Monday, April 11, 2011

I never want to let this go, never want to forget it now that i know.

i know that i come home from these things and let the bliss and power of the weekend fade. i let the bubble i've been living in pop. and maybe these aren't even things that i actually DO, but rather, things that just happen.
bubbles pop. reality seems to have that effect on them.
and power does fade. 
but its's how i choose to react that makes a world of difference.
i am scared, because i have been in this boat SO many times. and when it comes time to make a decision, 
to hide and stay safe in the boat, 
or
to climb out of the boat, onto the water, leaving my comfort zone, to go to Jesus, 
i tend to choose to stay safe. or i get out there and my faith wavers and…
i drown.
may i just say that drowning is not fun? 
yeah.
but i want this to be different. i don't want to be insane anymore, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results than the time before.
so how do i hold onto these feelings? how do i remain so captivated and in love?

you know, when one of the girls in my small group told me that i looked like i had everything all together, it hit me hard. which is weird because you'd think that something like that could almost be a compliment.
but i want….
i want to be relatable. i don't want to put on this air of being perfect. because i am anything but. and yet, at the same time, i just don't know how to knock down all my walls yet.
its not that her words hurt me, because i know how she meant them.
but they brought up something i hadn't realized about myself.

*i am not relatable.*

maybe a better way to say it would be that i don't want to be all 'holier than thou'. that kills me inside to think that i act like that.
and it scares me! because i REALLY don't want to be that girl.

there is someone who inspires me. a handful of people actually.
my mama is one of them. she is so amazing and i love her. she shows me how to be a Godly woman. she is living out a happily ever that she has had to work at and still does. 
but that paints a realistic picture for me.
she shines so bright and i don't even think she knows it. she is my role model in every way. she shows me how to be a mom and a submissive wife. she is absolutely radiant. a true princess. she shows me how to love, and how to be loved. she shows me that its okay to feel things, and to make mistakes. and then she shows me where to go from there. everything circles back to God with her. our family didn't used to be this way, but since putting God back at the center, everything has changed radically and dramatically. i want to be like my mommy in every way. she is beautiful and loved. she knows how to give love and compassion and forgiveness. she loves Jesus and is a shining example of His Light. <3

and Sara is the other one. Sara was my small group leader this weekend. this gorgeous, funny, amazing woman who is only about 5 years older than me. she encouraged me in ways that i have only DREAMED about. she was real with me. she admitted areas that she struggled in. she admitted her weaknesses and was upfront about…her life! i needed that. i cannot be honest with someone who isn't honest with me. i have a hard enough time being open and vulnerable with someone, but even more so when they aren't open and honest back with me.  she made me feel like i could just be…myself. failures and all. 
i am so thankful for her. for her story and her willingness to share. for her gentleness with us and our feelings. for never pushing us, but rather, encouraging us. and she is the perfect picture and example of what i truly desire to be someday, a mentor…much like she was for us this weekend. <3
I am so thankful to both of them for being my role models :) I am so thankful to have good Godly Christian women in my life to model after and to talk to! <3

4 comments:

Lady Florimel said...

This post is so a mixture of my feelings right now too! I love how open and free you are to share these things, that is great!! I'm praying for you dear! <3

Han and Momo said...

Thank you!! I love that you can empathize with me! <3 I just got back from this amazing weekend retreat and i was feeling incredible and it was honestly like i was in this bubble. and of course reality had to pop that bubble but i am really trying hard to CHOOSE to not let that make an impact. i learned so many wonderful things and i am trying to not let go of that! Thank you for you prayers and i will be praying for you as well!! <3

*Lizzie* said...

Hey Morgan!
I just wanted to say that your comment on my blog (The Wonders of Christ) has really encouraged me!
Thanks for being my friend and understanding things! Hey! I have a prayer email and I thought you might like it! So if you ever have a prayer request or need someone to talk to you can email me! The email is here4reachingout@gmail.com
So you can email me anytime about anything! God bless you sister in Christ!

A Servant 4 Christ,
Lizzie

Han and Momo said...

Thanks so much Lizzie!! And thanks for the offer...i actually DO have a prayer request which i will be emailing you shortly about! This is like a God send, thank you!! <3