do all that, what do you need a boyfriend for at 13? or 14? or even 17, if you're not serious about wanting to get married then?
Anything else is going to get you in trouble. Anything other than allowing God to fill you. When you try to take matters into your own hands, in the end the only thing you'll have in your hands are the pieces of your heart that some guy took and shattered.
And no one wants that. But i'll be honest. This was really hard for me to accept for a long time. Having a boyfriend was just something you did. It wasn't something i felt should be questioned or have to be justified. It was something everyone did and i was sick of being apart from everyone.
But now i get it. I was saved a lot of heartbreak, as well as a lot of chances for messups.
And i am thankful for that everyday, though i didn't realize it then.
Wanting a boyfriend isn't wrong. It's when you want one for the wrong reasons that the problem lies.

<3 How far is really too far?

I have heard this question for forever. I have even asked it myself (though for no reason other than that i wanted to know for curiosity's sake, since i've never had a boyfriend!). 
And i have also heard this answer for forever:
That the question of, 'how far is too far?' is really asking, 'how far can i push it before it's technically a sin?'. 
And that is so wrong! To push things as far as you can before you consider yourself sinning.
Nevertheless, whenever i received this answer, i was irritated, because i wanted some clearly lined out rules!
I'm not an expert. I'm barely even experienced! But what i would say is this:

*Set your standards:
AND STICK TO THEM!!! Do not change them for anyone. If the guy you're dating has different standards than yours, do not compromise yours!! Don't change yours and push yours so they match his. And if his standards are more conservative than yours, don't push him to change his. The Bible says cursed is the one who causes one to sin.
Don't cause someone to stumble, and don't allow anyone to cause you too either.

* Put God first:
I would recommend that until you have a strong faith in God, that you don't even get into relationships like this at all. Which of course isn't fun to hear at all, i know! I was (and still am!) in the same boat! :) I KNOW how hard it is! 
But if you don't put God first, and you fall into your boyfriend, expecting him to be God for you….you are going to hurt yourself, possibly him, definitely God, and most likely end up sinning. 

* Have a list of standards and rules already outlined:
And spend time in prayer asking God to help you stick to them.
Don't let yourself waver from these. This kind of goes with the first "rule". But i wanted to reiterate it, as well as say that to have them written down can be a HUGE help!
don't make up some crazy list of what you think a guy should be and expect someone that you pick to somehow conform to your standard. That is not what i am saying. I am saying that you should have standards as far as purity, but as far as a list of standards for what a guy should BE, i advise you not to take it too far. Definitely be praying over all lists you make, and maybe involve someone else to make sure you are not getting too carried away.

* Have accountability:
Don't get into a relationship and not have some form of accountability. This is just never a good idea, because then you think you can do what you want and "Who's ever gonna know?". 
NOT a good idea. Find a Christian woman whom you respect and trust and ask her to keep you accountable.

*Don't get caught up:
Falling in love and being a relationship might feel like your whole world. But remember that it's not. And much like anything else, you have to have discipline. And this includes spending all your time with one guy and making him your whole world. Go to church. Meet your girlfriends for coffee. Hang out with your family.
Loving one person is great. Just make sure you don't have all your time and worth invested in them. This will especially lead to problems if the relationship should end. Do not invest anything in them that you cannot get back.

--Now looking at these *rough* guidelines, can you answer the question "how far is too far?"? If not, ask someone to help you. I wish i could say exactly what's wrong and what's right, but there is no black and white.

<3 Is love something you can feel?:

I would say absolutely. Love is not ONLY a feeling, but i do believe that feelings come into play. :)

<3 What do guys like in a girl?:

This is FAR too widespread a question for me to have an answer for. Much like us girls, guys vary in what they like. We cannot expect them to all be the same! If you're interested in someone, first make a list of your qualities and everything you are and that makes you you. THEN find out what he likes. Compare that to what you are. If it's not a fit, DO NOT CHANGE YOURSELF for him. Find someone that DOES like you for everything you are.
And just because what he describes is what you are doesn't mean you are necessarily "meant to be". Use judgement and discernment as always :)

<3 How do you be mysterious?:

I am really beginning to wonder how much this really matters? But i will poke a shot at it anyways. I think you should be mysterious by not throwing everything you are at him right away, but by giving him little pieces at a time.  This could potentially save you some hurt if this relationship should end.
But beyond keeping yourself somewhat reserved, i'm not sure how much more mysterious you ought to be and how to achieve said mysteriousness.

<3 I'm not a girly-girl. I'm sarcastic and independent. Do guys like that?:

Yes. I believe there are some that do. Just remember not to change yourself for a guy. There is one out there that loves you "as is". :)

<3 Do i really have to change…do i even WANT to change….for a guy?:

(I am going to answer this question personally and not like advice.) 
No. I do NOT have to change and i don't intend to. If God shows me i should change, i will. But i will not change myself for some guy that may or may not even stick around.
And the truth?
If he makes me change...

I don't WANT him to stick around.

<3 How can i fill this void in me? Even with God and a guy i'm not sure i'll ever feel fulfilled.

I wrote this question before i even took the time to pursue God. And let me tell you, when i wrote that question, i was WRONG! With God, i am so fulfilled. More than i could have ever dreamed. A guy doesn't need to fulfill me or complete me anymore. I'm not looking for one to. I'm looking for one to walk alongside me. To support and and help me along. To keep me focused on God and to be there for me. But not to complete me and not to fulfill me.
God has already taken care of that! :)


Kaitlyn Nicole said...

I find it completely adorable that you wrote these questions in your journal :) and those are some good answers that I can definitely relate with!!

Han and Momo said...

awwww well thanks!! <3 i don't mostly just thinking out loud here...i do that a lot! but thanks! :)