....
i dont know what to say. there arent really words.
well, there is. 
but the truth is, no one would want to hear them.
and, save for one person, no one WILL hear them.
ughh...i want control. because im used to being taken advantage of and blindsided when i DONT have control.
but...im the girl. so i want HIM to control.
i mean, i want him to be...well...in control, yeah.
cept, in the past, that hasnt worked out too well for me.
the guy ends up with my heart in his hands, and, instead of being careful with it, he twists it, squeezes the life out of it...
and throws the pieces in my direction as he walks away.


maybe that looks a little dramatic. maybe it IS dramatic.
but i swear to you...in that moment...it totally felt like that.
maybe i cant even be mad at this guy. i really dont know. a lot of...breaking happened with him. idk if thats his fault or mine and im not sure ill ever know.
what i do know, is that something happened last winter. 
something i havent fully recovered from.
and now theres a new guy.
and hes paying for my past :(
i hate that. im trying to not let my past interfere AGAIN.
and somedays...are better than others. 
i need to deal with my past...i need to...CONFRONT it...
im scared. im legit scared to confront it. i dont wana go there again.
it hurt too much the first time.
but...its gotta be done. i dont want to keep hurting other guys for the hurt i have from him. i dont want to hold that hurt in my heart anymore. i want to let go. forgive him. forgive me. move on. learn to love again.
God, please help me..♥