Wednesday, April 20, 2011

-A little bit stronger-

my heart breaks for so many things right now. so many people in so many places. my heart feels like its everywhere right now. i cannot tell whether its broken or just deeply scarred. I'm pretty sure its missing pieces though, because i'm pretty sure i have left pieces everywhere i've been.
I have so many things to do. And its stressing me out.
I've got so much money that needs to go in different places, and none of the money to actually put there.
i've got so many time constraints. time crunches. but not a substantial amount of time.
its just like...suddenly everything is closing in on me. sometimes i can handle it and other times...
i've got projects due on monday that i haven't even BEGUN to work on.
i've got a package of Easter goodies to be sent out on Sunday that i haven't hardly shopped for at all, nor do i have the money to even BUY the things i would so LOVE to give to her.
i've got to be in so many places at once. so many people to talk to and people to help and people to see and....and don't get me wrong! i love people! i love love love being there to listen. i love building relationships.
but it all takes its toll. it all becomes just SO much sometimes...
i stay up until long after midnight. mostly because i just CAN'T sleep.
i am lacking motivation.
i am....ugh!
to tell you the truth, the sad ugly hard heartbreaking truth...
i am worn out.
i keep trying to go after God.
i start out strong.
it fades.
i fall.
i pick myself back up, or i cry out to Him...however that goes down...
i come back.
i go after God.
i start out strong.
it fades.

do you see a pattern??
I...its not that its not worth it.
that's not it at ALL.
but no one told me it would be so hard!
no one warned me. i know Jesus said living for Him wouldn't be easy.
no one said that just GETTING CLOSE TO HIM would be THIS hard.
no one warned me.
and in some ways, i wouldn't have even believed them if they had.
but on the other hand...
its good because i might have said, "oh, too hard for me" and walked away.
none of that is good.
but neither is this!
neither is where i am at.
i need to be strong.
but then again, i am ALWAYS strong.
sometimes i get sick of it.
sometimes i just NEED to be weak.

love, do you know how much i long for you? i long for you to be here for me. and to be strong, so i can be weak. and it can go both ways, i promise. i will hold you up when you can't stand. but right now i need YOU to be the strong one.
heck, i just need you to BE here!

....wait a second.
i thought i DIDN'T need you. darling...i...i thought i said that only God could complete me. and doesn't that mean that with Him, i don't NEED you? I can still want you and long for you, but i thought i wasn't supposed to NEED another human being..?

or is is possible that its OK to need you?
not need you to complete me, because God has done that. and i know God could do everything for me.
but MAYBE He made it so i would need another human.
gosh i am so confused.
someone please help me.
i just don't know what's right right now.
everything that i thought was black and white decided to melt into grey...great...

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