Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Spend all my time helping everybody else, then i run out of time for fixing myself.

This year is probably the most challenging...or maybe the second most...
it is stretching me beyond what i thought were my limits. and while i've sort of proven that those AREN'T my limits, obviously since i've surpassed them, it still hurts.
this is hard stuff!
i feel like i am forever going. rushing. being.
once again, i'm just living.
just getting by.
and once again, i am sick of it.
and once again...
i'll do nothing about it.
because, once again, i can't.
i am avoiding life and i hate it. im not even sure what im avoiding just that i am so overwhelmed and i have SO much on my plate that im not dealing with any of it. i don't know where to start, so i just don't start.

and like i said, i LOVE helping everyone else!! 
and i know i have to...
i am doing what i can to keep things from falling apart. everything i can..
and then some.
but what counts is that nothing has fallen apart.
if i had time, i'd celebrate that fact. but i don't so i can't.
im not trying to sound all depressing and melodramatic here. forgive me, but i needed somewhere to let this out.
i am just falling apart. it is VERY rare that i let people see this part of me. the side that ISN'T strong. the side that, yes, right or wrong, needs him so i CAN be weak. i need to be weak and i need him so i CAN be.
i am so confused and puzzled right now.
life. not as easy as you might have been tricked into thinking.

2 comments:

Lady Florimel said...

Dear Morgan,
Reading through your last couple of posts, it's kinda weird, and I'm telling the truth that I too have been feeling these same kind of presures!! I've been feeling overwhelmed and over-done. And i feel like all the pain and sin around me I have to wrestle it alone. But isn't that the greatest lie ever! Here we are at Easter, when Christ layed down His life taking the sin of the whole world upon Himself, and I sit here and think I have to handle all the sin around me!? Uhhh, time to do some letting go Alena!!!! yeah, but I certainly don't think that when I'm sitting there all discouraged!

Girly, I am sorry you are feeling over-taxed lately. We're in the same boat! But you know what I think? (I can only say this now that I rested a good ten hours and my head is finally cleared) I think that the Enemy is using all of these things to distact us from Easter this year. No, I know he is. I have felt this great battle for my attention this week, and sadly I haven't done much, not even put on any armor, I have just submited to let him tear me apart.

Morgan, I just want you to know that I am going to take some time out today to pray. To pray for our hearts, that we would be able to find strength to face the day, and not find the strength in ourselves, but in Jesus who is always ready to take our burdens, we just have to be willing to let go. I will be praying for you dearheart!! I love you!!! <3 <3 <3

"so we DO NOT loose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed each day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an enternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look to not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Han and Momo said...

Dear Alena,
Wow!! Thank you so much for this comment!! I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to just know that someone understands!!
But i am sorry that you are going through this, because i know it is SO hard to deal with...
That said, thank you for understanding. I am so sorry (and yet in another way grateful, if you know what i mean) that you get it.
When i read your statement about the Enemy trying to take away from this special weekend, i actually stopped and was like "...wow. that is EXACTLY what this is!" it had never occurred to me, but thats the truth of the matter! Thank you SO much for pointing that out to me. i get it. its like, as special as this Holiday is and as important and meaningful it is, of COURSE he wants to take away from that!! I cant believe i didn't see that before!!
and so now that i know i am going to be making a bigger effort to just get into the Word and spending time praying...
and even though the load of things i have to do hasn't lessened, i am just going to budget what time i DO have free into the right places. starting with getting connected to my God again!!
i can't even TELL you how much it means to me that you took time to pray for us today! and i will do the same tonight!!
I know i just need to let go. because what i am trying to hold together really isn't even mine to hold together anyways. and while i am afraid to step back...no...*sigh. im not sure what i am gonna do about my "responsibilities" but i know i AM putting them on God's Hands and asking for leading and then the strength to follow His leading! Because i cant keep doing everything that i have been trying to do.
thank you so so so much!! I love you too and you are most certainly in my prayers!!! i am also praying that we will get to get together again soon!! i would so love to talk to you love!! <3
i love that verse!! it is so fitting!! Thank you!!
talk to you soon, have a Blessed Easter Weekend and know that you are in my prayers, i love you and i am so thankful for your prayers!! <3
love you,
Morgan <3