Sunday, March 27, 2011

i really need a break...Not sure how i am gonna make it till the 8th...but i'll figure it out...i have to...and i always do.

i am going to explode. i just can't do this! i thought i could. i thought i was strong. but as usual, i was wrong. i bit off more than i can chew, and yet it's all being forced into my mouth at once anyways. i don't know what to do, say or....AHHHH!!!!! screaming...and exploding. the 2 things that take precedence on the priority list, for some reason. maybe just because i know they are going to happen. they just are. i don't know what to do because, as much as i know i NEED to let this out...i also know i can't. like i said before, this is just what i need to do right now. this is my juggling act. somehow you are keeping everything of yours perfectly balanced and up in the air, so i won't let mine hit the ground. i can't. i can't watch everything fall apart and i can't know it was my fault. i just can't let it happen. and so if it kills me...i will keep this up. i don't want to, but i don't know another way. and it is better than the alternative, which would be to step back and just watch everything fall to the ground and fall apart. because i don't want to be the reason things fall apart here.
and i don't want to have to clean it up.
and since i don't want to deal with the repercussions, i won't let anything fall apart. nope, i will keep it all together. i'm not pretending to know everything. i'm not pretending to have everything figured out. not pretending to have everything all together. no...i know i know NOTHING. i have NOTHING figured out. but the last part...
i guess i do have it all together. at least...on the outside. i have it all together. it's fragile, but i'm doing what i agreed to. it's weak and so am i. it's heavier than i remember...or maybe i am just not as strong as i was, or as i thought. whatever the details, the truth is that i am holding things together. its not easy, but i AM doing it.
and i guess that's what matters.

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