Friday, November 4, 2011

grrr...maybe this was a bad idea. im not sure. but then, i really didnt have much of a choice :/
i want to like you...ok, i DO like you...
are you happy? i do. i said it. i do like you.
i usually dont let myself admit that until the other person says they like me first.
well we've both said it. sighh..when im with you, im comfortable. but when im away...
i see your fb wall...i see all those girls...i start to think about her...and why you could possibly be interested in ME..
my mind plays tricks on me. it conjures up these images and these things that arent even happening. but i get myself all worked up and i get upset...
i am all over the place today..
why did i do this? why did i let myself fall SO hard?
and what worse, is im realizing im taking out anger and hurt that someone else caused me LAST.YEAR...and im taking that out on you.
youre silently suffering for what happened and what didnt happen with him...
i hate to even be THINKING about him again. i hate to be reminscing. but the other day i let myself read back through the things id written about him. all those feelings came flooding back and felt so real again.
i think ive been a little numb ever since.
but then yesterday i realized that what happened and didnt happen between me and him...still hurt me. and i had never had a chance to settle that with him.
so im taking out those hurts on you. i dont mean to...but he made me more guarded and more cautious..he really knocked that last bit of naive and innocence out of me and stole my self confidence.
and now you suffer for that. bc im more close guarded with you, i expect you to hurt me, i expect you to toy with me..
i expect that youre not REALLY interested in me.
i expect that ill get hurt.
and im sorry. because you could be SO much better than all of this.
but you also might not be.
i WANT to be willing to take that chance, but, on the same hand, i dont want to widn up broken hearted and feeling used and played with. i dont want to wind up giving things to you that were special to me, only to find out i was "just another girl" to you. i dont WANT to be...
im scared. i wanna run. i really do. this is all so foreign, so new. i dont want to try. especially when i feel like im already competing with all those girls...
but the thing is, you picked me. over all them,
no matter what my mind says, its clear you did. not to say that you arent stringing me along WITH all these other girls, but, from the looks of it, you dont have much of a relationship with these other girls.
but gosh, what do i know? i remember LAST winter i sat and analyzed someone's fb and made assumptions :P
well, im not gonna do that again.
our relationship with be NOTHING like mine and his. if you could even call that a realtionship. i dont know. but whatever it was, you and i will be nothing like that.
ill make sure of it.

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