Sunday, November 6, 2011

love is a game.
the sooner you know that...
the sooner youll be like me.
cynical. hopeless. unbelieving.
i cry when i read your texts to me. because they are so.dang.sweet. or anyways, they used to be. but the tears i cried..
gosh i swear im love bipolar. ughh..because i would cry happy tears...
but more often than not, your sweet words cut into my heart.
did you catch that?
your sweet words HURT me.
how honest can i be right now? lately ive started to feel like i have to keep my truest feelings inside. and maybe thats true. but right now i seriously need to get this out. please...bear with me. and dont judge me..
ok fine. the truth mad. im still mad about what happened last winter. im mad over what didnt happen. but mad that i let myself believe something about someone..that never came to be.
mostly, im hurt.
mostly, i hurt myself.
for a long time, i was mad at myself solely because i had to be mad at someone and i couldnt bring myself to be mad at him.
then i was mad at him because i felt like he had...destroyed me.
and now i realize that i may never know whose fault it was.
all i know is that it hurt. i hurt.
and i still do.
last winter...
and now, we are on the brink of a whole new season. a brand new winter. i can feel it in the air. the sky hints of snow on its way. i know whats coming.
this winter.

i feel like its starting all over again.

thats it. thats exactly it.
i feel like everything that went down last winter; all the hurt and scars and broken emptiness, i feel like thats whats gonna happen this year.
im blaming you for his mistakes.
and whats worse?
im also blaming you for mine.
i havent let last year go. i havent forgiven and i certainly havent forgotten.
i want to!
...but i just dont know how.
i dont know how to let go of lines and sweet eyes.
i dont know how to forget that dazzling smile.
i can still hear your voice echo in my thoughts when i read the words you once said to me.
its all still here. with me. in my heart.
its burning my heart.
anyone that really KNOWS me..would wonder what the HECK im talking about. my family would look at this and be L.O.S.T.
...i dont know how to explain.
idk if you could call it a relationship...
i guess it was a relationship based on emotions more than a relationship where anything actually...happened.
he lead me on.
and i let him.
see, he said the most beautiful was you.
but he said cute things. he made me feel special.
he was the first guy to make me feel pretty.
you were the first guy to TELL me im pretty.
see the difference? so do i. but i didnt till i wrote it out.
he said things that i blew up in my head and made them into something they might not have been.
you said things that were explicitly sweet and left no room in my mind for doubt about what you meant.
see the difference?
his were lines at best and fictional romance i made into something it wasnt in my head.
yours are lines at worst and...beautiful truths at best.
see the difference..?
and yet, i have the nerve to sit and compare you to him??
sometimes i make myself sick. almost literally.
no one understands my hesitation except the one person that knows the story about last winter...
but NO ONE understands it like i do.
no one could.
so people look at this and they...they dont understand.
i want to believe you. i want to fall for you.
but i tried all that already.
and it didnt work out real well if even a YEAR still trying to work things through.
and i know i know i know i know I KNOW that its NOT.THE.SAME.
why cant i give US a chance of our own? why do i compare what we ARE, to everything him and i WEREN'T and NEVER.WOULD.BE.?
i want to. i want to fall.
but let me be very clear
i want to fall for YOU.
NOT for your LINES..
just sayin...

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