Thursday, October 7, 2010

when you can't speak love, cuz there's nothing left to speak of

"i guess you really did it this time, left yourself in your warpath, lost your balance on a tightrope, lost your mind tryin to get it back, wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days, always a bigger bed to crawl into, wasn't it beautiful, when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you...?"
do you ever feel like you have messed up, to the point where you've just gone too far? like, there is no way to back up now. no way out. it's time to face the music. and for the first time in your life, you really wish you were 5 years old again. or maybe it's not the first time you've wished that. maybe you live your life wishing you didn't have to. living on the outside, dying on the inside. maybe you know someone like this. maybe you are like this. close your eyes. that's your fix all.
"who you are is not where you've been,
you're still an innocent...
who you are is not what you did,
you're still an innocent..."
i just found this new taylor swift song on youtube. rumored to be on her new album, and i hope it is. it touches me in a special way. listen to it! its good.
and its the truth.
nothing has the right to define you. except God. 
but what defines you, who defines you, when you don't know God? how hopeless does your situation feel to you? are you a Christian? can you imagine, if you as a  Christian feel this much pain, feel this hopeless, can you imagine how someone who doesn't know Jesus feels? how much more hopeless are they gonna feel? how much more hopeless do they feel? 
people say its ok. people say time will heal. people lie. 
"time turns flames to embers..."
there are somethings time can fix. but there are somethings time can never ever fix. only God can heal some hurts. and maybe in time you get over a lot of things, but...maybe they never really heal. you can only put on so many band-aids. and then there's some hurts, some wounds, that are too big and too deep to just be fixed with a band-aid. you break an arm, are you just gonna slap on a band-aid and call it fixed? no! so then why do we do that in life? 
"there's somethings you cant speak of, but tonight you live it all again, you wouldn't be shattered on the floor now, if only you would see what you know now then..."
life is hard. and anyone that tells you different is lying. lying to you, and, most likely, to themselves too. that makes life easier, or at least appear easier, to lie to yourself. but it catches up with you, eventually. it catches up to you and can only run for so long. you are gonna get tired. you'll run out of energy, patience. you just get sick of the whole scene. "how much more of this can i take?!" you ask; yourself, God, anyone listening. how much more hopeless is the same situation, removing God? granted, when you're in this place, you may feel like God isn't there anyways. you might be questioning whether He ever was there. Or if He was simply a fairytale. something that comforted you and made you feel better, when the problem was small, but when your problem becomes to big for fairytales, when you hit that wall and you finally have to face reality, you might feel like God is nowhere to be found. you might feel like He must have just been one of those things, there only in your mind. on better days you know better. but what about those people that don't know better? what about, no matter how happy their life might be right now, they still don't know better? what about those people that, in the middle of their darkness, can't even grasp that small fragment of Light that they knew was there once upon a time, because it was never there? or better put, they never knew it was there. 
yes, in the middle of your darkness you start to question. but God is still there. just because you can't see Him, it's usually because we don't want to see Him. which sounds stupid...till you're there. it sounds stupid because you think, right now, that if you were ever in that place, that you would NEED God, so much more than ever before. and thats true. but...when you get to that place sometimes you tell yourself that God was what got you into this mess and you can get yourself out, thank you very much. you listen as the enemy, the one who loves to see you suffer, whispers death in your ear. he tells you that God messed you up. drug you all the way out here just to leave you alone to die. lies. its all lies. but we don't always see that. not right away, anyways. 
what if you can't forgive yourself. "there's somethings you can't speak of, but tonight you live it all again.." you have messed up waaaay too much. no one could ever love you. heck, you don't even love you. its crazy. it hurts. its stupid and its messed up but...that doesn't stop us. how on earth can you ever love someone else or even receive love, if you hate yourself?! this makes me the saddest. its one thing to be lost and broken and confused and yet reaching out...and a completely different thing to hate yourself. because thats it. thats the end, in a sense. at least when you are searching and reaching for something, you are wanting God to come in, intervene and save you. and when you give Him permission to completely come in and give Him complete control, He will! but when you shut yourself off because you hate yourself and feel like you can never forgive yourself, and you feel therefore no one else can love or forgive breaks my heart. i know yours is broken too. i hate this. it is the worst feeling in the world, to know you will never measure up. no one will ever love you. and no one can because you don't even love yourself. no one but God. and He can change your heart, so eventually you might come around and learn to love yourself and forgive yourself, the way He does. but...what about the girl that doesn't know God? she hates herself, no one can love her cuz she pushes everyone away. she doesn't even know about God! where is her life headed? where is yours headed? do you read something like this, shake your head, cry a tear or two, but walk away going, "that's deep. that's sad. but thankfully i've got all my priorities straight. Jesus is my best friend. my life is great and God is right at the center!"?  do you walk away thinking that? maybe that is true for you. if it is, i am so happy for you! good for you! but thats not the end. you can't just walk away!! you read all of this, now you have to do something. make a difference. look outside yourself. challenge yourself. change someone's life. love them even when they don't love themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world." i heard that somewhere. don't pass that off as someone else's job. don't say you can't do it. be brave, take a chance, and make the difference. there are people out there hurting right now, more than you can even imagine. and if you've hurt, use that! grab onto that and use that to help someone else. sometimes an "i've been there" is all it takes to start healing. isn't someone worth it? wouldn't you have wanted someone to reach out to you when you were hurting? and if someone did, don't you think you should pay it forward? think about it...

No comments: